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Feeling like a terrible mother but....
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<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 655008" data-attributes="member: 17461"><p>No. It is best to be honest about how you feel. She knows she has disappointed you. She has disappointed herself, too.</p><p></p><p>You can both love her and be upset about the way you have been treated. She knows this already, and may be putting a happier face on things for your sake. (And for her own sake, in your eyes.) That you are angry does not mean you don't love her. If you didn't care about the relationship between the two of you, you would be done, and none of this would matter.</p><p></p><p>Your honesty with her now will be a sane place for her when the time of choice comes, again. She will trust you more fully if you can find the words to speak honestly to her, now.</p><p></p><p>Figure out your own feelings, first.</p><p></p><p>You are her mother and whether you think she is listening or not, what you say matters very much.</p><p></p><p>Of course she is happier that she has somewhere to live and some money than she would be if she did not have those things. But the truth is, she should be mending her fences and preparing for her future, not conducting her affairs by the seat of her pants and calling that good enough.</p><p></p><p>None of us knows how to do this "right". The only thing we can do is try really hard to advise our kids correctly about the things that matter. If you believe drug use is at the heart of this, stress the seriousness of her situation and offer treatment. Offer consolation for what has happened, for what she has lost since the drug use began. Tell her you know she is strong enough to turn this around, but that it is going to be hard for her. Tell her you are not going to sugar coat anything by pretending what is happening to her now is okay.</p><p></p><p>I think that is the source of your anger.</p><p></p><p>Are you feeling that you have to take the tone of the conversation from her, pretending to go along with her bright and happy when you know she is in danger?</p><p></p><p>Then that is what you have to figure out some way to tell her. Choose your words carefully. Remember the outcome we want here is a strong, unbroken child able to walk away from this thing that is getting its hooks into her.</p><p></p><p>Addiction is insidious.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>I think pretending what is happening isn't happening is at the heart of your anger. It helped me to remind myself that there is no villain, here. My child was in danger and I needed to stand up, but I kept ~ I didn't realize how deadly serious it was going to get.</p><p></p><p>It gets really serious, really fast. Not to scare you, but you need to fight for her now, while she can hear you, with everything you know. If I am remembering correctly, you recently learned for certain that drug use is happening.</p><p></p><p>From what you now know with certainty, you can understand very clearly why your child's behavior changed when it did change.</p><p></p><p>So that is the true thing you know.</p><p></p><p>Drug use is destroying her, and she has to stop. Whether she does or does not have somewhere to stay today is not an issue. I would be angry, too. It's like watching your child commit suicide and all she wants to talk about is the weather while she makes you watch her deepen the cut.</p><p></p><p>Whether she is using the drugs at someone else's house while she gets a few bucks to paint something is not going to make you feel better. You don't have to pretend with her that what she is doing is okay as long as she is not doing it at your house.</p><p></p><p>I think that is what is making you mad.</p><p></p><p>If your daughter explodes at you for drawing a line and refusing to budge, you will at least know you have told her the truth.</p><p></p><p>That is cold comfort.</p><p></p><p>But when we love someone who is self destructing, that is what we have to do, whether we like how that makes us feel or whether we wish things were different or not.</p><p></p><p>I feel badly for you. This is all so impossibly hard. Figuring out the correct response when there isn't one is hard, too. That is why telling the truth is best. Choose your words carefully, say what you know you mean to say, and take the leap.</p><p></p><p>There are no magic words that are going to make this stop. But the words you do say can give her an honest place from which to assess her position and make a different decision at some point.</p><p></p><p>My son was addicted.</p><p></p><p>He put it behind him so many times.</p><p></p><p>Then, one time, he didn't use again.</p><p></p><p>There is no simple solution.</p><p></p><p>No money without treatment or counseling or whatever you decide would most help her is a good line to draw in the sand. When we knew what it would have to look like before we did help, it was easier to say no.</p><p></p><p>It was still traumatic, saying no.</p><p></p><p>I am sorry this is happening.</p><p></p><p>Cedar</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar *, post: 655008, member: 17461"] No. It is best to be honest about how you feel. She knows she has disappointed you. She has disappointed herself, too. You can both love her and be upset about the way you have been treated. She knows this already, and may be putting a happier face on things for your sake. (And for her own sake, in your eyes.) That you are angry does not mean you don't love her. If you didn't care about the relationship between the two of you, you would be done, and none of this would matter. Your honesty with her now will be a sane place for her when the time of choice comes, again. She will trust you more fully if you can find the words to speak honestly to her, now. Figure out your own feelings, first. You are her mother and whether you think she is listening or not, what you say matters very much. Of course she is happier that she has somewhere to live and some money than she would be if she did not have those things. But the truth is, she should be mending her fences and preparing for her future, not conducting her affairs by the seat of her pants and calling that good enough. None of us knows how to do this "right". The only thing we can do is try really hard to advise our kids correctly about the things that matter. If you believe drug use is at the heart of this, stress the seriousness of her situation and offer treatment. Offer consolation for what has happened, for what she has lost since the drug use began. Tell her you know she is strong enough to turn this around, but that it is going to be hard for her. Tell her you are not going to sugar coat anything by pretending what is happening to her now is okay. I think that is the source of your anger. Are you feeling that you have to take the tone of the conversation from her, pretending to go along with her bright and happy when you know she is in danger? Then that is what you have to figure out some way to tell her. Choose your words carefully. Remember the outcome we want here is a strong, unbroken child able to walk away from this thing that is getting its hooks into her. Addiction is insidious. I think pretending what is happening isn't happening is at the heart of your anger. It helped me to remind myself that there is no villain, here. My child was in danger and I needed to stand up, but I kept ~ I didn't realize how deadly serious it was going to get. It gets really serious, really fast. Not to scare you, but you need to fight for her now, while she can hear you, with everything you know. If I am remembering correctly, you recently learned for certain that drug use is happening. From what you now know with certainty, you can understand very clearly why your child's behavior changed when it did change. So that is the true thing you know. Drug use is destroying her, and she has to stop. Whether she does or does not have somewhere to stay today is not an issue. I would be angry, too. It's like watching your child commit suicide and all she wants to talk about is the weather while she makes you watch her deepen the cut. Whether she is using the drugs at someone else's house while she gets a few bucks to paint something is not going to make you feel better. You don't have to pretend with her that what she is doing is okay as long as she is not doing it at your house. I think that is what is making you mad. If your daughter explodes at you for drawing a line and refusing to budge, you will at least know you have told her the truth. That is cold comfort. But when we love someone who is self destructing, that is what we have to do, whether we like how that makes us feel or whether we wish things were different or not. I feel badly for you. This is all so impossibly hard. Figuring out the correct response when there isn't one is hard, too. That is why telling the truth is best. Choose your words carefully, say what you know you mean to say, and take the leap. There are no magic words that are going to make this stop. But the words you do say can give her an honest place from which to assess her position and make a different decision at some point. My son was addicted. He put it behind him so many times. Then, one time, he didn't use again. There is no simple solution. No money without treatment or counseling or whatever you decide would most help her is a good line to draw in the sand. When we knew what it would have to look like before we did help, it was easier to say no. It was still traumatic, saying no. I am sorry this is happening. Cedar [/QUOTE]
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