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Feeling Like I Failed
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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 707216" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>There is another thread right now called: sensory processing disorder learning materials</p><p></p><p>While it does not address your issue, you might do a search and turn up old threads that do.</p><p></p><p>I think you daughter must be experiencing a great deal of frustration that she does not have the coping mechanisms to handle. She is targeting you and your son.</p><p></p><p>You are personalizing what is happening, as your personal failure. You must understand: any mother would be experiencing what you do. Your response to 24 hour a day stress is normal for your situation, and your sense that living this way is normal too. Every.single.mother would feel the same.</p><p></p><p>I agree with your response to send her to a family member.</p><p></p><p>I am wondering what kind of support you can get: does she qualify for Regional Center (I am assuming you are in the USA)?</p><p></p><p>What kinds of support is she getting from school? I assume she has an IEP. I would call for an emergency IEP because the current educational plan is not working. Clearly if she is acting out like this she is under great stress. She needs the support of a different environment. There should be the possibility of non-public school or residential treatment, which will be paid for by the school district. Including transportation.</p><p></p><p>My son was in non-public school settings from approximate 6th grade. To one he was transported by taxi 45 minutes to an hour each way.</p><p>I was able to get a free attorney provided by a disability rights organization that went with me to the IEP's.</p><p></p><p>You might want to google "Disability Rights" for children in public school. I do not know where you live and what is available near you.</p><p></p><p>But school has the legally mandated responsibility to provide an adequate education. Clearly something is not working for her in school. School has to step up.</p><p></p><p>I would also look into respite for you. Support services for parents of children with disabilities. I would google just that. I would find as many forums as I can (there should be parents' groups for the specific disability.)</p><p></p><p>My son had behavioral issues from early childhood on; but largely they were at school until he was about 16, when our relationship began to be impacted. He is now 28 and we went through a long, hard time. Our relationship is improving. We are both working on it. There was a time not long ago when we could not bear being together for more than a half hour or so. The cops were always here. He'd call. I'd call. Now we are working things out together.</p><p></p><p>What you need to understand and accept is this: No other person. No other mother. Could be doing better than you.</p><p></p><p>Any other mother would be exhausted. Feel hopeless. Feel over her head. Get angry. Frustrated. And sad.</p><p></p><p>This is a very hard thing you are doing. A hard life you are living right now.</p><p></p><p>I hope you keep posting. It will help you, I believe. Even though we may not know what to say or what you should do. We will care. And each of us has suffered our own personalized version of what you are going through.</p><p></p><p>PS I forgot to mention the idea of a "behavioral analysis." There are psychologists that will go to school and come to your house to observe your daughter in these environments, and develop a plan of intervention, to help her modify her behavior. They will teach you and her teachers how to best support her, and to eliminate aggressive behavior and encourage proactive and constructive behaviors.</p><p></p><p>I would google this and find out how other parents have secured these services. I would go to her pediatrician and get referrals to as many specialists as I can. After reading about this intervention, if you are interested, I would make a plan as to how to get school to pay for it.</p><p></p><p>As I mentioned, my son is now 28. But when he was about 6 I remember we went to an occupational therapist who did such an evaluation. I cannot remember exactly why. But school paid for it. So that is another professional that could be helpful.</p><p></p><p>You must be thinking...how in the world can I get school onboard? I got tough. And I got assertive bordering on aggressive. They kind of hated me. (I am a very mild mannered and sweet sort of woman--I turned into an obnoxious and pushy person during those years.)</p><p></p><p>The last thing I want to say is this: if your other child, son, I think, is being targeted by your daughter, physically or emotionally, this will make the situation much more urgent, obviously, because your son's welfare may be at stake.</p><p></p><p>Your post does not make clear whether or not you are a single parent (I was.) You may have extended family to help you protect your son (if he is at risk from his sister's acting out.) If not, his vulnerability, too, needs to be proactively addressed. As a last resort I might think about contacting myself, child welfare (but I would first contact an attorney to be sure I knew what the consequences might be.) You might want to ask the organization Disability Rights about legal issues both for advocacy for services, and to protect both children and yourself.</p><p></p><p>Take care. I am sorry you find yourself in this difficult situation but glad you are here.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 707216, member: 18958"] There is another thread right now called: sensory processing disorder learning materials While it does not address your issue, you might do a search and turn up old threads that do. I think you daughter must be experiencing a great deal of frustration that she does not have the coping mechanisms to handle. She is targeting you and your son. You are personalizing what is happening, as your personal failure. You must understand: any mother would be experiencing what you do. Your response to 24 hour a day stress is normal for your situation, and your sense that living this way is normal too. Every.single.mother would feel the same. I agree with your response to send her to a family member. I am wondering what kind of support you can get: does she qualify for Regional Center (I am assuming you are in the USA)? What kinds of support is she getting from school? I assume she has an IEP. I would call for an emergency IEP because the current educational plan is not working. Clearly if she is acting out like this she is under great stress. She needs the support of a different environment. There should be the possibility of non-public school or residential treatment, which will be paid for by the school district. Including transportation. My son was in non-public school settings from approximate 6th grade. To one he was transported by taxi 45 minutes to an hour each way. I was able to get a free attorney provided by a disability rights organization that went with me to the IEP's. You might want to google "Disability Rights" for children in public school. I do not know where you live and what is available near you. But school has the legally mandated responsibility to provide an adequate education. Clearly something is not working for her in school. School has to step up. I would also look into respite for you. Support services for parents of children with disabilities. I would google just that. I would find as many forums as I can (there should be parents' groups for the specific disability.) My son had behavioral issues from early childhood on; but largely they were at school until he was about 16, when our relationship began to be impacted. He is now 28 and we went through a long, hard time. Our relationship is improving. We are both working on it. There was a time not long ago when we could not bear being together for more than a half hour or so. The cops were always here. He'd call. I'd call. Now we are working things out together. What you need to understand and accept is this: No other person. No other mother. Could be doing better than you. Any other mother would be exhausted. Feel hopeless. Feel over her head. Get angry. Frustrated. And sad. This is a very hard thing you are doing. A hard life you are living right now. I hope you keep posting. It will help you, I believe. Even though we may not know what to say or what you should do. We will care. And each of us has suffered our own personalized version of what you are going through. PS I forgot to mention the idea of a "behavioral analysis." There are psychologists that will go to school and come to your house to observe your daughter in these environments, and develop a plan of intervention, to help her modify her behavior. They will teach you and her teachers how to best support her, and to eliminate aggressive behavior and encourage proactive and constructive behaviors. I would google this and find out how other parents have secured these services. I would go to her pediatrician and get referrals to as many specialists as I can. After reading about this intervention, if you are interested, I would make a plan as to how to get school to pay for it. As I mentioned, my son is now 28. But when he was about 6 I remember we went to an occupational therapist who did such an evaluation. I cannot remember exactly why. But school paid for it. So that is another professional that could be helpful. You must be thinking...how in the world can I get school onboard? I got tough. And I got assertive bordering on aggressive. They kind of hated me. (I am a very mild mannered and sweet sort of woman--I turned into an obnoxious and pushy person during those years.) The last thing I want to say is this: if your other child, son, I think, is being targeted by your daughter, physically or emotionally, this will make the situation much more urgent, obviously, because your son's welfare may be at stake. Your post does not make clear whether or not you are a single parent (I was.) You may have extended family to help you protect your son (if he is at risk from his sister's acting out.) If not, his vulnerability, too, needs to be proactively addressed. As a last resort I might think about contacting myself, child welfare (but I would first contact an attorney to be sure I knew what the consequences might be.) You might want to ask the organization Disability Rights about legal issues both for advocacy for services, and to protect both children and yourself. Take care. I am sorry you find yourself in this difficult situation but glad you are here. [/QUOTE]
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