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Substance Abuse
feeling guilty for my homeless 20yr.old son
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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 629705" data-attributes="member: 1550"><p>Think about it this way. </p><p></p><p>Could he be living in your home? YES! All he had to do are the things most young adults do...go to college or get a full time job, do a few chores (many of us are lax on that), maybe pay a little rent (ditto), be respectful to the family, abstain from violence, and operate within the law. These are normal parental expectations of their adult children and most adult children don't even have to be told about them to know this. I'm sure you talked to him many times, maybe cried and pleaded, threatened and fought with him, listened to his skewed logic and gave him chances and offered to help him, like most of us did before we finally felt we had to choice but to make our adult child leave. This is done both for us, so we can have peace and not look over our shoulders, and for the child himself. No difficult child grows up by being coddled. In fact, a difficult child LOVES being coddled and some sad elderly adults are eighty years old still feeding chicken soup to abusive, alcoholic sixty year old difficult children. The difficult child learned he never had to grow up so he didn't.</p><p></p><p>Do you want to be that woman who never had a life except trying to save her son who obviously is not going to be saved? It is a choice we all make. Some of our difficult children respond well to the shock of being thrown out, usually not right away, but eventually. My daughter grew up and decided it wasn't worth using drugs...it is a very tough and dangerous life...she got sick of it and quit it all, even cigarettes and as she quit, we grew very close again. Does this always happen? No! But at least our grown children know that if they continue to act like ten year olds, they can not run to us to take care of them as if they ARE ten years old. ANd then they do have to figure out how to survive, one way or the other. Do you think it would help your son more if he lived in comfort while using/selling drugs, not doing much of anything with his life, abusing you, and being taken care of as if he were still ten? Or five? This is your dilemma. It is all of our dilemmas.</p><p></p><p>Even my worse difficult child 36, who I believe would rob banks if he wasn't afraid of getting caught, has learned he has to get a job, and he has a GOOD job, take care of his son, and feed himself. I tossed him out once. He lived in various hotels, and not nice ones. Although he is far from ok, and I think I don't know half of what he has done, he is at least self-supporting and knows he can not decide to chuck his job, give us sad eyes, and come home. He has been dangerous sometimes to both me and his father (who is my ex) and would not be welcome to live with either of us again. He is doing better in his own house on his own a few states away from us. </p><p></p><p>I am a huge believer in forcing our difficult children out of the cozy nest and not making their criminal lives easy. I also don't believe it is good to throw money at our grown children, especially those who are using it for drugs, although they will lie and say it is for food or rent or anything to pull at our heartstrings.</p><p></p><p>I don't know if this post helped, but I hope so. My heart is with you and I hope you can get some peace tonight. You are worth it.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 629705, member: 1550"] Think about it this way. Could he be living in your home? YES! All he had to do are the things most young adults do...go to college or get a full time job, do a few chores (many of us are lax on that), maybe pay a little rent (ditto), be respectful to the family, abstain from violence, and operate within the law. These are normal parental expectations of their adult children and most adult children don't even have to be told about them to know this. I'm sure you talked to him many times, maybe cried and pleaded, threatened and fought with him, listened to his skewed logic and gave him chances and offered to help him, like most of us did before we finally felt we had to choice but to make our adult child leave. This is done both for us, so we can have peace and not look over our shoulders, and for the child himself. No difficult child grows up by being coddled. In fact, a difficult child LOVES being coddled and some sad elderly adults are eighty years old still feeding chicken soup to abusive, alcoholic sixty year old difficult children. The difficult child learned he never had to grow up so he didn't. Do you want to be that woman who never had a life except trying to save her son who obviously is not going to be saved? It is a choice we all make. Some of our difficult children respond well to the shock of being thrown out, usually not right away, but eventually. My daughter grew up and decided it wasn't worth using drugs...it is a very tough and dangerous life...she got sick of it and quit it all, even cigarettes and as she quit, we grew very close again. Does this always happen? No! But at least our grown children know that if they continue to act like ten year olds, they can not run to us to take care of them as if they ARE ten years old. ANd then they do have to figure out how to survive, one way or the other. Do you think it would help your son more if he lived in comfort while using/selling drugs, not doing much of anything with his life, abusing you, and being taken care of as if he were still ten? Or five? This is your dilemma. It is all of our dilemmas. Even my worse difficult child 36, who I believe would rob banks if he wasn't afraid of getting caught, has learned he has to get a job, and he has a GOOD job, take care of his son, and feed himself. I tossed him out once. He lived in various hotels, and not nice ones. Although he is far from ok, and I think I don't know half of what he has done, he is at least self-supporting and knows he can not decide to chuck his job, give us sad eyes, and come home. He has been dangerous sometimes to both me and his father (who is my ex) and would not be welcome to live with either of us again. He is doing better in his own house on his own a few states away from us. I am a huge believer in forcing our difficult children out of the cozy nest and not making their criminal lives easy. I also don't believe it is good to throw money at our grown children, especially those who are using it for drugs, although they will lie and say it is for food or rent or anything to pull at our heartstrings. I don't know if this post helped, but I hope so. My heart is with you and I hope you can get some peace tonight. You are worth it. [/QUOTE]
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feeling guilty for my homeless 20yr.old son
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