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Feeling like I failed granddaughter - what to do?
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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 707268" data-attributes="member: 1550"><p>I am always flabbergasted by loving parents/grandparents who think doling out cripe loads of money is a good thig to do for even a college student or that its a real horror if tbe poor kid, who is badly abusing those parents, do not buy them cars. Even more surprised that they actually believe they should pay their adult kids debts when they steal, lie, and quit obligations. I also am quite sure bad drugs are pribably here and you are unknowingly paying for her and boyfriend to buy them. Susies post was spot on. I agree with petdonality fisorder also posdible.</p><p></p><p>Maybe because we have always been of very modest means, no extra money, it just stuns me. From where I sit I think a lot of the problems our sassy abusive kids have is they think its Christmas every day snd that, like a selfish three year old, they should get wads of money from their families on demand and abuse you if you dare say no. Then you feel guilty.</p><p>Why</p><p>??</p><p>Here is my story as a challenged financially mom. My kids, even difficult ones, worked part time in high school. They were not bought cars and had to pay for their part if the insurance and gas in order go drive our beater. They only got enough money for Walmart clothes and could save from work if they wanted to spend more, but they werent really picky about brands and were still pretty popular. One of my faughters was homecoming queen. My kids that went to college went to two year colleges and one paid her loan back. Our name wasnt on the loan. She bought a house (now this is an ex meth addict). All my kids, including an autistic son, work hard and live i independently and got their own cars. They all have excellent work ethics. They know they have to do it. We cant. They are prpud of themselves. We are proud.</p><p></p><p>Im very glad we couldnt and never felt handing them free money and housing and vacations and pedicures showed love. I know you meant well and love yoir kids to tje moon. We just had a different way of showing it. I always felt that warching them learn to grow up independetly was a greater gift. They are not bitter about not having had things handed to them, not evrn my oldest and still difficukt child. Financialy he does very well, has his house, car and makes a college grads income but he never went to college. College is not as important as drive.</p><p></p><p>So do I think you let granddaughter down by not paying for her lies and bad behavor? I think you let her down every time you give her money and no consequences. You owe her nothing. Its sad ypu even paid a nickle for the boyfriend. What would she have done if you hadnt? Been abusive? She already is. Why does a 19 year old have the power to ruin your life? Forget tbe guilt anf lies. You cant live fior her and she isnt learnibg how to make it on her own. Many must stumble to learn how to be an adult. She is young but she is living without concern for anypne else. She needs to grow up.</p><p></p><p>Its your time to take care of yourself. You parented already and you cant be young. Dont waste the rest of this life kowtowig to her selfish whims. In the end, that hurts both her and you.</p><p></p><p>I assume she us able bodied. Her and this boyfriend can work. My autistic son doesnt drive. He walks or rides his bike to his two jobs even in Wiscobsins winters. Our adult kids are not china dolls. Tbey can handle cold and get to work. Cars cost a lit of money that your granddaughter doesnt have. Why is that in your shoulders? She can save for an older car. Thays how my kids started out, many kids, not just mine.</p><p></p><p>I wish your kind heart well. Start to get excited about the rest of your life. Travel. Do new things. Explore. I am 63 and we are going to RV in a year.</p><p></p><p>Granddaughter has to choose her own oath, like we did. Take care. Ypu are so very kind...people walk over kind people and dont respect them. Sad but troubled kids give us blame, never credit.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 707268, member: 1550"] I am always flabbergasted by loving parents/grandparents who think doling out cripe loads of money is a good thig to do for even a college student or that its a real horror if tbe poor kid, who is badly abusing those parents, do not buy them cars. Even more surprised that they actually believe they should pay their adult kids debts when they steal, lie, and quit obligations. I also am quite sure bad drugs are pribably here and you are unknowingly paying for her and boyfriend to buy them. Susies post was spot on. I agree with petdonality fisorder also posdible. Maybe because we have always been of very modest means, no extra money, it just stuns me. From where I sit I think a lot of the problems our sassy abusive kids have is they think its Christmas every day snd that, like a selfish three year old, they should get wads of money from their families on demand and abuse you if you dare say no. Then you feel guilty. Why ?? Here is my story as a challenged financially mom. My kids, even difficult ones, worked part time in high school. They were not bought cars and had to pay for their part if the insurance and gas in order go drive our beater. They only got enough money for Walmart clothes and could save from work if they wanted to spend more, but they werent really picky about brands and were still pretty popular. One of my faughters was homecoming queen. My kids that went to college went to two year colleges and one paid her loan back. Our name wasnt on the loan. She bought a house (now this is an ex meth addict). All my kids, including an autistic son, work hard and live i independently and got their own cars. They all have excellent work ethics. They know they have to do it. We cant. They are prpud of themselves. We are proud. Im very glad we couldnt and never felt handing them free money and housing and vacations and pedicures showed love. I know you meant well and love yoir kids to tje moon. We just had a different way of showing it. I always felt that warching them learn to grow up independetly was a greater gift. They are not bitter about not having had things handed to them, not evrn my oldest and still difficukt child. Financialy he does very well, has his house, car and makes a college grads income but he never went to college. College is not as important as drive. So do I think you let granddaughter down by not paying for her lies and bad behavor? I think you let her down every time you give her money and no consequences. You owe her nothing. Its sad ypu even paid a nickle for the boyfriend. What would she have done if you hadnt? Been abusive? She already is. Why does a 19 year old have the power to ruin your life? Forget tbe guilt anf lies. You cant live fior her and she isnt learnibg how to make it on her own. Many must stumble to learn how to be an adult. She is young but she is living without concern for anypne else. She needs to grow up. Its your time to take care of yourself. You parented already and you cant be young. Dont waste the rest of this life kowtowig to her selfish whims. In the end, that hurts both her and you. I assume she us able bodied. Her and this boyfriend can work. My autistic son doesnt drive. He walks or rides his bike to his two jobs even in Wiscobsins winters. Our adult kids are not china dolls. Tbey can handle cold and get to work. Cars cost a lit of money that your granddaughter doesnt have. Why is that in your shoulders? She can save for an older car. Thays how my kids started out, many kids, not just mine. I wish your kind heart well. Start to get excited about the rest of your life. Travel. Do new things. Explore. I am 63 and we are going to RV in a year. Granddaughter has to choose her own oath, like we did. Take care. Ypu are so very kind...people walk over kind people and dont respect them. Sad but troubled kids give us blame, never credit. [/QUOTE]
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Feeling like I failed granddaughter - what to do?
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