Feeling non- mommylike today

[Sunshineaftertherain]

Sorry to share this with you, but dont know where else I can talk about these things, to people who wont judge and who might understand....
My son is 16, he has possible Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD) / bipolar/ PDA / oppositional behaviour / adhd. He is on medications, seing psychologist and psychiatrist. He has low motivation, not interested in schoolwork or any sport or recreational activities. He just wants to play computergames and chat to his friends online. He still soils his pants ( we were at plenty of specialists, with no success). He gets terrible meltowns, when not getting his way or when he feels rejected.. Lately it started to become more violent, he will stort throwing stuff, pushing furniture.,,yesterday he bumped his shoulder into my face ( he is very big and I am small). He threw something small to my face, he spits, he swears and call me and hubby terrible names. He went on yesterday for hours. He threaten us with aggressive behaviour. He has stolen from us, he lies and make bad friend choices ( smoking and vaping) at school. He locked his phone so we dont have any idea whath and whith who he does or say what. He doesnt want to partake in household activities. He takes no respinsibility....not even for personal care. He loves his friends at school. He is attending mainstream, but we need to force him to do any work, he doesnt want to do it alone, we need to help him.
He doesnt want to shift to a smaller homeschooling option.
I feel like an abused mom, well me and hubby and little one is going through this everyday. He tries to rule our home with his aggression and moods. We take away gaming time as punnishment...we have a terrible long list of rules and behaviors, exct.
I feel overwhelmed and as if we did something wrong...,we feel alone, because there is no more to turn to.
Please dont judge me but I feel as if I want to tell him this morning that he must stop calling me mommy, he can call me on my name...untill he starts treatimng me like his mom. I am worried about this, because he was addopted at birth, so the mom thing is a sensitive issue. But with this terrible behavior, I dont want him to live in my home anymore....I dont known what to do.....
I dont know to what extend can we withdraw emotionally and physically, because he still stays our responsibillity and deepmdown we still really love the pleasant child he can be...,

 

[BusynMember1]

Hi there and I am sorry about your difficulties. I do have a few questions to help us help you.

Was your sons birthmother taking drugs or drinking while pregnant? Was he abused? How old was he when you adopted him? Older adoptees usually have some attachment disorder issues and this is serious. So are substances to a developing fetus.

I adopted a child and she has problems possibly due to genetics and possible alcohol abuse by the birthmother. I wish she could be better behaved but I don't think she can be. I would never ever tell her not to call me Mom. Sometimes she calls me by my first name to be mean and it hurts.

I can not tell you what to do. But with his autism diagnosis and possible attachment problems I would feel more kindly toward him, especially if he suffered abuse or his birthmother drank or did drugs while pregnant.

If your son is a danger to anyone, my choice would be to try to place him in residential treatment. It is illegal in most states to give up your parental rights but that would get him out of your home. If you feel poorly about him perhaps it is best if he live elsewhere and gets treatment at the same time.

Foster care is another option. Either way you will probably have to pay something. The schools are supposed to help pay. I got a lawyer and we received some financial help for a specialized teen boarding school. We were active in trying to help that school with my daughter. Not saying you would not be. In the end, she is 33 and not better. Everyone is different though.

If God is in your life, I recommend you pray about your options. If not write down the pros and cons of each choice.Also I would talk to a lawyer firs. If he IS violent, that puts your younger child and you in danger.

Sounds very difficult and I feel for you.

Be well and God bless. I do not judge.

 

[BusynMember1]

I am sorry. It is late here. I see by the spelling of certain words that you do not live in the U.S.

My options are probably not the same for you. Where are you from?

 

[ksm]

I don't know how to make it better. I would want to stop paying for the phone service, or switch it to just talk and text. But then, we both know that his aggressions will escalate.

What does his professionals suggest? How would the police respond in your country? Has anyone looked at the possibility of FASD? My adopted granddaughter had a mom who drank excessively the first 4 or 5 months. She does not have the facial features, but was low birth weight and small head circumference. She was also diagnosed as ADHD, ODD and finally bipolar. I wonder if they all fall under the FASD umbrella. Luckily, she has an average IQ, articulate and outgoing.

But school was a struggle, schedules a disaster, and lives in the moment.

Does your son soil himself at school? Has doctors ruled out any physical cause?

This is a good place to come and vent. Ksn

 

[JayPee]

Welcome,

I'm sorry I don't have any great wisdom to offer you in this area but do know that I understand your pain in dealing with a difficult child.

It can be a very lonely place. I think it stands true for any problem that you won't have recovery if you keep your problems in isolation. The more you talk about it with others you can trust and professionals the more knowledge you gain and then even though the problem doesn't go away it becomes more manageable. Doors will open up, people will offer suggestions. Take what you like and leave the rest. You will likely have more options sharing your problem with your son here on this forum.

Keeping sharing and you will find release and healing...in time.

 

[Sunshineaftertherain]

Thanx for all the support...we are from RSA.
In our country there isnt safe places to send kids with emotional problems. The mainstream schools do not care to help at all. My son has above average IQ and wont meet the criteria for Special Education. There was no substance abuse before birth. He was adopted at birth. According to the psychologist he has strong attatchment with us. We are just so tired of all the verbal abuse and threads... Me and hubby are thinking to tighten disciipline and if he shows ANY aggression we will take away his computer time for that day...yes, he had soiled in school. He has been to 3 specialists, nobody could find any significant reason...this is actually one of the biggest reasons for our fights.,,that he doesnt want to go to bathroom even when dirty....and the fact that he doesnt want to study on his own or take responsibility...