Feeling guilty & blah

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by 1965stuie, Sep 30, 2017.

  1. 1965stuie

    1965stuie New Member

    Just going to jump in with my story, I am really not looking for advice; just throwing the BS out to the universe. My hope is maybe someone will say, it's not that bad, or hang in there.

    My daughter was never diagnosed with any mental issues, when she was 17, I set her up with a therapist. It was my understanding that they would test her (???) for a diagnosis. However, the therapist took away the ability for me to schedule the appointments and physically get her back and forth to them. In front of my daughter, the therapist tells me, "Niki is old enough to be responsible for her health, so she and I will schedule her appointments; and she will get here by herself". I knew what would happen in that very moment, I'm sure you all can guess the outcome. Niki went to 2 appointments & then she was done. Now Nik is 18 and I had to kick her out, she has become physically abusive, trigger temper. Threatens me daily....broke all my glasses, because I told her to load the dishwasher, so she took all the glasses and literally threw them in there, (not from standing next to it either) My son and I walk on eggshells, we couldn't say good morning to her,,,she will scream " don't FN talk to me, I'm not a morning person"!!! Then the next day, she will berate us for not saying anything to her. She goes from one extreme to the other. She and her friends smoke a lot of pot, one day I get a call from my landlord, telling me there is a party going on and the pot fumes were so strong that my neighbors were calling her to complain. LL said she should call the police, but wasn't going too because " I know your plate is full, next time I will and then I will start eviction process". So I went home from work livid!!! The teens started getting high somewhere else and coming back to my place for the munchies. I always grocery shop on the weekends...and come Monday, there is no food. Then she screams, you don't feed me, your starving me. The last straw was one morning I get up for work and I am watching news, drinking my coffee....a 27 year old man comes out of her bedroom and goes into the bathroom. (I didn't know he was 27 until a few days later) At the time it was just a stranger.... :/ in our home. Of course I freaked, I kicked her out, blocked her from calling me, and I am just broken up with all of this. I just can't live with this sh&t anymore. Maybe I just had high expectations, hopes that she and I would be close. But becoming violent and trashing our home is just not acceptable for anyone. I feel guilty for blocking her phone number, but honestly had a peaceful week. I figure if there is a crisis she can reach her dad or her brother. Today I plan on packing up her room, going to have a lot of damage to fix.
     
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  2. Sam3

    Sam3 Active Member

    Hang in there.

    Just because parents typically try everything, doesn't mean that when she goes there, leaving you wIth no choices, that you have to parade out a bunch of mitigation efforts.

    in my opinion, the clearest message that behavior is unacceptable, is not to tell them it's unacceptable, it's not to accept it.

    You're right. She has ways to get a hold of you if she's ready to act like she lives with other human beings.

    In the meantime, tough love can be as tough on the person giving it as receiving it.
     
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  3. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    You did the only sensible thing. I did the same when I found my daughter in my house having a pill party. She was never mean, but she broke the law and I had two young kids who didnt need to see when she flipped out on drugs.

    Keep her blocked as long as you need. She has other people who are not as worn out as you.
     
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  4. 1965stuie

    1965stuie New Member

    Well apparently, blocked people can still leave voice mails on an iphone, as I just had 7 messages from her...all cussing me out. She needed her soc and birth cirt. She screamed that she hopes she gets hit by a bus and dies, so that I will have to live with it for the rest of my life, I didn't engage...just met her outside with her doctor's and went back in. It hurts like hell to have this hanging over my head, but I am just so over doing everything for her; only to be the butt of her wrath.
     
  5. Sam3

    Sam3 Active Member

    I think our ears are connected straight to our hearts when it's our children's voices.

    But she's saying she hopes she revenge dies

    If you rechannel that back to the brain ...
     
  6. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I put my foot down, after 100 years ;)) and now if anyone talks to me disrespectfully (kids included) I wont listen. Its a phone call or texting dealbreaker. My standard response is,"i love you but wont let you disrespect me. Call me later when you feel better." *click*

    My oldest difficult son is usually very polite now. He doesnt want to destroy our relationship.
     
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    Last edited: Sep 30, 2017
  7. 1965stuie

    1965stuie New Member

    Somewhere, that is exactly where I'm at right now. I feel guilty because she is blocked (but she can still get through) and sadly, even though she was carrying on, that was verification that she managed her first week out there in the big, bad world...a sigh of relief that she is doing ok. But I am going to continue with my stands.

    Sam, I never heard the term "revenge die" you are on point with that....thanks, I think this community is going to be a blessing
     
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  8. Littleboylost

    Littleboylost On the road unwanted to travel

    You are so so so not alone. Look for the thread Who says pot is not addictive there is a link to an article about pot induced psychosis.

    You have a right to a peaceful home where people respect you. We have put our son out and he has left a few times over the past month. He is home waiting for a rehab bed.

    Have you support and help for yourself. This forum and the wise people here have been a God send to me. I also go to therapy and joined my local Naranon meeting.

    I have had so many revenge death threat, I listen
    If he declares he is going to kill himself I call 911. That has been 5 times in as many months. He has stopped this behaviour.

    I too have woken up to strangers in my house. My car being stolen while I sleep and many screaming and acting out episodes.

    He has cut all that out and knows it's a zero tolerance policy.

    Setting boundaries and being firm is much harder on our hearts that it is theirs.

    I have no idea if my son has an underlying MH issue or not. And until he is clean for a few months there is no way to tell.

    He went back to our therapist for this first time in two years this past week. Same issue that you had.

    We tell him he can't pick and choose if we are acting as advocates for him then we have a right to know what's going on health wise, court wise, life wise.

    A very kind couple consoled me in my first Naranon meeting which was a flood of tears and blubbering. The asked me a question, they asked "what is your worst fear if you make your son leave??" Of course I was afraid he would die. The smiled and said "we put our daughter out 10 years ago. She chooses to drug and live on the street. She isn't dead yet. Addicts and out of control adult children are far more resilInt than we think they are." It helped me I hope it helps you.
     
  9. 1965stuie

    1965stuie New Member

    Thank you for sharing that....I haven't checked into any support groups, I guess it just hadn't occurred to me.
     
  10. Shelley

    Shelley Helicopter Mom in Recovery

     
  11. Shelley

    Shelley Helicopter Mom in Recovery

    You are really doing well for a newbie, you daughter is quite young. You set a very important boundary she needs to learn, society is less forgiving than we parents and these behaviors with someone else will get her in real trouble.

    Never tolerate violence. Pot these days causes severe mood swings particularly in teens. It also makes them psychotic and paranoid. I didn't want to believe this because I grew up in the 60's and smoked it. Very different now. Turning off the phone is huge, I have done that myself.
     
  12. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    My son is living in the streets. He is 21 and continues to live a druggie lifestyle. His behavior continues to cause him problems.

    I had to decide that my sanity, health, and financial well being also matters.
     
  13. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    Hi 1965 and welcome:

    Is your daughter drinking or using other drugs? Her behavior sounds pretty outrageous for someone just smoking pot.

    How old is your daughter now? Does she work?

    This is hard stuff and you're doing the best you can. Have some self-compassion for you!
     
  14. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    Welcome 1965. I'm sorry you are here. :hugs:

    You did the only thing you could do under the circumstances. You can't let someone - anyone - scream, threaten and destroy your things...maybe even get you arrested - do you think the cops will care or believe that you didn't know there were drugs in the house? No...when making rules don't work the only thing you can do is evict the rule-breaker from your home.

    It was SO hard to put my son out. I couldn't do it until he was stealing from us. Even then I let him come back at one point.

    Hang in there. You DID do the right thing.
     
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  15. strangeworld

    strangeworld Member

    Just wanted to say I also have a daughter that behaves this way at times snd I'm new here as well. She smokes pot and drinks and maybe more I don't know. She just turned 19 and she's on the streets....the park... hopefully couch surfing at friends part of the time. She lets her phone go dead so O can't even trach her half the time. It's an absolute nightmare loving someone you have to put out knowing their state. My daughter also has depression and comes home after a coyole weeks unbsthed...because she's probably living at the park. It's a dangerous life. Especially for girls. Emotionally at times I don't think I can take it. Just wanted you to know you are not alone. Your daughter is probably in a better position than my kid considering she probably os crashing at friends' places. My heart feels for you and I'm sure you will get some good support here.
     
  16. Littleboylost

    Littleboylost On the road unwanted to travel

    Strange. Your are right we are not alone
     
  17. 1965stuie

    1965stuie New Member

    Thank you all for the responses, & yea she is couch surfing, she is just so angry. I just don't know why. She liked at her dad's because she had no rules. He just turned his head and looked the other way. When I told him she was smoking weed, he refused to believe me. Up until he kicked her out. I have a son 22, and I would go to work in fear that the cops would end up busting in and he would get dragged into this...he at 22 is very responsible,refuses to drink, even when his friends are. When he turned 21 I took him to dinner and I told him, he could try a drink, or a beer...he said nope, best to never start. I was so proud. Now he looks at everything she has done, and he apologized for his teenage attitude (which was nothing in comparison) I try very hard to not praise one kid over the other, at least I try to not do it in front of the other. My hopes are that she will grow out of this. She did text me from her boyfriend's phone and said thanks for being her sole supporter, (in her corner) I kept it very brief & told her I loved her and only wanted her to be safe, and happy. So that was small step. My weekend was nice, peaceful & I got to CLEAN my home...that is my therapy. You all are great support!!! I pray for all of us that are going through this...please keep our kids safe & healthy...many, many thanks