Feeling Sad---Son is Homeless

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Feeling Sad, Jul 7, 2015.

  1. Elsi

    Elsi Active Member

    I understand the impulse to go searching. I’m glad you are staying strong. And your trip sounds fabulous! Enjoy!
  2. Feeling Sad

    Feeling Sad Active Member

    Greetings. My close friend lost her house in the fires. She is a teacher and just retired because she is losing her sight. She just spent thousands remodeling her house to sell because she has to move into town before she loses her sight. She is such a strong woman. Years ago, she lost her son, like my bff.

    A friend's daughter was at the Borderline shooting and climbed out of the broken window to save her life. She is very scraped up, but alive.

    Three days until my solo trip to Europe. I don't feel like going, but I will not to lose money. I am making a large care package with new clothing and jewelry for my friend who lost her home. I have shopped a lot with my grief over my son and have about 15 years of gifts stored for friends. I am 'shopping' in my store and she will receive all of her gifts early. Something to take my mind off of things and be proactive...
  3. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    You will have a great time. You always do.

    I feel pain for your friend going blind. Will insurance not now reimburse her for her upgrades to the house and all of her contents and her home itself? And now she is spared all of the work. I am not trivializing the pain. But these events that wipe out all of the stuff to which I cling, is it destruction or is it liberation? I am struggling with the burden of "stuff."

    The trials that have visited us in California. Like plagues. Fires and massacres. And private suffering. Who knows what to think? What to feel?

    I am glad you have your trip, Feeling. Tomorrow I should see my son. We are meeting in a City maybe an hour from me, and two from where he has been homeless.

    It is four months since I have seen him. His living in the property I own had become intolerable for me. He invested nothing in making it work. I had to absorb all of the responsibility. I had to take all that he dished out. It was all of it, accommodating to him, to his interests, to what he wanted and needed. It was a dictatorship and I was the oppressed.

    I could not walk away from this reality, at the end. And I had to fight my way out of it. He resisted leaving. There were cops, multiple times. I came to experience him as somebody of whom I was afraid.

    But expelling him was not an answer for me. Oh. How I suffered. And him, homeless these four months. So. We are in conversation about how he could come back, with this outcome in no way certain.

    Me, defining what is my absolute bottom line. Me, trying to find ways to put the responsibility in him,(how does one do that?) in an ongoing way, so that it is not just empty words, momentary promises, he uses as keys to the kingdom, the comforts and the support I can provide.

    So I am trying to look at this as just this: the resuming of conversation between us. Only that. And that I will have to tolerate this--because maybe this is all that it can be, for now.

    I am beginning to be anxious. It is easier to text; less easy to talk; harder still to anticipate seeing him, the person he has become. Every month, every year, farther away from the child I raised. Disheveled. Haunted. Disorganized. Tangential. Stuck.

    How do I not bring into myself all of this in the form of pain, or denial? How can I let him be, let him be himself, without making it into a tragic story about me? It is hard.

    Enjoy your trip, feeling. Be safe. I cannot wait to hear about it when you return. Be well.
    Last edited: Nov 11, 2018
  4. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    Feeling, my heart bleeds for all the hardships in recent days. Please go on your trip. You can do nothing by not. Your weary shoulders need a lift.

    Copa if you start your own thread, as I dont want to hijack this one, many of us including me will check in. I think you are on the right track maybe not for everyone, but for you.

    Hugs to both.
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  5. Feeling Sad

    Feeling Sad Active Member

    Yes, I will go on my trip. I will get through all of the work at school to go. I need to go. My mom never went because she wanted to lose weight. She was then bed bound for 7 years with rheumatoid arthritis.

    Leafy, you are so astute in your renderings. Yes, I will try to carry on... You are a gifted writer.

    Copa, I hope that everything works out for your meeting. You are correct to hold high expectatations. As a teacher, the higher the goals, the higher my students will rise. It is human to take the path of least resistance. But, as a parent, you hold responsible expextations. A person will rise to meet it. It is a clear compliment to give expectations. We are saying that they have both the intelligence and ability to meet it!

    Carry on!
  6. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    This sounds like me. Thank you for this.
  7. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    I am so very sorry. I'm sending hugs.
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  8. Feeling Sad

    Feeling Sad Active Member

    I am so sorry that it has been so long. I greatly enjoyed my trip. It was wonderful and all of the people were so very kind. There are a plethora of people out there who are kind and helpful. I will write more soon. I had to write 2 reports this week to protective services. It has been a long arduous week. I am going to Oslo, Stockholm, and Dublin during Spring Break. I want to go now while I can still climb the multitude of stairs in the castles and metros. My middle son is finally back on antidepressants. He is acting like my schizophrenic son in the early stages. My heart is breaking... I am going through the motions.

    My schizophrenic son lost his debit card. He is going in to cash a check for cash with the teller. I no longer know where he is by his debit card purchases. It was my one connection with him. Hopefully, he will use the address of a shelter to receive his new card. He does not like go up to people,; ie the bank teller.

    My class is putting on a play, we have Open House with an art show, and I have 2, yes 2, field trips in one week. One is to the symphony, where the students play their recorders in the audience. I have taught them to read music and play their recorders, but not the 3 songs yet, repleat with 3 sharps and flats. We are also going to an observatory, so I must teach them the unit on stars and planets. Going through the motions... Thank God that I must carry on, or I would truly break down with the grief. I hope that all of you are well. We are all champions.
    Last edited: Feb 16, 2019
  9. Tired out

    Tired out Active Member

    feelingSad. I am glad you enjoyed your trip. We need joy in our lives. Your trip to castles sounds wonderful.
    As for your sons. you can only do so much. The rest..let it go. you gave them tools they need to use them. If they don't there is nothing you can do about it.
    Visit the castles and enjoy what you see. think of all the people who walked through them before you and the people that lived there. Truly amazing.
  10. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    Hi feeling. Will get back to you. So pleased you loved your trip. There are kind people. Yes.

    I am so sorry your older son lost his card. He must be frightened. I can guess how hard this is for you to not have this one link to him. I think that anything that forces him to solve problems with other people has the potential to be a good thing. I am hopeful for you and him that he does what it takes to get the card reissued. It is reassuring that he continues to be okay. Is it almost four years, now?

    How very hard for you and middle son that his behavior seems to suggest he is falling into the same illness. But that is very good that he is back on anti-depressants. How did it happen that he consented to re-start the medication?

    Feeling. You are really fighting for yourself and your life. To give yourself pleasure and meaning and fun in the face of struggles and grief that would do in a lesser person. I am amazed that you are planning your next trip. Were you afraid to travel alone?

    I have gotten fascinated about the idea of taking cargo container ship cruises. There are typically rooms for a few to up to 12 people on those huge container ship freighters. They take a few passengers because that with the passengers on board they get preferential treatment of some sort, like going first, etc. The prices are cheap. Sometimes as little as $100 a day or less, with meals. The ships sail under non-USA flags, with non-USA crew. There is little time for seeing the ports. I know this would not appeal to most people. The main event here is the chemistry between the few passengers, the crew, and the ocean. I don't know if I have a secret "Joseph Conrad" part of me, or what. But the idea fascinates. There are thousands of these cruises, from a few days to 3 or 4 months around the world. I want to do this! Except I've developed a fear of heights and I would be afraid of the gangway. It's like going up and down a fire escape constructed of rope that is 7 stories. But I am very motivated to get over this phobia. For this very reason. I want to go on these ships.

    I think it's great that we are writing about fun and adventure. I think about you and I wonder how you are. I'm glad you checked in.
    Last edited: Feb 16, 2019
  11. Feeling Sad

    Feeling Sad Active Member

    Greetings! My trip was wonderful. Norway, Sweden, and Ireland were beautiful. The people were very kind and I loved the architecture and sights.

    I feel like I need to travel to busy my mind, go before I am too old to travel, or go now in case my middle son gets worse, so that I cannot travel.

    I was able to start counseling again. My therapist is male. At first, I was hesitant to have a male due to my ptsd. But, it is actually good to have a male's perspective.

    I am just going through the motions. Day by day on 'automatic pilot'. I am sad most of the time. I rarely see my youngest son. He is doing very well.

    Yes, Copa, it has almost been 4 years since I have seen my schizophrenic son. It is very difficult. In the beginning, I was petrified. I still have ptsd and a horrible startle reflex, but I ache for him. I miss my son. He has not applied for a new debit card, so now I just see bank withdrawals. I am further removed from him. But, he is alive and I KNOW that he is alive. It is so very difficult to realize that I probably will never see him again.

    Copa, tell me more about the trip that you want to take. It sounds very daring!

    Leafy, how are you doing? Are you counting the days, as well, until out break??? My class has been very difficult. It has been a very draining year.
  12. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    It has been so long, Feeling. I was wondering if you had left us altogether. I am so glad for you:
    And sad for you for this:
    As well for your fears about middle son. How is he doing?
    Well. The trips are kind of pie in the sky, but I will tell you the general idea.

    (I just looked back at my last post of a few months ago, and I see I am repeating myself, here. Sorry.)

    I have been reading the past year or so about two types of ocean voyage that intrigue me. The first is aboard container ships for cargo. There is an incentive for these ships to carry passengers on board (less than 12--to carry more would require a doctor on board) and at least 1. If they have a passenger they go to the head of the line to disembark, to go through the Panama or Suez canal, etc. The passengers eat with the ship officers in their dining room and socialize with them, if desired. The passengers will often stay in owners cabins which are very well equipped. These ships go places that passenger cruises will never go. The social amenities are the most basic, getting to know people, reading, watching the sea, movies, relaxation, etc. These are working ships so people are advised to bring old clothes, etc.

    The appeal here for me is the ocean, the immersion in another world, the immediacy of the experience and the ability to go to parts little seen. There are stops in ports but typically they are not lengthy. There are round the world voyages. These ships go virtually everywhere, all the continents. The idea that I could go round the world to all the continents, through the South Seas, around Africa, through the Suez and Panama canals, as I get older, is very appealing. There are age thresholds. Most companies limit travel to those under 76 or 80 but one company accepts people to 86. I like the idea of getting old doing something like this.

    My barrier is that I fear heights. And climbing up and down the gangway to enter and exit the ship feels to me to be terrifying. But I can imagine conquering this fear, little by little.

    The other type of sea voyage that appeals to me is something vastly different, what are called repositioning cruises. (I have never been on a passenger cruise and until very recently was uninterested in them.) A repositioning cruise occurs at a change of season, when a ship must relocate from one geographical area to another. For example, Alaska to Japan, or South America to Europe. Or Northern Europe to the Mediterranean, etc. There are hundreds of them. Repositioning cruises can take different routes than their counterparts. They are described as somehow different than regular cruises, in a way I can't quite absorb because I have never taken a cruise. These cruises mainly happen around Spring break and October and November, but some are in December, January, and February, too.

    One appeal is the cost. Prices drop as low as $33 or so a night with double occupancy. And typically but not always single supplements are double. All of the amenities of a cruise are included. The container ship prices are generally the same for singles and accompanied passengers and are reasonable. Like between $100 and $150 a day, I think.

    Do you want to go with me?

    The beauty of the container ship trips is you can pick them up at any point during the trip. You do not have to start where they start or end where they end. So you can pick the places you want to see and the dates you have available and find a voyage that fits.

    I think I am a strange bird. That most people would not be so much interested in sitting on a container ship while everybody worked. Too me, it's appealing. The adventure of it. Having to deal with circumstances, into which one is dropped. I guess it's like a prison. I had to do the same thing.

    My father was a merchant marine. I guess doing this would be a way to feel close to him.

    I'm glad you checked in Feeling. You sound good. I'm glad another year is about to come to an end. And I'm sorry it's been a tough year.

    New Leaf is not often here lately but she does come by every now and then. I know she will come back to respond to your post.
    Last edited: May 7, 2019
  13. Feeling Sad

    Feeling Sad Active Member

    Copa, you always make me feel better, my warrior sister. You are very well-read in both of these types of adventures. I think that they both sound wonderful. Not a prison at all, but rather, experiencing the freedom of the open seas.

    I feel that you could gradually overcome that fear of heights. I have to have a 50 minute M.R.I every year to check for any regrowth of my brain tumor. People freak out over the long containment in the small space. I just close my eyes and envision myself someplace else or think about antiques. Yes, you cannot close your eyes walking down a gangplank, but you are highly goal oriented. You will be able to work past that fear, to get to the goal of your trip. Look straight ahead. You are walking towards sights and treasures uncharted. You are extremely strong. Our troubled sons have inadvertently made us stronger.

    My only concern are pirates. Don't laugh. They attack ships in certain waters. If those areas won't be covered...then 'Anchors, away!" Bless you for inviting me. I get seasick.

    I am going to say a 3rd grade saying. ''I don't like the ocean...I LOVE the ocean!" It is restorative and calming. My favorite place to go to feel at peace is Ventura along the boardwalk . All of my troubles seem so small compared to the immense horizon. Copa, go on your trip! Either choice sounds marvelous. You will truly be a warrior sister...

    Greetings, RN0441! How are you doing?
    Last edited: May 7, 2019
  14. Feeling Sad

    Feeling Sad Active Member

    I mean, "Anchors aweigh!"
  15. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    This happens in East Africa. Frequently. That would not stop me. Imagine. Not being afraid of maximum security prisons and pirates but afraid of steps.

    Glad you posted, Feeling.
  16. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    On one of your land-based trips one day you might want company and I could join you. I like antiques too, but don't have any space. I have read that there are marvelous antiques to be had off the beater track in places like Argentina. Not in Buenos Aires but in cities where there are rich landowners. Because these countries were European colonies many beautiful things arrived there.

    If that's the case, there should be lots of countries like that. Remember. I speak Spanish. I have always wanted to go to Russia and to Spain, if you ever want to go there.

    I can imagine that Norway and Sweden were gorgeous, in particular. Where was your favorite place of all of them?
  17. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    Hi Feeling:

    All quiet on the homefront. I take each day with grace! Our son came home in November and so far it's been pretty good. I was terrified to let him come home. It was so hard for me.

    He did push some boundaries but now seems to be on track. He works full time and signed up for welding and pipe fitting class which is free here. It is crazy but the government pays for most trades because there is some big industry here (on Alabama coast now since July 2018) and they need skilled workers. The class starts in June and we do not yet know if he is accepted but if not he will keep signing up. He started out at a laborer job which turned out to be a sweat shop but he was dedicated and worked hard there for almost six months. We were shocked. Two things we had NEVER seen. Now he is at a grocery store and it's a tiny bit less money but he is treated like a human!

    One day at a time. Glad you are back. Trip sounds amazing!!

    I am still here with the intention of offering some hope to others or at least some strength or insight.:annoyed2:
  18. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    Hi Feeling,Copa, RN and anyone following along. Yes, I have been MIA here on CD, my apologies, life has gotten extremely busy with Son graduating and making college plans.
    Your trip sounds wonderful Feeling, you are one brave soul going out into the wide world! Copa, wow traveling the seas on container ships, that sounds super adventurous. More down to earth than a conventional cruise. The ship workers on board would be an interesting folk to meet. I am basically a hermit, preferring to stay close to the home front, for now. I am not that adventurous except for my paddling escapades. RN, so glad to hear your son is making a go of conventional living and bless you for being here and offering hope to others.
    I have been treading water so to speak since the mystery illness in December and the ensuing exhaustion. I am slowly rebuilding and am finding more energy.
    Got whammied again this past weekend with hubs Mom passing and reports of Rain hospitalized with gulp sepsis, she left against doctors recommendations. It has been quite some time since I have seen her. So, long story short, went to the park and found her and begged her to go back to the hospital, which she refused saying she had “made her choice.” She is to go to a clinic and check on her wound, which she calls park rot, aka cellulitis, or deep tissue infection. Her sister offered to take her in for a few days, so at least she could rest and shower. She refused that as well saying that she would be worried about her things.
    One caveat to the whole ordeal is that she is in contact with a social worker who is helping her get her essential paperwork. Son cancelled his plans and came along which brought back some intense memories for him. He said that he cannot take the stress of it, especially with all he has to prepare for.
    I am in that kind of numb daze that enables me to function. You know, like auto pilot. I am saddened by her situation and choices, fearful that she may not pull through, yet accepting that I cannot change her mind or move her to take better care of herself. Well, kind of accepting because to be else-wise is the end of my being. So I teeter totter between the edge of wanting to scream my bloody lungs out yet maintaining a calm zen like exterior.
    That’s hard work in of itself and I know you all know what I am talking about.
    She will be 40 this year. I have to accept that her lifestyle is conducive to ailing health and perhaps untimely passing. Sigh. What is one to do?
    Pray, lots and lots of prayer.
    Tornado is back in jail. She was caught with meth and drug paraphernalia. Complained to me that the police roughed her up pretty bad. I don’t find it surprising, she is quick with her mouth. I am not condoning that sort of thing, but as Son and I discussed that if one places themselves in that environment the chances of an altercation are greater. I don’t know how long she will be in, went through a week of her saying she was getting out on a plea and that she needed to come home (again the manipulation). I wobbled in my thought process, actually considering it for a nano second or two, then realized how truly impossible that is. She claims that rehabs are full (true), there are waiting lists. But, there are other places to go. We shall see how that pans out. She is enrolled in a court program called Hope that has more intense monitoring with probation. Only time will tell what she chooses.
    Oh guys, I just totally hijacked this thread. It just came spilling out on my keyboard. It has all been pent up, not lunch conversation for sure and my well children are tired of hearing the same old same old.
    Sometimes I feel like I am trapped in a Twilight Zone episode, one bizarre occurrence after another. It’s like a recurring nightmare. Am I to live with this until I react correctly, emotionally and physically?
    Definitely have to get back to my morning walks. That helped to sift all this through a logical Star Trek Spock mind.
    It is what it is.
    Deal with it.
    Float, float on.
    One day at a time.
    Love to all.
    Oh Feeling I am so proud of my Little Bird escaping the cage.
    You go girl!
  19. Kalahou

    Kalahou Active Member

    Feeling, good to see you back to check in, and for you to share that some things are going well (even while we know the painful things are still lurking, as with us all. ) Good to hear your trip went so well, and that you are keeping busy with your mind and travels. Your therapy sounds promising.
    I second Leafy's affirmations !!!
    Take care, dear. ~ Kalahou
  20. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    Hi New Leaf! First of all. I did not know (or remember) you had been ill. I would not have forgotten that. I feel sure.
    That's exactly what I think. And what I think is the appeal to me. The ability to be immersed in another world (and separate from the real one) and to join it in a way. Kind of like prison. Where I used to work.

    Oh no. I am so sorry. But angry that these women put you in this hard, hard spot, along side them. How do you detach from this?

    New Leaf. What are you to do? She is a fully grown woman. My son is 30 now. I maintain an attitude of the mother of a teenager, because he acts little more grown than this, but 30 used to be entering middle age. This is a wake up call. Eventually it is a question not only of acceptance, but respect of the right of another adult to live their life as they choose. I am getting there.

    There is the acceptance too that my life has value. That enough years have gone by, I won't say sacrificed, but in a way, they have been.
    Yes. I don't know if you have Salvation Army there, but they are all over the place here. They are considered by people who know to be excellent programs. I have called and for some Rehab centers there is not a wait. When she is ready to quit, she can. She does not need to come home to quit. That's a scam. She's using the magic words, that's all.

    New Leaf. I am glad you posted. I have wondered how and where you were.
    Last edited: May 10, 2019