Feeling hopeful...

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by toughlovin, Sep 9, 2011.

  1. toughlovin

    toughlovin Guest

    Well I am on the upswing of the roller coaster ride that is my life with my difficult child! I went to visit him yesterday at the hospital. His attitude was much different than the day before.... he said to me "I want to stop being miserable". The doctor had talked to him about a tx program that deals with issues around relationships. He said he knows he is very codpeendent in relationships and he is not the way most people are when in a relationship!!!

    So in talking to the social worker what I got is the hospital is thinking he is borderline personality disorder or at least has a lot of those features. I was kind of stunned by this as i had thought of antisocial personality disorder... however my info on Borderline (BPD) is 20 years old from when I was in grad school. A lot changes in 20 years. Much better definition of the disorder and a lot of new treatments so it is a much more hopeful diagnosis than antisocial personality. And when I read the symptoms they fit my son very very well. Also a much more hopeful definition than antisocial personality disorder which also fits but doesn't quite feel right given what I know about him. AND I read an article that says men with Borderline (BPD) are often misdiagnosed as being antisocial personality disorder!!

    Anyway they are talking to him about an outpatient program that specializes in treatment for this kind of disorder... so DBT and CBT treatments. My son is actually considering it!!! I am very happy about that and hope he follows through.

    I told the social worker it was up to him. She pushed back on me a little because even though he is almost 20 he is still a kid. True. I told her I would support any of their recommendations but that I would not give him an ultimatums. That if I did that he would absolutely refuse to go.

    In fact the day before he had taken this stand that he would not go to any day treatment. I almost wonder if that was to fight what he thought I would say. I basically told him it was up to him... that I would support him getting there but it was his choice. Maybe that took the fight out of him and he started thinking about what he needs for himself.

    So I am feeling hopeful.

    Would be interested in any experiences with Borderline (BPD)...

  2. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I'm sure you won't be surprised when I tell you my difficult child was diagnosed with Borderline (BPD) when she was in residential. I found her a therapist when she was released from inpatient that was experienced in CBT and DBT and she really liked him but then relapsed and stopped going. I am convinced that until she deals with those issues she will never recover. I have read they are having a lot of success with DBT in Borderline (BPD) patients.

    I too was shocked when I read the discharge papers and saw the BPT but then I bought the book "I Hate You, Don't Leave Me" and I was struck by how difficult child fit just about everything in that book. Of course she had problems before she became an addict, and this explains it all.

    I'm so glad your difficult child is where he is at. It sounds as if the staff really knows whats going on. I do think relationships are the crux of the issue for both our difficult child's and how wonderful it will be if he can work on that. I'm hopeful right along with you.

  3. pinevalley

    pinevalley Member

    I know absolutely nothing about Borderline (BPD), but I am so glad that your difficult child is at a place that will help him. I am sending you good wishes for this treatment for your son, and I am so happy that you see some hope for him. We all want to feel hopeful about our children...

    Keep us posted on his progress with the treatment.
  4. toughlovin

    toughlovin Guest

    Thanks Nancy. LOL I am not surprised since your daughter and my son sound so similar. No one has mentioned Borderline (BPD) before in relation to my son... it was ODD and then possibly conduct disorder... which when you read the descriptions do sound like his behavior.... but I kept thinking back to when he was little and how sensitive he was and how he always felt things so deeply and as a young child he did show empathy... so I do think he has the potential for empathy which never quite matched the antisocial concept... plus he is a very social person. However it makes sense to me that since Borderline (BPD) tends to be more diagnosed in women, that men with the disorder given our social norms would act out in more antisocial ways.

    We shall see what happens. He definitely is looking for help right now. I truly believe if we can get to the underlying issues the substance abuse issues will be easier to deal with. We did talk yesterday about how he has used substances as a coping skill and I think that is very true.... and if he can find healthier ways of dealing with all of his feelings and issues then it will be easier for him to stay sober.

    We are lucky in that we live in an area with this very good and well known psychiatric hospital that is not real far from where we live. So when he wanted to check himself in, I took him there instead of the local general hospital. I mean he has been in plenty of treatment and no one has mentioned Borderline (BPD) before. Yet it makes a lot of sense.

    So I am hopeful and trying not to be too hopeful since I also know what that fall feels like.

    I keep thinking of you and your daughter. Have you heard any more from her?

  5. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Not much. I sent her a text asking if she was still living at the sober house yesterday because I had some things I wanted to send her that she left here by mistake the last time she visited. After 4 hours went by and she didn't answer I told her that I sent them to the house and hoped she would get them. Her answer was "yes I'm still here." husband texted her last evening and asked what was happening with her lately and she responded, "I wasn't doing what I should have been." I saw a couple messages to friends on fb and it looks like she is back going to meetings but she is still involved with some guy who is in recovery but not following it and everyone has told her that situation is dangerous and her response is that she still loves him. So you see she is just like your son and I see the Borderline (BPD) traits more and more with her. Without facing those issues I'm afraid it's not going to work.

  6. toughlovin

    toughlovin Guest

    Oy... thank goodness so far my sons two major gfs have not been addicts..... at least your daughter seems to know she messed up and so hopefully when things get bad with this guy (and we know it will) she will think again of sobering up.!! I am sort of sitting on pins and needles wondering what my son is going to do and if he will get into this tx program and whether he will go for it.

    Keep hanging in there.... all we can do is keep loving them in spite of themselves.