Feeling Sad---Son is Homeless

[New Leaf]

Just a quick hello before readying for work.
It is good to "see" you Feeling. I am so sorry for all of the stress you undergo on the daily, then the added stress of having to be ready to evacuate your home.
Things just pile and pile sometimes.
Of course you didn't have time to check in here, with so much going on, no need to apologize!
I am sorry middle son is having such a difficult time. Will he not go and see someone? I know how you worry, it is unfair to you if he won't at least try to get some help.
We are soon to be on break. Do you have any plans Feeling? I am staying home and cleaning up.
Been way too busy with working and coaching.

Ambiguous grief, yes we all deal with it.
My granddaughter called last night. It was so good to hear her voice. Grands are living with their paternal grandparents, no sight of mom, their father is out there.... somewhere.
I told her that when I get sad about their mom, I say a prayer because it is all I can do right now. It is a lot actually, calms my heart and mind to ask God to watch over her and help her find her purpose.
I don't want to spend my time caught up in sadness.
I hope my grandchildren will find joy in their young lives, despite all of the situations they have been through.
Ambiguous grief.
It is too hard on the heart.

Feeling, I hope things have calmed down as far as the wildfires, and you are able to get some rest.
I am pretty sure you are still working diligently at your job, caring for your students.
I hope you are able to find some time to do things for yourself.
I am glad you checked in Little Bird, but sorry you are facing so much and feel so sad.
Sending you prayers for relief and a way to find joy.
(((HUGS)))
Leafy

 

[Feeling Sad]

Leafy, I have been thinking a lot about you. How horrible that you went through that bomb scare in Hawaii. The news said that it was 38 minutes until you knew that it was a false alarm. I cannot even attempt to understand how you must have felt. Was your son with you? You also had to worry about your grands and your wayward children.

I am so sorry that you had to go through that. Just know, that you are on my mind.

I agree with the praying. It does afford you some peace of mind. My ill son is still out there in his car, traveling from town to town. I know this from his activity on our joint bank account that I put money in each month. My heart literally aches, but I know that he is alive.

There is no way that I will ever see him again. I had to keep my youngest son safe, so I had to file the restraining order. A mother termed it "choosing between the two Hells", keeping them at home, afraid that they will hurt you, or filing a restraining order and not being able to see them, perhaps ever again. I hope that his voices are not tormenting him or telling him to hurt himself. They become worse when you are alone, I have read.

I was sorting through old papers and came across some photos of him when he was young. As mothers, we never imagined that they would go through such horrific changes as an adult. I miss those golden years...when they were innocent and so very easy to take care of.

 

[New Leaf]

Hi Little Bird! Thank you so much for thinking of me. The false alert was a very surreal frozen moment. Son was on a weekend camp and I was coaching at a canoe race. We were readying for the first event and everyone’s cell phones started sounding that weird alarm. I was thinking what the heck? Then it was announced a ballistic missile was headed for us and it was not a drill. Boom “drop the mike”. Seek shelter, they said. Parents and kids left, we had kids without rides. My son and Hoku called and I told them I loved them. I just kept praying and telling my friends that I loved them. They had a bottle of tequila and were taking shots! (Not me, tequila makes me gag, but that’s a whole nother story.
Geez, Feeling, talk about a crazy world we live in with this reality.
I am looking at it as a life lesson that I can’t take things for granted and each day is a blessing.
I feel really sad for whoever made the mistake. Human error. That person has to live with this. Folks are angry and some one has already made death threats to the agency. How dumb is that?
People were speeding through red lights, busses just dumped passengers, there were no emergency or police personnel on the roads.
After the all clear was sounded, people went to bars and........ SHOPPING! Yup, they bought stores out!
Sigh.
Life is precious.
I am glad that you at least know your son is alive. Feeling, we have no control over our wayward adult children. Both you and I. It is like wildfires and mudslides and false alarms. Life just.......happens. You happen to have a most difficult situation with your sons illness. What else could you do? You had to protect yourself and your young son. Same for me. Rain has come by here and there and it is evident that her thinking is not clear. I have not seen or heard from Tornado. My grand showed me her Instagram page, full of selfies and a photo of a rugged gang tattooed man. She has some contact with her middle son, texts, etc., but keeps their ebt for herself. It is unimaginable to me how and why she does this. Drugs. Addiction. A mental illness of its own. I continue to pray for them to find their way and try not to let their addiction and choices run my life into despair. I feel for my three grands, both of their parents off the rails.They are doing well in school, but I wonder about their innermost thoughts and emotions. What a hardship for children.
How is your middle son doing, Feeling? Is he still living with you? Has he gotten help for his depression?
Before hubs passed, he was very depressed and angry. It was hard, like a dark cloud looming in the house. I knew something was not right with him, but he wouldn’t address it. I couldn’t convince him, he was unmovable. I had no control over his choices. He kept pushing me away. Maybe deep down inside he knew and was preparing me? Who knows?
So, I went about living. I had to, for myself and my son.
Life certainly has its challenges. There is still much beauty to be found and much to be thankful for. Each breath we take is a blessing and an opportunity to step forward.
I know you work very hard for your students and your sons. I hope you are able to take some time for yourself to rest and breathe and find some peace.
I hope your home is safe from the rains and mudslides. What a terrible tragedy.
Life is hard, and short and unpredictable.
Take each day at a time sweet lady. I hope you are well.
I am also sorting through papers and old photo albums. Looking back on those golden years. I am thankful for those times we had together as a family. I can only go back and reminisce, but my focus is on making golden moments in the here and now. It is my dad’s stoicism that moves me forward. “The past is the past”, he would say. “What’s done, is done.”
There are things we cannot change and have no control over. What we can do, you and I and anyone else following along, is try our darndest to live the best rest of our lives.
Thank you Feeling for checking up on me, I have missed you.
(((Hugs)))
Leafy

 

[Feeling Sad]

I am not doing very well. In June, it will have been 3 years since I saw my ill son. Yes, I realize that I did the only thing that I could do at the time to keep my youngest son safe, but I miss him so very much. He is still circling my town, visiting other surrounding towns in his dilapidated car. I know this by our joint bank account activity. He is probably as skinny as a skeleton now. He told me once that when he ran off to Washington, he would sleep in a residential area, parking in front between two houses, as to not draw attention to himself. I will never see him again.

My middle son is still not working or going to school. It has been 8 months. He is, at times, reminding me of my ill son in his early years with his illness. I am petrified. I am hopeless. I am in the depths of despair.

I do not push him out because he does not mind being homeless. I would truly lose it if a second son developed schizophrenia. I apologize for sounding so selfish. It is much worse on the person who develops schizophrenia than a family member watching it. But, I do not think that I could watch a second son slowly slip into psychoses.

My ill son tried so hard to overcome and fight it. But, it took him over slowly. I saw less and less of 'him'. His voice and mannerisms were replaced by a bizarre stranger. I watched 2 sisters and then my eldest son taken over by this insidious disease. I am strong, but I feel like I will not make it through another round.

I am doing well at school and have applied to 5 summer teacher seminars with stipends back east. I am trying to...frantically...busy my mind by writing essays. I don't know if I could even go if I am accepted. I do not know how he will be by then.

Yes, I can hear you saying that I am acting like I did before with my ill son. I just can't bear the thought of losing another son to schizophrenia. I am starting to give him ultimatums about taking a class (academic or recreational), voluntary work, or part time work...anything. He is still on antidepressants, but he refuses to see a therapist. Yes, his dog has helped him a lot. But, his whole life revolves around his dog. He doesn't want to be away from him for too long. He stays in his room with him or takes him for walks.

I have been divorced from my second husband for almost 10 years. I am profoundly lonely, but am too over-whelmed to even think about dating. I don't have it in me to be 'fun'. My youngest son is doing great, but I rarely am able to see him. He has a good life and is busy with his work and friends. It is as it should be.

My middle son probably just has severe depression, but there are times that he acts like my eldest son in his early years with his illness; repeating silly things over and over, talking about nonsensical things, staying in his room, and sleeping. He doesn't hear voices, but he is acting very differently.

I despise mental illness. I have been dealing with schizophrenia in family members for over 50 years. I sometimes wish that I had let the Washington Post do that article, but it would not have been comfortable for my sons. I have written several senators and news journalists, but have only received one response from an assistant. I am trying to get the broken mental health system addressed, but to no avail...

I am so sorry that it has been so very long. I just ache so much. It is difficult to write. My teaching helps me immensely. I can help others. My students are wonderful. I am just putting one foot in front of the other...

 

[Copabanana]

Hi feeling. I am so sorry for all this pain and worry. I am struggling with some of the same with my son. The only thing I come to is to do as you do, try to find peace and meaning where I can and try to not catastrophize by staying in the present by doing what gives me pleasure and calm.

There is no other way that I have found.

 

[Tanya M]

Hi Feeling, thanks for checking in with us and letting us know what's going on.

I'm so sorry for how you are feeling.

I think what Copa said is very true about catastrophizing. Try and stay in the present time and do try and find something that brings you joy.

My teaching helps me immensely. I can help others. My students are wonderful. I am just putting one foot in front of the other...

I'm so glad you have your teaching and yes, you are helping others. Because of what you have experienced with your sons and your own family I'm sure you have an empathy and compassion that most would not.

Hang in there!!!
Sending you ((HUGS))

 

[BusynMember]

All of us care and want to support you. in my opinion we can "see" updates better if a new thread is started. Next time perhaps you may like to do that as often people skip long threads and you don't deserve that.

I think you are doing an amazing job with challenges that are extremely emotionally devestating. We are here to listen.

Love and hugs.

 

[ksm]

When I see you post on here, I always look at your update. You have been through so much... Ksm

 

[RN0441]

Feeling Sad:

I don't know what to say to you. You have truly been through more than most human beings could endure.

Just offer my support and prayers to you. Please be good to yourself.

 

[Sam3]

I am also sending all the positive energy I can to you. This is so heartbreaking and unfair.

If there’s nothing else your eldest can accept, he has your undying love. I hope he can feel that, at least in glimpses.

I hope it helps that we know you are always doing your best. And that we are also hoping for a peaceful outcome for your family.

 

[magnolia26]

I'm so sorry for you.

I know you love your son but this man is not the child you hold in your heart right now. He is a dangerous, grown man who has had delusional thoughts of harming you.

you can't change that by giving him shelter. Please protect yourself and your younger son. My thoughts and prayers go out to you. My therapist said to me, almost every session, "You deserve peace in your home." You do.

 

[New Leaf]

Hello Feeling, I am so glad you checked in and sorry for all that is going on. You have lived through so much my dear friend.

I am starting to give him ultimatums about taking a class (academic or recreational), voluntary work, or part time work...anything. He is still on antidepressants, but he refuses to see a therapist. Yes, his dog has helped him a lot. But, his whole life revolves around his dog. He doesn't want to be away from him for too long. He stays in his room with him or takes him for walks.

I am glad you are talking to your son about doing something. I understand your fear about pushing him out. His not minding being homeless. We can only do what we can live with. I was thinking about a conversation I had with a man at the vets awhile ago. His wife couldn't bear being away from her fur baby. They were able to see a therapist, who certified the dog as a companion dog (or something like that) that her current mental state allowed her to register the dog as a service dog. Maybe this could be motivation for your son to seek help? Just a thought.

but there are times that he acts like my eldest son in his early years with his illness; repeating silly things over and over, talking about nonsensical things, staying in his room, and sleeping. He doesn't hear voices, but he is acting very differently.

Feeling, this is a lot to handle in your home. When Hubs became ill, his personality changed. He was very sullen and angry, and eventually distanced himself. It was difficult to say the least to live with. I watched him slowly slip away from me. This added to my grief when he passed, but I had to forgive myself for trying my best to communicate with him, and when that didn't work, I had to find ways to lift myself up and keep going.
It must be so hard for you to come home and deal with your son in a depressed state. It is very emotionally and spiritually draining when your loved ones go "inside themselves". Add to that the memories you have with your sisters, your son. This is a lot for you to process. I hope your son will seek help, for him, and for you.

I am so sorry that it has been so very long. I just ache so much. It is difficult to write. My teaching helps me immensely. I can help others. My students are wonderful. I am just putting one foot in front of the other...

Don't apologize for not posting. Post when you feel like it. I will always look for your post, and no biggie about a new thread........when you post here, it pops up on my alert.
Some days it is all we can do to put one foot in front the other. You are a bright, shining light and you have much to offer. You matter, and your peace of mind and heart, matters. My heart and prayers go out to you. I hope that you are able to find some respite from the ache. Life can be so hard at times, but there is still much beauty.
I have not heard from my two for quite some time. It is hard, but I find when I pray for them to find their potential, it helps. I feel they do not come around, because they know I will not house them, while they are using. It hurts to know they are out there, doing Lord only knows what, but like your situation, the alternative is impossible.
Prayers going up for strength for both of us to carry on.
Many warm hugs.
Leafy

 

[Feeling Sad]

Thank you, everyone, for your kind words. It helps immensely that I have a 'place' to visit for support and respite. I can't shock anyone here or be embarrassed. We have all gone through similar heart-wrenching ordeals.

Leafy, you must be going through so much. Yes, it is very difficult not knowing...not knowing if they are healthy or if others are taking advantage of them. I know that small things trigger my memories of my ill son. I still keep a box of foil, a beat-up bath rug, and a pair of broken scissors...all things that he purchased for me. His old room is long and and skinny. I use it to store things of his, my mother's, my father's, and my brother's. I have a multitude of boxes of things. I donated a ton and gave things away. But, some things are just too difficult to part with, for often silly little reasons. When I go in there, I can only work and sort for an hour or so, before it all catches up with me.

We miss our children, the way that they once were. They have changed for different reasons, but in a lot of ways, they are still helpless and in need of our guidance. But, their dangerous behaviors and lack of insight precludes any possible help.

Yes, we all need to think of our well-being and health. The stress is catching up with me. I bet that it is difficult for you to come home after work, as well. Probably when your son is off and about, you miss Hubs the most. I know that you had your difficulties. But, you have to remember that you had many, many wonderful years. Years to look back on and cherish. I wish that I had such memories. My fondest memories are of my children when they were little and of my childhood before age 11 when my sister became schizophrenic. It is becoming more and more difficult to remember good times. My class is very challenging, but they make me laugh every single day. For this, I am very grateful to them.

Everyone on this site has to act against their parental instincts to protect their own health and, even, safety. Yes, we ache to help our grown children. But, when they are adults, there is less that we can do, especially when mental illness and /or addiction is involved.

Copa, I am saddened to hear that you are still experiencing pain from your son. I am glad that both you and Leafy have found ways to heal your hearts. You are both very strong women. I still think of your column dressing when I shop. Tunics are very popular now...

I hope that we all are able to find calm in the storm. Leafy, I still remember that wonderful ocean themed free verse that you wrote. You are a gifted writer. God's peace to all. I feel very angry these days, but I still find that giving my problems to a higher source helps.

 

[New Leaf]

Leafy, you must be going through so much. Yes, it is very difficult not knowing...not knowing if they are healthy or if others are taking advantage of them

It is hard at times Feeling. I try to channel my stoic Dad, his favorite saying was “It is what it is”. He had a quote from Epictetus that Mom sent us after he passed. “Seek not to have things happen as you choose them, but rather choose that they should happen as they do, and you shall live prosperously.” That’s a fancy way of saying “ happens.”
In our case and many others here with troubled adult children, we don’t have any control over what they choose. It is hard to separate ourselves from the circumstances of mental illness and addiction. But, I am determined not to go down with despair. I have found much peace in giving it to God and praying he watch over my two and my well children and grands.

I know that small things trigger my memories of my ill son.

Aw yes, the small things. I try to focus now on the precious time I had raising my kids and the blessings we shared. I hope that they can reflect on that as well. Recovering writes of living with gratitude, and I think that’s a wonderful way to switch things around. Being thankful for the small things helps. It is because those big issues around my two are too much to bare, and out of my control.

But, some things are just too difficult to part with, for often silly little reasons.

I have held on to a few things of hubs, his favorite beach towel. I am gleaning over my falling apart photo albums and was surprised at how many duplicates I had, or not so good photos. I couldn’t bring myself to look at them before. Now, I am feeling a bit stronger. So many wonderful memories. How did the years go by so quickly?

But, their dangerous behaviors and lack of insight precludes any possible help.

Unfortunately, this is true. I am a “trigger” for my two as well, Feeling. I am painfully aware that I am an “opportunity” for them. Not to get better, but to remain as is. That’s no good for them, or me.

My fondest memories are of my children when they were little

Me too. I think it is okay to relish those memories and find peace in knowing we did the best job we could. They grew up and stuff happened. I think what must be hardest for you is that mental illness is not a choice, in a way, I guess neither is the addiction gene. But, mentally ill can get help and often do. Same for addicts. So here we are Little Bird. Two loving moms with adult kids out there. It is painful, but what can we do? I just keep praying. I have to remind myself that it is enough. That if I am asking in faith, it is enough.

My class is very challenging, but they make me laugh every single day. For this, I am very grateful to them.

I am glad you find joy in your work. Now, to try to spread that in to other areas. Are you still exercising Feeling? I find that super important for me.

I hope that we all are able to find calm in the storm. Leafy, I still remember that wonderful ocean themed free verse that you wrote. You are a gifted writer

You are sweet Feeling, thank you. We can find calm in the storm. It does take work. You are worth it.

I feel very angry these days, but I still find that giving my problems to a higher source helps.

You are faced with so much. I think it would help if your middle son would make an effort to help himself.
Me too, praying and having faith that God works miracles. We may not see them, but they are happening all around us.
We have spring break soon. What will you do Feeling? I am going to work in my garden. I hope you are able to take some time for yourself to refresh and relax.
Much love and hugs to you sis,
Leafy

 

[newstart]

I am new to this site. I have a son who is 35 and has paranoid schizophrenia. He lived in his car for a year 10 years ago in a different state because I had gone into his room when he was not home due to flooding. After a year, he returned home. He told me later that " a man kept following him" up there. I got an apartment for him, but he did not charge his phone and would not let us in the gated complex. He did not go to schoo, see friends,l or work. After 4 months he came back home to live.
I have been trying in vain to get him to see a doctor for the last 9 years. I have 2 sisters with schizophrenia and am a special education teacher. I feel guilty because of my DNA, as well as, not being able to help my son while I am able to help others.
He has become increasingly more violent by threatening to kill me and destroying a lot of things. My youngest son is 23 and keeps a knife by his bed for safety. My ill son stabbed my kitchen cabinets and threw objects with such force that they would go through the vinyl flooring to the cement.
The game changer came when he had destroyed the 3rd computer. I became tighter with money and refused to go out with him until he got help. After 10 days of being firm, I said no again to going out to get fast food. He then said that he would have to break something. He started drooling, which he does when he is really psychotic. My youngest son came around the corner and gave me a look as if inquiring, "What is wrong?" I smiled and waved him off because I did not want him to get hurt. He was just leaving. I went around the corner to watch t.v. to try to diffuse the situation. He then started singing, "Ding Dong the Witch is Dead". He talks to voices in his room and does not know that I can hear him through the walls. After a while of his talking to his voices I heard him say, "I don't want to kill her. She's my mother". Then he said,"Uh uh. I understand."
Three rounds of this and I ran out to my car. My son had complied with his voices in the past and my sister did when I was little. I asked for a crisis trained officer but was told that I will get who is nearest. The 3 officers had no empathy and refused to even go into the house. They said that legally they could not do anything because he had not threatened me to my face. I said that he has in the past many times. In fact I had called them 2 years ago when he had threatened to cut my face up. At that time they just told me to evict him. I begged them to help me because he had threatened to kill me several times if I call the police and he saw us out the window. They told me to get a restraining order the next day.
My youngest son and I spent 6 days in a hotel while I went to court for an emergency restraining order. I spoke with numerous agencies to try and get an involuntary trreatment in place. I was scared of my son, but also scared for my son.
While the plan was in action, I was kept down the street. My youngest son let a behavioral health worker in while 5 officers secretly took positions. The worker tried to talk to my son through his door for about 5 minutes and there was no response. Then the police grabbed him and pulled him out. He made up a lie about talking out loud when he writes and that he was only joking about killing me. Although he has not worked, gone to school, or seen friends in 9 years, they said that he was acting okay and did not qualify for hospitalization. They served him with the restraining order that had a move out order and then escorted him out of the neighborhood in his car.
I have been told by several therapists that it was a very dangerous situation and to change the locks and put in an alarm system. I am very nervous and have had nightmares. I cannot tell you how it feels to be afraid of your own son. I have read that paranoid schizophrenics who kill usually kill the mother and it is often while the mother is trying to get her son into treatment.
My heart is breaking. My son is now homeless, ill, and scared. He will not go to a shelter because he is afraid of people. I do not know where he is. I can't sleep and cry all the time. Crazy as it sounds, I drove around twice trying to find him. I know that I had to keep my 23 year old son safe, but I am going crazy with fear of my other son being hurt or killing himself. He can't come home because of the restraining order. I have been told that if I am lucky he will be arrested or brought in due to strange behavior. I need help...

Feeling sad, I am so sorry for your situation. I wish you could relax just a little so you can listen to your intuition guiding you to do what is best and next for you and your son. Sometimes I believe my 35 year old daughter acts more ill just to torment me or to harrass me. Sometimes I think she acts like she does just to keep me on edge. Recoveringenabler has posted a detaching post. Please read it, it has helped me so much. I have printed it out and study it on a daily basis, it is moving me ahead and helping me detach from my daughters dramas and financial irresponsibilities. It is a slow process for me but I am getting there. My goal is to have peace in my heart no matter what my daughter chooses. My daughter is on the severe spectrum so this is hard for me to do but in reality it is the ONLY thing that will bring me peace. I truly believe that once I let go she will sense deep inside of her that she can't torment me and start to take that energy and do some self growth, should she decide to continue on her destructive path, well hopefully she will learn from it and if she does not, I can't control that either. I did not cause her illness, I cannot cure her illness and for sure I cannot control it. I send you love and compassion in abundance.

 

[Feeling Sad]

I have been on an emotional roller coaster. My middle son went off of his antidepressants. He continues to refuse to see a therapist. He loves his dog, but it has been a year, and he has not gone back to finish his last semester or try to find a job, or even volunteer. He still talks about suicide or wanting to be homeless again. He has a large inheritance from my parents, so he is great financially. He speaks of having my youngest take his beloved husky...so that he may commit suicide or go back to being homeless. His room and bathroom are a mess and he does very little around my house to help.

I cannot tell how sad I feel. I am just on autopilot. I have had a very difficult student this year. He is 8 and has just started being seen by a psychiatrist. I found out last week that he wants to kill me and his mother. He actually grabbed a knife and stopped short of breaking the skin on her arm. They have locked up all of the knives at home. I have to watch out for sharp pencils and, as always, only use rounded scissors. His mother is in denial. All day he is disruptive and defiant. My other students are wonderful. One of my past paraeducators was stabbed with a pencil in another class. Then I come home and have my middle son perseverating about nonsensical things and never doing anything. I cannot handle any more craziness. I have had to deal with it for over 50 years. I just want normal. Just normal.

He wants me to kick him out. Yes, I know that I am repeating history. But, he wants to kill himself. How could I experience any peace by kicking him out? He wants to be homeless or kill himself. I cannot kick him out because I feel like it will be my breaking point. I have never met my breaking point, but I could not handle it. I am worn out after dealing with family members having mental illness for most of my life. Then, I would have 2 sons that are homeless. I haven't seen my eldest schizophrenic son in 3 years.

My heart is breaking. I pray every day that my middle son is not becoming schizophrenic. I haven't felt like dating because I am so depressed since my divorce almost 10 years ago and am profoundly lonely. I rarely see my youngest because he is happy and busy, which is the way it should be. I was accepted and am traveling back east for another teacher seminar. I will stay longer to take in more travel...and be away longer. I am trying to pull myself out of the depths of despair.

I am sorry that it has been so long. How are you, Leafy and Copa? Do you have any plans for the summer?

 

[Copabanana]

Hi feeling.

I am so very sorry your life is so hard. I am so very sorry middle son is in this place.

Truly. I do not know what to say. Except I am glad this academic year is ending, so you will be free of this dangerous student. And congratulations for your scholarship, and the vacation you will have.

I know middle son is ill. But he is being mean. He is scapegoating you and holding you hostage to his illness.

My son did this too. He is not doing it anymore. For that I am grateful.

It seems you feel confident to travel to leave your son alone. Maybe this offers a way forward. Can you subdivide your house, to make separate quarters for him? In that way give him freedom and insulate yourself. Just put a small fridge and microwave in his space. We even put in an additional exit door.

Son is deliberately torturing you.
Telling you about the dog. Get mad.

I am thinking of going to a.a. Even though I do not drink. I believe I am addicted to my son. I want peace too.

Take care, feeling.

 

[New Leaf]

Hi Feeling, I am so sorry you have had such a difficult year, all of this stuff just piling up. I am glad the school year is coming to a close and you will be traveling. Good for you.
I agree with Copa that your middle son is torturing you, dragging you into his despair. It is similar to my drug addicted two. They tried every which way to entangle me.
Mental illness is not a choice. But neither is any illness or addiction. People do find ways to seek help, to try to get well. In that way there is a choice, I believe.
There was a program here about doctors giving mentally ill homeless folks some kind of shot that helped them. The difference was remarkable. But of course, they had to be willing to accept the treatment. I am sorry your middle son is not willing to get help.
Yet.

I am glad you posted, I have missed you.
My two are still out there. I have seen Rain here and there, but not Tornado. She left my grands and has not been around since last summer. Rain is distant and does not speak much at all to me.
I pray for my two and my grands. It helps me to calm my fears and sadness.
I don’t want to spend the rest of my life waiting for them to come to their senses, to find themselves.
I do have a mission to find me. I am tired too, Feeling, and not getting any younger. I had a really bad virus a few weeks ago that made me feel absolutely terrible.
It put things in perspective, body aches and no energy, couldn’t even lift my aching head up. That scared me. When I finally started to feel a bit better, I felt like it was a second chance, to grab my life back. That’s my goal.
I can’t change anything for my two. I have let go of that notion.
Summer is here for us, last day of school was 5/31. Yay! I will stay home and paddle, garden and sort through stuff.
I am still trying to get organized .
Planning a short trip back east in the fall.
Feeling, let us know how you are doing, how your trip goes. I hope you are able to take your mind off of the heavy stuff. Do something nice for you. There’s some awesome antique shops back east.
I bought some little paintings online, to try to inspire my inner artist. Bright colorful flowers, textured with a palette knife, very simple, yet elegant.
I redid a bathroom in beach tones, seagreen and white. A friend gave me a bunch of mosaic tiles, so I am going to create a seascape backsplash. (I hope). I even splurged on an octopus toilet paper holder, and sea glass switch plate covers.
Have I gone overboard? Maybe.
But I like it.
I am trying to do little things to help those good sighs come to the surface.
I hope you can do the same Feeling. You matter. The rest of your life matters.
Aloha dear sister. I hope you check in again soon.
(((Hugs)))
Leafy

 

[Feeling Sad]

You guys are like true sisters, even though we have never met. You are always there for me.

Copa, that idea is a good one. So, your son lives with you in separate quarters? He is doing better? You deserve some peace. Funny the word 'hostage kept coming to mind as I wrote...

Leafy, I have 4 1/2 more days, but who's counting? Yes, one student can make the whole year very difficult. I am sorry that your daughter left her children and that you haven't seen her for a year. That must be horrible for you. Your grands are lucky that they have you in their life. How is your son?

I know what you are talking about when you feel very physically ill and weak and get a burst of emotion to do more with your life....to not waste any more time. It reminds us that we are only on the Earth a short time.

I went through this when the doctors feared that I would lose my memory or be paralyzed on the right side when they removed my brain tumor. I remember talking with God and trying, if I had to have one of these options, which would I'd rather have. Dumb, isn't it? They were both bad. I figured that losing my memory would be the worst. Incidentally my 3rd roommate in the hospital had lost her memory.

But, when I awoke after surgery, I had neither option. I stayed up all night because I was so very excited to be alive. I didn't die, I wasn't mentally challenged, nor did I lose my memory or become paralyzed. I felt such an indescribable joy. Pure joy. I felt the same way that you did after recovering from your serious virus.

I didn't want to change back, but I let my life drag me back down. I feel mad at myself sometimes. I feel that I have been able to help hundreds of students. But, I have lost that joy. I hope and wish that we all can get back to that place in our hearts.

I had a virus over Memorial Day weekend. Do you know what made me feel better? Playing 60's music on t.v. It took me back to a happier time...

Your bathroom sounds gorgeous. I want to paint mine the same color. In fact, I have a paint chip in there right now in "Seashore"! No joke. I LOVE the ocean. My house is antiques and nautical..

Take care, sisters.

 

[Copabanana]

My son is here now, but we won't let him live with us because he has a mj habit he won't yet confront.

I did put in the 2nd door to make one wing of the house a separate apt, but we have thus far not restricted him to it because we do not want to encourage his comfort here as long as he is using pot. (He becomes moody, reactive and aggressive after use.)

The thing with your son is that you want him near, protected and stable--but you and he both need separation. And you need limits. Boundaries.

I would stick up for myself with him : When you tell me things like xxx, I feel very sad and scared.

And make distance. This is a natural consequence.

He does not want to be a jerk. He is a good person. Do not let him mistreat you. Mental illness is not an excuse for bad behavior.

The single greatest thing I did (most positive effect with my son) was when I set limits when he would tell me upsetting things. I told him: I will not talk to you about xxx. And I followed through.

He changed. Some. He became more self aware. He developed restraint. He stopped inflicting his moods on me. When he saw he had control, he felt better. Acting better, with decency and respect, led to greater self-control and he did not seem to indulge himself so much.

These guys have way too much time on their hands. It frustrates me.

I wish you would go to al anon or codependents anonymous, to get support to take care of yourself better.

I know you are afraid. But there are NO circumstances, none, that warrant being mistreated.