Feeling Lost and Alone

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Kim Fournier, Dec 26, 2015.

  1. kimberlyF

    kimberlyF New Member

    My first post. So many sad stories here, maybe I'll feel some relief if I share our story. My daughter, 23 now, started taking a friend's Adderal during her freshman year at college. At some point it progressed to cocaine and we still didn't know. When she left school before her senior year she moved home and thing began disappearing around the house. We were stupid and gullible and believed her when she swore she wasn't doing anything. Cash started disappearing and credit cards. It all imploded after that. She was arrested, charged with 3 felonies. She' on an 18 mo deferred disposition. She has a court date Jan 5th, they may revoke her bail because she relapsed and I don't know what to do. She lies as easily as breathing. She has stolen from her disabled brother. I don't think she cares. I see no remorse, no shame. I don' know who she is anymore. She stopped counseling (she was lying to him anyway). She seems proud that she has people fooled. I try to talk to her, ask her how she can steal from family. She shrugs her shoulders. She won't try to get better. Her father and I don't know what to do. Her 2 brothers want nothing to do with her understandably. I can't seem to distance myself from my only daughter. I cry every day and feel hopeless. I'm so sorry so many others here have similar stories. I don't know how to get through this.
  2. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Hi and so sorry about your daughter.

    Your daughter is at a stage where her caring side has been kidnapped by her drug(s) of choice. My daughter started with pot, but quickly moved on to ADHD drugs, mainly Adderrall. It has a high street value and they put them in pillcrushers and snort them alone or with other drugs. My own personal opinion, and I could be wrong, is that Adderrall is dangerous as are all stimulants. I would no longer give a young child a stimulant for ADHD no matter what, but that doesn't mean this is the right thing to do. With my experience, I could not. My daughter ended up using meth. Any kind of speed.

    When our adult kids are on drugs they lie as the drugs are all important to them. They steal. They do anything to get their drugs and stealing is almost mandatory since few work. They hang with bad people because people on the right road don't want to hang with drug users. But...

    You can't help your daughter or make her stop. I couldn't either. It is only within our power to change ourselves, not anyone else, and the way WE react to our adult children who steal from us, use drugs in our home, abuse us verbally and refuse to get help. That is what we have control over. Often it means setting an ultimatum such as rehab or you are out. You have to decide what path is best for your family. If this were me, the daughter would get no more money from me nor anything else in the way of toys...not until she stops. A car would be out of the question...she could kill somebody w hile high. My daughter had three serious car accidents. One was so bad that she owed a woman money years after she quit using drugs and, because of good behavior for so long, my ex husband (her dad) finallly paid the last of the thousands she owed. We did not want to contribute to her death or someone else's so after first accident, we took the keys. She DID find idiot friends who let her drive and those were her other two accidents. After she quit, she did not try to drive again a nd did not have a car nor did she live with us. She worked for the little money she had and things kept going up for her and twelve years later she is good. There is hope, but I don't feel it works if we help them while they are so irresponsible and using.

    I am sorry you are sad during these holidays and give you a cyber-hug, and hope for a change in your daughter's value system. In the meantime, don't dwell on her all the time. It won't help her and it may literally kill you or make you very ill. Focus on your own well being and those of your loved ones who are functional and fun...it is imperative that we continue to not put our lives on hold due to our adult children who refuse to quit using drugs. If you have other kids (I think you said you did) focus on them a nd your husband, if there is one, and friends and co-workers. You need to be healthy and sane. YOU matter too, as much as your daughter does. We ALL matter.

    Others will come along, maybe with better advice. Stick with us. We care. I recommend Al-Anon or a private therapist for you to get face time help from. I used both.
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  3. kimberlyF

    kimberlyF New Member

    Thank you so much for your kind and helpful reply.
  4. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    Hi Kimberly,

    Welcome. I am so sorry you find yourself in this nightmare. The first thing is to face it. It is what it is.

    It does not have to be your nightmare. It is your daughter's choices that have created it. And only she can undue it. Can reverse it. Change. She can.'

    First I think is to protect yourself, your home, your other children, your family from her. She is choosing to act against her own family. Actually, preying among them.

    As I see it, she must leave. The home is where you are protected. Safe. Insulated. As long as she is there she is subverting all of that.

    What can you do, if she is acting in such a way that her bail will be revoked? This is between her and Society now. A mother has nothing to do with it.

    She will have to accept the consequences of her choices, her behaviors.

    If it were me, knowing what I do, now, I would insist she leave. How can she stay, after she has stolen from everybody? Research available drug treatment options, and give these to her. Is she still covered under your insurance?

    You may need support to do this. Al-Anon and therapy would be options. Your county may have, under the Department of Mental Health, a drug and alcohol office. They might offer you assistance.

    The only thing beyond giving her the choice to enter treatment or to leave, is the thing that is most important. You. Your security. Your peace of mind. That of your family. Your daughter is old enough to be responsible for herself. She has already taken those steps. It is to recognize it.

    She has chosen to leave college. It was a choice. She can make other choices. Better ones. But only once the reality of things is acted upon and acknowledged.

    Your situation is not hopeless. But as long as you shelter her, you will be tied to her and suffer the consequences of her choices which now are governed by her addiction. You will always love her but your love for her will change nothing. Not now.

    I think you have to find a way in yourself to love her...accepting that she is a drug addict. And that to decide for yourself and your family, you cannot have a drug addict who is acting feloniously, live in your home and continue to prey.

    She can change. But you cannot change her. No matter how much you love her. No matter what were her gifts. No matter what were your dreams for her.

    Only she can change herself.

    I do not want to hurt you. I am wondering if I am being harsh. What is it that you would like to hear? What would be the thing that would give you peace?

    I am so sorry. I wish it were difference. I hope you keep posting. Others will come soon. You will find your way. I know you will.

    I believe your daughter will too. She must.

    Last edited: Dec 26, 2015
  5. SeaGenieTx

    SeaGenieTx Active Member

    SomeWhereOutThere - well said!

    kimberlyF, it's heartbreaking I know. My son is the same age as your daughter, same scenario except I have already kicked my son out of my home. Drugs, failure to launch, being 23 and doing nothing but partying, refusing to work or go to school.... and a total lack of respect towards me and my rules in my home, out he went.

    He is my only child and I am alone with no family so it's been extremely difficult for me but the best thing I have done (and it has NOT been easy) is to detach and focus on myself. I live in peace with him out of my house (he was doing drugs, bringing drug paraphernalia in my home, bringing friends over while I was at work to get high and do drugs, he got verbally abusive and called me names) - I kicked him to planet Mars.

    Weeks have gone by and I have heard nothing but I can "stalk" him on Facebook as he calls it and see he is ok (alive and not in jail). I detached and just yesterday on Xmas day he sent me a text "Merry Christmas, love you". Totally unexpected considering his last words to me were "F*** you, you're delusional and crazy!". I will never, ever forget him saying that to me - ever.

    Staying detached is hard. I love my son more than life but I will NEVER tolerate anyone talking to me like that, doing anything illegal in MY home and disrespecting me and calling me vulgar names and taking advantage of me. I cut my son completely out of my life and he will stay out of my life as long as he keeps acting like an idiot, doing illegal substances and talking to me like a thug.

    Everyone says it's not our children but the drugs that make them such horrible demonic aliens. I saw sides of my son that truly were evil and it scared the living daylights out of me. I will never risk my safety like that again. The further he stays away the better.

    Unless he quits drugs, gets his life on track and treats me with respect, I'm totally detached and want nothing to do with him. I love him but he is on his own, time to grow up and act like a man instead of a punk ass thug.

    Tough love is harder on us than it is on them but you gotta do it. When you enable you just keep giving your kid more ammo to destroy themselves. I stopped enabling and released the damn kracken - my son knows I'm madder than hell this time and I'm done until he gets a life and becomes a responsible, respectable man. Right now he's got the intelligence of a shovel.
  6. Seeking Peace

    Seeking Peace Member

    Hi Kimberly,

    I am always so amazed at the number of new people who post. How prevalent this thread seems to be in our society.

    I think the lying and stealing are drug provoked too BUT that certainly doesn't excuse it. I know for myself, I've used my daughter's mental illness as an excuse for her choices and actions. What I really was doing was merely enabling her to continue. Excusing her from getting help.

    My point is everyone, no matter what the problem, has a choice to seek help. Don't allow yourself to feel like you're failing her or think less of all you've done already. The hard reality IS that you cannot fix this. You can not love her better. You can love her, you can offer emotional support, but you cannot do it for her. If we could, this forum wouldn't exist.

    I know it's hard. I know your heart is breaking. I know the heavy grief you must feel. Believe me, we all do. This is a safe place for you. A place to read what others have posted. To seek input if you want. Just to have a place to allow your sorrow a rest.

    I do believe it'll get better for your daughter, but it may not be as soon as you'd like. She has to own her choices first. You have to allow her to face the consequences of her choices. Sometimes we are helping them in the long run when we stop trying to rescue them. Tell your daughter you love her, and you fully believe in her ability to make the right choices from here. Sadly, jail may not be a bad thing in this case...or court ordered drug program. Either way, these are consequences for her choices.

    Reality is stealing and lying from others is never okay. Don't excuse that because of drugs. Don't allow your daughter to respect you less by looking past it. Let her know that is unacceptable and will not be tolerated. That she is an adult who knows right from wrong. Those choices are her's to make, but the consequence will be she'll have to live elsewhere if she continues it. But be sure you mean it and follow through. Otherwise she'll respect what you say and feel even less. Being your child doesn't mean she can do that to you. Being her mom does not mean you have to tolerate it more either.

    You are not any less of a mom for choosing to detach. In that sense, I mean enabling. Bailing out. Trying to fix.

    We are here if you need a soft place to land. We all get it. ((Hugs))
  7. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    Hi kimberly, so sorry about your heartache, I know the sting of it, have been exactly where you are at, many times. Welcome to the forum, although I am sorry for your need to be here. It is a good place to be, for folks like us, there are many here who have been in similar dire straights with our adult children.
    This same thing happened to us and our home.
    Don't be so hard on yourself, no, not stupid and gullible, rather, you believed your daughter, because you did not teach her these things, and you, probably like me, would not even consider doing such things to your parents. Maybe you were the same as me, too, at first, I thought I was misplacing things. Then it just keeps continuing, and we put two and two together.
    I understand your fear and frustration. At this stage, I would be glad to see my daughter in jail.I never thought I would be writing something like this, but it seems it would be some kind of turning point......This is a consequence of your girls choices, so there is nothing you can do.
    I believe that drugs, replace conscience. Drugs become the master, and it does not matter to addicts, how they get money for their next high.
    Family becomes the perfect target, because we will try anything to "help" our children. The problem is, at this time, they do not want help. They want to keep on doing what they are doing. I do not think they see what they become capable of, they are blinded by their need to get high.
    I remember feeling this desperation, with my two girls. We did not know what to do. It is because there really is nothing we can do to have control over the situation. It has to come from our adult children. They usually do not see the need to change, especially living under our roof. Many here will tell you this. Not to sound harsh, it is true.If your daughter wants to continue this lifestyle, she will. She is the captain of her ship. Her ship is sailing right into a storm, she does not care to see this. You see it, but you have no control over this voyage she is on.
    You do not have to go down with her ship, you are the captain of your own.
    Her brothers are smart. Just like my well children, they saw what was happening and detached. It was too much misery and betrayal of the family. My kids said "As long as my sisters keep choosing drugs, we do not want to have anything to do with them."
    kimberly, we have all felt this way, at this juncture. We realize our d cs are on a destructive path, and we do not want to see them on this road. We do everything in our power, to try to stop it, but we have no say in the matter. The longer we hold on, the more we become entangled with their choices, we are on a parallel path with them, filled with emotion and fear and that is where the feelings of hopelessness come on strong.

    You know what? There is always hope, none of us here have lost hope, or given up on our d cs.
    Most of us have given in to the reality, that our d cs are on their own path, making these choices, and it is unacceptable, for this to be happening in our homes. It is unacceptable, for us to go into a downward spiral, over the choices and consequences of our d cs.
    So, we lovingly detach. There is a good article on the PE forum
    This helps me to stand firm, I read it over, and over.
    You will get through this, my dear. It is hard, but, you have value, and much to live for.
    You have already taken a big step, by being here and sharing your story. Keep posting, and venting, it really helps. Read other folks threads, and reply if you feel up to it. It helps to know that we are not alone. You have already received some very good advice. That is what is so good about being here, learning from others who have been in similar situations. The ultimate decision is yours, there is no right or wrong.
    The good folks here care, because we have been where you are. You are not alone.

    If you believe in a higher power, pray, read, read and read. Find a group, al-anon or nar-anon. Seek a therapist if you need to, I did, to help get my head on straight again. I was so turned upside down with all of this.

    Do take care, and take time to breathe. You will be okay.
    Your daughter needs to figure her life out.
    All of our children do, easy, or difficult.
    The best we can do, is take a step back, and let them try their wings.

    Peace be to you and yours
  8. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    And you. You matter here, too. And your family. And your other kids.

    You matter.

    Allowing our children to abuse us degrades them and degrades us. When we stand up and say no, they can stand up too.

    They may stand up for their relationship with us, and in time for themselves.

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    Last edited: Dec 26, 2015
  9. SeaGenieTx

    SeaGenieTx Active Member

    So true Copa - every time I stand up and say no, my son gets ugly and leaves but...I'm not allowing him to abuse me and he knows it even though he hates me for it.