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Feeling Sad---Son is Homeless
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<blockquote data-quote="Childofmine" data-source="post: 660933" data-attributes="member: 17542"><p>Feeling Sad, I am so sorry. Our mental health system is so very broken. I am sure you have tried it all, so any thoughts I have at this point would likely be "been there and done that."</p><p></p><p>I know I was very thankful that several times I was able to get my son to the ER, with the help of police, where he could be evaluated anew. He threatened to kill himself several times, which is when police will act without many questions. It sounds like threatening to kill somebody else, like in your case, doesn't get the same response. That is awful.</p><p></p><p>Of course you drove around looking for him. You love him. Of course you are terrified of him, who wouldn't be, with the way he is acting and talking and past history.</p><p></p><p>I wish I had good answers. I know this: You have to focus on your own physical safety. When we look at our own basic needs---in order to keep breathing and functioning---first has to come our physical safety. </p><p></p><p>You also know that allowing him to stay at your house hasn't helped him. He's not better. </p><p></p><p>Can you decide that no matter what, you have to have a sanctuary for yourself and your other son? That he cannot come there again. For any reason. </p><p></p><p>Then, can you work to feel your deep feelings of grief and pain and sadness FOR HIM and his life? Just allow those feelings to flood through you, and sit with them, and welcome them in? I learned that keeping my pain at bay did not work, and it did not help me or my son. I learned that my pain would not kill me. In fact, on the other side of that pain, is the beginning of healing, regardless of what your son or my son do next.</p><p></p><p>Then, as you are grieving, can you begin to work on yourself more and more? Can you start working on detachment? Letting him go? There is a great post on this forum at the top, take a look, on detachment. Print it out and read it over and over again.</p><p></p><p>You can't help somebody who won't help himself. You know that. All of the good intentions and hopes and prayers in the world won't do it, unless HE wants to take medication and get the help that is available for his mental illness.</p><p></p><p>You didn't cause this. You can't control it. You can't cure it. Those are the Three Cs in Al-Anon about addiction and alcoholism. They also apply here. In my family, on both sides, there is addiction. Does that mean I caused my son's addiction? No. It is what it is. We have to work through and let go of the guilt that comes with knowing our genetic makeup comes with this. </p><p></p><p>The world is a terribly imperfect place, with so much good and so much pain. It is life on life's terms. Life is chaotic and messy and painful and joyful and wonderful and blessed. This is a part of life. There is nothing we did to will this situation into being, and we would give anything to stop it.</p><p></p><p>But we can't. Hang in there. Keep posting here. I can tell you this other thing: There is a way to live, being happy and peaceful and joyful and contented, in the midst of our precious, precious adult children's chaotic, self-destructive lives. I know, because I finally got to that place, most of the time. Not all of the time. But most of the time. </p><p></p><p>Warm hugs this morning. We get it and we care.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Childofmine, post: 660933, member: 17542"] Feeling Sad, I am so sorry. Our mental health system is so very broken. I am sure you have tried it all, so any thoughts I have at this point would likely be "been there and done that." I know I was very thankful that several times I was able to get my son to the ER, with the help of police, where he could be evaluated anew. He threatened to kill himself several times, which is when police will act without many questions. It sounds like threatening to kill somebody else, like in your case, doesn't get the same response. That is awful. Of course you drove around looking for him. You love him. Of course you are terrified of him, who wouldn't be, with the way he is acting and talking and past history. I wish I had good answers. I know this: You have to focus on your own physical safety. When we look at our own basic needs---in order to keep breathing and functioning---first has to come our physical safety. You also know that allowing him to stay at your house hasn't helped him. He's not better. Can you decide that no matter what, you have to have a sanctuary for yourself and your other son? That he cannot come there again. For any reason. Then, can you work to feel your deep feelings of grief and pain and sadness FOR HIM and his life? Just allow those feelings to flood through you, and sit with them, and welcome them in? I learned that keeping my pain at bay did not work, and it did not help me or my son. I learned that my pain would not kill me. In fact, on the other side of that pain, is the beginning of healing, regardless of what your son or my son do next. Then, as you are grieving, can you begin to work on yourself more and more? Can you start working on detachment? Letting him go? There is a great post on this forum at the top, take a look, on detachment. Print it out and read it over and over again. You can't help somebody who won't help himself. You know that. All of the good intentions and hopes and prayers in the world won't do it, unless HE wants to take medication and get the help that is available for his mental illness. You didn't cause this. You can't control it. You can't cure it. Those are the Three Cs in Al-Anon about addiction and alcoholism. They also apply here. In my family, on both sides, there is addiction. Does that mean I caused my son's addiction? No. It is what it is. We have to work through and let go of the guilt that comes with knowing our genetic makeup comes with this. The world is a terribly imperfect place, with so much good and so much pain. It is life on life's terms. Life is chaotic and messy and painful and joyful and wonderful and blessed. This is a part of life. There is nothing we did to will this situation into being, and we would give anything to stop it. But we can't. Hang in there. Keep posting here. I can tell you this other thing: There is a way to live, being happy and peaceful and joyful and contented, in the midst of our precious, precious adult children's chaotic, self-destructive lives. I know, because I finally got to that place, most of the time. Not all of the time. But most of the time. Warm hugs this morning. We get it and we care. [/QUOTE]
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