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Feeling sad for difficult child
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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 63433" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>Kids who tell him he's not welcome, that he shouldn't be there, who call him names, who make arrangements and then deliberately fail to follow through - that is bullying. It is unacceptable. They are not friends.</p><p></p><p>difficult child should be encouraged to not rely on kids who have done this to him, but to also not put any value in anything they say about him either. He is worth more than that.</p><p></p><p>Interesting, that the 'lock-down' is fine, but his 'friends' are not. We find similar things with difficult child 3 - in our own neighbourhood, we have to watch out for difficult child 3 because he gets picked on badly. But away from home, playing or meeting with total strangers, he gets on much better.</p><p></p><p>My theory - the local kids have learnt (at school, mostly) that they can bully difficult child 3 and get away with it. We tend, as parents, to expect the worst of our child in a neighbourhood confrontation. "What did my kid do NOW?" The other kids learn this and work out that if THEY goad difficult child enough, it will be difficult child who gets into trouble and not them. They can sit back and enjoy the fireworks. Making another kid lose his temper is fun, for kids like this. Plus, there is that sense of "I don't want that weird kid hanging around, he gives me the creeps" kind of stuff.</p><p></p><p>Since we've been proactively supporting difficult child 3, we've had fewer problems. When we learn of an encounter or problem, we go and sort it with the kid and family ourselves. We listen, find out if maybe difficult child 3 misunderstood, we explain to the parents and the other kids so they have a better understanding, and we ask for kindness and consideration in the future. difficult child 3 can be a very loyal friend. That is the bonus for a kid who befriends him. But to have me as an enemy - not a good idea.</p><p></p><p>For a long time, I was hard on difficult child 3 when there was a problem and he didn't do exactly everything just right. For example, if he was needled, hassled and teased to breaking point, I would be critical of the kids hassling him but unable to take things further because difficult child 3 had eventually hit back. Then we had an incident at the beach - for some days, a group of kids had been teasing difficult child 3, actually following him when he moved away from them, and continuing the taunts. We couldn't hear what was said over the sound of the surf, but when we called difficult child 3 to come home and he was halfway over to us, he suddenly turned back, ran to these kids, knocked one of them down and began to pummel him hard. difficult child 3, having lost his temper, was not pulling his punches.</p><p>husband ran over and dragged difficult child 3 off the kid. I expected husband to shout at difficult child 3 for starting the fight, but instead he turned to the other kid and the rest of the gang, still hanging around. "That served you right," he told them. "I've been watching you - you wouldn't leave him alone, you've been hounding him, hassling him and been mean for days. Now he's finally snapped and you brought it on yourselves. Now get away from him before I get the names of your parents and go and tell them what you've been up to!"</p><p></p><p>That's when I realised I had set much higher standards for difficult child 3 than other parents set for their kids. Other kids had worked this out and were playing the game to their advantage.</p><p>The other interesting thing - difficult child 3 now had a better idea of his own limits.</p><p></p><p>And those boys never bothered him again. The expected calls from other parents never eventuated (they were probably too scared of what we might say).</p><p></p><p>It's extra hard when difficult children can't really comprehend the rules of friendship. What is a friend? What makes a person friendly? What do you think when a person does or says something mean, but still sys he's your friend? Teaching difficult child 3 to notice actions rather than words is tricky, but we've had to get this across - a friend will not want to upset you or hurt you. They do not want to make you sad or unhappy. They will always be your friend, not just for this day, or that day. Someone who is mean a lot of the time, and only says that he's your friend because you're about to tell a teacher, is not a friend.</p><p></p><p>I write it out and stick it up behind the toilet door, where a lot of time is spent contemplating the universe.</p><p></p><p>I know you don't think he's Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD), but crikey, he sure sounds it to me. It makes a darn good working hypothesis.</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 63433, member: 1991"] Kids who tell him he's not welcome, that he shouldn't be there, who call him names, who make arrangements and then deliberately fail to follow through - that is bullying. It is unacceptable. They are not friends. difficult child should be encouraged to not rely on kids who have done this to him, but to also not put any value in anything they say about him either. He is worth more than that. Interesting, that the 'lock-down' is fine, but his 'friends' are not. We find similar things with difficult child 3 - in our own neighbourhood, we have to watch out for difficult child 3 because he gets picked on badly. But away from home, playing or meeting with total strangers, he gets on much better. My theory - the local kids have learnt (at school, mostly) that they can bully difficult child 3 and get away with it. We tend, as parents, to expect the worst of our child in a neighbourhood confrontation. "What did my kid do NOW?" The other kids learn this and work out that if THEY goad difficult child enough, it will be difficult child who gets into trouble and not them. They can sit back and enjoy the fireworks. Making another kid lose his temper is fun, for kids like this. Plus, there is that sense of "I don't want that weird kid hanging around, he gives me the creeps" kind of stuff. Since we've been proactively supporting difficult child 3, we've had fewer problems. When we learn of an encounter or problem, we go and sort it with the kid and family ourselves. We listen, find out if maybe difficult child 3 misunderstood, we explain to the parents and the other kids so they have a better understanding, and we ask for kindness and consideration in the future. difficult child 3 can be a very loyal friend. That is the bonus for a kid who befriends him. But to have me as an enemy - not a good idea. For a long time, I was hard on difficult child 3 when there was a problem and he didn't do exactly everything just right. For example, if he was needled, hassled and teased to breaking point, I would be critical of the kids hassling him but unable to take things further because difficult child 3 had eventually hit back. Then we had an incident at the beach - for some days, a group of kids had been teasing difficult child 3, actually following him when he moved away from them, and continuing the taunts. We couldn't hear what was said over the sound of the surf, but when we called difficult child 3 to come home and he was halfway over to us, he suddenly turned back, ran to these kids, knocked one of them down and began to pummel him hard. difficult child 3, having lost his temper, was not pulling his punches. husband ran over and dragged difficult child 3 off the kid. I expected husband to shout at difficult child 3 for starting the fight, but instead he turned to the other kid and the rest of the gang, still hanging around. "That served you right," he told them. "I've been watching you - you wouldn't leave him alone, you've been hounding him, hassling him and been mean for days. Now he's finally snapped and you brought it on yourselves. Now get away from him before I get the names of your parents and go and tell them what you've been up to!" That's when I realised I had set much higher standards for difficult child 3 than other parents set for their kids. Other kids had worked this out and were playing the game to their advantage. The other interesting thing - difficult child 3 now had a better idea of his own limits. And those boys never bothered him again. The expected calls from other parents never eventuated (they were probably too scared of what we might say). It's extra hard when difficult children can't really comprehend the rules of friendship. What is a friend? What makes a person friendly? What do you think when a person does or says something mean, but still sys he's your friend? Teaching difficult child 3 to notice actions rather than words is tricky, but we've had to get this across - a friend will not want to upset you or hurt you. They do not want to make you sad or unhappy. They will always be your friend, not just for this day, or that day. Someone who is mean a lot of the time, and only says that he's your friend because you're about to tell a teacher, is not a friend. I write it out and stick it up behind the toilet door, where a lot of time is spent contemplating the universe. I know you don't think he's Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD), but crikey, he sure sounds it to me. It makes a darn good working hypothesis. Marg [/QUOTE]
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