Feeling Sad---Son is Homeless

[Copabanana]

I hear in your posts your gratification that younger son is enjoying himself, becoming more lighthearted and upbeat in his life. He is freeing himself. You are so happy for him, despite the fact that your life is harder. Much more so.

It is time now to liberate ourselves, Feeling. No matter our circumstances, we can free ourselves mentally from the oppression we feel. We can open the cage. We are doing it little by little.

Take care. M is trying to sleep. He has been day and night at the hospital with his Dad. I am going to stop writing.

Take care.

 

[Feeling Sad]

Yes, my youngest is doing well. He is a bit stressed with a new house and a new mortgage. But, he also has a new girlfriend and he is very happy. He has 3 renters to help meet the morgage, but he is stressed because they have some financial issues.

Copa, I didn't make a call to 911 for my middle son because I called a suicide helpline once before for him. He came down a year and a half ago after I told him about the restraining order against his brother. He told me just because you feel said, it doesn't mean that you did the wrong thing...before he came down.

He was very despondent and suicidal when he came down right after the restraining order. He told me that if his brother died while he was "out there", that "his blood would be on my hands". He was very upset and suicidal. I went into my bedroom and privately called the suicide prevention helpline. In essence, she asked me if he was presently trying to kill himself. I said, "No, but he is discussing it". She then asked me if he had concrete plans about how he was going to do it. I said, "No". She then said that they was nothing that they could do at this time.

I understand this. I worked on a helpline in college. I saved a man's life but, he had taken drugs and I was able to get his weight, what he took, and his address. This was before 911. Then I called the backup police and doctor. His mother had called the helpline from Colorado and told me that he had taken pills. It was difficult to get his address because he was speaking very slowly and kept saying that he wanted to "lie down". That was my first call.

On his visit last Christmas, he had started an almost finished bottle of antidepressants in order to do better on his finals. This was a prescription that he had started and then stopped taking, that he was prescribed down here awhile before he left for school. I took him to the hospital because he was going through withdrawals because he had run out. They would not give him any because he lived up north and he would have to be monitored. They gave him 2 ativans and sent him on his way.

On this visit, I told him that I wanted to take him to the hospital because he is suicidal. He told me that he did not want it on his record and that, if asked, he would say that he is not suicidal.

The police would do nothing if I called 911. I have a lot of animosity towards the local police after how they refused to come in with my schizophrenic son and then lied about it. They do not take people in unless they are actively harming themselves or saying that they are going to kill themselves right then.

My son needs medications, or at the very least, therapy. Being a biologist, he knows too much about how antidepressants permanently alter your brain. Also, he, unlike myself, is not into talking and would never consider going to a stranger to discuss his feelings.

I am just trying to be a good listener and to get him on medications. A few months ago, he went to see a doctor up north. With his new coverage, he went to a house and saw a woman doctor. She told him that he seemed fine, but said that they would call him with another doctor or information about a follow up for medications. He never received the call back. But, I was just thinking, his mailbox is always full due to his number is advertized as belonging to a psychic. He should get a new number. He just texts me...

I told him that he needs to call the doctor back and tell her that he needs medications still. He lacks initiative and has poor memory now because of the depression.

With antidepressents, doctors won't prescribe them to you if you do not live locally. They need to monitor you. I couldn't do anything. He refused to go to a hospital with me.

But, like always, he texts back, once he is home, that he is very sorry and should not have treated me that way.

I wish that I had not told him about his ill brother. He went downhill after that with his academics and not wanting to be with people. He feels embarrassed about his grades and says that he is now undeserving of the internship.

He never came to visit when my ill son still lived at home because his brother would become very violent because they had a falling out. The computer line ran through my ill son's room and he would disconnect the internet. This happened while my middle son was taking a final online and he said that he was not doing it. My middle son smashed in his door in because he didn't want to fail the class. Then, a few days later, my ill son kicked his door in. After that, my ill son hated him. I do not know if he stopped the Internet or if there was a problem with the Internet itself. I will never know.

I am gently urging my son and listening to him. I want to keep the lines of communication open. He told me once that he felt like throwing the phone away. I do not have his current address. I just send him supportive texts that he seems to appreciate.

He is struggling with grief, like I am. He is also angry about things, like I am, as well. I do not know if he received his grades yet. He feels that his professors are disppointed in him now and he will not tell them about his brother's illness or homelessness. He feels that he is somehow at fault for his depression and that he can stop it. He doesnt want to give excuses. Remember, he was the one who, on his own, told me that he would always take care of his brother when I was gone.

I do not know what he will do if he does not pass or where he will live. He doesn't want his inheritance from my parents to help to rent an apartment. He said that he would just give it away...

The backyard story was sad, but my middle son is right. It was a 'better' time that I should have appreciated, looking back, because my ill son, at that time, was not trying to inflict damage or distress. He truly, in his disorganized mind, thought that he was making the yard better and cleaning it up. He soon became much, much worse, so my middle son is correct.

Yes, it was bad, but it is all relative. It was not as bad as it was going to get...

 

[Copabanana]

a new house and a new mortgage.

Wonderful.

He told me that he did not want it on his record and that, if asked, he would say that he is not suicidal.

The point is, I am advocating for you, not him. How much can you tolerate? When he comes home and blames you, tortures you, there are costs to you. It is not that your home now Is a rose garden.

If he chooses to not deal with his problems, fine. But to come home and make you feel worse?

That is my point.

My idea about calling 911 is that he cease torturing you in this way.

He told me once that he felt like throwing the phone away.

See what I meant. This was said to frighten you.

He truly, in his disorganized mind, thought that he was making the yard better and cleaning it up.

I remember before that he had the idea that the house was his, or half his, and he was dividing the yard into two halves, so as to establish his territorial rights. Was it this delusion or was it to better the yard? To me these are different things.

I am having problems with my own son here. I am writing this post I the midst of the conflict. I hope I have not taken a too strident tone. If it is, it is because of my own issues, circumstances.

Sorry.

 

[BusynMember]

Psychiatric records are sealed. Nobody sees them. HIPPA is very strict. Nobody k owe if you were committed to a hospital.

I called 911 once in my son, without telling him in advance. He has never mentioned suicide since. With him it was just manipulation.

 

[Feeling Sad]

Copa, you are right. My middle son is torturing me. He says that he shouldn't take it out on me, but says that I am the only one that he can talk about it.

He says that he is sorry. When I say that it is okay and that I understand that he is grieving, too, he tells me that I must like playing the victim.

I can't win. It is like a verbal chess game.

You have an excellent memory. Yes, my son thought that he owned the house. I think that this happened before he told me this, but the delusion was probably already there.

My point was that he did not see it a destroying something. I think that he was 'fixing' it in his mind, but yes, he did destroy my potting shed.

I am sorry to hear that you are having issues with your son. Copa, no, you are never too strident.

 

[Copabanana]

he shouldn't take it out on me, but says that I am the only one that he can talk about it.

Honestly, feeling. he is an adult. An adult should be responsible. I know our kids are not, to one degree or another, but that does not mean we should be their victims, allow it. If we do, that is enabling. It cannot be good for them. To deal with their problems by targeting us.

My son does it too. I am trying to speak up for myself. They do it to get the pain outside of themselves. I get it. But I do not want it. There are other ways to deal with pain. Rather than inflict it on mothers.

I can't win. It is like a verbal chess game.

As long as you are frightened for him and do not defend yourself, you cannot win. You are not winning against him. That is a false construction. You win for both of you. To not accept being beaten down is to win for everybody. Because then middle son will have to find a way to engage with life and to feel better.

He will have no other choice because you will remove the option of destructive behavior towards you.

You have an excellent memory

No. I care about you.

My point was that he did not see it a destroying something

But not to belabor the point. He did assert aggressively, I remember, that it was his house and he cut the yard in enough. I thought their was retaliation involved. Delusion or not I see him aggressively taking over your yard and destroying it. I do not hold him responsible. That is different. But I see it as destructive.

Feeling. You do yourself no favors by protecting either one of your sons, by not calling it what it is.

Your eldest destroyed your yard, while delusional. While he did not intend it in the sense that he would have had before he became ill, he meant it. He was driven by forces beyond his rational understanding to destroy your beautiful little cottage. Destroying is destroying. As I remember, he was mad. He was mad to the point of destroying your yard. Eventually he was on the verge of destroying you. These are facts.

Feeling. You are worth protecting. Especially by yourself.

 

[Feeling Sad]

Copa, you are right. I should not tolerate it from my middle son. I have told him that it is not acceptable several times. I think that my fear is that he would then never come down to visit or contact me again. He only came down 3 times this year and only texts using few words. If I text him, it takes many days for a response. I do not have his address and before living in the garage, he was homeless for 6 months.

I don't want to 'lose' 2 sons. Yes, I understand that I am not helping him by tolerating it, but I do not want the lines of communication stopped. I tell him that I do not deserve that type of language or treatment and I remove myself. He always apologizes for it. But, I would never tell him not to come down or text me again until he can treat me properly. I don't want to lose contact.

My eldest son was destructive in destroying my cute potting shed and I was correct in my response of asking , "Why" and being upset.

I am single. I do not have a man to emotionally support me or be a physical presence against a tall, psychotic man. I am not trying to be sexist or be disparaging of females. It is what it is. My point is that the behavior got more and more bizarre and there was no way to stop or control it.

I did not replace the TV for months and would keep the 3rd computer locked in my room. I forgot to put it back into my locked room, and that computer was also destroyed. When he was purposely being destructive, he would quickly run to his room and I could hear him laugh. Often, I would hear him saying to his voices before smashing something, "Okay, I will"...

On all sites about schizophrenia, they say that an adult schitzophrenic should not live with a single or elderly parent, especially if they are not taking medications or receiving treatment, having outside of the house activities, have other friends outside of the single parent, or are financially dependent on the single parent.

I had 2 choices. Tolerate his destruction, or get a restraining order. He would never leave freely if I told him to leave. In fact, if I had thrown him out or locked him out, he would have come back. He legally can live here if this has always been his residence. The police would not have helped me. An eviction would have just given him months of destruction, or worse, hurting or killing someone.

I tolerated the destruction and fear way too long. I completely admit this. But, the 'hook' was that he was schizophrenic because it runs in my family, I know the normal horrible course that schizophrenia takes because I lived it with my 2 sisters, I had no support from the police without a restraining order, and I knew that it was not his fault. While in a psychotic state, they lack insight. Even after awhile, their delusions and hallucinations still justify their actions to themselves.

Perhaps the biggest reason is that 11 years ago he had left without warning and moved up north to be homeless in Washington for an exact year. It was sheer torture to go through this ordeal. I never wanted to have to go through it again.

Schizophrenia does not respond well to behavior modification. I could withhold privileges or have him 'earn' rewards to try to bring about the desired behavior. But it never worked or was very short-lived because his delusions were stronger. It is a whole different ballgame with schizophrenia. You never know what is coming next. It is very difficult to deal with something using logic when it is not logical. Their actions are not reality-based.

Things were at times destroyed or taken/thrown away when I was not home. It was not during an argument. He smeared toothpaste all over a table and the lamp, framed photo, and everything else on top of the table. I do not know why. I still do not know why. He took a statue of mine. He denied it. He even offered to 'help' me find it. After the restraining order, I found it in his room with different colors of permanent marker scribbled all over the bust's face. I don't know why.

His destruction didn't always follow a disagreement or a withholding of something. It was also continual. It was always different so it could not be anticipated.

Also, you are placing yourself in danger when you try to perform behavior modification. Sites advise you to advert your eyes and stand sideways to not appear threatening when speaking. Even after a psychotic rage, he could never talk about what happened. He would be in his room. He became more violent and threatened my life even more when I would not go with him on outings because a computer was destroyed or until he saw a doctor.

I want people to know that it is not just a 'normal' adult who is misbehaving. Their delusions and hallucinations control them. They have little or no insight into their illness. Their actions seem justified to themselves. My son always said that 'it' was all my fault and that he didn't have friends anymore or that he had to run off to Washington and live in his cold car without a heater. Their thoughts are not reality-based, so I can't take the normal steps that parents should employ.

The very bottom line, or rather, fear, is that I would never see him again if I filed a restraining order. He had a chance of getting help with me. Yes, not a great one when the house was continually bombarded with destruction. Yes, my relative complacency empowered, or even trained, him to destroy or threaten more. I know that I was not helping him by letting him destroy my house while he lived here. Yes, I was putting myself in constant danger. But, the other option, in my mind, was also bad. Out on his own, would/will anyone care or notice? Will he get help? Will he get worse? Will his voices torment him worse? Will others hurt him? Will he hurt himself? The sheer torture is not knowing.

I only had 2 choices. Both were bad. The threat of death forced my hand. Parents of severely mentally ill adults are not supported by the police or the present mental health system. World-wide parents are facing this dangerous battle every day...alone.

 

[Copabanana]

I think that my fear is that he would then never come down to visit or contact me again.

I just this morning listened to a Maya Angelou talk called I think, "Love Liberates." She describes at a very young age going to her mother who lived in a 24 room house or something like it, and telling her she was leaving with her baby son.

Maya left to find her destiny.

Her mother gave her blessing. She was always welcome home.

We never learned this lesson, that love entails letting go as well as hanging on. I condemned myself my entire life for leaving home. I was a dutiful little girl and am a dutiful woman. I never realized until now that I was compelled to leave. Even though my mother did not want this.

If you liberate your middle son, you may find that he returns.

I will get back to you.

 

[Copabanana]

I do not want the lines of communication stopped.

You are talking about your middle son, here.

Feeling, what control do you have now? Tell me that. Right now you have the illusion of control. That if you tolerate anything and everything from him...he will keep open the lines of communication...if for nothing else to abuse you, so as to feel better himself.

But that is an illusion, the sense that by accepting this, he will continue to keep contact. If he really wanted a reciprocal relationship he would give you his address. He does not want this. He wants his rules.

Maybe this is all he can tolerate right now, that is true.

But sticking up for yourself might be the key to his ability to tolerating more for himself and between you. I can only imagine how difficult this would be, given the circumstances.

Remember, though, my own child is my only child. We are all of us in the same, horrible boat. Only varying degrees of horribleness.

the 'hook' was that he was schizophrenic because it runs in my family

I get this. It is the elephant in the room. A way to feel you caused it. Except the faulty premise in the logic is that all of us to some extent cause everything in our lives. My son blames me for his life and the way he feels, because I adopted him. And says:

You should not have adopted me. You should have known. You should have adopted another child without all of the problems I have. It is your fault.

To follow the logic of "you caused it" would be to say none of us should procreate. Because life is painful and then it ends. For everybody, life is a losing game. Because you die in the end.

If you had not had children, your younger son would not have achieved the success and the happiness he is achieving; his achievements would not have the benefit of his having lived and created. From everything you write about him and your other sons, they are brilliant.

I have read that schizophrenia is an adaptation, an evolutionary adaptation, as is epilepsy. Because of their correlation with brilliance and creativity. Your family proves that point. You rolled the dice not to fulfil yourself, but to fulfil a purpose and a destiny. This is what human beings do. Not just you.

For your other sons, their whole stories have not yet been written. Who knows? Many people would believe that to have NOT BORNE kids would have been the error.

I don't know.

 

[Copabanana]

Copa, you are right.

Copa, you are right.

While it is gratifying to be acknowledged, (and do believe I can think straight sometimes) my aim is not to make you wrong, which can be construed as the opposite of my being right.

I do not want you to suffer so much. That is all. I do not want you to blame yourself. I do not want you to take punishment that you do not deserve. Of anybody I know, here and wherever, you have done more. Steadfast. Responsibly. With feeling and heart and commitment. This is who you are Feeling. I stand for your contentment, your peace of mind, your self-forgiveness, for your light-heartedness and hope. And for my own. As you do for my own.

We are on the same team here. The suffering mothers team. Try to say, if you do, I agree, Copa. There is an important distinction. I am trying to elucidate my thinking about myself and my own life, so as to behave, feel and choose differently.

As we strengthen ourselves, we strengthen each other, by mirroring back where we have been and where we are going.

You are doing mightily, Feeling. It may not feel so but I believe it is so.

 

[BusynMember]

FeelingSad.. many kind people here do not understand how hard it is to treat schizophrenia or that their bad behavior is due to a lack of insight and understanding of reality. Most adult kids here have addiction problems or more treatable, milder mental health problems.

I do know. At age 23, before insurance companies threw you out of hospitals in three days, I did t ten weeks in a psychiatric hospital for suicidal depression. I was not psychotic so I observed closely those who were and I started to understand schizophrenia. It saddened and horrified me and gave me an understanding of it that few have at 23.

I know you can't reason with an active schizophrenic. And that sometimes medications that help don't completely work and that they may start to feel they are being poisoned so they stop taking them. I can understand the hardship of letting go of your mentally ill adult child. Of being afraid he will disappear.

Schizophrenia is when your own mind turns on you.

I just wanted to tell you that I understand. I wish I had wise words for you. All I have is empathy.

I don't think that it is necessary to totally alienate your middle son. Its true he isnt bring kind, but he also sounds ill and you do not sound as if you want to stop contact.

Do what your heart tells you to do, but also go on with your life. You must. We all must. You are many things, not just a mother. Live the good life you deserve. Get therapy if you need it in order to move on.

Warmth to you.

 

[Feeling Sad]

I am annoyed that I still am dealing with complex ptsd at night alone in my house. Most nights I can't fall asleep until the wee hours. Two nights last week, it was 4 or 5 in the morning. I am off school, so I have been sleeping in until 8 or 9. I stopped coffee a few days ago. It is much more difficult for me to articulate while writing papers for my 2 classes I am taking. Even without coffee, I am staying up. I now started to set my alarm to get up earlier, but I am still not tired. Being profoundly lonely is not helping.

I sleep with all the lights off except in the hallway and my attached bathroom. I keep by bedroom door locked. But, it is a hollow core door, so it would not buy me much extra time...more of a warning.

I think that I am a bit better being alone at night. I don't tell my sons at all about my issues.

Yes, I can hear you my dear friend, Copa. Chinese Crested...

I guess that part of me does not want to of take care of anyone or thing. I was thinking. I have cared for children continually for 36 years. Wow. I need to find a nice man who can be a companion, or better yet, a help mate. I feel and look a hundred these days. I wish that I had tried sooner. I have been divorced for 8 years.

I just feel like I am at the brink. I feel like I have lost hope. I am 'hanging' on for my other 2 sons, but feel sad in my big empty house. But, I am very happy for my youngest son.

I am trying to sort and organize...a true 'uphill' battle. I have bought more in the last 5 years than I have in my entire life. I need to find some other diversions. I have a lot of gifts and I always try to donate new tops when there is a disaster. Rationalization? Maybe, but I feel better doing both. But, I need to seriously think of saving for the future. Maybe more walks at the beach or a park and less shopping.

Copa, I agree with your sage advice. You have my best interests at heart, as I do yours, and you are a true friend. How is Leafy, our fellow warrior doing?

 

[Copabanana]

But, it is a hollow core door, so it would not buy me much extra time

Why not have it changed to solid core? You could find one on craigslist for very cheap.

You could try to find a good handyman with a truck who could also help you with the house and yard repairs.

Wow. I need to find a nice man who can be a companion, or better yet, a help mate

Now you're talking.

I am trying to sort and organize...a true 'uphill' battle.

Do I know? Yes. I am spending my days now doing the same thing.

I have bought more in the last 5 years than I have in my entire life.

Me too. Times 100.I have stopped buying almost completely except for Black Friday, I went a little crazy at Home Depot.

I seldom post anymore on other threads just a little bit on new people's and on TL's thread because their issues are so much like mine. I see that New Leaf posts here and there, and seems as if she is doing better and better.

 

[Feeling Sad]

My middle son showed up at the door this morning without warning from up north looking very sad. He told me that he was not feeling well and slept most of the day.

I am thinking that he did poorly on his finals. He was at the top of his class. In fact, a professor awarded him an intership even though he never applied. But, after the restraining order against his older schizophrenic brother, he spiraled deeper into depression.

He lived up there and worked 10 hour shifts on research in the fields while being homeless over the summer. He always forgot to sign in because he was sleeping in his car and was tired and depressed. He lost about $2,000 over the summer because he was too embarrassed to tell them that he forgot. He can't concentrate well now.

At 5 p.m., I told him that he should call and go to the free clinic for medications or counseling. He doesnt know if his coveraged lapsed. He didn't want to talk about it. He ate a bit at 7 and sat on the couch without talking while I watched tv for about 15 minutes. If I tried to start a casual conversation, he would say, "Come on, mom..."

He has probably spoken just 10 words. I have never seen him so despondent.

He is probably kicking himself. He is a genius and this has never happened. I have told him in the past that depression interferes with focus and memory. I have told him that is like trying to run a race with a broken leg. I have pleaded in the past with him to get medications. He looks completely broken. My heart is breaking...

The only good thing in all of this is that he came home and didn't run off and become homeless. I am very grateful for that. Thank God I am off of school still. I am sick with worry.

When a family member is schizophrenic, the whole family is affected.

 

[Copabanana]

The only good thing in all of this is that he came home and didn't run off and become homeless.

This is a hugely positive thing, I think.

He chose to go where he would be cared for, where he can recuperate. He knew you would urge him to get treatment. His threats to not contact you, were empty. Instead, vulnerable and hurting, he came home to nurse his wounds, with his mother who loves him. Feeling. I hope he stays for awhile. You can help each other.

I am grateful, too, that he came home.

I got my PhD from the best university system in the world despite flunking out my first semester in University and despite a mediocre C plus average for my BA. The same excellent University accepted me for graduate studies. Why? Because University admissions people know that very smart people do not achieve in an ever rising upward progression; there are valleys in life.

I tested well, as he does. And that way I overcame any deficit in my grades. And all of the best professors wanted to work with me. Because overall they value hard work, excellent, and smarts. He has them all.

It will be better. For him. For you. I believe this is a turning point, Feeling. Be encouraged. Be hopeful. Your middle son came home to you. Your oldest will too. I feel sure of it.

 

[Feeling Sad]

Thank you, Copa. You always make me feel better. We went out to lunch, but he is still not talking much. But, yes, I am very glad that he is here. I asked him today about seeing a doctor one time and he did not respond. But, at least he is resting and he chose to come home. I think that he is very down on himself.

I put a little money in my eldest son's joint account. I usually go to the bank every start of a new month. I used to call the customer bank line and feverishly write down the locations where he spent money. Sometimes, I would have to replay it because the robotic voice is difficult to understand. Now, I ask the bank to print off the last month's transactions.

I think that he still sleeps in his car because he goes to about 6 different towns near to my town. He rarely goes to my town. But, he is mostly in a beach town 40 minutes away that he used to want to take day trips and see with me. That is also were he went to see a doctor. He didn't want to run into anyone in town. I know that he has been to the shelter in that town because I get letters to donate money around the holidays. He also still belongs to a 24 hour gym that has many locations to take showers at 'off' hours.

It is my lifeline to see that he is alive. He just spends $1 or $2 at fast food places for food. He still goes to Cosco for pizza. I somehow feel connected to him.

When the teller printed it off, it had a pending debit just above my deposit. That meant that he was at a Rite Aid in that beach town right at that moment. Sounds pitiful, huh? I am very stoic at the bank. I can't cry, but I can still tear up. I wish that I was able to cry...

 

[RN0441]

Don't know it feels like but you are stronger than you think. Prayers and hugs to you.

 

[Copabanana]

Feeling. Where are you? It has been too long. Give me an update. My son is back! He is actually here at the house right now.

Let me know how you are. Just a few words if you do not have much time.

Love. Me.

 

[Copabanana]

Hi Feeling

Please check in. I am getting worried about you.

Be OK and take care.

 

[Feeling Sad]

Hi, Copa. I am sorry. I have been down, over-whelmed, and still not sleeping. I am still profoundly sad about my ill son being gone, and yet, very afraid in my house at night.

I finished the papers for my 2 classes that I was taking. I have 2 more classes that start this month and then I will be at the top salary. It is so very difficult to articulate in a professional manner to write coherent papers and work full time while having 4 or 5 hours of sleep each night.

I can't sleep. I analyze...perseverate...and worry. My mind won't shut off. I know that I did the only thing that I could, given the situation, but I continue to evaluate, adnauseum, how I possibly could have done things differently before the last incident. My therapist has to remind me that my life was at risk for a very long time. I always forget that part of the equation.

I still have a strong startle reflex in place, and yet, l constantly ache for my ill son. This was also my first Christmas without my brother. I am very lonely.

My middle son ended up coming down twice during the holidays. On a whim, he offered to meet me thIs last 3 day weekend midway in Morrow Bay. I can actually say that it was a lovely, low stress visit. We only had one argument, in which he apologized for profusely right afterwards.

I am surmising that he did okay on his finals. He does not volunteer any information...about school or whether he started medications.

I think that on this trip, he actually realized that I am getting older. Yes, we are all getting older, but my point is that he actually realized this point. I didn't want to go down very steep wet steps, in the dark, while wearing platforms. He urged me and instead of being , as usual, very critical, he was very kind. He told me that he understood that my shoes were not ideal.

It was good, and yet it saddened me, that he was kinder because he now realizes my mortality or upcoming loss of past abilities. I was happy that he was nicer, but sad that I am 'coming of age', of sorts...

On the way back, just half an hour from home, I was traveling the back way down a country road in the dark. The car in front of me turned left. I continued on my way. But, he must have thought that it was a driveway, when, I guess that it wasn't. I did not notice, but he was left perpendicular to oncoming cars from the other direction. He quickly swerved back into my lane. If I hadn't slammed on my brakes, with everything in my car flying forward, he would have hit my door or I would have t-bone him. It was a very close call and it shook me up. I continued on my way, but it was sad to come home to an empty house, with no one to share my harrowing ordeal with.

Copa, hug your son. Even with difficulties, you have a physical presence with both the 'good' and the 'bad'. You are blessed. You also have M., who truly loves you.

Time to 'sleep'... Thank you, Copa, for being there for me. I think of you often.