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Feeling like a terrible mother but....
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<blockquote data-quote="recoveringenabler" data-source="post: 654951" data-attributes="member: 13542"><p>You can only be true to yourself. You're doing that. Your response is an honest one, perhaps not what any of us would want, but it is what it is.</p><p></p><p>None of us can promise how the future will unfold, some of our grown kids find ways to blame us for their behavior and choices for decades, others move on and reconnect, still others fall somewhere in between. I can tell you that from my own experience, as I detached and put the focus on myself as I retrained my daughter to respect my boundaries and me, she did change. She changed in direct proportion to the degree that I demanded those changes. And there was a period of time where we were estranged......I think that would almost have to happen so both parties can take time to make the necessary shifts so that a new relationship can occur. It took me time to get over my anger and to begin to see my daughter in a new light and it took time for me to let go of taking all of her choices personally. There is a lot going on while you are detaching, it's like untying a huge, complex knot, pulling one string at a time and then finding the next string and the next.......until the whole thing is untied and you are both free of having lived within the confines of that tight knot.</p><p></p><p>You are not a terrible mother, you've been at this a long time, you've essentially been through a war and you likely have a form of PTSD, as most of us have after dealing with the level of intensity and drama our kids bring to our doorstep. You need time, time to rest and recuperate and time to keep those boundaries intact and time to make the necessary changes within yourself that dictate a strong internal core which can allow her struggles to NOT be your struggles. It's a tough road with a lot of mine fields ready to blow up at any time. And we all have walked through that mine field and have the scars to prove it. </p><p></p><p>It's likely your daughter will be arrested soon and will have to deal with her choices. That will be the time for you to recover. In the meantime, realize that your feeling like a terrible mother is a common response here........we're all doing the best we know how..... when we know better, we do better. That's all any of us can do.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="recoveringenabler, post: 654951, member: 13542"] You can only be true to yourself. You're doing that. Your response is an honest one, perhaps not what any of us would want, but it is what it is. None of us can promise how the future will unfold, some of our grown kids find ways to blame us for their behavior and choices for decades, others move on and reconnect, still others fall somewhere in between. I can tell you that from my own experience, as I detached and put the focus on myself as I retrained my daughter to respect my boundaries and me, she did change. She changed in direct proportion to the degree that I demanded those changes. And there was a period of time where we were estranged......I think that would almost have to happen so both parties can take time to make the necessary shifts so that a new relationship can occur. It took me time to get over my anger and to begin to see my daughter in a new light and it took time for me to let go of taking all of her choices personally. There is a lot going on while you are detaching, it's like untying a huge, complex knot, pulling one string at a time and then finding the next string and the next.......until the whole thing is untied and you are both free of having lived within the confines of that tight knot. You are not a terrible mother, you've been at this a long time, you've essentially been through a war and you likely have a form of PTSD, as most of us have after dealing with the level of intensity and drama our kids bring to our doorstep. You need time, time to rest and recuperate and time to keep those boundaries intact and time to make the necessary changes within yourself that dictate a strong internal core which can allow her struggles to NOT be your struggles. It's a tough road with a lot of mine fields ready to blow up at any time. And we all have walked through that mine field and have the scars to prove it. It's likely your daughter will be arrested soon and will have to deal with her choices. That will be the time for you to recover. In the meantime, realize that your feeling like a terrible mother is a common response here........we're all doing the best we know how..... when we know better, we do better. That's all any of us can do. [/QUOTE]
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