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Feeling guilty again
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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 723544" data-attributes="member: 1550"><p>I 100% agree with RE. I listened for years as son regurgitated the same sad story about being alone where he lives and his ex constantly taking him to court to try to get custody over their son. She will never get more than the 50% she already has, but he has a ruined stomach, high blood pressure at 40 and anxiety over this that never quits so he calls me to "help me calm down. Youre all I have."</p><p></p><p>But every suggestion I make...therapy to help him cope, places to go to make friends, divorced parent support groups...guess what? He cant do these things. Or wont. After all, therapy in St. Louis is 100% during the day (HE HAS TOLD ME NONE HAVE EVENING HOURS) so he cant go because of work. Plus his insurance sucks. As for making friends, well, nobody meets people at meet ups and he thinks its dumb to try to make friends by going to church. Plus he doesnt want friends who are "religious nuts." His co- workers are unfriendly so also not potential friends. Support groups? He is too shy to go to a support group and they dont work for him anyway (he has never tried one). I am very exasperated.</p><p></p><p>He stopped threatening suicide when I started calling 911 when he did. He is no longer rude to me often because if he is, i will disconnect contact for several days. Five hours on the phone? The max he gets is 45 minutes and thats on a day when I am feeling very charitable. After all, we can talk 24/7 and nothing changes. And he never comes up for air long enough to ask, " How are YOU, Mom?"</p><p></p><p>I love him dearly, but I dont want him to ever live with me again. He is two states away and fortunately loves his son a lot (maybe too much...he has nobody else) and he wont leave the state where his son lives.</p><p></p><p>Your daughter is playing "I Cant" which really means "I Wont." There are good places for domestic abuse. They offer housing, therapy, job help, the works. But she has never gone, right? And how does she know shelters are full every night if she doesnt check? She wants you to step in, rescue her and support her financially. Probably wants a babysitter too so she can party and not worry about babysitters.</p><p></p><p>I would limit what days and times you will talk to her, how long you will stay on the phone, and i would get off the first time she abuses you. It works if you are consistant. Yes, it is hard, but worth it. There is NO excuse for your adult daughter to abuse you. You can reject abuse.</p><p></p><p>As for the baby, you can offer to take her, if you like. Or not. Perhaps Daughter needs to be brought to CPS attention. They will try to help her, but will expect progress from her. If she wont help herself, she cant be a good mother. It sounds harsh, but your mental health matters and the baby is helpless. Your daughter is an adult. She is 100% in control of her life. You cant change her. She needs to learn to stand on her own feet. Dont give into toddler adult tantrums.</p><p></p><p>Hugs and luck!</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 723544, member: 1550"] I 100% agree with RE. I listened for years as son regurgitated the same sad story about being alone where he lives and his ex constantly taking him to court to try to get custody over their son. She will never get more than the 50% she already has, but he has a ruined stomach, high blood pressure at 40 and anxiety over this that never quits so he calls me to "help me calm down. Youre all I have." But every suggestion I make...therapy to help him cope, places to go to make friends, divorced parent support groups...guess what? He cant do these things. Or wont. After all, therapy in St. Louis is 100% during the day (HE HAS TOLD ME NONE HAVE EVENING HOURS) so he cant go because of work. Plus his insurance sucks. As for making friends, well, nobody meets people at meet ups and he thinks its dumb to try to make friends by going to church. Plus he doesnt want friends who are "religious nuts." His co- workers are unfriendly so also not potential friends. Support groups? He is too shy to go to a support group and they dont work for him anyway (he has never tried one). I am very exasperated. He stopped threatening suicide when I started calling 911 when he did. He is no longer rude to me often because if he is, i will disconnect contact for several days. Five hours on the phone? The max he gets is 45 minutes and thats on a day when I am feeling very charitable. After all, we can talk 24/7 and nothing changes. And he never comes up for air long enough to ask, " How are YOU, Mom?" I love him dearly, but I dont want him to ever live with me again. He is two states away and fortunately loves his son a lot (maybe too much...he has nobody else) and he wont leave the state where his son lives. Your daughter is playing "I Cant" which really means "I Wont." There are good places for domestic abuse. They offer housing, therapy, job help, the works. But she has never gone, right? And how does she know shelters are full every night if she doesnt check? She wants you to step in, rescue her and support her financially. Probably wants a babysitter too so she can party and not worry about babysitters. I would limit what days and times you will talk to her, how long you will stay on the phone, and i would get off the first time she abuses you. It works if you are consistant. Yes, it is hard, but worth it. There is NO excuse for your adult daughter to abuse you. You can reject abuse. As for the baby, you can offer to take her, if you like. Or not. Perhaps Daughter needs to be brought to CPS attention. They will try to help her, but will expect progress from her. If she wont help herself, she cant be a good mother. It sounds harsh, but your mental health matters and the baby is helpless. Your daughter is an adult. She is 100% in control of her life. You cant change her. She needs to learn to stand on her own feet. Dont give into toddler adult tantrums. Hugs and luck! [/QUOTE]
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