Feeling Guilty

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by savior no more, Jul 26, 2016.

  1. savior no more

    savior no more Active Member

    So my son has a court date tomorrow on one of his charges and I am out of town on vacation - finally after getting out of school. I e-mailed his attorney and his attorney acted like it was more legal maneuvering trying to get the DA to reduce sentence from 25 years. They seem to be not budging even though ARC has written a letter to the court and the attorney on my son's behalf due to his intellectual disability. I have not been to all of these hearings as I was doing my clinical hours and couldn't miss, but this time I feel guilty because I'm having fun. I was at the last pre-trial two weeks ago. I feel so ignorant not knowing all of the law and the machinations, but really this is just another form of trying to control it. What difference is it if I know the law? I'm not the one that seems to need to learn it.

    Geez - I have this fear my son will accept something and I can't save him. This is just the pervasive fear of my life - my not being able to save him. I think with some time and rest from the grind I have been under I will be able to go to my Al-Anon meetings and take time for me. At least in the last month my son seems to have begun to realize the drugs and people he was associating with are the key component to him being there. I just tell him that I'm sure he will figure it out and that I love him. Thanks for listening.
  2. Childofmine

    Childofmine one day at a time

    Hi Savior no more, I'm sorry and I understand the unease and even guilt you are feeling about being somewhere having fun while your precious son is in jail.

    Please---do the best you can to live in the moment and let this go. You aren't in jail. He is in jail. and he's there because he made choices that put him there for the safety of other people...and a side benefit is his own safety.

    I got to the point that I could breathe and even relax when my son was in jail. He was...somewhere...instead of out on the street homeless and/or couch surfing and taking drugs and doing who knows what else.

    You're right, you could be there, but this isn't your job to do. It's the attorney's job to do, and they may or may not reduce the sentence right now. If they don't, there will be other times---the right time---where you can be a part of this process if there is a role for you to play.

    Ah. Now this is important. He is right where he needs to be, it sounds like. He is in a place where he is drug-free and away from the friends and he can feel the full force of his decisions. That is a good thing. Maybe he's not ready to leave yet. Maybe this is exactly the right thing for him...right now.

    And for you. You lean into this moment of rest and relaxation and just enjoy it. You have worked for it and you deserve it. Just work to live in the ...right now. Right now everything is okay. Let the future take care of itself.

    Warm hugs. Yes please go to Al-Anon. This is your time.
  3. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet


    My son has never been in jail long term but I have been in emotional jail due to his choices.

    Don't feel guilty. We spent too much time feeling guilty for something that has nothing to do with us and it does no good to anyone. Enjoy your vacation.

    This is his journey. This is another twist and turn in his journey.

    You deserve peace and happiness.
  4. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    There is a saying in the language of my people that translates to this " A mother is only as happy as her saddest child."
    This is a saying because there is truth to this. I see it in every mother on this board. We are so entrenched in their lives.
    I would imagine that this level of attachment, and giving up of ones self, was necessary for the survival of our species. It was the females greatest contribution to bring forth life and then make sure the infant survived to adulthood in order to take their place in the tribe.
  5. mof

    mof Momdidntsignupforthis

  6. mof

    mof Momdidntsignupforthis

    Emotional jail..perfect..sorry, still learning this!
  7. savior no more

    savior no more Active Member

    Thank you for the response and words. I was able to get through that day and even enjoyed the rest of my trip. The last week of my clinical hours were spent at a treatment facility and oh my goodness did I ever see myself in the family sessions. My son is doing better now where he is. What I need to do is allow the deep grief of accepting the reality of who he is and the life he has. I do many things to avoid this. You are right - the future will take care of itself.
  8. savior no more

    savior no more Active Member

    I would imagine that this level of attachment, and giving up of ones self, was necessary for the survival of our species.

    You hit the nail on the head with the attachment issue. I have had problems with attachment my whole life as my father was very sick when I was born and I had to live with another family as an infant. My own post-partum depression when my son - Difficult Child - was born I know affected his attachment. I think that is one reason I will tolerate behavior that isn't that great just to not feel left out. It's interesting you talk about biologically wired that way for survival. The psychiatrist who did a talk at the treatment facility I did some clinical hours stated that our behaviors emanate from survival mechanisms. He asked why even the lowest wolf in a pack with high stress cortisol levels and their tail between their legs didn't leave the pack? Because in a pack we are more likely to survive and this helped me see the biological basis for this fear. However, it sure gave me insight into why I do what I do. With this, the judgement is lessened and maybe I can begin that process of detaching more.
  9. savior no more

    savior no more Active Member

    You deserve peace and happiness.[/QUOTE]

    I'm slowly beginning to see this. I think the belief is the beginning of changing our choices and existence.