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Feeling hopeless for my adult homeless son
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<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 653325" data-attributes="member: 17461"><p>This is a good place to begin to see what is happening to you and your child from a different perspective. </p><p></p><p>So here goes, then.</p><p></p><p>:O)</p><p></p><p>We are their mothers. We loved and kept them safe when they were little. It was after they were away from our care that they began making self-destructive choices. </p><p></p><p>We could not stop them.</p><p></p><p>That is a very different perspective than believing we are responsible, or that we are at fault somehow, for the actions they took or the choices they made once they were away from our protection.</p><p></p><p>***</p><p></p><p>I felt as you do for the longest time. I lived in this desperate place where nothing mattered but how to help my kids and recover our family. Things did not begin to change for our children until my husband and I stopped helping. I think what happens when we help too much is that the kids develop an unhealthy dependence on us. For the physical stuff, but more important to the kids' own development and maturity, for things like moral strength and the capacity to make good choices.</p><p></p><p>They learn to trust us, and to distrust themselves. </p><p></p><p>But the awful thing is that until they can step up and learn to believe in and trust their own judgment, they cannot develop the strength it takes to beat an addiction, or to function in spite of a mental illness.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>He is young and strong. He can turn this around.</p><p></p><p>He will need to learn to rely on and believe in himself before he can do that.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>It is good to come to the place you are at, today. You are willing to try something different, and that is good. I think what you are really saying here is that you don't know what else to do to help him. But you do know that what you've been doing hasn't worked.</p><p></p><p>Expect his behaviors to escalate when you begin to say "NO".</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>It helped me very much to research what services were available for the homeless in the area where my daughter went homeless. If you research this online, if you make phone calls to hear the voices of those willing to help those in your son's position, you will feel stronger and better able to say "NO MONEY".</p><p></p><p>And saying "NO MONEY" is a really important first step to helping your child regain his integrity.</p><p></p><p>He is a man.</p><p></p><p>He cannot see himself as a man if his mom is arbiter of his life. For his own sake, your son needs to take responsibility for himself.</p><p></p><p>Once I could see my children from this perspective, I was better able to say no and live with myself. It is a very hard thing, to say no. It continues to be hard. There will be people in your child's life who will give him money after you have refused, and that will feel really bad. But I have been at this for a long time, and I think it is best for the kids if we stop helping.</p><p></p><p>It's really hard, though.</p><p></p><p>Cedar</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar *, post: 653325, member: 17461"] This is a good place to begin to see what is happening to you and your child from a different perspective. So here goes, then. :O) We are their mothers. We loved and kept them safe when they were little. It was after they were away from our care that they began making self-destructive choices. We could not stop them. That is a very different perspective than believing we are responsible, or that we are at fault somehow, for the actions they took or the choices they made once they were away from our protection. *** I felt as you do for the longest time. I lived in this desperate place where nothing mattered but how to help my kids and recover our family. Things did not begin to change for our children until my husband and I stopped helping. I think what happens when we help too much is that the kids develop an unhealthy dependence on us. For the physical stuff, but more important to the kids' own development and maturity, for things like moral strength and the capacity to make good choices. They learn to trust us, and to distrust themselves. But the awful thing is that until they can step up and learn to believe in and trust their own judgment, they cannot develop the strength it takes to beat an addiction, or to function in spite of a mental illness. He is young and strong. He can turn this around. He will need to learn to rely on and believe in himself before he can do that. It is good to come to the place you are at, today. You are willing to try something different, and that is good. I think what you are really saying here is that you don't know what else to do to help him. But you do know that what you've been doing hasn't worked. Expect his behaviors to escalate when you begin to say "NO". It helped me very much to research what services were available for the homeless in the area where my daughter went homeless. If you research this online, if you make phone calls to hear the voices of those willing to help those in your son's position, you will feel stronger and better able to say "NO MONEY". And saying "NO MONEY" is a really important first step to helping your child regain his integrity. He is a man. He cannot see himself as a man if his mom is arbiter of his life. For his own sake, your son needs to take responsibility for himself. Once I could see my children from this perspective, I was better able to say no and live with myself. It is a very hard thing, to say no. It continues to be hard. There will be people in your child's life who will give him money after you have refused, and that will feel really bad. But I have been at this for a long time, and I think it is best for the kids if we stop helping. It's really hard, though. Cedar [/QUOTE]
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