Feeling hopeless

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Iwantpeace, May 15, 2015.

  1. Iwantpeace

    Iwantpeace Member

    I'm so upset I can barely type this. I knew that my Difficult Child would probably getting a warrant out for him because he had broken an injunction with his ex. I have stated in a past post that I had gotten an injunction against my son and then I dropped it. He didn't know that I had gotten the injunction and just coincidentally he tried to kill himself that night. So I was so upset seeing him pitiful that I went to court and had it dropped. So now he says even though mine got dropped it will make it worse for him in court because of the statements I made in it that he threatend to kill me. He called today so upset saying the attorney is talking about my injunction and I've helped to bury him. Before all this he's never been in any trouble with the law. He has been unstable and said awful things. He said on the phone today that he never hurt anyone and those were just words. She has some damaging text that he sent her. Hewas on the phone basically blaming me for turning against him and what kind of mother helps destroy her son. I know he's terrified and that is still my only son. I'm sure everyone will say he deserves it. I just feel so hopeless. I don't want him to not ever be able to have a normal life. Between being on adderol and all the antidepressants and mental illness that runs in my exs family, I feel like he is in a state of mania. Not to excuse him but it still is a part of the problem. It's so hard to see your grown (baby) in such fear and pain. I feel so terrible thinking I could have made this worse for him. Im Sure my friends and you will think he deserves it. My heart is broken feeling his dispair. He said she has an army of people to standup for her, and believe me she has done some awful things herself. He said he has no one to speak up for him. i can't defend anything he's said. I feel his pain, I feel my precious little grandchilds pain because I know he misses his Daddy. He was Daddy's boy. Then there is my pain that wavers between pain and self hatred. Thank God I'm off work tomorrow. I'm physically ill now. I'm thankful I can vent here because I'm sure my friends don't want to hear this. How can this be my world....
    Last edited: May 15, 2015
  2. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Well, I feel bad for your hurting heart, but I'm logical and realistic, even when my own kids got into trouble although they chose not to take it so far they went to jail.Threatening somebody is scary to the victim and dangerous and illegal. He is not doing anything productive right now as it is so how much worse can it get? Jail has straightened out a few of our adult kids. Yes, adult. He is not your baby and has not been for TWENTY EIGHT years. You are afraid of him. He has to learn that if he threatens people he WILL get into trouble.

    And he's dead wrong if he thinks no parent would call the cops on their kids. I did. I hoped it would help my daughter stop using drugs and she did stop. Your son needs to quit the Adderrall and if he is truly a narcicistic personality, there is nothing you can do for him except learn better ways to cope with his manipulations and outbursts and attempts to make you feel guilty so that you will do whatever he asks you to do and treat him as if he is an innocent ten year old who needs his mommy.

    You are not helping to destroy your son. By letting him get away with being dangerous and on drugs, THAT would be helping to destroy him. You'd be sitting by letting him end up in jail anyway when he did it to a stranger AND put his own life in danger by his drug use and behavior.

    I hope you're not paying for that lawyer. That's your decision of course but it is destructive to both ourselves and to our loved ones when we enable criminal behavior. The way he is going, he will never live a normal life. Whether he ever does or not is up to him, not you.

    Hugs for your hurting heart. I understand, but think you are thinking about this the wrong way. Maybe don't talk to your manipulative son for a few days. He is going to "play" you like a fiddle.

    They always panic when you get caught. That's no surprise. What surprises them is that they may have to face discipline that is out of their hands. They should have thought of that before doing it. I do feel sorry for you. I hope your son gets his act together. It's his call. Maybe he'll stop threatening his ex.

    While your son is acting dangerous, in my opinion he should not be allowed to be around his son. If it were MY son, I'd be trying to keep him AWAY from my grandchild.

    This is NOT your world. He is seperate from you and you would not do the things he has done. It is your son's world and now he may have to live in it and it's NOT YOUR FAULT, even if he tries to guilt yout hat it is. If you thought he might kill you...that's pretty serious violence. You need to think with your head, not your heart, and think bout what he did to prompt your call. He sounds very angry and needs to learn to control it.
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    Last edited: May 15, 2015
  3. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    First, I'm sending you a ((HUG))

    You did not do this to him he did it to himself.

    It's not a matter of whether he deserves this, it's a matter of he has made choices in his life that have real consequences. He is not willing or wanting to own his responsibility in this so he will place the blame on you.
    You really need to understand that his choices have created all of this chaos. YOU did not do this to him, HE did this to himself.

    I understand you are hurting, that you love your son. I am sorry you are going through this. Please do not let him guilt you into thinking that any of this is your fault.

    You filed an injunction against him because you were afraid of him. He has threatened you and done damage to your home. If a perfect stranger were to do this you would not stand for it so don't stand for it just because it's your son.

    This is only a part of your world. Do not let it define you. You have done all you can for your son. You are now single and have your own life to live. I cannot stress enough how important it is for you to do something good for yourself. Something as simple as getting a pedicure.

    One thing that always helps to bring about peace for me is being in nature. I am blessed to have a forest preserve in back yard, I will go for a walk or ride my bike. It's so peaceful. Even if you can just go to a park and watch the ducks, or a drive in the country.

    I will also suggest that you limit your contact with your son. If he calls you do not have to answer. Sometimes it's easier to communicate via texting. This is about boundaries. You need to set them. Do not let your son bully you and if he tries tell him you will call the police and be prepared to do it. Again, his choices have created all this chaos not you.

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  4. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    Sending more hugs

    Mine didn't end up in court, but... the threats! And those were part of his mental illness. Verbal runoff.

    You CAN support him. Not the threats, but by supporting his need for real help for his mental illness. Sometimes, court can order treatment in lieu of prison/jail. Sometimes, it even works.
  5. Scent of Cedar *

    Scent of Cedar * Well-Known Member

    You are experiencing PTSD, Iwantpeace.

    It will pass, but it will take a function of will for you to resolve it completely.

    I am glad you posted. Naming the emotional place where we are helps us survive it. Post traumatic stress, or FOG, are two names that I have for this feeling you are feeling, now.

    I am sorry this is happening. There are no words to describe the pain of watching someone we love self-destruct. There is nothing easy or right about what is happening, here. But you must accept that it is what it is, Iwantpeace. You did not do this. Your son created this ~ all of it. You cannot fix this for your son. I agree with SWOT that your son has forfeited his right to be anywhere near his child. He is abusing drugs and he is abusing you, Iwantpeace. Bi-polar is often diagnosed in those using street drugs, and no one can really say whether the street drugs created the bipolar. But however it came to be, it is your son who needs to take responsibility for his own mental and physical state.

    There is nothing I know of that will help a practicing addict.

    What you see and hear, those words he is saying that are killing the heart of you, that is addict talk. You must train yourself to recognize and disregard it Iwantpeace, or you will not survive this.

    It is very hard.

    You are battling one of the most hurtful, destructive things that can happen to a family.

    Addicted people never do tell the truth. Their addictions are destroying them from the inside out, and integrity is one of the first things to go ~ right after empathy, I think. Addiction is too horrifying a thing for love ~ even the love of a mother ~ to change.

    There is nothing you can do for him, Iwantpeace.

    Like me, and like every parent here with an addicted child, you need to put space and time between yourself and your son. Whether he chooses the addiction or not, he is currently addicted and is not safe to be around. He is not safe to talk to even on the phone because he will hurt you to get what he wants ~ which will always come down to money. Somehow, whether he begins torturing you with sad tales of his child, or with bitter accusations against you for taking him seriously after he assaulted you and damaged your house the first time (I think the garage door thing was assault) it will always get back to money.

    Other than forever wanting money, our addicted children are unpredictable. Your son is not safe for you to be around, or to see, or to talk to on the phone. Not in his current actively addicted state.

    Hang onto that with both hands. It is the truest thing I know. An addiction has your son, and you will not see him again until he breaks it.

    What you can do is begin working on yourself. Tanya gave correct advice. Taking care of ourselves helps us refocus. A pedicure, a walk, watching the sunrise, a favorite song; gourmet coffee, a glass of good wine, a class of some kind, a great book or a movie ~ each of these things are our tools. If we are going to make it through this, we need to commit to surviving it. When we feel our sanity wobbling, we need to go to our toolbox. (That is Child of Mine's imagery.) Envision a tool box in your mind, Iwantpeace. Every helpful thing, everything you know that will change your mood from traumatized to stableized goes in that tool box where you can access it at will.

    You are strong enough, Iwantpeace.

    We all are getting through this hard thing one day at a time. I am glad you found the site and that you are here with us now. Please know we have been right there where you are this morning, Iwantpeace. We do know how hard, how impossibly hard it is to do what needs to be done when our children are addicted.

    I am so sorry this is happening to you, and to your son.

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  6. Iwantpeace

    Iwantpeace Member

    Cedar, Thanks for taking the time out this morning to reach out.
    The tool box thing is something I will work on. The coffee always helps anything. My work is even part of my tool box. For now though I have to say, this site that God must have lead me to is probably my biggest tool.
  7. Iwantpeace

    Iwantpeace Member

    Thanks Tanya, you have been so good to always respond to my cries!
    I read a lot of what you post to other people and I'm sure you must know that you are doing really important work here. We are lucky to have found you.
  8. Scent of Cedar *

    Scent of Cedar * Well-Known Member

    I agree, about this site, Iwantpeace. The parents here have shown me how to do this, and stood behind me and stood me up a million times.

    I still need everyone here, and am deeply appreciative for the way they have cared for me, and for the tender way we care for one another.

    Wishing you a good day at work, Iwantpeace.


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  9. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    Awe, @Iwantpeace you are so sweet, thank you for your kind words.
    I am so happy to be a part of this community. I wish I would have had something like this years ago when I was first dealing with my son and all the chaos he created. To be able share with others who truly know what it's like and to be here for new comers has been such a blessing for me.
    Last edited: May 16, 2015
  10. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    The "Tool Box" is one of my favorite findings on this site. I love the concept of it.
  11. Childofmine

    Childofmine one day at a time

    IWP I am so sorry for your fear and your pain and I am also just as sorry for the choices he is making in his life.

    We love them so much and they can hook us hard with their victimizing and their blame and their own sadness and fear.

    There is no harder stuff than this...to continue to set boundaries and not react and be calm and kind in the face of such awfulness...to say nothing as we bear witness to yet more bad choices.

    IWP there is no "ruined life". He can come back from it all when and if he chooses. It may not look like what we hoped for them at all but they can have a good life. My son has multiple misdemeanors and two felonies and has been in jail 8 or 9 times. He was on county probation and state probation and was facing four years in jail or prison with one. More. Bad. Move. That is what seems to have finally gotten his attention.

    The first time he went to jail I thought I would die. By the last time I was so glad he was there instead of homeless again.

    You can't fix this. You didn't cause it, you can't control it and you can't cure it. This is not on you and never was on you. We have to work to reject the guilt and shame of THEIR choices. We are not them and they are not us.

    Please work out of your toolbox every single day. That is the true path to peace. We are here for you. Lots of hugs for your hurting heart.
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