Feeling sad

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by Helpless29, Feb 4, 2019.

  1. Helpless29

    Helpless29 Member

    My last post was me debating on whether or not to visit my son at Juvenile Detention, so I reached out to the probation officer to ask how he’s been doing. She had a visit with him today. She said it did not go well, he was upset that dad was pressing charges on him for breaking car window , he was upset that he could not come live with me when he gets out, he was upset he could not live with his grandparent either.PO explained to him , my concern was how violent he gets when he gets angry & that it scares me, his response was if Im so scared of him that I should not go visit him, but PO insists that I should go show him support. I don’t know what’s going to happen, dad is saying he does not want him anymore because of his violence. I don’t know what will happen when they do release him & dad says No he does not want him anymore, he has custody.So many things are going throng mind.Court is not till Feb 28th but this now these thoughts are consuming me.
  2. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    Why can't he live with his grandparents? Is it because they are a good influence or will they not take him?

    Is there a chance of placement in a residential treatment center through probation, until he is 18? If his father has custody, and you have small children, is it really your problem? I understand your agony. I have a 30 year old and I am eaten up with dread and fear and guilt.

    But there is an objective situation here, that by his behavior your son is greatly delimited his options. You did not do that. Your hands are tied. If you did not have young children, it would be different. But what in the world can you do?

    Your son will have to have care. I don't remember how old he is but he does not seem a candidate for emancipation. He is not capable of caring for himself. If there is no family or residential treatment the only options I can think of would be foster care or Job Corps when he is 16, unless there is other family or friends of family that would take responsibility.

    But it is back to you. What in the world can you do? I do not see that you have any option at all, from what you have shared.

    I wish your son gets residential treatment. This could change his life. Does he have an IEP?
  3. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    Hon, if he is violent you CANT take him and be safe and that is on him. Grandparents are older. No way. His violence could KILL them.

    His PO is not being helpful and maybe he doesnt know oprions. There are services for felons. Its hard but you didnt do it, he did. And no way did he change with no professional help, rehab or even a long time to contemplate his choices.

    Of course your son is sad now. For himself. He has done not one thing to make anything better, even ran from the cops. If you collapse and take him in you will be in serious danger.

    Our house has a violence rule. One time you are out. I never had that but would have done it. Nobody will want to live with him if he doesn't change his act. And he wont have any motivation to get help if you take him back and be afraid in your own home.

    He may not have motivation on the streets either....but he wont be living in comfort. Most adult kids who changed in my over a decade of being here, including my own daughter, changed after a serious attempt in rehab and these tend to be younger adults who do this or more often being on the street and being sure the family was completely done offering any help....that it was up to them.

    My daughter was not on the street but we were done with giving any help and she hated where she was and many others whose stories were told here WERE on the streets. With no rescuers. And it finally clicked.

    That seems to be the key. Does it always work...no. But it is, at least on this forum, what has worked the best. I cant think of one adult kid living at home who changed, at least not amongst the stories posted here.

    Find all the community services in town and give him the phone numbers. in my opinion that is the best gift you can do given his violence. There are shelters, Salvation Armys that feed and counsel, food cards, Medicare if they get on SSDI and Section 8.3

    Dad is right. Grandparents should never go near him again. You either....unless you meet him in a crowded restaurant. But......if you want an alternative, there is one.

    If your heart cant take it, bring him home realizing that telling him what to do may set off violence. That those who live with you could be hurt too....or visitors. That it wont change him because he has no help. That expectations may set him off. If you would rather be at risk than have him using of community services or, the worst possibility, the street, you most certainly can let him live with you. This is always an option. It is when we no longer care if they ever change but WE cant take them being on the streets. It is for us. Believe me, some parents do this until they die. 60 year olds live with 85 year old parents and some are still abusive to the parent.

    One wonders what the adult kid does after that parent is gone but then the free living and the unconditional love IS over.

    There is no judgement here I hope. You do what you need to do

    Hugs and love and lots of good thoughts that you work out the right thing for you.
    Last edited: Feb 5, 2019
  4. Helpless29

    Helpless29 Member

    He is 16 teen and yes it is for dad to to decide what options there are because he has sole , legal custody. I just don’t think dad can just say he dosent want him , it can’t be that easy right?Court is in the 28th but it is not about placement options for my son , its about all his charges he will be facing. Grandparents won’t take him because they know in the long run they won’t be able to control him& they do not live in the the best neighborhood, he would not make it.Im just afraid if we both won’t take him, the state will take him. And then what? I will never see him again?I’m sure I’m wAy ahead of myself with these thoughts, it’s just consuming my mind at that this time. I’m mad at dad for not wanting him but I’m no better
  5. Helpless29

    Helpless29 Member

    Here is what PO sent

    My visit with G. today did not go very well. He was upset when I spoke to him about conversations I had with you and with grandmother. He is also upset about the new case involving his dad. He also did not like it when I told him he cannot decide to leave home whenever he wants. He thought if he is released on the 28th to his dad he could get his things and leave. When I explained to him what would happen he was not pleased. He ended the visit and stated he does not want you to come. He initially said yes but then changed his mind. I had previously mentioned to him that you were afraid of how he acts when he gets upset and he decided he doesn't want anyone who is afraid of him to visit. I tried to explain to him that had to do with how he acts when he gets angry.

    I still think you should visit. If he decides not to talk that's on him. I feel he wants someone to come but doesn't know how to express that. He looks well but a little sad, and that's why I think you should go see your son for yourself. I also think he wants someone to take his side. He thinks you could be an option if he is released but I told him it may be unlikely that you would allow him to stay with you. I remember the concerns you voiced and I think that's why he really changed his mind. I have to see him every week while he is in custody and will try to see him again next week.
  6. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    He would go into foster care or residential treatment, which would keep him off the streets. He would get treatment while not at home, You would have a visitation plan, I believe. At 18 he can do what he wants regarding living. The state is gone once they turn 18.

    I did not know he was only sixteen. When you say he is violent, would he hurt you or anyone else in the home? Do you have pets,? Would he hurt them? May he destroy property? Steal? If si can you live with this?

    I do think his father can give custody to the state. That is is only two years. Dad needs to be safe. Grandparents need to be safe.

    I hope you can make a satisfactory decision regarding your son. One that you are comfortable with and is best for all.
    Last edited: Feb 5, 2019
  7. Helpless29

    Helpless29 Member

    He has never hurt me & Or his dog. He has broken & destroyed stuff in his room when he was angry with his fist.He has gotten in a physical altercation with his dad. He has destroyed property & broken things at his grandparents house when he was angry. HE stole & sold his step brothers Xbox.We know from FB messages , he robs people on the streets. When he thought he got hit by a car cuz that was a story he told us, he actually was robbing someone with a machete & they broke his leg. Thank god they did not kill him.He can get very violent, when he does not get his way
  8. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    If he is robbing and threatening and hurting strangers on the street, these acts would likely send him to prison if he was 18. It is hard for me to believe that he will not be sent to some sort of residential treatment through probation. That is what he needs.

    In terms of his comments to the PO, he is no different than the rest of us. He tries to avoid seeing himself, what he has done, and taking responsibility. This will be a lifelong process. Owning oneself.

    I agree with the PO. If you can visit, I believe this would be best for your child. He needs to feel that somebody is in his corner. Which does not mean that you should be subjected to his violent outbursts.

    Taking his side does not mean defending his bad acts or bad choices. Nor does it mean you need to take him in or do specific things for him. It means standing by him and being there.
  9. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    I wont tell you what to do but you probably already know where son is headed. Residential may be best. 24/7 watch and lots of therapy. If not he will end likely end up in prison if he is robbing people on the street.

    People wear cop/body cams these days. He WILL get caught eventually. Cameras are everywhere. My daughter works in Corrections. The inmates in her jail are usually identified by street camera. Crime is not as easy as it once was. Many petty thefts that once were impossible to pin down are getting pinned down now. And there is positive ID.

    This is some very serious stuff your son is doing. I strongly suspect he takes hard drugs as well as pot. Pot smokers dont tend to steal at that level. Addicts who get withdrawals. Most try to hide from plain sight, unlike your son who is dangerously reckless.

    . I am so very sad for you and hope he can get the best treatment possible. If it were me I would take advantage of any offered treatment before he turns 18 and then he is legal age and you cant help and the law gets tougher on you.

    I am not you so you do what you like with son. Nothing is right or wrong. I personally would be too angry at my kid if he or she hurt others that way to be good positive support. My kid would choose seriously inpatient long term treatment or I could not be there. I would not be able to be a rock for anyone doing what your son does unless he was very truly remorseful and begging for help. Then I could. Only then. I would have to love and pray from a distance. But.....I am not you! Follow your instincts!

    Many hugs!
    Last edited: Feb 5, 2019
  10. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I am another vote for a residential treatment center. Your son is not safe to have at home. His dad would have to be the one to place him in an Residential Treatment Center (RTC). Have you discussed this as a possibility with his dad? If he is covered by insurance, they may pay for it. I am not sure what happens if it is court ordered. I would definitely start looking into it before the 28th.