Feeling Sad
Well-Known Member
Leafy, how are you doing? I just saw on the news about the hurricane bearing down on the islands. My thoughts and prayers are with you and yours. Stay safe.
Feeling Sad---Son is Homeless
- Thread starter Feeling Sad
- Start date
Copabanana
Well-Known Member
Hi Feeling
I am worried about her too. She had an evacuation plan, and had prepared provisions to last her. And she had in advance decided at what danger point she would leave home. I think it had to do with wind force. It seems that the hurricane itself has weakened and is weakening more. But the danger now is rain, huge amounts, and the landslides that accompany it.
New Leaf says she lives in a heavily wooded area, and that her fear is a tree falling. But I think I remember she is by a hill, too.
She was thinking through shelters to which she could bring her animals. I believe she will be okay, god willing, but the added concern is that she may be called upon to be a first responder.
I know she knows how many of us are concerned. And I know she will check in as soon as she is able.
How are you? How is your new class? How is middle son?
The air here has been atrocious. At night I have coughing fits, and have to use a rescue inhaler. What are we doing to ourselves and our planet?
I am always glad to see that you have checked in.
I am worried about her too. She had an evacuation plan, and had prepared provisions to last her. And she had in advance decided at what danger point she would leave home. I think it had to do with wind force. It seems that the hurricane itself has weakened and is weakening more. But the danger now is rain, huge amounts, and the landslides that accompany it.
New Leaf says she lives in a heavily wooded area, and that her fear is a tree falling. But I think I remember she is by a hill, too.
She was thinking through shelters to which she could bring her animals. I believe she will be okay, god willing, but the added concern is that she may be called upon to be a first responder.
I know she knows how many of us are concerned. And I know she will check in as soon as she is able.
How are you? How is your new class? How is middle son?
The air here has been atrocious. At night I have coughing fits, and have to use a rescue inhaler. What are we doing to ourselves and our planet?
I am always glad to see that you have checked in.
New Leaf
Well-Known Member
Hi dear sisters, we are okay for now. The wind is picking up a bit with sporadic gusts, enough to flicker the lights. Lane is slowly moving north west, which is good. The Big Island has had landslides and rivers running over banks, some flooding.
We live in a valley, on the side of a cinder cone. Had a big washout some years ago, that was tough. I am resting after a long day of prepping the yard, moving potential flying objects. I will be up soon to load my truck if we need to evacuate. I hope not, but safety is first. I will keep you guys posted when I am able. Thank you so much for your thoughts and prayers
I hope you are well, Feeling. I have missed you. Thank you for checking in. Please take care and let us know how you are doing.
(((Hugs)))
Leafy
We live in a valley, on the side of a cinder cone. Had a big washout some years ago, that was tough. I am resting after a long day of prepping the yard, moving potential flying objects. I will be up soon to load my truck if we need to evacuate. I hope not, but safety is first. I will keep you guys posted when I am able. Thank you so much for your thoughts and prayers
I hope you are well, Feeling. I have missed you. Thank you for checking in. Please take care and let us know how you are doing.
(((Hugs)))
Leafy
Feeling Sad
Well-Known Member
Greetings! How is school going, Leafy? I am thankful that I am forced to get out of bed, help others, have deadlines, and take my mind off my sons' mental health during my workday. It is very difficult, but it is very helpful, as well...
Hugs,
Feeling
Hugs,
Feeling
New Leaf
Well-Known Member
Hi Feeling! Oh my goodness, so much to do. It is good, I agree to have a set schedule. I admit, going back to work is getting harder as years go by. There is so much to be done at home. I am looking forward to retiring and have to remind myself that I am grateful to have a job, that I have a paycheck. Every year is a bit more challenging, kids nowadays are different, parenting is changing, shifting, towards an attitude of “my kid needs to be happy all the time” and it is evident with each new crop of kindergarteners. Many of them have very little boundaries, or respect for adults.
I am glad you checked in Feeling. Miss you!
I am off for a quick walk, then some cross training, work and paddling this afternoon. I find the movement so essential.
I have discovered CBD oil, which has helped with my aches (arthritis), and has a calming effect.
With all the business of paddling and coaching, my house is a mess, but that can wait.
I am glad that work helps you to shift focus, Feeling. I hope that your students (and parents) are not difficult this year. Thank God for teachers like you, who are gifted to work with our special kids. You are amazing sis!
(((Hugs)))
Leafy
I am glad you checked in Feeling. Miss you!
I am off for a quick walk, then some cross training, work and paddling this afternoon. I find the movement so essential.
I have discovered CBD oil, which has helped with my aches (arthritis), and has a calming effect.
With all the business of paddling and coaching, my house is a mess, but that can wait.
I am glad that work helps you to shift focus, Feeling. I hope that your students (and parents) are not difficult this year. Thank God for teachers like you, who are gifted to work with our special kids. You are amazing sis!
(((Hugs)))
Leafy
Feeling Sad
Well-Known Member
You are very correct about how parents and children are changing. I have a few major behavior issues in class, but so far, no major issues from parents. Some parents and their children have little respect for teachers. Sometimes, parents excuse their child's poor behavior or blame other students or the teacher. Sadly, some children have little or no support from home. When teachers retire, the only thing they don't miss are the parents. I have had wonderful, helpful parents, but I also have had ones that argue about everything.
Did that last storm affect you? I saw something very briefly on the news. I hope that you are doing okay. You sound like you are in great shape! The best I do is 40 minutes on my slim glider...
My middle son just stays at home. It has been over a year. He has threatened suicide and at other times says that he wants to be homeless. At those times he says that he wants my youngest son to take his beloved dog. There have been a few times that he drives off and I am worried for hours about what he is doing.
Yes, you are correct, he doesn't realize how bad he is and refuses therapy or medications. I feel that my health is going down due to stress and profound grief. My eldest used to fight against the onslaught of schizophrenia. There are times that my second son reminds me of him and I feel that my heart will break.
If he has schizophrenia, he got it from my genes. I keep wishing that I had not told him about the restraining order against my eldest son until he graduated college. He didn't come home to visit because my ill son had a falling out with him and would become very violent. My middle son did not want that to happen. He fell apart after my eldest son's restraining order. Major trauma can bring on schizophrenia if you are predisposed.
On a lighter note, on a fluke, I bought tickets to London. They were only $469 round trip. I have never been overseas and always thought that I would go with a husband or boyfriend. Well, I have been too stressed and sad to even consider dating. I just thought, that I would go alone and have fun. I plan 3 days in London, 2 in Edinburgh, 2 in Paris, and 1 more in London, and then back home. I am going during the week off for Thanksgiving and will just miss 2 days of school.
I asked my friend, but she is going in May with her husband. I then casually asked a friend who is a special education aide at school. They don't earn a lot and her husband works off and on as a painter, so I told her that it would just be $300 for the 8 days of hotels because it is not much more to add a person. Then another friend who is an aide wanted to go. A few days later, one more asked to go. I have booked cancelable single, double, triple, and now quad rooms. I am exhausted, but we will have a great time and we all need a break.
One aide's sister is schizophrenic and has threatened to kill her mother, one has a cousin who is schizophrenic currently in a hospital due to planning to kill her family, and the third aide's father in law is schizophrenic. People often go into helping fields; nursing, social work, Special Education, when they experience special needs or mental illness in a family member.
I am probably busying myself to postpone or ward off grief. I just figure that I am not getting any younger. My middle son quipped that we are like the movie, "The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants", then he quickly added, that it was more like "Mama, Mia"...probably due to our age...
Did that last storm affect you? I saw something very briefly on the news. I hope that you are doing okay. You sound like you are in great shape! The best I do is 40 minutes on my slim glider...
My middle son just stays at home. It has been over a year. He has threatened suicide and at other times says that he wants to be homeless. At those times he says that he wants my youngest son to take his beloved dog. There have been a few times that he drives off and I am worried for hours about what he is doing.
Yes, you are correct, he doesn't realize how bad he is and refuses therapy or medications. I feel that my health is going down due to stress and profound grief. My eldest used to fight against the onslaught of schizophrenia. There are times that my second son reminds me of him and I feel that my heart will break.
If he has schizophrenia, he got it from my genes. I keep wishing that I had not told him about the restraining order against my eldest son until he graduated college. He didn't come home to visit because my ill son had a falling out with him and would become very violent. My middle son did not want that to happen. He fell apart after my eldest son's restraining order. Major trauma can bring on schizophrenia if you are predisposed.
On a lighter note, on a fluke, I bought tickets to London. They were only $469 round trip. I have never been overseas and always thought that I would go with a husband or boyfriend. Well, I have been too stressed and sad to even consider dating. I just thought, that I would go alone and have fun. I plan 3 days in London, 2 in Edinburgh, 2 in Paris, and 1 more in London, and then back home. I am going during the week off for Thanksgiving and will just miss 2 days of school.
I asked my friend, but she is going in May with her husband. I then casually asked a friend who is a special education aide at school. They don't earn a lot and her husband works off and on as a painter, so I told her that it would just be $300 for the 8 days of hotels because it is not much more to add a person. Then another friend who is an aide wanted to go. A few days later, one more asked to go. I have booked cancelable single, double, triple, and now quad rooms. I am exhausted, but we will have a great time and we all need a break.
One aide's sister is schizophrenic and has threatened to kill her mother, one has a cousin who is schizophrenic currently in a hospital due to planning to kill her family, and the third aide's father in law is schizophrenic. People often go into helping fields; nursing, social work, Special Education, when they experience special needs or mental illness in a family member.
I am probably busying myself to postpone or ward off grief. I just figure that I am not getting any younger. My middle son quipped that we are like the movie, "The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants", then he quickly added, that it was more like "Mama, Mia"...probably due to our age...
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Nature
Active Member
Hello Feeling,
I have thought of you often over the past couple years. What we experienced at the hands of our sons, the fear, the pain and the PTSD that went along with it. - I love my job and would function somewhat normally at work and would focus on it 100%. However, after my work day my mind would not stop thinking 24/7 about my son. The evenings were the worst and as my partner works long hours I was alone until the evening. I lived in total fear for several years, still had my panic button, alarm system and large dogs always near my side. I isolated myself and ceased to experience any kind of joy. I stopped celebrating any holiday .. Thanksgiving, Christmas.. became like any other kind of day. My eldest celebrated the holidays with his father (different dad than my youngest.) I started developing ailments that in retrospect probably are all stress related. In the evenings I would cry a lot over what had become of my son, I would think of your children and many others of those who I felt a kinship with on this forum. The only thing that gave me solace were my animals. I have been involved in rescue for many years and have a private sanctuary with a variety of special needs/senior pets.
Slowly, I started doing things that I enjoyed previously or hadn't done before. I took up dance after the urging of a friend to go with her. I started visiting a friend or two again, my parter and I started socializing more and rejoined a club we both had enjoyed in the past and I went on my first vacation since 2010. Leafy, if you're reading this I visited Hawaii after receiving an invitation from my dear friends who live there. Gawd I love it there and am blessed to have met so many wonderful people. As for my friends, I have never met a gentler kinder couple in my life and would often tell them my happiest moments was when I stayed in their home when they previously resided in the Pacific Northwest. They had moved to Hawaii many years before and had always left the door open for me to visit.
I spent New Years at the Volcano (partner who visits his family abroad yearly had also urged me to go on a vacation). I use the word urge a lot in these past sentences because I did need a push to get out of my slump. I smiled and felt joy for the first time in years. Now after my long ramble back to you. I am so thrilled you are going on a vacation!! You need it! It will revitalize you - you mind, body and most importantly your soul. Yes, we often hear or give the advice to take care of YOU and it's so true. It gave me time to heal and view things with more clarity.
So enjoy your vacation my friend, , experience the sights, marvel at the architecture, eat the wonderful food and feel the weight of the world lift off your shoulders and learn to smile again.
I have thought of you often over the past couple years. What we experienced at the hands of our sons, the fear, the pain and the PTSD that went along with it. - I love my job and would function somewhat normally at work and would focus on it 100%. However, after my work day my mind would not stop thinking 24/7 about my son. The evenings were the worst and as my partner works long hours I was alone until the evening. I lived in total fear for several years, still had my panic button, alarm system and large dogs always near my side. I isolated myself and ceased to experience any kind of joy. I stopped celebrating any holiday .. Thanksgiving, Christmas.. became like any other kind of day. My eldest celebrated the holidays with his father (different dad than my youngest.) I started developing ailments that in retrospect probably are all stress related. In the evenings I would cry a lot over what had become of my son, I would think of your children and many others of those who I felt a kinship with on this forum. The only thing that gave me solace were my animals. I have been involved in rescue for many years and have a private sanctuary with a variety of special needs/senior pets.
Slowly, I started doing things that I enjoyed previously or hadn't done before. I took up dance after the urging of a friend to go with her. I started visiting a friend or two again, my parter and I started socializing more and rejoined a club we both had enjoyed in the past and I went on my first vacation since 2010. Leafy, if you're reading this I visited Hawaii after receiving an invitation from my dear friends who live there. Gawd I love it there and am blessed to have met so many wonderful people. As for my friends, I have never met a gentler kinder couple in my life and would often tell them my happiest moments was when I stayed in their home when they previously resided in the Pacific Northwest. They had moved to Hawaii many years before and had always left the door open for me to visit.
I spent New Years at the Volcano (partner who visits his family abroad yearly had also urged me to go on a vacation). I use the word urge a lot in these past sentences because I did need a push to get out of my slump. I smiled and felt joy for the first time in years. Now after my long ramble back to you. I am so thrilled you are going on a vacation!! You need it! It will revitalize you - you mind, body and most importantly your soul. Yes, we often hear or give the advice to take care of YOU and it's so true. It gave me time to heal and view things with more clarity.
So enjoy your vacation my friend, , experience the sights, marvel at the architecture, eat the wonderful food and feel the weight of the world lift off your shoulders and learn to smile again.
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BusynMember
Well-Known Member
Feeling Sad I dont usually interfer with your kind supportive thread but I hope you don't mind if I do to maybe make you feel a little better.
Your middle son is depressed but there is depression that never turns into anything else. Most doesnt. But really bad depression can make one act like your son is acting.
A new possible option for your son. My daughter who used drugs once uses Kratom, an over the counter tincture for depression and swears by it. Its not medication but it has great reviews on Amazon and Daughter loves it. Maybe he would be open to taking a tincture. I have depression and would have gone this route if I had known about it back in the day.
There are many tinctures for depression including CMB or D???
I hope you take a vacation and have fun.
Love and light!
Your middle son is depressed but there is depression that never turns into anything else. Most doesnt. But really bad depression can make one act like your son is acting.
A new possible option for your son. My daughter who used drugs once uses Kratom, an over the counter tincture for depression and swears by it. Its not medication but it has great reviews on Amazon and Daughter loves it. Maybe he would be open to taking a tincture. I have depression and would have gone this route if I had known about it back in the day.
There are many tinctures for depression including CMB or D???
I hope you take a vacation and have fun.
Love and light!
New Leaf
Well-Known Member
Hi Feeling so nice to see you check in. We were not affected by the storm in Oahu, thankfully. There was some very damaging flooding on the Big Island, Maui and Kauai. My heart goes out to those folks who lost their homes and lifestyle.
I am so sorry for this most difficult situation with your middle son. Hopefully, he will try to help himself. I have bouts of depression, well, more like slumps as Nature put it, brought on by life circumstances, but have managed to pull myself up. There is so much to be thankful for. So many people have health issues and struggles.
It is a hard thing to have that dark cloud hanging over.
Feeling, you are an amazing woman!
I am excited that you are planning an adventure to London! I am not so daring. I don’t have the travel bug at all. Nature, your trip to Hawaii sounds wonderful. I love the islands, probably why I don’t think of traveling, I am content where I am. Although, New Zealand and Ireland look tempting to me! Maybe one day.
I hope this day brings you peace.
(((Hugs)))
Leafy
Ps, the CBD oil is helping with my aches, and also has a calming affect.
I am so sorry for this most difficult situation with your middle son. Hopefully, he will try to help himself. I have bouts of depression, well, more like slumps as Nature put it, brought on by life circumstances, but have managed to pull myself up. There is so much to be thankful for. So many people have health issues and struggles.
It is a hard thing to have that dark cloud hanging over.
Feeling, you are an amazing woman!
I am excited that you are planning an adventure to London! I am not so daring. I don’t have the travel bug at all. Nature, your trip to Hawaii sounds wonderful. I love the islands, probably why I don’t think of traveling, I am content where I am. Although, New Zealand and Ireland look tempting to me! Maybe one day.
I hope this day brings you peace.
(((Hugs)))
Leafy
Ps, the CBD oil is helping with my aches, and also has a calming affect.
Copabanana
Well-Known Member
Feeling. Hi. Your trip sounds marvelous. You will have a wonderful time. So great that you will have friends with you. It really demonstrates how we can take charge of some piece of our lives, just like that, with a click. Tickets bought. And then opening up to others. That took courage to do that.
My son is homeless now and does not want any communication with me. It came down to setting a boundary, and he reacted badly. He wanted to use all his money for marijuana, and none to pay us for rent. I was watching him walk around his neighborhood in a stupor, barely able to walk, and I could no longer subsidize that. When we said leave, he squatted. He did not recognize how terrified and traumatized I was getting, and neither did I. One day I went into the backyard, my backyard, and he was asleep in the back corner on the lawn. I was terrified. Other things happened. The cops were called many times. Finally, he left my town.
For a couple of months, I was relieved. I felt I had myself back, the potential for a life. In the past few days I feel intense grief, which was ushered in because I sought some contact by text. He is pissed, it seems since I had asked him to change his address. He will not tolerate any boundary, without a backlash. I wish now I had not sent that text but it is so hard to keep getting all these bills, for irresponsible and thoughtless actions he takes, and no taking of responsibility. I reacted. I regret that now.
So, in the past few days he has rejected my texts. Leave me alone. I will die by January or February. Live your life. That kind of thing.
I have no place to stand in myself to withstand this. At first I tried to volley, but it was false. I was pretending to be somebody else. Somebody who was not bereft. Somebody who was strong. Somebody who did not have skin the game.
Today, I have no place to stand.
Feeling. We have no place to stand. That is the reality. There is no safe place to stand. I know why you tolerate your middle son. I know why your eldest had to leave. I know why your only real safe place is your work, that you that is there is a strong and real voice.
I am beginning to see this as having channels. The only thing I can do is to change the channel and try to live from a place where the pain is out of my thoughts. Whether that is a kind of denial I am not sure. Or it may even be a strange kind of acceptance. That the only way to go on is to make the decision to live from another place, outside of relationship to my son.
I keep thinking: what could I have done, should I have done, to be living from a different result for my son. Like I have the power. The responsibility and all of this could have been averted by "right" acts by me. This could be so, maybe not. But my son seems either unable or unwilling to see or try to change the channel for himself. And this gives me heartbreak.
My son is homeless now and does not want any communication with me. It came down to setting a boundary, and he reacted badly. He wanted to use all his money for marijuana, and none to pay us for rent. I was watching him walk around his neighborhood in a stupor, barely able to walk, and I could no longer subsidize that. When we said leave, he squatted. He did not recognize how terrified and traumatized I was getting, and neither did I. One day I went into the backyard, my backyard, and he was asleep in the back corner on the lawn. I was terrified. Other things happened. The cops were called many times. Finally, he left my town.
For a couple of months, I was relieved. I felt I had myself back, the potential for a life. In the past few days I feel intense grief, which was ushered in because I sought some contact by text. He is pissed, it seems since I had asked him to change his address. He will not tolerate any boundary, without a backlash. I wish now I had not sent that text but it is so hard to keep getting all these bills, for irresponsible and thoughtless actions he takes, and no taking of responsibility. I reacted. I regret that now.
So, in the past few days he has rejected my texts. Leave me alone. I will die by January or February. Live your life. That kind of thing.
I have no place to stand in myself to withstand this. At first I tried to volley, but it was false. I was pretending to be somebody else. Somebody who was not bereft. Somebody who was strong. Somebody who did not have skin the game.
Today, I have no place to stand.
Feeling. We have no place to stand. That is the reality. There is no safe place to stand. I know why you tolerate your middle son. I know why your eldest had to leave. I know why your only real safe place is your work, that you that is there is a strong and real voice.
I am beginning to see this as having channels. The only thing I can do is to change the channel and try to live from a place where the pain is out of my thoughts. Whether that is a kind of denial I am not sure. Or it may even be a strange kind of acceptance. That the only way to go on is to make the decision to live from another place, outside of relationship to my son.
I keep thinking: what could I have done, should I have done, to be living from a different result for my son. Like I have the power. The responsibility and all of this could have been averted by "right" acts by me. This could be so, maybe not. But my son seems either unable or unwilling to see or try to change the channel for himself. And this gives me heartbreak.
Feeling Sad
Well-Known Member
You are very correct about how parents and children are changing. I have a few major behavior issues in class, but so far, no major issues from parents. Some parents and their children have little respect for teachers. Sometimes, parents excuse their child's poor behavior or blame other students or the teacher. Sadly, some children have little or no support from home. When teachers retire, the only thing they don't miss are the parents. I have had wonderful, helpful parents, but I also have had ones that argue about everything.
Did that last storm affect you? I saw something very briefly on the news. I hope that you are doing okay. You sound like you are in great shape! The best I do is 40 minutes on my slim glider...
My middle son just stays at home. It has been over a year. He has threatened suicide and at other times says that he wants to be homeless. At those times he says that he wants my youngest son to take hus beloved dog. There have been a few times that he drives off and I am worried for hours about what he is doing.
Yes, you are correct, he doesn't realize how bad he is and refuses therapy or medications. I feel that my health is going down due to stress and profound grief. My eldest used to fight against the onslaught if schizophrenia. There are times that my second son reminds me of him and I feel that my heart will break.
If he has schizophrenia, he got it from my genes. I keep wishing that I had not told him about the restraining order against my eldest son until he graduated college. He didn't come home to visit because my ill son had a falling out with him and would become very violent. My middle son did not want that to happen. He fell apart after my eldest son's restraining order. Major trauma can bring on schizophrenia if you are predisposed.
On a lighter note, on a fluke, I bought tickets to London. They were only $469 round trip. I have never been overseas and always thought that I would go with a husband or boyfriend. Well, I have been too stressed and sad to even consider dating. I just thought, that I would go alone and have fun. I plan 3 days in London, 2 in Edinburgh, 2 in Paris, and 1 more in London, and then back home. I am going during the week off for Thanksgiving and will just miss 2 days of school.
I asked my friend, but she is going in May with her husband. I then casually asked a friend who is a Special Education. aide at school. They don't earn a lot and her husband works off and on as a painter, so I told her that it would just be $300 for the 8 days of hotels because it is not much more to add a person. Then another friend who is an aide wanted to go. A few days later, one more asked to go. I have booked cancelable single, double, triple, and now quad rooms. I am exhausted, but we will have a great time and we all need a break.
One aides sister is schizophrenic and has threatened to kill her mother, one has a cousin who is schizophrenic currently in a hospital due to planning to kill her family, and the third aide's father in law is schizophrenic. People often go into helping fields; nursing, social work, Special Education, when they experience special needs or mental illness in a family member.
I am probably busying myself to postpone or ward off grief. I just figure that I am not getting any younger. My middle son quipped that we are like the movie
Did that last storm affect you? I saw something very briefly on the news. I hope that you are doing okay. You sound like you are in great shape! The best I do is 40 minutes on my slim glider...
My middle son just stays at home. It has been over a year. He has threatened suicide and at other times says that he wants to be homeless. At those times he says that he wants my youngest son to take hus beloved dog. There have been a few times that he drives off and I am worried for hours about what he is doing.
Yes, you are correct, he doesn't realize how bad he is and refuses therapy or medications. I feel that my health is going down due to stress and profound grief. My eldest used to fight against the onslaught if schizophrenia. There are times that my second son reminds me of him and I feel that my heart will break.
If he has schizophrenia, he got it from my genes. I keep wishing that I had not told him about the restraining order against my eldest son until he graduated college. He didn't come home to visit because my ill son had a falling out with him and would become very violent. My middle son did not want that to happen. He fell apart after my eldest son's restraining order. Major trauma can bring on schizophrenia if you are predisposed.
On a lighter note, on a fluke, I bought tickets to London. They were only $469 round trip. I have never been overseas and always thought that I would go with a husband or boyfriend. Well, I have been too stressed and sad to even consider dating. I just thought, that I would go alone and have fun. I plan 3 days in London, 2 in Edinburgh, 2 in Paris, and 1 more in London, and then back home. I am going during the week off for Thanksgiving and will just miss 2 days of school.
I asked my friend, but she is going in May with her husband. I then casually asked a friend who is a Special Education. aide at school. They don't earn a lot and her husband works off and on as a painter, so I told her that it would just be $300 for the 8 days of hotels because it is not much more to add a person. Then another friend who is an aide wanted to go. A few days later, one more asked to go. I have booked cancelable single, double, triple, and now quad rooms. I am exhausted, but we will have a great time and we all need a break.
One aides sister is schizophrenic and has threatened to kill her mother, one has a cousin who is schizophrenic currently in a hospital due to planning to kill her family, and the third aide's father in law is schizophrenic. People often go into helping fields; nursing, social work, Special Education, when they experience special needs or mental illness in a family member.
I am probably busying myself to postpone or ward off grief. I just figure that I am not getting any younger. My middle son quipped that we are like the movie
Feeling Sad
Well-Known Member
For some reason, it posted twice and it was too late to delete it. Thank you, all, for your continued support. Nature, you are right. It is hard to live with alarms and cameras. Yes, I need a break and a time to dezone. I love work, but at times, it is stressful. I worry during all of my down time when I have more time to think. I have become more anxious. When bad things happen, I guess that it makes you feel that more bad things will happen. I feel sadness and helpless during my off times. Copa, you are right. I do feel stronger at work because I can help children become smarter and more self-confident there. At home, my middle son doesn't want my help. Hopefully, it is depression and not early schizophrenia. Before, my eldest ill son didn't want my help. Leafy, I will try your oil. Here's to feeling calmer. I put peppermint lotion on at night and it helps me to relax.
Copa, I am very sorry that you are going through this turmoil. You did not do anything wrong. So stop retracing or regretting your actions. Do you remember what you have told me many times in the past? They are the only ones that can control their actions. I read a quote once and it was something like, "They will get better or worse regardless of what you did or didn't do". We are all emotionally battered. You are not in denial. All of us on this site are trying to find a way to carry on after traumatic experiences and extreme grief. We should not ever be hard on ourselves. But, better said than done.
Yes, Leafy, I would like to go to Ireland, too. I do not have time to squeeze it in. There are ferries from England to Dublin and from Scotland to Belfast.
The first one on my dad's side came over in 1720 at age 20 from England. He had a doctorate and taught in the colonies to pay for his passage as a voluntary servant. I am related to Queen Anne, Queen Mary II, and William the Conqueror. I also have Scottish royalty in me. I have often wondered if the mental illness in my family came from royal inbreeding.
My schizophrenic son has mild hemophilia, which runs in royal families. He has never had it rechecked. It was discovered when he took his senior trip. He had to stop surfing and roller hockey. At first, when he stayed in his room, I thought that he was depressed, but it was the beginning of schizophrenia.
I love history and architecture. I had a great time on my teacher seminars. Leafy, which route is shorter for you if you flew to Ireland? My youngest is going to Japan with friends while I am gone.... My sons are half Japanese. We will be on opposite sides of the world.
Life is short. I am pushing myself, but I am glad that I did. My ill son, back before his illness, was the sweetest child. He had the kindest nature. If he was in his right mind now, he would want me to be happy. I find it difficult not to feel guilty when I am happy because he is in the prison of his tortured mind. I hope that he has moments of insight and knows that his family loves him. I am afraid of him and miss him terribly.
Copa, I am very sorry that you are going through this turmoil. You did not do anything wrong. So stop retracing or regretting your actions. Do you remember what you have told me many times in the past? They are the only ones that can control their actions. I read a quote once and it was something like, "They will get better or worse regardless of what you did or didn't do". We are all emotionally battered. You are not in denial. All of us on this site are trying to find a way to carry on after traumatic experiences and extreme grief. We should not ever be hard on ourselves. But, better said than done.
Yes, Leafy, I would like to go to Ireland, too. I do not have time to squeeze it in. There are ferries from England to Dublin and from Scotland to Belfast.
The first one on my dad's side came over in 1720 at age 20 from England. He had a doctorate and taught in the colonies to pay for his passage as a voluntary servant. I am related to Queen Anne, Queen Mary II, and William the Conqueror. I also have Scottish royalty in me. I have often wondered if the mental illness in my family came from royal inbreeding.
My schizophrenic son has mild hemophilia, which runs in royal families. He has never had it rechecked. It was discovered when he took his senior trip. He had to stop surfing and roller hockey. At first, when he stayed in his room, I thought that he was depressed, but it was the beginning of schizophrenia.
I love history and architecture. I had a great time on my teacher seminars. Leafy, which route is shorter for you if you flew to Ireland? My youngest is going to Japan with friends while I am gone.... My sons are half Japanese. We will be on opposite sides of the world.
Life is short. I am pushing myself, but I am glad that I did. My ill son, back before his illness, was the sweetest child. He had the kindest nature. If he was in his right mind now, he would want me to be happy. I find it difficult not to feel guilty when I am happy because he is in the prison of his tortured mind. I hope that he has moments of insight and knows that his family loves him. I am afraid of him and miss him terribly.
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New Leaf
Well-Known Member
I miss my two as well, Feeling. It is no comparison to schizophrenia, but I know their minds are askew with years of meth use. These are hard circumstances we both live with, but alive we are and there is so much to live for.
I am not even sure what is the closest route to Ireland. I think I would fly to the east coast. Speaking of which, I am going for a short visit for our fall break to see Mom. I love New England in the fall.
Feeling, I am trying to come to terms by building emotional boundaries for myself. I am also looking at the past when the kids were young, not so much a lamentation, but a celebration of the good times we did have. That is how I am working through the grief with Hubs passing. So, I figured that maybe it would help with this grief over my two.
We have no control over these circumstances. Not one iota.
I am glad you are pushing yourself, you are so very worth it. I think it is a wonderful model for your middle son, that you are working through the grief and thriving.
Check in when you are able, it is so nice to “see” you dear sister!
(((Hugs)))
Leafy
I am not even sure what is the closest route to Ireland. I think I would fly to the east coast. Speaking of which, I am going for a short visit for our fall break to see Mom. I love New England in the fall.
Feeling, I am trying to come to terms by building emotional boundaries for myself. I am also looking at the past when the kids were young, not so much a lamentation, but a celebration of the good times we did have. That is how I am working through the grief with Hubs passing. So, I figured that maybe it would help with this grief over my two.
We have no control over these circumstances. Not one iota.
I am glad you are pushing yourself, you are so very worth it. I think it is a wonderful model for your middle son, that you are working through the grief and thriving.
Check in when you are able, it is so nice to “see” you dear sister!
(((Hugs)))
Leafy
Feeling Sad
Well-Known Member
It think that it is great to think of and cherish days when our children were sweet and innocent. I would call it bittersweet. You are right. Our wonderful memories can never be taken away from us. They are ours forever!
I, too, love New England in the Fall. I have been there twice. I love the architecture and beautiful scenery. I remember flying over at night, as the plane was going out over the coast, and circling around to prepare for landing at Portland, Maine. It was like a miniature fairy land with sparkling lighthouses, crashing waves on the rugged shores, and lit up quaint seaside cottages. That beautiful sight has been etched in my mind forever.
I love the Fall and it is even more splendid back there. I did a jack-o-lattern craft yesterday in my class. They had a great time. I live Halloween crafts. This is one of my most difficult classes ever, repleat with major behavior issues. But, I am strong and will persevere. It just makes it a lot more difficult to come home to my middle son and his issues. I yearn for no stress...
Copa, how are you doing? I hope that you are doing better. Take care, my sweet warrior sisters!
P.S. Copa, do you still do column dressing?
I, too, love New England in the Fall. I have been there twice. I love the architecture and beautiful scenery. I remember flying over at night, as the plane was going out over the coast, and circling around to prepare for landing at Portland, Maine. It was like a miniature fairy land with sparkling lighthouses, crashing waves on the rugged shores, and lit up quaint seaside cottages. That beautiful sight has been etched in my mind forever.
I love the Fall and it is even more splendid back there. I did a jack-o-lattern craft yesterday in my class. They had a great time. I live Halloween crafts. This is one of my most difficult classes ever, repleat with major behavior issues. But, I am strong and will persevere. It just makes it a lot more difficult to come home to my middle son and his issues. I yearn for no stress...
Copa, how are you doing? I hope that you are doing better. Take care, my sweet warrior sisters!
P.S. Copa, do you still do column dressing?
Copabanana
Well-Known Member
Hi Feeling.
I still keep it in mind but find that a lot of the time I want to do something different, like have sweater and top in one tone, and bottoms in the complimentary shade, kind of. Like aqua/turquoise top and reddish brown bottom. But most of the time lately I am indifferent and wear a uniform, of sorts.
I am struggling, Feeling. When I wake up in the morning, I feel I want to die. If the truth be told. Most days I am able to overcome this despair but not always.
My son has completely rejected me and wants no contact at all. He did not respond to a birthday text I sent. This despair I feel colors my feeling about my whole life. I scorn myself. All of the love and hope I felt when I adopted my son and raised him, seems to have been a mirage. I truly felt that our love redeemed us, one to the other. Now it feels like a joke. My son seems to have been overcome by his history. And me, by my own.
I am beginning a practice of prayer in the morning and I did this today upon arising. It helped. I cried. And it felt like a cleansing.
Thank you for asking.
Our lives are incredibly hard. While my life has had many, many blessings, at the core of me, I am very sad. Thank you for thinking about me, and asking.
I hope you are well. And I hope middle son is doing OKAY. I am sorry it is so hard for us, Feeling.
New Leaf
Well-Known Member
Hi ladies,
It has been some time since I have written on these pages. I had a lovely trip back east and enjoyed some incredible foliage. It is truly a sight to see God’s handiwork in the fall.
It is an important goal I am striving for, being thankful and living with gratitude for the blessings in my life. I have come to think that through troubling times, I have to try with all of my might to focus on what gains I have rather than losses.
My visit with my Mom reaffirms this, she is well, considering her health challenges, but is vexed at times over little things and fixates. There is a definite change in clarity and confidence. I am glad that my sister is there to help her.
Mom is 26 years older than I. That fact hones in as I look back and realize how fast the years have flown by, as I grow older, the years are going faster.
Life is so very short.
It is what it is.
So cliche, but so true.
My mind shifts to the circumstances of my two and I swallow it down like a sideways pill, stuck in my craw. There is nothing I can do about their choices, but wait for that discomfort in my throat to dissipate, wash down the bitter pill of reality with prayer and more prayer. I think the hardest part of all of this is grieving for loved ones who are still living. With each new episode, the tapes roll and the process renews itself. With each day, turning to weeks and months of no contact, I am faced with wondering how they are, and again washing down that lump in my throat with more prayer.
One of the questions that keeps flashing through my mind is.....“What am I supposed to learn from this?”
I think the answer for me at least, is that we all are set with the task to come into our own. Find ourselves and our relationship to spirit, know our strengths as well as our weaknesses and strive for better.
I will fail and fall, hopefully I will rise. One of Moms favorite sayings, “There by the grace of God, go I.”
I hope to have many more years on this earth to try.
Copa, I am sorry for your loss and the despair you are feeling. I have been there many times over. I think it is good to recognize it, which you do so poignantly in your replies. When these feelings wash over, it is difficult to even breathe.
Please don’t be so hard on yourself, or the life that you lived raising your son.
What can be done about his choices now? That is what it is, his choices, his path.
It should not take away from all of the good things you both had. The love you gave him and still feel for him.
I know it is hard when our beloveds go silently into their world. Time apart leaves so many unanswered questions. That void can play tricks on our heart and mind, causing us to question everything, fog sets in and our life seemingly stands still, while we are engulfed by swirling thoughts that lead to despair.
You both have come so far, Feeling and Copa. I have every confidence that you will be well and rise above.
There really is no other choice for us. No matter what the circumstances with our beloveds, there is no other choice for us, but to buckle down, put our noses to the grindstone and carry on.
Live life fully.
Be the change.
I imagine my two may feel that because I don’t seek them out, house them, or give way to manipulation, that I have abandoned them, or the hope that they see the light.
There is nothing further from the truth.
I truly believe that our rising above the sadness and despair, grabbing our own lives back, is testimony to our beloveds that they can do the same.
The choices they are making now, cannot erase the love and joy felt raising them.
Nor shall it prevent us from living with purpose and gusto.
Let the winds and rains of sadness rush through us and wash us clean.
We shall flourish like a deep rooted tree standing through the storms.
That we should languish?
That would be a loss for us all.
Then, darkness wins.
It’s unacceptable.
Stay in the light dear sisters.
Love to you both,
Leafy
It has been some time since I have written on these pages. I had a lovely trip back east and enjoyed some incredible foliage. It is truly a sight to see God’s handiwork in the fall.
It is an important goal I am striving for, being thankful and living with gratitude for the blessings in my life. I have come to think that through troubling times, I have to try with all of my might to focus on what gains I have rather than losses.
My visit with my Mom reaffirms this, she is well, considering her health challenges, but is vexed at times over little things and fixates. There is a definite change in clarity and confidence. I am glad that my sister is there to help her.
Mom is 26 years older than I. That fact hones in as I look back and realize how fast the years have flown by, as I grow older, the years are going faster.
Life is so very short.
It is what it is.
So cliche, but so true.
My mind shifts to the circumstances of my two and I swallow it down like a sideways pill, stuck in my craw. There is nothing I can do about their choices, but wait for that discomfort in my throat to dissipate, wash down the bitter pill of reality with prayer and more prayer. I think the hardest part of all of this is grieving for loved ones who are still living. With each new episode, the tapes roll and the process renews itself. With each day, turning to weeks and months of no contact, I am faced with wondering how they are, and again washing down that lump in my throat with more prayer.
One of the questions that keeps flashing through my mind is.....“What am I supposed to learn from this?”
I think the answer for me at least, is that we all are set with the task to come into our own. Find ourselves and our relationship to spirit, know our strengths as well as our weaknesses and strive for better.
I will fail and fall, hopefully I will rise. One of Moms favorite sayings, “There by the grace of God, go I.”
I hope to have many more years on this earth to try.
Copa, I am sorry for your loss and the despair you are feeling. I have been there many times over. I think it is good to recognize it, which you do so poignantly in your replies. When these feelings wash over, it is difficult to even breathe.
Please don’t be so hard on yourself, or the life that you lived raising your son.
What can be done about his choices now? That is what it is, his choices, his path.
It should not take away from all of the good things you both had. The love you gave him and still feel for him.
I know it is hard when our beloveds go silently into their world. Time apart leaves so many unanswered questions. That void can play tricks on our heart and mind, causing us to question everything, fog sets in and our life seemingly stands still, while we are engulfed by swirling thoughts that lead to despair.
You both have come so far, Feeling and Copa. I have every confidence that you will be well and rise above.
There really is no other choice for us. No matter what the circumstances with our beloveds, there is no other choice for us, but to buckle down, put our noses to the grindstone and carry on.
Live life fully.
Be the change.
I imagine my two may feel that because I don’t seek them out, house them, or give way to manipulation, that I have abandoned them, or the hope that they see the light.
There is nothing further from the truth.
I truly believe that our rising above the sadness and despair, grabbing our own lives back, is testimony to our beloveds that they can do the same.
The choices they are making now, cannot erase the love and joy felt raising them.
Nor shall it prevent us from living with purpose and gusto.
Let the winds and rains of sadness rush through us and wash us clean.
We shall flourish like a deep rooted tree standing through the storms.
That we should languish?
That would be a loss for us all.
Then, darkness wins.
It’s unacceptable.
Stay in the light dear sisters.
Love to you both,
Leafy
Copabanana
Well-Known Member
Yes.
Yes.
I can't do it, New Leaf. I am failing.
Yes.
Thank you.
Feeling Sad
Well-Known Member
I am so very blessed to have such friends. With your strong and eloquent renderings of rising above our sorrow, one cannot help but feel better. Just knowing that I am not alone in my despair, makes my burden lighter . Thank you!
I have had ups and downs. I put money in the joint account that I share with my son once a month. When I was online, I saw a purchase being processed from a Walmart just over the hill. I was already dressed and planning to eat at that center. But, I got that urgent feeling of frenzy. I knew that he probably was still not there. I do not know what I logically planned to do if I did see him. Yes, it was dangerous and foolhearty. But, my mother's heart has not seen my beloved son in 3 1/2 years. I told myself that I just want to see him...to see my child's face and if he he has lost weight.
I frantically readied myself and rushed off. When I arrived at the very large parking lot, I was driven to go up and down each row. I did not want to miss any. I could not miss any. Even those further away could have yielded his car. So, on I drove... I know that it was crazy, but my schizophrenic son out there alone in the world is crazy-making. Yes, he is an adult and very dangerous, but he is also very child-like. I felt upset with myself, but I could not stop.
What would I have done if I saw him or his parked car? He surely would have run away if he saw me. I didn't plan to go up to him, but in all honesty, I do not know what I would have done. Yes, I felt very sad that day. I felt a small amount of peace knowing that only hours earlier, my son had been there. I cannot harshly judge myself because it is sheer torture to both miss and fear your own child.
Today, I put money in again. He once more had a pending purchase from the same store. But, this time I stayed strong. I did not have the crazy stirrings to rush there. It hurt too much the last time. I stayed strong. I know that he is still out there. I am very fortunate to know that he is alive. He moves daily to a new town. Is it his voices telling him to keep moving? Is he trying not to be seen by the police? I do not know. But, he is alive. I need to be grateful. I am blessed to know that. My mom used to say, "Let go and let God". I have no choice , but to do this. None of us have a choice in this. We need to be strong and live our lives the best that we can. Carry on, dear sisters.
I have had ups and downs. I put money in the joint account that I share with my son once a month. When I was online, I saw a purchase being processed from a Walmart just over the hill. I was already dressed and planning to eat at that center. But, I got that urgent feeling of frenzy. I knew that he probably was still not there. I do not know what I logically planned to do if I did see him. Yes, it was dangerous and foolhearty. But, my mother's heart has not seen my beloved son in 3 1/2 years. I told myself that I just want to see him...to see my child's face and if he he has lost weight.
I frantically readied myself and rushed off. When I arrived at the very large parking lot, I was driven to go up and down each row. I did not want to miss any. I could not miss any. Even those further away could have yielded his car. So, on I drove... I know that it was crazy, but my schizophrenic son out there alone in the world is crazy-making. Yes, he is an adult and very dangerous, but he is also very child-like. I felt upset with myself, but I could not stop.
What would I have done if I saw him or his parked car? He surely would have run away if he saw me. I didn't plan to go up to him, but in all honesty, I do not know what I would have done. Yes, I felt very sad that day. I felt a small amount of peace knowing that only hours earlier, my son had been there. I cannot harshly judge myself because it is sheer torture to both miss and fear your own child.
Today, I put money in again. He once more had a pending purchase from the same store. But, this time I stayed strong. I did not have the crazy stirrings to rush there. It hurt too much the last time. I stayed strong. I know that he is still out there. I am very fortunate to know that he is alive. He moves daily to a new town. Is it his voices telling him to keep moving? Is he trying not to be seen by the police? I do not know. But, he is alive. I need to be grateful. I am blessed to know that. My mom used to say, "Let go and let God". I have no choice , but to do this. None of us have a choice in this. We need to be strong and live our lives the best that we can. Carry on, dear sisters.
Feeling Sad
Well-Known Member
I leave on my trip in 10 days to London, Edinburgh, and Paris. I have never been. I will be traveling alone because my coworkers were not able to go with me. We were celebrating Thanksgiving early tonight because my youngest son will be in Japan with his friends while I am in Europe. While I was there, I found out that his girlfriend's sister and husband will be on my flight and will be going to London and Edinburgh the same days. We will meet up for a dinner or 2. Then, I am off to Paris and they are going to Oslo.
