Feeling Sad---Son is Homeless
- Thread starter Feeling Sad
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Copabanana
Well-Known Member
Happy Birthday, Feeling. My computer is broken due to a virus. It is in the shop not to be home until Tuesday. I will check in then (am at the mailbox store now.) Son is very wrong to tell you on your birthday that he does not want to live, I think. Thank you for posting on my new thread. I am sorry it is all so, so hard.
New Leaf
Well-Known Member
Hauoli la hanau Little Bird. I have been gone too long trying to get my head wrapped around my circumstances. I have thought of you and my CD warrior sisters often. Life is truly harsh and unfair, but it is also beautiful all at the same time. It is a most difficult thing to have more than one adult child battling mental illness or in my case addiction or both? Who knows? We have no control in this, and that fact can be exasperating, yet freeing at the same time. How can I say freeing? Am I cold and heartless? Selfish? That may well be. After so many years in the pit of despair, gut churning with worry and stress, I realized it all was beyond my control. I am not giving up on my two, Feeling, I am giving it to God. It is way more than I can get a handle on.
Reading through these pages on CD there is one resounding theme and that is that the battle weary parents here have done just about everything under the sun to try to reach a place in their adult child's heart and mind to encourage them to figure out their great potential.
Reality is that it is not up to any of us. It is up to them, to want change. No amount of gnashing of teeth, pulling our hair out, synchronistically throwing our lives to the wayside will make them see a different path. They have to see it and want it.
You have value and worth, You have the rest of your life to live. You are a wonderful, talented, smart and amazing soul.
Thinking of you and praying for your spirits to be lifted Little Bird.
(((Hugs)))
Leafy
Reading through these pages on CD there is one resounding theme and that is that the battle weary parents here have done just about everything under the sun to try to reach a place in their adult child's heart and mind to encourage them to figure out their great potential.
Reality is that it is not up to any of us. It is up to them, to want change. No amount of gnashing of teeth, pulling our hair out, synchronistically throwing our lives to the wayside will make them see a different path. They have to see it and want it.
You have value and worth, You have the rest of your life to live. You are a wonderful, talented, smart and amazing soul.
Thinking of you and praying for your spirits to be lifted Little Bird.
(((Hugs)))
Leafy
BusynMember
Well-Known Member
Wow, New Leaf! Awesome! In my case I cried, begged, and took my son to therapy (even hospitalization) to try to make him kind and compassionate, the way I was rsising him to be, the way his siblings just naturally seemed to be.
He was a minor and yet the constant "help" I gave didnt change his basic personality. He is still lacking in these in my opinion important values. I have stopped trying long ago. I accept this. I have no choice. The loss of his siblings in his life doesnt seem to bother him at all so I give up on natural consequences. I love him dearly, but my love wont change him. That must come from him.
You are so wise. I hope you recover well from sll that has happened to you.
He was a minor and yet the constant "help" I gave didnt change his basic personality. He is still lacking in these in my opinion important values. I have stopped trying long ago. I accept this. I have no choice. The loss of his siblings in his life doesnt seem to bother him at all so I give up on natural consequences. I love him dearly, but my love wont change him. That must come from him.
You are so wise. I hope you recover well from sll that has happened to you.
wisernow
wisernow
BusynMember
Well-Known Member
Some people sadly never see it. We have all heard about the 85 year old mother who still willingly supports her abusive 65 year old "child." It is our choice to value ourselves and some people never do get there.
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wisernow
wisernow
Sadly SWOT you are right. I feel like I spent a decade trying to fix things. The universe taught me some hard lessons, but when I finally let it all go to a higher power and concentrated on me, things began to change for the positive. and at the end of the day, who are we to assume we know another's life path. we just aren't that important in the scheme of things. Hugs!
BusynMember
Well-Known Member
I too am letting the universe direct my lifes plan that I made and have found so much peace and harmony letting things go as they are meant to go. Fighting this never worked for me maybe because it is not my lifes plan. And if its hard and took this long for me to learn to go with the natural flow who am I to think I know anyone elses life plan?
We learn the most from hard lessons. And we grow in knowlege and develop gratitude for those lessons learned in this lifetime.
Thanks for your understanding.
We learn the most from hard lessons. And we grow in knowlege and develop gratitude for those lessons learned in this lifetime.
Thanks for your understanding.
Feeling Sad
Well-Known Member
Leafy, I have missed you! How are you doing? I have thought about you often, as well. We are both drawing to the close of another school year.
You always write so succinctly. Yes, it is in their hands...
My middle son has been here for 2 weeks. He went into the doctors yesterday for a refill on his antidepressants, but his coverage is for up north. They told him to go to the hospital and, today, he did. They gave him a refill. No hassle or problems. It's about time something worked out.
He dropped out of school right before graduating and walked away from a research job due to his depression. But, he is alive and acting more like himself with his jokes and dry wit. I strongly feel that the anti-balding medicine, Propecia, made him more anxious and depressed. I am glad that he is off of it now. But, they make their own choices as adults...
How is your son doing? You live in a virtual paradise, but you can still be down even with gorgeous surroundings. I grew up in Sherman Oaks and went to school in Bel Air. People can still be down even with mansions.
You are exceedingly strong. You and your son will help each other. Have you been in contact with your wayward daughter's or your precious grandchildren? Have they changed at all?
I ache every day for my ill son. I put money in his account every month. He is frugal and is probably very skinny. He still lives in his car because he keeps moving from local town to local town, per his bank activity. He is probably moving because he is afraid, which breaks my heart.
Is he afraid of the police? me? delusions or hallucinations?
I hope that things are getting a better for you. It takes time. You will get through this. Your are fortunate in the fact that you have good memories and that you having a loving son and your daughters that are close to you.
I have missed you and your words of wisdom.
You always write so succinctly. Yes, it is in their hands...
My middle son has been here for 2 weeks. He went into the doctors yesterday for a refill on his antidepressants, but his coverage is for up north. They told him to go to the hospital and, today, he did. They gave him a refill. No hassle or problems. It's about time something worked out.
He dropped out of school right before graduating and walked away from a research job due to his depression. But, he is alive and acting more like himself with his jokes and dry wit. I strongly feel that the anti-balding medicine, Propecia, made him more anxious and depressed. I am glad that he is off of it now. But, they make their own choices as adults...
How is your son doing? You live in a virtual paradise, but you can still be down even with gorgeous surroundings. I grew up in Sherman Oaks and went to school in Bel Air. People can still be down even with mansions.
You are exceedingly strong. You and your son will help each other. Have you been in contact with your wayward daughter's or your precious grandchildren? Have they changed at all?
I ache every day for my ill son. I put money in his account every month. He is frugal and is probably very skinny. He still lives in his car because he keeps moving from local town to local town, per his bank activity. He is probably moving because he is afraid, which breaks my heart.
Is he afraid of the police? me? delusions or hallucinations?
I hope that things are getting a better for you. It takes time. You will get through this. Your are fortunate in the fact that you have good memories and that you having a loving son and your daughters that are close to you.
I have missed you and your words of wisdom.
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New Leaf
Well-Known Member
Oh, Little Bird, I have thought of you often as well, in my heart and prayers you are. Yesterday was my last day, today I slept in, missed my walk (it's raining pretty hard) so here I am.
I am glad that your son took the initiative to seek help, that is terrific, Feeling.
You know, I think that there is this race to put all sorts of "remedies" on the market that are not thoroughly tested. It seems more and more that the "testing" is done on consumers. How many drug recalls have we seen in the last few years?
I read an article about otc painkillers side effects that was pretty eye opening.
My son is doing well. He is trying to come into his own, as I am working at finding my way. Yes, we do live in paradise, but there are still challenges and obstacles. No matter where we live, or what our circumstances, there will always be challenges.
You are very kind Feeling, but strength I do not claim to be my own. I am working on being more prayerful. It is because I recognize how weak I am, so it helps everyday to look up and ask for forgiveness, help and guidance, and to be exceedingly thankful for the blessings I do have. I have to realize that though my son has been a tremendous help in treading the stormy waters of dealing with my two and Hubs passing, he will find his own path. I have oft thought, "What would I do if son went off the trail'?"
So, I can't lean on him, or his choices. I have to learn to love myself, too. I have to grow to find my joy and purpose, beyond being a mother, a wife, a grandmother.
The last I saw my Tornado, was a repeat of past comings and goings. She popped up with a bag of clothes, claiming to come to do laundry (our washing machine long broken). Stayed a few days partying with friends, coming back when I had gone to work, managing to be away from the house long enough that I wouldn't be able to speak with her. Cat and mouse. After so many years of this, I have learned to build the walls. Survival. It is always the same story Feeling, "Volcano is abusive", she is leaving, yet she leaves the grands with him. I say the same things "Please go to counseling, take the kids" "I love you and the kids and want a good life for you." The different thing I say is "You don't get help when you are here, you need to go to a DV shelter where you will get help for yourself and your children." It is the hardest thing to say, but it is right. I have not heard from her for awhile now. She called her sister on Mothers Day and left a message. It is what it is. In her eyes, I will never be, or was, a good mother.
I don't buy into that anymore.
It is the same with Rain. She is still at the park, and will be there until she wants different for herself.
I have given this all to God. It may seem like a cop-out, but I have realized that I do not have the power to deal with the desperation of it all on my own. I was in the pit of it for so very long, trying everything to find a remedy, sinking to depths of sorrow, guilt, grief, seeking to find a way to make it better.
When I reach points where it all overwhelms me, my two, missing hubs, I am learning to allow myself time to release the sadness, to listen to sad songs and have a good, cleansing cry. Then I pray and work to pick myself up again. It is a process. There is so much beyond our control. I reflect on my Dads stoicism, and the all encompassing quote "It is what it is". The only power I have is reliance on Akua, and the ability to change how I view and react to circumstances. Many times I fail and stumble into old habits, but being prayerful has helped tremendously. It is not me, Feeling, it is reliance on a higher power. I cannot do this on my own. I believe that there are situations where we are utterly, completely powerless and those are training grounds for us to look up and ask for help, for guidance.
I cannot imagine the difficulties you have gone through with this illness, growing up with your sister, the losses you have faced. One thing for sure, I see from your writings is your resilience, strength and toughness to get through it all. From health issues to violence throughout your life, you have risen from the ashes like a Phoenix to become a teacher of challenged children, a kind, loving human being. It must be so difficult to be able to help your young students, but to have no answers for your son. Accept, Feeling, you did what you had to do. It was a horrible situation, dealt with in a terrible way by the authorities, but you had no choice in this.
And so it is. It is what it is and nothing can change it.
I think that is quite possibly the most difficult part of grieving for us as mothers. We grieve as if a life was lost, but it is not. There is a finality in death. "Losing" a child to mental illness or addiction continues to haunt our souls as long as they are out there, drifting, stumbling.
I have had to turn this heart and mind blowing reality around to a pollyanish thought process that reminds me that as long as there is life, there is hope. Your son is alive, he is moving, accessing his bank account. Finding his way through a debilitating, hard, unfair illness. It could have been much worse if he stayed at home with you, succumbing to those voices to harm you. It is an unacceptable reality Feeling, either way we look at it. It would have been a terrible thing if he had ended your life, then have had to live with that. It is terrible that he is out there in his condition. But, he is alive and so are YOU.
I hope that despite these challenges you continue to face, you are able to find some peace and comfort, dear friend.
As time goes by, the ache lessens a bit. There is simply no replacement for those we have lost. I try to focus on the good times and the fact that Hubs did live as long as he did. Though 61 is young, there are so many people who passed early on. I count the years as a blessing and yes, I am very fortunate to have my girls and son. You have two sons who love you, despite the struggles of your middle son, his deep love for you is evident. Carry on my friend. Stay strong.
I have missed you too, Feeling. I don't feel so wise, for many of my thoughts are borrowed from others and reminders to myself as well, to stay the course. We can only do so much. The losses I have gone through have had a way of teaching me how truly precious the blessings I have had are, and that life is very, very short.
Love and peace to you, dear friend.
(((HUGS)))
Leafy
Feeling Sad
Well-Known Member
Leafy, I am going through the same kind of process. My mom used to say, "Let go and let G_d". I cannot stop worrying. I cannot let go. But, yes, I understand that I am helpless to do anything. I can just put money in his account and hope that he stays safe and no one hurts him.
He painted the house in the back. He painted just the back because he would not go out front of the house in the day time...only at night. He would peer nervously out the window on the front door, and when the coast was clear, he would rush out with his hood on. He always parked in the driveway and never on the street, in order to make a quick get away.
There is blue painter's tape around a window where he placed it. It is still there. I cannot take it down. My son put it there. I know that it sounds stupid, but I just cannot take it down.
I pray, too, but I am also questioning why horrible things happen to good people. I have heard these questions termed 'gate questions' to be asked at the pearly gates. My mother used to use the word 'disillusioned' when she was upset about something. Yes, I am disillusioned.
My son was the nicest person you would ever meet. He doesn't deserve to have a tortured mind...a tortured reality. He is like a child out there. He is a man, but his thinking has been affected. My heart aches for him. I am so sad that he lives with constant fearful thoughts. I am also sad that he cannot cook, as that was one of his favorite things to do.
Thank you for your kind words. Yes, I still feel guilty about what happened. I filed a restraining order to keep my youngest son safe. One of my friends is a therapist. She told me that I can't sacrifice one son's safety for another. I did what I had to do, but I still have the constant what ifs...
My middle son is still here. He is doing better and eating a bit more. He, at times, jokes around like he used to do before. I am giving him his space, which is easy because school is not out yet.
Yes, I too am trying to count my blessings. I miss my brother. I miss my mother and father. I just put one foot in front of the other. I am blessed with great students. They help to take my mind off of things. Yes, it is horrible that I have helped so many students, but could not help my own son.
I have to read three 450 page books for one of my summer teacher seminars that I got accepted to for July. I do not have the reading list for the other summer seminar. That takes my mind off of things, as well. Sometimes my concentration is broken, but I push myself to continue to read.
Do you still have the Slim Glider? I go on it 20 minutes in the morning before work and 20 minutes at night, while I am watching the news. Exercise really helps. When I feel mad at the situation, I just glide faster... One would think that I would be skinny by now, but alas and alack, I am, sadly, not.
I wish that I could have let the jounalist from the Washington Post write about my ill son and what happened, but I teach in a small town. Parents would not want a teacher whose son had threatened to kill her. I also cannot take on the 3 police officers that lied to their commanding officer.
It is amazing how close I feel towards someone that I have never met. Leafy, your words ease my troubled mind. Thank you, my dear friend. G_d's peace. We will find our way.
He painted the house in the back. He painted just the back because he would not go out front of the house in the day time...only at night. He would peer nervously out the window on the front door, and when the coast was clear, he would rush out with his hood on. He always parked in the driveway and never on the street, in order to make a quick get away.
There is blue painter's tape around a window where he placed it. It is still there. I cannot take it down. My son put it there. I know that it sounds stupid, but I just cannot take it down.
I pray, too, but I am also questioning why horrible things happen to good people. I have heard these questions termed 'gate questions' to be asked at the pearly gates. My mother used to use the word 'disillusioned' when she was upset about something. Yes, I am disillusioned.
My son was the nicest person you would ever meet. He doesn't deserve to have a tortured mind...a tortured reality. He is like a child out there. He is a man, but his thinking has been affected. My heart aches for him. I am so sad that he lives with constant fearful thoughts. I am also sad that he cannot cook, as that was one of his favorite things to do.
Thank you for your kind words. Yes, I still feel guilty about what happened. I filed a restraining order to keep my youngest son safe. One of my friends is a therapist. She told me that I can't sacrifice one son's safety for another. I did what I had to do, but I still have the constant what ifs...
My middle son is still here. He is doing better and eating a bit more. He, at times, jokes around like he used to do before. I am giving him his space, which is easy because school is not out yet.
Yes, I too am trying to count my blessings. I miss my brother. I miss my mother and father. I just put one foot in front of the other. I am blessed with great students. They help to take my mind off of things. Yes, it is horrible that I have helped so many students, but could not help my own son.
I have to read three 450 page books for one of my summer teacher seminars that I got accepted to for July. I do not have the reading list for the other summer seminar. That takes my mind off of things, as well. Sometimes my concentration is broken, but I push myself to continue to read.
Do you still have the Slim Glider? I go on it 20 minutes in the morning before work and 20 minutes at night, while I am watching the news. Exercise really helps. When I feel mad at the situation, I just glide faster... One would think that I would be skinny by now, but alas and alack, I am, sadly, not.
I wish that I could have let the jounalist from the Washington Post write about my ill son and what happened, but I teach in a small town. Parents would not want a teacher whose son had threatened to kill her. I also cannot take on the 3 police officers that lied to their commanding officer.
It is amazing how close I feel towards someone that I have never met. Leafy, your words ease my troubled mind. Thank you, my dear friend. G_d's peace. We will find our way.
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Copabanana
Well-Known Member
Feeling. Hi. I am glad middle son is home and glad he is perking up. There is a book called When bad things happen to good people. By Rabbi Kushner. He had a mentally retarded son and could not accept this and it called into question his faith. Thus the book. The rabbi I speak to does not agree with R. Kushner's conclusions, but I mention the book because it demonstrates how central are in our culture the questions you have posed.
I know that the question of why is central to me. And I deal with it by blaming myself. If so much bad has happened to me and around me, and I am the common denominator, it must be my fault. I must be the evil one, even though I am not. Except the thing is there is a little evil in everybody, just as there is the potential for good in evil. To blame oneself for what happened over which one had no control is wrong and hurtful
I am not saying this to be abstract. I am saying this because I believe it is wrong for us to torture ourselves for what happened. That is what middle son is doing to himself and what we do, too. We need to stop.
I have said before I believe you will see your son. I believe he has a strong will to live and to survive. He is smart. Brilliant.
There is always the potential for something unexpected to happen to change everything. We are geared up to expect the worst. But it can go the other way.
I do not know how and what. But I believe he is OK. It has been 2 years. The hardest part for him and for you is past. He is doing this. He stays in the fight because of you. The strength and the love you gave him gave him, instilled the capacity and want to do so.
I know that the question of why is central to me. And I deal with it by blaming myself. If so much bad has happened to me and around me, and I am the common denominator, it must be my fault. I must be the evil one, even though I am not. Except the thing is there is a little evil in everybody, just as there is the potential for good in evil. To blame oneself for what happened over which one had no control is wrong and hurtful
I am not saying this to be abstract. I am saying this because I believe it is wrong for us to torture ourselves for what happened. That is what middle son is doing to himself and what we do, too. We need to stop.
I have said before I believe you will see your son. I believe he has a strong will to live and to survive. He is smart. Brilliant.
There is always the potential for something unexpected to happen to change everything. We are geared up to expect the worst. But it can go the other way.
I do not know how and what. But I believe he is OK. It has been 2 years. The hardest part for him and for you is past. He is doing this. He stays in the fight because of you. The strength and the love you gave him gave him, instilled the capacity and want to do so.
Feeling Sad
Well-Known Member
Thank you, Copa. I wish that I had more hope. I have unfortunately seen the path that schizophrenia has taken in my sister, and she was on medications. Maybe he will get help, but he is too afraid of people, I feel, to seek help. He also does not feel that he is ill. We are the problem...not him.
You are right, though. I need to have hope. If I knew that I would see him again before I die, I would feel better. I feel guilty that I could not get him to see a doctor and that I have lousy genes. Yes, I tried my best and I did not choose my genes.
I will try to be grateful for the good things. I am just tired from living with heartbreak. I can't get past the fact that my son is out there, afraid and confused every day. I ache for him.
You are right, though. I need to have hope. If I knew that I would see him again before I die, I would feel better. I feel guilty that I could not get him to see a doctor and that I have lousy genes. Yes, I tried my best and I did not choose my genes.
I will try to be grateful for the good things. I am just tired from living with heartbreak. I can't get past the fact that my son is out there, afraid and confused every day. I ache for him.
Copabanana
Well-Known Member
Feeling. I do not want to be "right." I want to be happy. When I read your answering post to me, I feel insensitive, like the effect of my words is to guilt you; tell you, you should. And perhaps that is the internal voice I use to talk to myself, and why I am depressed.
Because the reality of my life for 4 years is bereft. Maybe there is a clue here.
Maybe this is one thing we share, Feeling. The reality of being little girls in impossible situations, and blaming ourselves for it, and for wanting and needing anything at all from those around us or from life itself.
Somehow integrate it into a functional me. How to do it, I do not know. But I have been reading about other old people, who have had activist lives (in the sense of trying to take on life) who have been felled by depression. Like Dan Rather when he was fired as an anchor and the poet William Carlos Williams when he was unfairly denied the National Poet Laureate position due to McCarthyism, who had to be hospitalized, his despair was so great.
But neither of these men were mothers who were so connected to their sons that they took on the vulnerability of their child, as if to psychically walk with them through the streets. Who felt this to be the lesser burden than letting go, denying themselves permission to feel whole and hopeful because the toll would be letting go. And this they would not do.
Honestly, Feeling. I do not know the answer. But I do know the problem.
Because the reality of my life for 4 years is bereft. Maybe there is a clue here.
I am too. I am tired of feeling despair the first moments upon waking. I am tired of living a life which battles the reality of darkness and defeat. I am tired of fearing my life is over 20 years before it has to be. I am tired of returning to this place over and over again. I do not want to accept the reality that this is who I am. Maybe I was always this defeated and broken person. And suppressed the reality of this truth. M says he wants me to return to my real personality (the old one.) Maybe defeat is the real me.
Maybe this is one thing we share, Feeling. The reality of being little girls in impossible situations, and blaming ourselves for it, and for wanting and needing anything at all from those around us or from life itself.
Who could get beyond this, Feeling? I am coming to the realization that the key for me is accepting that this despair is ME. That there is no getting beyond it. That I have to start from this place. Somehow get to know it and to live with it. Define myself from it. Instead of resenting it. Battling it. Running from it. Overcoming it.
Somehow integrate it into a functional me. How to do it, I do not know. But I have been reading about other old people, who have had activist lives (in the sense of trying to take on life) who have been felled by depression. Like Dan Rather when he was fired as an anchor and the poet William Carlos Williams when he was unfairly denied the National Poet Laureate position due to McCarthyism, who had to be hospitalized, his despair was so great.
But neither of these men were mothers who were so connected to their sons that they took on the vulnerability of their child, as if to psychically walk with them through the streets. Who felt this to be the lesser burden than letting go, denying themselves permission to feel whole and hopeful because the toll would be letting go. And this they would not do.
Honestly, Feeling. I do not know the answer. But I do know the problem.
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New Leaf
Well-Known Member
Feeling, what is, is. Your circumstances are very difficult and you are you. We all have to feel and process at our own pace and time. When the time comes, you will find your peace, I am sure of it.
It does not sound stupid, Feeling, we all hang on to remnants of the past, no matter how big or small, as reminders of our loved ones.
Horrible things have been happening to good people since time immemorial. When we were kids, and said "But it's not fair!" My dad would always reply "Who said life was fair?" I am finding that life is a series of challenges, ups and downs. It is up to us to make the best of whatever comes our way. It takes time, for sure, to recover from loss and find joy.
I don't think you are disillusioned at all. You have accomplished so much against incredible odds.
I don't think that ache will ever go away. I feel the same way about my two, my grands. There is always a part of me that is lamenting what is. When it is overwhelming, I let myself have a good cry, then pray for them to find their potential. Right now, my house is full again. I have my grands for the summer. It is a tough situation and I heard the most heart wrenching stories from them which I will post about. My main priority is my son, to help him achieve his goals and to provide a peaceable, stable home. But to hear the sufferings of my grands is unbearable.
Oh, the what ifs's.......you are not alone in this Feeling. But I do think that you are not recognizing that you are also a pillar of strength, and an example of perseverance for your two sons.
I am so glad for this Feeling. I would imagine that him seeing that you are working hard at surviving, trying to help yourself, helps him to climb up!
You know, I feel the same way about my grands, my two daughters. The difference being that they were not incapacitated with mental illness, the caveat being that with addiction, the brain does not function well at all. Sigh.
So many years volunteering and coaching kids. My own, I cannot reach.
I marvel at you Feeling, so much strength! Keep pushing dear friend!
I gave my Slim Glider to my granddaughter. I found that it aggravated my knees. I had a fall a few months ago and rolled my knee, was able to get up and walk, but could not bend my knee the following day! Few doctors visits and an MRI revealed that maybe I had a sight meniscus tear, and "No cartilage between the bones behind my knee" ACK!!!!!!! Well, I waited for clearance for PT which never came, so designed my own. I am walking every morning, doing body weight exercises and paddling. Yes indeed, exercise helps to clear the mind. No, I am not skinny either! Oh well, I am pretty fit though!
I was pondering this Feeling, how difficult it must be to not be able to speak about your situation for fear you may lose your life's work. It is a no wonder you spend time here, and your posts are sad and full of lamentation. It is a place for you to vent. You also have many posts that reveal your keen sense of humor and quick wit. You are a very special human being, wahine ikaika- strong woman. I am glad that you have this place to write about your situation, and to release the sadness. It is important to let it out.
Feeling, I feel the same way. It is amazing. I am eternally thankful for your kindness and understanding. I wish with all of my heart that you find some moments of joy to ease your pain, dear friend. God's peace to you, and yes, we will find our way! It's summertime! Have some fun!
Big, big hugs
nui ke aloha
Leafy
BusynMember
Well-Known Member
You are both amazing. You are both already finding your ways.
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New Leaf
Well-Known Member
Thank you SWOT, you are truly amazing! Thank you for all of your wisdom and kindness in helping light the way for others.
(((HUGS!)))
Leafy
Feeling Sad
Well-Known Member
Leafy, I am very glad to hear that you have your grandchildren for the summer. They need you. It must be very difficult to hear of their troubled life with your daughter. But, you will know the exact thing to say to bolster their self-esteem and comfort them. You always do.
I completely understand that your focus must be on your son. He needs and deserves structure and a 'normal' life. He needs his fair share of attention. Drama has a way of stealing attention away from those that are not causing problems.
I am sorry to hear about your knees. Yes, you are in great shape...out their paddling against the waves.
We are alike. Helping kids in our careers, yet not able to help our own. It is truly heart-breaking.
I think that you are correct about the aching heart. I do not feel it abating. My best friend lost her son at age 10 to leukemia over fifteen years ago. She says that it never goes away. The difference is that our children are still alive. We have the anguish over worrying about their current condition...and feeling helpless.
I told her once that I have no closure. She politely told me that I don't want closure. It was stupid of me to say. I just meant that it is ongoing and that I worry all of the time.
The 2 year 'anniversary' of the restraining order is on June 15th. I have not seen or heard from him. I have no way of finding him...ever. Even if I could in the future, it might not be safe and it could make him run off to a different state.
The only way would be to sleep in a rental car, that he would not suspect, in the parking lot of one of the many 24 Hour Fitness locations that he takes showers at probably in the middle of the night. It could take weeks. But, what would I do if he parked his car? Run up to him in the dark parking lot alone? Try to talk to him, or hand him a letter, or just hug him as he runs to his car and speeds off?
I was thinking that they could give him a letter at 24 Hour Fitness when they checked his membership card. They would probably not be willing to do this and don't check the name closely each time. But, there are probably not a lot of people that come in the middle of the night. It would only serve to make him go to a different state. I also would be breaking the law concerning the restraining order. I have 3 more years, but he probably is not aware of this.
I have been told that I must not ever see him again, unless it is at a jail or a hospital. It is too unsafe. I hate being afraid of my own son, who I miss with all of my heart.
You can't tell that I perseverate... It is a problem with no solution. That is the kicker that eats away at our hearts and minds. No solution.
I am eating very healthy foods and exercising to lose weight. I am trying to have my middle son gain weight. I am always hungry and he never is. But, he is doing better. I still worry about him, but feel much better that he is here and on antidepressants. Neither one of us talk about his ill brother. He is not strong enough, right now. He might not ever be.
Yes, it helps to talk about it here because I can only talk about it with my best friend.
Leafy, you are so right. It is what it is...
Enjoy your summer, dear friend. You will be paddling and I will be reading...
I completely understand that your focus must be on your son. He needs and deserves structure and a 'normal' life. He needs his fair share of attention. Drama has a way of stealing attention away from those that are not causing problems.
I am sorry to hear about your knees. Yes, you are in great shape...out their paddling against the waves.
We are alike. Helping kids in our careers, yet not able to help our own. It is truly heart-breaking.
I think that you are correct about the aching heart. I do not feel it abating. My best friend lost her son at age 10 to leukemia over fifteen years ago. She says that it never goes away. The difference is that our children are still alive. We have the anguish over worrying about their current condition...and feeling helpless.
I told her once that I have no closure. She politely told me that I don't want closure. It was stupid of me to say. I just meant that it is ongoing and that I worry all of the time.
The 2 year 'anniversary' of the restraining order is on June 15th. I have not seen or heard from him. I have no way of finding him...ever. Even if I could in the future, it might not be safe and it could make him run off to a different state.
The only way would be to sleep in a rental car, that he would not suspect, in the parking lot of one of the many 24 Hour Fitness locations that he takes showers at probably in the middle of the night. It could take weeks. But, what would I do if he parked his car? Run up to him in the dark parking lot alone? Try to talk to him, or hand him a letter, or just hug him as he runs to his car and speeds off?
I was thinking that they could give him a letter at 24 Hour Fitness when they checked his membership card. They would probably not be willing to do this and don't check the name closely each time. But, there are probably not a lot of people that come in the middle of the night. It would only serve to make him go to a different state. I also would be breaking the law concerning the restraining order. I have 3 more years, but he probably is not aware of this.
I have been told that I must not ever see him again, unless it is at a jail or a hospital. It is too unsafe. I hate being afraid of my own son, who I miss with all of my heart.
You can't tell that I perseverate... It is a problem with no solution. That is the kicker that eats away at our hearts and minds. No solution.
I am eating very healthy foods and exercising to lose weight. I am trying to have my middle son gain weight. I am always hungry and he never is. But, he is doing better. I still worry about him, but feel much better that he is here and on antidepressants. Neither one of us talk about his ill brother. He is not strong enough, right now. He might not ever be.
Yes, it helps to talk about it here because I can only talk about it with my best friend.
Leafy, you are so right. It is what it is...
Enjoy your summer, dear friend. You will be paddling and I will be reading...
Feeling Sad
Well-Known Member
Copa, I didn't have a chance to respond to your last post, being so busy with closing my classroom. We actually have to clear everything away, cover all of our bookcases, and draw a floor plan showing where we want the desks, cabinets, tables, etc. for the next school year.
This year, it was very cleansing, though. I purged old files and made my room look so much better. I have been holding onto boxes because I have taught at different schools and at different grade levels. Who knew what grade I might be moved to? So I horded teacher supplies...books, workbooks, worksheets, math manipulatives, posters.... The list goes on. It doesn't help that teachers are always leaving great things in the teachers' lounge. It is like a free teacher gift shop. I eat my small salad at lunch and 'shop'.
I wanted to say that I agree with you in that we are being like little girls struggling against difficult situations that are not our fault. But, we blame ourselves and look for help from others. That was spot on.
That is why I married poorly twice. I was not asking anything of them and they were both cold and lacked empathy. My first husband was a Vietnam vet and was very abusive. But, I wanted to be loved. Just loved.
I found out that I was always on my own, as a child and as an adult. I look back now and see that I chose men that most women would run away from. But, it did not scare me off. I was used to being treated poorly. I was going to love them. I thought that, with love, they would 'transform' into nice people. I was going to 'help' them. On some level, I believe that I deserved them.
What you can't 'fix' in childhood, you continue to fix as an adult. My first husband and I started to date when I was finishing up in college in Special Education. He had 11 of the 14 criteria of being emotionally disturbed. But, it did not scare me. Why, he was 'sent' to me. With my newly gleaned skills, I would help him. I would save him.
Then he could help me...
Copa, we 'dance' the dance that we have been taught since we were young girls. We are looking for someone...anyone to help us. We were taught directly or very insidiously indirectly that we needed to fix things. It was put onto our young shoulders.
At the age of 11, my childhood ended. I was in a constant real life war zone with my schizophrenic sister threatening and trying to kill me, with zero help from my parents. I was on my own. I had to fend for myself. I had to be alert at all times to stay alive. My parents were in total denial. After going through similar terrors with my ill son, I understand their response more. They were hoping for the best and could not believe that their 13 year old daughter was capable of such violence.
We take on troubles and blame ourselves because we were always 'left' to fend for ourselves. We are 'tough cookies', with soft insides... We are crying out for help, but know one knows that fact. We have been trained by fire to be tough and deal with whatever comes our way. It is our 'job' to 'fix' it.
We are not despair, but rather, we take on the despair to try to alleviate it. We take on everything. Our bodies are tired with the battles. We want someone to 'battle' to save us. To take on the battle for us, or with us. But, we are again left with the impossible struggle. We eat and buy things to help to asuage the pain...the psychic pain of trying to fight insurmountable odds.
I am trying to feel better about myself, body and mind. I am tired of the ranges of war. That is probably why you feel that you will die 20 years before your time.
We can't let go because we feel that it is our battle to win. The stress is deadly. Cortisol wreaks havoc on our bodies. But, still we forge on.
I have been starting to work on things that I can control. I am exercising 40 to 50 minutes every day. I am losing weight and eating low carb. I am organizing my multitude of possessions and giving some things to friends or donating. I am buying less. Yes, I love the serotonin rush when I find a great deal. But, I am tired of stepping around the clutter. It is freeing to see more open space. My mind feels less encumbered.
I am feeling better. Yes, I am still very sad and worry about my ill son. But, I am starting to have more energy and feel, a bit, better about myself. I am not a 'bad' or lacking person who cannot solve these problems. I am a strong, nice person trying the best that I can.
Copa, I am trying to 'forgive' myself. I wear my guilt. But, Copa, no one could have tried harder than us. We did everything 'right'. We planned the solution and intellectualized the problem, ad nauseum. We put our precise and well-thought plans into action, over and over again.
You are right. We feel that it would be 'wrong' to stop. It is our job. But, the despair of not being able to win against something that we have no control over is killing us, our body and psyche.
I am trying to 'forgive' myself because I couldn't help my son. I kick myself daily...hourly. I could not win in a battle against schizophrenia. I have watched 3 family members slowly ravaged by this insidious disease.
I am trying to be kind to myself, know that I am only human, and forgive myself. I have done nothing wrong, but I feel like I have. I am trying to stop dancing the dance that we were taught as little girls...
This year, it was very cleansing, though. I purged old files and made my room look so much better. I have been holding onto boxes because I have taught at different schools and at different grade levels. Who knew what grade I might be moved to? So I horded teacher supplies...books, workbooks, worksheets, math manipulatives, posters.... The list goes on. It doesn't help that teachers are always leaving great things in the teachers' lounge. It is like a free teacher gift shop. I eat my small salad at lunch and 'shop'.
I wanted to say that I agree with you in that we are being like little girls struggling against difficult situations that are not our fault. But, we blame ourselves and look for help from others. That was spot on.
That is why I married poorly twice. I was not asking anything of them and they were both cold and lacked empathy. My first husband was a Vietnam vet and was very abusive. But, I wanted to be loved. Just loved.
I found out that I was always on my own, as a child and as an adult. I look back now and see that I chose men that most women would run away from. But, it did not scare me off. I was used to being treated poorly. I was going to love them. I thought that, with love, they would 'transform' into nice people. I was going to 'help' them. On some level, I believe that I deserved them.
What you can't 'fix' in childhood, you continue to fix as an adult. My first husband and I started to date when I was finishing up in college in Special Education. He had 11 of the 14 criteria of being emotionally disturbed. But, it did not scare me. Why, he was 'sent' to me. With my newly gleaned skills, I would help him. I would save him.
Then he could help me...
Copa, we 'dance' the dance that we have been taught since we were young girls. We are looking for someone...anyone to help us. We were taught directly or very insidiously indirectly that we needed to fix things. It was put onto our young shoulders.
At the age of 11, my childhood ended. I was in a constant real life war zone with my schizophrenic sister threatening and trying to kill me, with zero help from my parents. I was on my own. I had to fend for myself. I had to be alert at all times to stay alive. My parents were in total denial. After going through similar terrors with my ill son, I understand their response more. They were hoping for the best and could not believe that their 13 year old daughter was capable of such violence.
We take on troubles and blame ourselves because we were always 'left' to fend for ourselves. We are 'tough cookies', with soft insides... We are crying out for help, but know one knows that fact. We have been trained by fire to be tough and deal with whatever comes our way. It is our 'job' to 'fix' it.
We are not despair, but rather, we take on the despair to try to alleviate it. We take on everything. Our bodies are tired with the battles. We want someone to 'battle' to save us. To take on the battle for us, or with us. But, we are again left with the impossible struggle. We eat and buy things to help to asuage the pain...the psychic pain of trying to fight insurmountable odds.
I am trying to feel better about myself, body and mind. I am tired of the ranges of war. That is probably why you feel that you will die 20 years before your time.
We can't let go because we feel that it is our battle to win. The stress is deadly. Cortisol wreaks havoc on our bodies. But, still we forge on.
I have been starting to work on things that I can control. I am exercising 40 to 50 minutes every day. I am losing weight and eating low carb. I am organizing my multitude of possessions and giving some things to friends or donating. I am buying less. Yes, I love the serotonin rush when I find a great deal. But, I am tired of stepping around the clutter. It is freeing to see more open space. My mind feels less encumbered.
I am feeling better. Yes, I am still very sad and worry about my ill son. But, I am starting to have more energy and feel, a bit, better about myself. I am not a 'bad' or lacking person who cannot solve these problems. I am a strong, nice person trying the best that I can.
Copa, I am trying to 'forgive' myself. I wear my guilt. But, Copa, no one could have tried harder than us. We did everything 'right'. We planned the solution and intellectualized the problem, ad nauseum. We put our precise and well-thought plans into action, over and over again.
You are right. We feel that it would be 'wrong' to stop. It is our job. But, the despair of not being able to win against something that we have no control over is killing us, our body and psyche.
I am trying to 'forgive' myself because I couldn't help my son. I kick myself daily...hourly. I could not win in a battle against schizophrenia. I have watched 3 family members slowly ravaged by this insidious disease.
I am trying to be kind to myself, know that I am only human, and forgive myself. I have done nothing wrong, but I feel like I have. I am trying to stop dancing the dance that we were taught as little girls...
Last edited:
Feeling Sad
Well-Known Member
It has been a very long time. I went to 2 teacher seminars back east and traveled down the coast for 9 days between the seminars.
I greatly enjoyed the seminars. At each of the seminars, you stay in a dorm and have all of your meals provided. They both lasted 6 days. There were tours and I met teachers from all over the U.S. The first seminar had several guest speakers each day. We had about 7 hours of instruction and discussion each day. I loved it. I could immerse myself in intellectual growth and the community of teachers. The second seminar gave me a stipend to cover my flight and I needed to develop a detailed lesson plan utilizing certain criteria.
The horrible part of my trip is that I urged my middle son to fly back and meet me for the 9 days of traveling down the coast to Charleston and Savannah. He is not doing well and I thought, foolishly, that this trip would 'help'. He was verbally and psychologically abusive during the whole time. Yes, I know cognitively that he is hurting. But, it was hard on my already low self-esteem. Yes, I know that he was wrong to yell at me. He was very anxious and irritable. He did not want to be with people. I ended up bringing his free included breakfast up to the room for him at each hotel. He has lost weight from his depression. I was walking on eggshells the entire time.
I do not know if it was the stress, new flatter shoes, or walking miles a day, but my legs started to get sore. I felt extreme pain, but rushed quickly to get back to the hotel before checkout. He would sleep in the room. He would wait outside if I toured a house.
It was horrible. I felt so badly I even questioned myself if I was 'up' to going to my second seminar. To be accepted, it was very competitive. You had to submit an essay and only 25 out of 188 were accepted. I couldn't let them down, but I now felt stupid and not up to the task. He constantly tore me down.
After he left, I returned the rental car and took 4 trains to arrive at my second seminar at an ivy league college. My ankles swelled up and I got a red rash above my ankles. I labored every day to go from the dorm to the mess hall and then to the lecture hall, repeating this process 3 times, with tours thrown in. I have never had this happen. My legs killed me. I met friends who got me ice packs and insisted that I elevated my feet in the lecture hall. I knew how my mother felt when she had great difficulty walking. She was bed bound for the last 7 years of her life.
The world of academia was opening my prospects and outlook. My walking constraints and extreme pain made me feel old and failing. Quite the dichotomy.
When my middle son returned home, he had his antidepressants doubled. He is not abusive now.
My fear over the last few months is that he will become schizophrenic, too. My eldest son and 2 sisters have schizophrenia. I am always waiting for the other shoe to fall. I look at every behavior through this lens. I have never stated it. Perhaps, he is worried, as well. He hasn't mentioned hearing voices, which is an excellent sign. He is still very depressed and speaks of not wanting to live. He refuses any type of counseling. He wants me to just speak to communicate something important. I talk a lot and love to talk. He wants silence. He doesn't want to go out front during the day. He stays in his room most of the day. His friends, except one, have wives and children. He doesn't see them. I know that he hates living here with me. He is an adult. I gifted him with an early inheritance in high school and he has a large inheritance from my parents. He has no desire to do anything. Yes, it is too soon to complete his last semester at college, even on line. He is too depressed to think clearly. He could not even do well at a simple job, not in his field. I have told him to do volunteer work such as teaching adults how to read at the library and maybe take a class in photography for fun. He needs structure and a reason to get up in the morning. He just wants to be alone in his room. He only weighs 110 now and I try to get him to eat. I have found it best not to push, but have food available when he is hungry. I do not want to be too strict because I don't want him to be homeless again in his state of mind. He keeps saying that he "doesn't feel well", but can't explain what he means.
I feel like I am just working on automatic pilot. I have never let myself fall apart. I am probably not able to fall apart. I still am not able to cry. I am a zombie. I have to get my room ready next week for school. My heart is breaking for my ill son, who I will probably never see again, and my middle son in the ravages of mental illness. He was already depressed, at times, but was doing very well at college and performing research. But when I had to file a restraining order against his schizophrenic brother, he went off the deep end. Again, I am helpless.
I greatly enjoyed the seminars. At each of the seminars, you stay in a dorm and have all of your meals provided. They both lasted 6 days. There were tours and I met teachers from all over the U.S. The first seminar had several guest speakers each day. We had about 7 hours of instruction and discussion each day. I loved it. I could immerse myself in intellectual growth and the community of teachers. The second seminar gave me a stipend to cover my flight and I needed to develop a detailed lesson plan utilizing certain criteria.
The horrible part of my trip is that I urged my middle son to fly back and meet me for the 9 days of traveling down the coast to Charleston and Savannah. He is not doing well and I thought, foolishly, that this trip would 'help'. He was verbally and psychologically abusive during the whole time. Yes, I know cognitively that he is hurting. But, it was hard on my already low self-esteem. Yes, I know that he was wrong to yell at me. He was very anxious and irritable. He did not want to be with people. I ended up bringing his free included breakfast up to the room for him at each hotel. He has lost weight from his depression. I was walking on eggshells the entire time.
I do not know if it was the stress, new flatter shoes, or walking miles a day, but my legs started to get sore. I felt extreme pain, but rushed quickly to get back to the hotel before checkout. He would sleep in the room. He would wait outside if I toured a house.
It was horrible. I felt so badly I even questioned myself if I was 'up' to going to my second seminar. To be accepted, it was very competitive. You had to submit an essay and only 25 out of 188 were accepted. I couldn't let them down, but I now felt stupid and not up to the task. He constantly tore me down.
After he left, I returned the rental car and took 4 trains to arrive at my second seminar at an ivy league college. My ankles swelled up and I got a red rash above my ankles. I labored every day to go from the dorm to the mess hall and then to the lecture hall, repeating this process 3 times, with tours thrown in. I have never had this happen. My legs killed me. I met friends who got me ice packs and insisted that I elevated my feet in the lecture hall. I knew how my mother felt when she had great difficulty walking. She was bed bound for the last 7 years of her life.
The world of academia was opening my prospects and outlook. My walking constraints and extreme pain made me feel old and failing. Quite the dichotomy.
When my middle son returned home, he had his antidepressants doubled. He is not abusive now.
My fear over the last few months is that he will become schizophrenic, too. My eldest son and 2 sisters have schizophrenia. I am always waiting for the other shoe to fall. I look at every behavior through this lens. I have never stated it. Perhaps, he is worried, as well. He hasn't mentioned hearing voices, which is an excellent sign. He is still very depressed and speaks of not wanting to live. He refuses any type of counseling. He wants me to just speak to communicate something important. I talk a lot and love to talk. He wants silence. He doesn't want to go out front during the day. He stays in his room most of the day. His friends, except one, have wives and children. He doesn't see them. I know that he hates living here with me. He is an adult. I gifted him with an early inheritance in high school and he has a large inheritance from my parents. He has no desire to do anything. Yes, it is too soon to complete his last semester at college, even on line. He is too depressed to think clearly. He could not even do well at a simple job, not in his field. I have told him to do volunteer work such as teaching adults how to read at the library and maybe take a class in photography for fun. He needs structure and a reason to get up in the morning. He just wants to be alone in his room. He only weighs 110 now and I try to get him to eat. I have found it best not to push, but have food available when he is hungry. I do not want to be too strict because I don't want him to be homeless again in his state of mind. He keeps saying that he "doesn't feel well", but can't explain what he means.
I feel like I am just working on automatic pilot. I have never let myself fall apart. I am probably not able to fall apart. I still am not able to cry. I am a zombie. I have to get my room ready next week for school. My heart is breaking for my ill son, who I will probably never see again, and my middle son in the ravages of mental illness. He was already depressed, at times, but was doing very well at college and performing research. But when I had to file a restraining order against his schizophrenic brother, he went off the deep end. Again, I am helpless.
