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Feeling like I failed granddaughter - what to do?
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<blockquote data-quote="MollyB" data-source="post: 707272" data-attributes="member: 21367"><p>I asked the moderators to delete my original post -- I thought maybe I wrote something objectionable or violated privacy rules because my post hung for hours "awaiting moderation". I'm glad it was eventually posted so at least a few people could see it, before they acted on my request to delete it. </p><p></p><p>Thanks to all who sent helpful advice and good wishes. I know you're right. I gave her too much, expected too little of her, and caved in to her demands to make her happy, or to avoid her anger if she didn't get her way. I know first-hand how poverty feels, how hunger and hopelessness feels -- things I wouldn't wish on anyone -- and I suppose I was trying to shield her from that. I'm so sad she has made these choices and thrown away family love and opportunities for school, jobs, sports, etc -- looking back now, I see a long trail of these behaviors and a tendency to make self-destructive choices for herself, and then blaming others for her choices. It has always been someone or something else to blame, never her (in her mind). Things spiraled out of control quickly when the current boyfriend entered the picture, but it's not a new pattern for her and I can't really blame him for turning her against us. This was her choice, probably encouraged by the boyfriend but still her choice. She seems determined to learn things the hard way and somehow I must detach and let it happen. It breaks my heart to look down the path she is on, see the pain headed her way, and know that I can't save her. I read and re-read the Detachment post, as well as your responses, and it does make sense and helps to push the guilt and shame away, at least partially. I'll still pray that she comes to no harm and turns herself around. I know there are many more tears and sleepless nights ahead, self-blame, second-guessing whether I did the right thing, but hopefully that will fade with time and work. Thanks again and kind regards to all the hurting families.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="MollyB, post: 707272, member: 21367"] I asked the moderators to delete my original post -- I thought maybe I wrote something objectionable or violated privacy rules because my post hung for hours "awaiting moderation". I'm glad it was eventually posted so at least a few people could see it, before they acted on my request to delete it. Thanks to all who sent helpful advice and good wishes. I know you're right. I gave her too much, expected too little of her, and caved in to her demands to make her happy, or to avoid her anger if she didn't get her way. I know first-hand how poverty feels, how hunger and hopelessness feels -- things I wouldn't wish on anyone -- and I suppose I was trying to shield her from that. I'm so sad she has made these choices and thrown away family love and opportunities for school, jobs, sports, etc -- looking back now, I see a long trail of these behaviors and a tendency to make self-destructive choices for herself, and then blaming others for her choices. It has always been someone or something else to blame, never her (in her mind). Things spiraled out of control quickly when the current boyfriend entered the picture, but it's not a new pattern for her and I can't really blame him for turning her against us. This was her choice, probably encouraged by the boyfriend but still her choice. She seems determined to learn things the hard way and somehow I must detach and let it happen. It breaks my heart to look down the path she is on, see the pain headed her way, and know that I can't save her. I read and re-read the Detachment post, as well as your responses, and it does make sense and helps to push the guilt and shame away, at least partially. I'll still pray that she comes to no harm and turns herself around. I know there are many more tears and sleepless nights ahead, self-blame, second-guessing whether I did the right thing, but hopefully that will fade with time and work. Thanks again and kind regards to all the hurting families. [/QUOTE]
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