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Feeling like most disloyal mom ever
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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 678880" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>Suzir, Ache and his girlfriend are both young. The likelihood of this relationship being a permanent one, is small, by definition. The girlfriend seems very ambitious. Ache may appeal to her because of his limitations not in spite of them. She may not want anybody serious right now, because she puts first creating her own life story as an independent woman.</p><p></p><p>There is no man alive that I have met (I am old now, maybe it has changed) that will allow a woman to determine the map of their lives. (Like a woman would allow with a man.) She may not want to settle down for a long time.</p><p></p><p>You said what you needed to, to feel integrity with yourself. It was a good thing to say for both of you. You have given her permission not so much to cut him loose, but to know she could and decide she does not want to, which is very liberating. That kind of permission to oneself, is sometimes what allows somebody to stay.</p><p></p><p>She will not reach her goals I think for a long time. She sounds that ambitious and with great potential. There is room for both of them to change.</p><p>Which is part of his appeal, a great part of it I think. I think she knows what she needs and wants. Independent of anybody saying anything. You know, A dad, I agree with you, on the basis of my own experience.</p><p></p><p>First, I was ambitious. I never did marry.</p><p></p><p>When I was already in late middle age I met a man who married young and had 9 children with his wife!!! At the time I met him he had been separated for 6 years, without any contact with his family, who were in his home country. He was about 54. I was slightly older.</p><p></p><p>I believe *as does his family, and he, that I was his first real love. Why? I am not sure.</p><p></p><p>Sometimes I think there was nothing special about me, that made him love me. He loved me because life had broken him. And he needed to love as never before. I was the lucky recipient.</p><p></p><p>So many things have changed for both of us in this relationship, so late in life. He stopped drinking alcohol, he has moderated his temper, his arrogance. He is grown in humility, trust and tolerance of intimacy. From a patriarchal culture, he humbles himself to his adult children, in a good way. He turns the cheek. He calls his daughter every night whether she answers or not. His self-esteem now seems to be tied to his care of others, not for what he achieves. I respect him.</p><p></p><p>I did not change him. But I let him know what I would not accept.</p><p></p><p>Who understands love? And why one love works and another does not. And how one love grows and with it the lovers, while another dies, or confines them.</p><p>Looking back, I have a whole different idea of what it is to love somebody, and what it is somebody has to show me, for me to love them, than I could ever have imagined.</p><p></p><p>There are many people who do not require their equal or better in achievement or in assets. They want a good and moral person, who loves them, and who responds to their love. That simple. I never knew it, but that is what I waited for. I never knew that was what I needed.</p><p></p><p>Maybe there will be time for both of these young people to respond to each other's love, not to compare assets and potential, like a business deal. Maybe the struggles that Ache may face will bring them closer. Maybe this young woman has facets that respond in her.</p><p></p><p>Maybe Ache will have a richer life with a woman than he would have had before these struggles. Maybe he will grow in ways that are unanticipated. Nobody knows.</p><p></p><p>If the girlfriend is seeking a high power and high status person, Ache's trajectory in life, how it might not be what could have been, may not suit her. If she is seeking to love and to be loved by a good man, maybe their love will endure.</p><p></p><p>If she is very, very ambitious she may decide that her career, her achievements are the important thing, and she does not need a mate who exactly mirrors her. Nobody knows. Their stories, hers, his, and theirs together, is yet to be written. You said the exactly right thing. You were real. It does not mean you were right.</p><p></p><p>COPA</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 678880, member: 18958"] Suzir, Ache and his girlfriend are both young. The likelihood of this relationship being a permanent one, is small, by definition. The girlfriend seems very ambitious. Ache may appeal to her because of his limitations not in spite of them. She may not want anybody serious right now, because she puts first creating her own life story as an independent woman. There is no man alive that I have met (I am old now, maybe it has changed) that will allow a woman to determine the map of their lives. (Like a woman would allow with a man.) She may not want to settle down for a long time. You said what you needed to, to feel integrity with yourself. It was a good thing to say for both of you. You have given her permission not so much to cut him loose, but to know she could and decide she does not want to, which is very liberating. That kind of permission to oneself, is sometimes what allows somebody to stay. She will not reach her goals I think for a long time. She sounds that ambitious and with great potential. There is room for both of them to change. Which is part of his appeal, a great part of it I think. I think she knows what she needs and wants. Independent of anybody saying anything. You know, A dad, I agree with you, on the basis of my own experience. First, I was ambitious. I never did marry. When I was already in late middle age I met a man who married young and had 9 children with his wife!!! At the time I met him he had been separated for 6 years, without any contact with his family, who were in his home country. He was about 54. I was slightly older. I believe *as does his family, and he, that I was his first real love. Why? I am not sure. Sometimes I think there was nothing special about me, that made him love me. He loved me because life had broken him. And he needed to love as never before. I was the lucky recipient. So many things have changed for both of us in this relationship, so late in life. He stopped drinking alcohol, he has moderated his temper, his arrogance. He is grown in humility, trust and tolerance of intimacy. From a patriarchal culture, he humbles himself to his adult children, in a good way. He turns the cheek. He calls his daughter every night whether she answers or not. His self-esteem now seems to be tied to his care of others, not for what he achieves. I respect him. I did not change him. But I let him know what I would not accept. Who understands love? And why one love works and another does not. And how one love grows and with it the lovers, while another dies, or confines them. Looking back, I have a whole different idea of what it is to love somebody, and what it is somebody has to show me, for me to love them, than I could ever have imagined. There are many people who do not require their equal or better in achievement or in assets. They want a good and moral person, who loves them, and who responds to their love. That simple. I never knew it, but that is what I waited for. I never knew that was what I needed. Maybe there will be time for both of these young people to respond to each other's love, not to compare assets and potential, like a business deal. Maybe the struggles that Ache may face will bring them closer. Maybe this young woman has facets that respond in her. Maybe Ache will have a richer life with a woman than he would have had before these struggles. Maybe he will grow in ways that are unanticipated. Nobody knows. If the girlfriend is seeking a high power and high status person, Ache's trajectory in life, how it might not be what could have been, may not suit her. If she is seeking to love and to be loved by a good man, maybe their love will endure. If she is very, very ambitious she may decide that her career, her achievements are the important thing, and she does not need a mate who exactly mirrors her. Nobody knows. Their stories, hers, his, and theirs together, is yet to be written. You said the exactly right thing. You were real. It does not mean you were right. COPA [/QUOTE]
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