I've been struggling a lot lately (depression?). Our DS is still being toxic and verbally abusive from long distance. Every once in a while, not often at all, I will get an apologetic text from him, but within 24 hours or less, he reverts back to his namecalling, abusive speech. It's like the old Josh I once knew pops up out of the abyss every once in a while, only to disappear again. He still refuses to come and stay with us or even see us. My husband and I are convinced we will never see him again. In the meantime, our youngest son will be moving next month to Washington state. All the way across the country from us. I feel like I am losing both my children. And yes, I know it's not like I'll never see our youngest again, but with work responsibilities on our end and on his end and financial limitations, seeing him will be few and far between. I feel like I've been "gipped" if that makes any sense at all. I worked so hard to give our kids a loving, comfortable, peaceful home, with everything that could give them the best start in life. And what do I have to show for it? I have a mentally ill son who calls me every filthy name in the book and who refuses to see me. I have another son who is moving off and whom I don't know when I will see again. It's like life has played a cruel joke on me. I am so tired. Everything seems pointless and meaningless right now. I'm going through the motions, still doing what I "normally" do, but inside I just want to quit. If I could go back 30 years and do things differently, I don't know that I would have kids. I don't think it's worth it. I have to say that this is the hardest thing I've ever experienced in my 58 years. I marvel at how optimistic I was when I was young. I was so naïve--thinking that if you just do the "right" things, everything turns out the way it should. But life doesn't always have happy endings, even when you have done the "right" things. I am holding on by my faith but it is so very hard.