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feeling I am to blame
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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 645472" data-attributes="member: 1550"><p>Here goes my speel <img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite2" alt=";)" title="Wink ;)" loading="lazy" data-shortname=";)" /> And, trust me, I always dread following somebody as verbose and on-point as RE, but I'll try...hmmmmm...ok.</p><p></p><p>It is never just OUR fault when a child goes wrong. It is DNA first and foremost. Think of your family tree and that of the child's birthfather, even if the child never met the man. He imprinted 50% of his DNA on your child. And they are a part of one another physically. That matters and many adoptive parents, of which I am one, would say it matters as much or more than nurture. I am in a large adoptive parents group and many of those kids and their parents met bio. families and were shocked at how people their kids have never seen were more like the bio. family than the family they were raised in.</p><p></p><p>There are teachers who have our kids six hours a day.</p><p></p><p>There are day care workers if we work.</p><p></p><p>There are those all important peers who we can not compete with once they turn 12 or 13. They matter. They influence our children more than we do at a certain age. Yes, being popular or "cool" (which has a bad meaning to me) matters more to many teens that if they listen to Dad and Mom.</p><p></p><p>There is the extended family. Is the child close to a dysfunctional relative who bashes you? I was. My grandmother was the only relative I had who loved me, but she was really playing a mean game with my dysfunctional mother. By pampering my mothers' black sheep, she was getting back at my mother, whom was HER black sheep, and giving me a place to run if I wanted rescue. It didn't matter what I did and I was a difficult child. If I took the car when they told me not to and was in trouble, all I had to do was call Grandma and live there for a while. THIS IMPACTED ME. It took me years to figure out the game Grandma was playing and how much SHE impacted me too...at least as much as my mom and as for Dad, he was never home...</p><p></p><p>Siblings impact us. Abusive ones. Nice ones. Ones we envy. Ones who subtly put us down. Ones who introduce us to drugs. Ones who bash us to Dad and Mom.</p><p></p><p>Other things impact our kids: sickness (ours and theirs), their temperment, their resilience, if the child is brilliant or a good or bad athlete...all that impacts your child.</p><p></p><p>Divorce imapcts a child. Remarriage impacts a child. Stepsiblings impact a child. It's not always bad, but it can go either way. Changes influence our children, good, bad, and ugly.</p><p></p><p>Why do any of us think it's our horrible mistakes and personalities and things we did wrong? I actually never really did. I was more into the DNA part, but I didn't think about the other stuff until I started reading this great book (here I go abain) "When Parents Hurt" by Dr. Joshua Coleman.</p><p></p><p>Unless you beat your kid up, he was sexually abused and got no help for it and is doing it to others, was abandoned by you or was constantly verbally abused by you, you have nothing to feel guilty about. And if you did some things wrong, we all do and not all kids turn out to be difficult children. Those of us with both difficult children and PCs know this. Also, the past is the past. Many kids who WERE abused figure out a way to get past it, get help, live great lives. REad "A Child Called It" by Dave Pelzer, who was starved and almost killed by his mother and his father did nothing. He was in the service then spent his life trying to help other abused children. He did not go bad. He had every right to. He chose not to.</p><p></p><p>Please...be good to yourself. You did the best you could and probably better than some parents of only PCs did. It's just that their kids had different wiring. It doesn't help your grown child or you to blame yourself. It hurts YOU hard. If you feel it is your fault, get counseling of the best sort or, if drugs are involved, go to Al-Anon or do both. I feel really horrible when I read that parents, who are over-the-top wonderful and try to hard even now, blame themselves if one of their children make poor choices.</p><p></p><p>Say it all together now: IT IS NOT OUR FAULT <img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite2" alt=";)" title="Wink ;)" loading="lazy" data-shortname=";)" /> because it's not.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 645472, member: 1550"] Here goes my speel ;) And, trust me, I always dread following somebody as verbose and on-point as RE, but I'll try...hmmmmm...ok. It is never just OUR fault when a child goes wrong. It is DNA first and foremost. Think of your family tree and that of the child's birthfather, even if the child never met the man. He imprinted 50% of his DNA on your child. And they are a part of one another physically. That matters and many adoptive parents, of which I am one, would say it matters as much or more than nurture. I am in a large adoptive parents group and many of those kids and their parents met bio. families and were shocked at how people their kids have never seen were more like the bio. family than the family they were raised in. There are teachers who have our kids six hours a day. There are day care workers if we work. There are those all important peers who we can not compete with once they turn 12 or 13. They matter. They influence our children more than we do at a certain age. Yes, being popular or "cool" (which has a bad meaning to me) matters more to many teens that if they listen to Dad and Mom. There is the extended family. Is the child close to a dysfunctional relative who bashes you? I was. My grandmother was the only relative I had who loved me, but she was really playing a mean game with my dysfunctional mother. By pampering my mothers' black sheep, she was getting back at my mother, whom was HER black sheep, and giving me a place to run if I wanted rescue. It didn't matter what I did and I was a difficult child. If I took the car when they told me not to and was in trouble, all I had to do was call Grandma and live there for a while. THIS IMPACTED ME. It took me years to figure out the game Grandma was playing and how much SHE impacted me too...at least as much as my mom and as for Dad, he was never home... Siblings impact us. Abusive ones. Nice ones. Ones we envy. Ones who subtly put us down. Ones who introduce us to drugs. Ones who bash us to Dad and Mom. Other things impact our kids: sickness (ours and theirs), their temperment, their resilience, if the child is brilliant or a good or bad athlete...all that impacts your child. Divorce imapcts a child. Remarriage impacts a child. Stepsiblings impact a child. It's not always bad, but it can go either way. Changes influence our children, good, bad, and ugly. Why do any of us think it's our horrible mistakes and personalities and things we did wrong? I actually never really did. I was more into the DNA part, but I didn't think about the other stuff until I started reading this great book (here I go abain) "When Parents Hurt" by Dr. Joshua Coleman. Unless you beat your kid up, he was sexually abused and got no help for it and is doing it to others, was abandoned by you or was constantly verbally abused by you, you have nothing to feel guilty about. And if you did some things wrong, we all do and not all kids turn out to be difficult children. Those of us with both difficult children and PCs know this. Also, the past is the past. Many kids who WERE abused figure out a way to get past it, get help, live great lives. REad "A Child Called It" by Dave Pelzer, who was starved and almost killed by his mother and his father did nothing. He was in the service then spent his life trying to help other abused children. He did not go bad. He had every right to. He chose not to. Please...be good to yourself. You did the best you could and probably better than some parents of only PCs did. It's just that their kids had different wiring. It doesn't help your grown child or you to blame yourself. It hurts YOU hard. If you feel it is your fault, get counseling of the best sort or, if drugs are involved, go to Al-Anon or do both. I feel really horrible when I read that parents, who are over-the-top wonderful and try to hard even now, blame themselves if one of their children make poor choices. Say it all together now: IT IS NOT OUR FAULT ;) because it's not. [/QUOTE]
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