Feeling literally sick over grandson

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by MidwestMom, Jul 13, 2013.

  1. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I don't speak to 35 as much as I did, but today I tried now I'm exhausted, emotionally, physically, and I actually feel sick to my stomach. He sure is a piece of work. It all started because he wanted me to go on this dating site for him and pretend to be him.

    Me: No, I'm not doing that.

    Him: Come on! I don't have Son this weekend and I don't have any plans and you can do the dating site and get me some replies.

    Me: Why can't you? You just said you have nothing to do.

    (Get out the violins)

    Him: I work all week and I'm so emotionally tired from work and then the custody battle. YOU can do it. YOU don't have anything to do.


    Ok, so I don't work for $$$ anymore. I have sort of retired. I don't know if it's perm or not but right now I am an d I'm having a blast, but I'm hardly sitting on my butt all day. I have tons of activities and feel like I don't have a moment to myself. I volunteer at two places and work my tail off. On top of that I write, I have drama, I go to therapy group and therapy, I go to Al-Anon (because of him) and I have been working out BIG TIME. Usually I am not home that much. And I try hard to help people. That's a big part of what I do. And I have tried hard to help HIM, but it's a waste of time. Back to the play.

    Him: If you aren't going to be in my corner and always be positive and help me 100%, you are useless. Thanks for nothing. (Swear words thrown in there)

    Me: If you don't stop disrespecting me, I'm not talking to you.

    I was about to hang up but he did first.

    I texted him a long heartfelt e-mail about how I demanded better treatment and how I want to be in his life, but won't put up with that sort of talk. If he wants to be respectful he can call me Monday. He is off my phone, per me, for two days now.

    He typed back, "You're terrific (sarcasm). Son will appreciate your help.

    I typed: "I don't even know my Grandson. You kept him from me along with your wife. If I want a grandson who I can actually interact with, Hub and I will do foster care.You kept him away from us and then took off to Missouri where we'll never be able to see him more than once every three years and you refuse to bring him to Wisconsin (on and on and on).

    It was the first time I reamed him a new one about how he had spent TEN YEARS with his ex allowing her to abuse us, ignoring us, and then after Grandson was born making sure that HER side of the family knew Grandson while totally ignoring the rest of us. The few times I've tried to bring it up on the phone, he says (loudly) "I don't want to talk about the past!!!! IT'S OVER!"

    It's not over for me. He's so shallow. I have a beautiful and very sweet from our phone talks little grandson who wouldn't recognize me if I stood in front of him. Even now my son doesn't do anything to keep us in touch. He doesn't have a webcam and doesn't like to Skype. I don't know the things that Grandson likes to do. I don't know how it feels to hug him. It makes me unbearably sad when I think about it. And it was not just his ex's fault. It was his too.

    Yes, Hub and I will probably do foster care because I long for a little one to love and care for and it can't be Grandson. Since I've adopted so many times, I know I could love a child not born to our DNA pool as much as one who is. I'm sure Son is livid that we are thinking of doing it. Today was the first time I told him about it...and why.

    I am constantly amazed at difficult child's though process. It is so abnormal. My Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD) son does not think as abnormally as 35. What a selfish person he is! I doubt he'd ever had started calling me if his wifey hadn't left him. He doesn't care about anyone but himself. I also managed to write that this is why his siblings don't like him because he is always so puzzled about that. Well, last week was Julie's birthday and I told him about it, but he didn't even pause or act like he heard me. On Jumper's birthday, same thing. I told him to maybe text her Happy Birthday. I don't even think he heard me. He didn't do it.

    I hate to say this, but I am very disappointed in this child of mine. I can not think of many good traits of his, other than he is bright and logical. He is truly one of the most selfish people on earth and it isn't drug related. Yes, he does drink and take his "prescribed" Xanax, but he was like this forever and he NEVER expresses an ounce of remorse for anything he has done to anyone in the family.

    It feels good that I finally told him off, but his answers to my texts were disheartening and only showed me how selfish he is. He blamed ME for everything I said. Twisted all of it. Or else he blamed me for bringing up stuff from the past that has been eating me alive.

    At times our relationship gets a little better and, after a blow up like this, he will attempt to be more respectful. It never lasts.

    This all started because I didn't want to pretend I was him and search for potential girlfriends for him on Plenty of Fish (meat market dating site).

    It's really comical, so why am I crying? Mostly over the grandson I will never know.
  2. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip

    MWM, i cannot imagine the pain of not being near your grandchild. Not knowing them. It will be a while before i have any, but i did get to know my grandparents - and am very blessed that i did.

    Crying about it is understandable and not a bad thing. You are eight about 35 being selfish and the situation with the dating site comical. But all i could think of is... Why the heck would he want someone YOU connected with? Weird.
  3. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    He just wants responses. He doesn't care about connections. His dating sites don't require much thought to get a response. And he was too lazy tonight to do it himself. I'm so done with this.

    I really love him, but his mental age is very, very young.
  4. Dixies_fire

    Dixies_fire Member

    Ugh some folks need to be high fived...to the face.... with a skillet. Joking sort of.

    It always astounds me when people don't make an effort with their children to know their parents.

    I want my kids to have as many people love them as possible as many contacts in this world who might be able to help when I can't as possible even if it is just to teach a life lesson since children never believe we might be speaking from the heart about things we are knowledgable about.

    I'm sorry you are going through the ringer with this kid of yours, sans kid he sounds like my brother, we aren't useful until he is lonely but for years and years you might get a phone call a year.
  5. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Well, he's 35. By that time, you can burn a lot of bridges if you aren't nice to them. I am t he last man standing for my son. He had a lot of contacts and slowly antagonized them out of existence. We can try to build a support system for our younger kids, but after they aren't young and cute anymore, it's up to them to maintain those contacts or they will lose them and end up alone. This certainly is what happened to my son. He treated his closest friends (and some were very loyal) like garbage. Ditto to his family members. My son isn't just neglectful. He can be VERY mean, which chases people away forever. And has. His sibs have written him off.

    Nobody but Mom will always be there and even Mom demands to be treated with respect. Even a slow learner like me.
  6. Tiredof33

    Tiredof33 Active Member

    My difficult child just turned 35 this week. My situation is pretty much the same, everyone else has gotten tired of his behavior. He is in a relationship with someone just as bad as he is if not worse.

    He went no contact with me after I realized the conn I had fallen for about 4 months was a lie. He threatened to commit suicide or steal for money when I finally said no more and meant it.

    I am amazed at the selfish behavior, and how extremely immature mine can be. Enjoy your life, you deserve it, he is an adult. I am afraid mine will be like this forever so I have learned to detach, and like you, I stay busy. I constantly scratch my head trying to figure out what happened to my difficult child. Drugs and alcohol abuse, maybe mixed with some mental issues, and a lot of self centered behavior have turned him in to someone I don't care to be around. I forgave my difficult child for all of the things he did as a teen and young adult, when he tried it again to get money, there is no way in the world I will go through that again.

    Wishing you peace and happiness.
  7. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Mine has been this way forever. He won't change.
  8. Dixies_fire

    Dixies_fire Member

    Mwm oh hon I wasn't talking about the way you raised 35 more the way he raises grandson and being distant from you. My mom is across the country she bonded close to tk because we lived close and she lived with me for awhile prior to getting disability. But boyo was born when we were far away and so was mr Lewis . As I've posted before mom is a difficult child but she is good with her grand kids and I don't take them from her, I encourage phone calls and send pictures and try to keep her updated and even do as much of that as I can with my ex's mom. It's not traditional togetherness but they both love their grand kids and I try to include them in their life and make sure my kids know who they are.

    Having a grown son must be hard even if they aren't difficult child. Seems like they live at one extreme or the other a momma's boy or rare contact.
  9. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    He does not care about your why's and explaining them just adds gas to his fire.
  10. scent of cedar

    scent of cedar New Member

    What an awful interaction, Midwest Mom. I would cry, too. The thought that he would ask you to pretend to be him is bad enough ~ but that he would ask you to do that on a site called "Plenty of Fish" is stunningly inappropriate.

    I don't find any of it comical, Midwest. You have been deeply wounded by someone who only has access to you because you love him ~ which means you are vulnerable to him. You need to be better protected when you talk to this person. Write down the hurtful things so you can counter them. You don't want that toxicity contaminating your thoughts unopposed.

    Do you need to go through difficult child to see or contact your grandson? Have you explored other options, such as Grandparents' Rights groups? Even if you cannot see him, if you buy him little things and save them for him, if you send cards (and money) for birthdays and holidays...grandson will know, and will be curious about, you. You will know he is out there somewhere, growing healthy and strong.

    Fostering a child who needs your love is a beautiful idea. :O)

    Have you read the Patricia Evans books, Midwest? She writes about the nature of the verbally abusive relationship ~ and there IS another kind of relationship playing along underneath, when one partner abuses the other.

    Is it possible to keep to a more scripted interaction with this son?

    The McCoy link at the bottoms of my postings explores different options for how to interact with our troubled adult children.