Feeling embarrassed and alone....

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by JKF, Jan 28, 2013.

  1. JKF

    JKF Well-Known Member

    As many of you know difficult child has been having a rough time lately and has been in crisis mode several times. He's homeless 3 hours away in a different state and has been unmedicated since October. He's staying at a shelter and has been since November. The shelter director is really nice and I've contacted her several times in regards to difficult child's mental health etc. She's always been very helpful and said to contact her any time. Last week when difficult child left his "goodbye letter" on FB she was the first one I called since she runs the shelter and could help get him into the hospital etc. Today I emailed her to ask how he was doing, any updates on medication help etc. She emailed me back and said he was fine. difficult child called me shortly after and said he was told he'd be kicked out bc I contact her too much. Wow. I really don't contact her that much (except for last week during his suicide crisis) and she was the one who said in the first place to please feel free to contact her weekly. I guess I over stepped my boundaries and she's tired of hearing from me?? I'm pretty embarrassed right now about the whole thing. Do I come off to her like a crazy stalker? I guess so. Uggggh! I guess I have no one in this world to help me or my son. I guess his fate is sealed. I want to cry right now.
  2. in a daze

    in a daze Well-Known Member

    Maybe difficult child made the whole thing up? They can be notorious liars and manipulaters. An email once or twice a weeks inquiring about the well being of your loved one sure doesn't sound excessive or like stalking behavior...
  3. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I don't believe your son. Keep calling. Looking at his diagnosis, he could very well be lying just to make you feel bad and it worked.

    You can't help your son. He has to want to help himself. But you can help YOU. Looks like you have a nice husband and another child. My advice is to get therapy for yourself and to focus on those you can enjoy and who will be kind to you. It's YOU time now. Gentle hugs.
  4. slsh

    slsh member since 1999

    Another mom who thinks this is bologna. The director has been very helpful to you for quite a while - I'd be very surprised if difficult child's story holds any water at all.

    I'd email director again - if he's getting kicked out because you contact her too much, what's one more email? If he's telling a tale.... in my humble opinion, it's best to ensure that everyone (including difficult child, whether he wants it or not) is on the same page.
  5. JKF

    JKF Well-Known Member

    She emailed me back and said she never said that. She said don't be embarrassed and that she understands why I'm worried - I'm his mother and I love him. She asked if he's always done stuff like this. Uhhh yup - always. I guess he got me again. I'm still embarrassed although Im not quite sure why now. It's the whole situation I guess. The fact that he can make me doubt myself like that? The fact that I get so worked up? I don't know.

    And MWM - I do have a very nice husband and a second son. They get put on the back burner a lot due to my issues with difficult child and it stinks. I was doing better at detaching but I feel like I'm getting dragged in again. I don't look at it as a step back though. I look at it as a growing experience. Some days are easier than others and I just need to continue to work daily on this whole process.

    And thank you all for the wonderful support and kind, caring words. I'm so glad I can come here and vent in my dark moments. I always come away with peace of mind and a smile!
  6. slsh

    slsh member since 1999

    JKF - it is *really* hard not to get drawn back into our kids' stuff, esp when they're not doing great. It takes practice. in my humble opinion, you have been doing much better lately. Expect backslides on your detachment - you're his mom and you want him to be okay. I found that sometimes detachment had to be a very conscious choice - am I going to get worked up over this latest situation or am I going to let go of it, because I can't do anything about it anyway? Sometimes it was almost a physical process of letting it go.

    The only person who can help difficult child is difficult child. You and director and everyone else can point him to options, but he is the one who has to actually do it. If you could have fixed this, you would have, a very loooong time ago. It's difficult child's deal now. Help if he asks, continue to point out options if he will listen, but... *he* is the only one who can fix things.

    Another thought is that maybe this was difficult child's totally goofed up attempt to get you to back off a bit, quit checking up on him. Rather than stating *his* needs/wants, he tried to manipulate you into chilling out.

    Honestly, I can't imagine how hard this is for you. When my kid was on his own at 18, he was just gone. I'd check myspace occasionally to make sure he was alive because he sure wasn't contacting us, but after a while I had to stop that because ... well, there are just some things I do not need/want to know, you know? If I'd had the ability to contact some sane person to check on his well being, I probably would have. I didn't have that option - and maybe that was a good thing, in the long run.

    Hang in there. As you said, this is a growing experience (though who knew we'd need to grow so much!!! ;) ).
  7. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Well, try not to be embarrassed, we all fall into those traps our difficult child's set for us, you're in good company here!! And, yup, it sure is a process, and really, you've done a great job, this is a small blip, don't worry anymore. Some days are definitely easier then others, we understand that so well. You're in a strange world with a moving landscape, every once in awhile, you fall into a hole. The good news is, you know how to crawl out now. So crawl out and go have some fun today, right now in this moment, everything is okay.
  8. cubsgirl

    cubsgirl Well-Known Member

    Don't be embarrassed. The only person that should be embarrassed is difficult child. Keep on going - you are doing great!
  9. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    You understand, of course, that the problem isn't that the director had a problem with "too many emails"... the problem is that difficult child had a problem with "too many emails". He doesn't like it when you corner him... of course. (he's a difficult child, after all)
  10. buddy

    buddy New Member

    Just popping in to say there's no shame in doing what you do out of genuine love. Sure we all can learn to handle things better but as you said, lesson learned. He just didn't want you to check up on him....and he knows your weaknesses, even preschoolers learn parents weaknesses!
    Hang in there, it has to be very scary.
  11. JKF

    JKF Well-Known Member

    Yeah now that its all said and done I can clearly see that he totally manipulated the whole situation. Or as the shelter director said "he's yanking my chain". Well lesson learned. I'm backing off. It's better this way anyway. Next time he calls -voicemail. Next time he texts - not responding. At least for a while anyway. It's all fine and good when he wants something from me but otherwise I'm a big annoyance to him. Fine.

    What a generally bad day today was. Between difficult child 1 and difficult child 2 I just want to bury my head in the sand and not come back up for a while.
  12. dstc_99

    dstc_99 Well-Known Member

    I'm new here so no true experience but I think you have done a wonderful job being there without physically being there. I would email the lady every week to two weeks to stay updated but I would ask her not to mention it to difficult child 1. Also I would do as you are saying and limit contact. Maybe take your time getting back to him and don't respond to "trigger" issues. Sounds like he was mad you turned him in for the bs he posted and now he wants to make you pay for it by making you feel bad for him.

    Good luck!
  13. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    I am so glad you contacted the shelter director and got the REAL info from her. I hope you can cling to that and realize that the director is a grown woman and if she needed to set a boundary on how often you contacted her or what you contacted her about, then she would tell you and NOT your difficult child.

    I think one thing that MANY difficult children excel in is telling you that other people are upset iwth you for this, that, and six other things. It has been one of the most painful things my gfgbro has ever done to me. I would rather he just punch me, pinch me or take out a knife and slit my throat than have him tell me over and over and over how my kids, husband and I are always making my mother cry. It is never all of that at once. It is 'you are putting a severe strain on Mom. Last time you were here your kids couldn't even clear their plates and she is so ashamed of you for not teaching them manners. She just sat and cried last night after you left."

    Yet the reality that my parents know does not contain nights sitting around crying, or being upset that my kids have 'bad' manners. Firstly, my mom has better things to get upset about than a child not doing whatever is the current problem, she is not the type to sit around crying, and honestly? she would tell me herself before she told him.

    BUT as he says the same things over and over again, some for YEARS, they still slip into your heart and end up damaging you and your relationships. My mom has a tough time grasping why I have been so upset over the things he used to tell me that she said or that she felt or that my dad said/felt. The cold, ugly fact of perception is that if someone tells you something over and over, esp in an emotionally charged setting, the brain is going to start accepting it as the truth. This is why so many people confess to things they didn't do, and why if you ask a child a question over and over their answer WILL change to be what they think you want. Then they will start to accept that answer as what actually occurred, even if they were there and they KNOW it didn't.

    I would advise you to tell difficult child that you will no longer listen if he says that the director wants you to do or not do something. Tell him that she will contact you directly, so he needs to step out of that part of the communication loop. He is attempting to manage the information that you receive so that he can manipulate you into or out of something. He is also probably trying to manipulate her into or out of something also. Let him know it isn't acceptable, it is triangulation and you won't tolerate it. Make sure he knows you will contact the director immediately/asap to verify everything he tells you from now on.

    As for the embarrassment, honey, you are human and female and we often own embarrassment that isn't ours. This heapin' helpin' of bright red cheeks and mortification belongs smack dab on your difficult child, not anywhere near you. As you work on your own detachment skills and personal challenges, you will find that you sidestep, change directions or maybe even leap into the air and soar over that load of llama lumps almost every time someone tries to dump it on you.

    Today? You did GREAT!! You listened to difficult child's koi, then you contacted the director to verify what he told you. I would bet he is trying to find a way to either justify using (got tossed out with nowhere to go so he had to buy drugs to cope/stay with users/dealers and can't stay clean when lving with them) or to guilt you into either bringing him home or paying for him to have his own place wth his own rules all paid for by your money. So think about how to handle that again, make a plan for it, then do things that you enjoy.

    Just remember that today you did GREAT!!