feeling hopeless:(

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by tcrose19, Jul 6, 2013.

  1. tcrose19

    tcrose19 New Member

    I have two out of control son's 17 and 19 they have been using drugs and drinking for the last two years and are quite verbally abusive to my husband and I. Things got so bad that I left to stay with my mom about 400 miles away for a while but then my husband kicked my 19 year old out so I let him come here with me it's been about 3 months now and I want to go back to my husband but he refuses to even let my son live in a homeless shelter near us and my son won't work or listen to anything I have to say without becoming rude and angry with me. I don't know what to do. I'm just so upset and worried about my son's situation please help.
  2. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Tcrose, I am very sorry you are in the situation you are in. Your son has effectively driven a wedge between your family as he manages to hold you hostage at your mother's and be disrespectful and rude. The longer you put up with this bad behavior, not only will it continue, it is likely to get worse. You are in a difficult place, however, you should not allow your son(s) to dictate the lives of you and your husband, all you do is send the wrong message that this is okay. What you are doing is enabling him.

    Many of us here have or are facing similar issues with our adult kids, it is an extremely hard place to be. Many of us opt for some kind of professional help. Since your sons are using drugs and drinking, you may certainly benefit from al-anon meetings, 12 step family groups or private therapy. You will need help to make different choices which will be healthier for your husband and yourself and you will clearly require help to set strong boundaries around this kind of behavior. If you continue to permit this behavior, this is what you will live with for a very long time. Neither of your sons has any incentive to change.

    Of course you are worried about your sons situation, that is natural, unfortunately you will need to override that worry and in my opinion, give your son a clear ultimatum and stick with it...............you go back to your husband, he vacates your mothers and finds a job, a shelter or the streets, but this behavior cannot continue. Those kinds of hard choices absolutely require professional help because as you can see, left to your own devices, you will permit the behavior because of your fears about the outcome for your son(s). Unfortunately, as we have seen here many times, the issues with our kids rarely if ever gets any better until we make those hard choices.

    You are presently stuck between a rock and a hard place and the only one who can get you out of that place is YOU. My belief and also my experience is that you will need to 1. get professional help to assist you, 2. set unbreakable boundaries around your son(s) behaviors, 3. likely force your son to leave both your home and your mother's home as long as he continues on this path, 4. stay the course, no matter what bad choices your son(s) make, 5. allow your son(s) to experience the natural consequences of their behavior and actions and DO NOT STEP IN TO SAVE THEM.

    You are likely reading that and thinking you could never do that to your children. And, of course, you always have a choice. However, what I do know is that as long as you allow this behavior, you will live with it, it will disrupt your life in ways you cannot imagine, you will become angry, resentful, depleted, filled with dread and walk on eggshells all the time. Your life will be taken over by the negative behaviors of children and substance abuse. There are predictable results and you are probably living them right now.

    Some major hospitals and HMO's offer codependency programs for the parents/families. You might research those too. You can evict your 19 year old son and if that is the course you take, research what the rules are in your state because some states require legal action to do that even if it's your child. You can give your son a list of homeless shelters in another town other then the one you and your husband live in and insist he go there when you return home to your husband. You can get a restraining order if that is appropriate. Whatever road you choose, you are the only one in this situation who can make the changes. Your husband has drawn his line in the sand. You are the one who hasn't and you will have to do that if you want your life and your husband and your home back.

    I'm sorry you are going through this, it is a huge struggle, I know. But you have the power to change it and you will have to be very strong and get help to do it. You should never put up with abusive behavior from ANYONE. As long as you do, that is where you will live. Your choice. I hope you make it today. Go get help and don't put up with this any longer. This is not your fault. You did not create this. You cannot change your sons, you can only take care of yourself. I wish you peace..................
  3. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Hi there. I'm really sorry things are so out of control for you. I know how scary it is to live with a drug user.

    Hon, you have to think about, first and foremost, yourself and your husband. You can't put yourself in danger and risk health problems, even for your kids, especially when they choose to use drugs, which leads to dangerous, stress-making behavior for you. If I were you, I'd never have left. The kids would have left and not come home until th ey were in a rehab, working the program. That includes seventeen year old. I would have called the cops if I knew my son was high and dangerous. I did call the cops on my daughter and all I did was find her smoking pot. I wanted to turn in the guy who had given her the pot and she wouldn't tell me who it was so I handed it over to the cops, since she HAD told me it was a thirty something year old adult.

    You should NOT have to leave your own house and your husband.

    Have you ever gone to an Al-Anon or Nar-Anon meeting? I strongly recommend either one so that you can learn the hard task of letting go and of taking your own life back and of learning that there is NOTHING you can do to help your sons' You can't control anybody in the world except yourself. Your kids have to decide they want to change or they won't. But YOU can learn how to live a sane life even while some of your loved ones are not. Worrying about your son's situation will not make him better. He is a drug addict and he needs to help himself. And you need to help yourself get back to a good place since there is nothing you can do for your son.

    Yor mom should not have to put up with your son's stress either and your husband did in my opinion the right thing by making your son leave. If he is so afraid of your son that he doesn't want him in a homeless shelter nearby (which is something he can't control, by the way) your son needs to find somewhere else to live. These drug users are resourceful. They will find places to sleep. Usually since their main goal in life is to get high or wasted they don't really care where they live. You don't need to give t hem warm, fuzzy lodgings, food, cell phones, car use etc. to help them be comfortable while they self-destruct. How will that make them want to stop using drugs?

    Hugs and keep us posted!!
  4. Tiredof33

    Tiredof33 Active Member

    It's a very stressful situation to be in. I thought I had my enabling under control years ago, then my difficult child relapsed and is in a relationship where they both were in on a conn for money that I fell for.

    I started really looking at the things I was doing - that I did not think of as enabling - I and I realized this could continue for the rest of my life, IF I allowed it.

    You have to set boundaries and you have to let them know what will happen if they do not follow your rules. The most important part is you have to be ready to enforce your rules, regardless of the excuses they come up with.

    There are some great books out to for you to read, if you can afford it therapy really helps (when you have a good therapist) if you have any support groups in your area find them. You probably will not get your sons to go, maybe not your husband, but it will help you.

    You can not force your sons to get help, you can not change them. As long as they have food and a roof over their heads they will continue to use and abuse until THEY decide to change their habits. It is a difficult situation to be in and as a grand with a 19yo acting like yours, there's no way they would be in my home. I have learned the hard way that all I did thinking I was helping was not helping at all. I cringe when I think of all the money I have spent trying to help my difficult child start over.
    (((hugs and blessings)))
  5. tcrose19

    tcrose19 New Member

    Thank you for all the good advice :) I know what I need to do but it's just so painful. I told my son this morning that I need to go home but he is not going back with me and that he can go live with some friends or go to a shelter and that he needs to give up the pot addiction. He seriously thinks I'm crazy for thinking he has an addiction he says it's just pot it's a natural herb and his dad was wrong to kick him out. Ugh I hate that he can't see what he's doing to himself and his family. My husband will not go to al-anon but I need help to be strong because I'm always second guessing myself and feel like it's all my fault my boys turned out like this. Thank you for your help