There are days when everything just feels so vain. Of course our kids do not owe us anything. They didn't ask to be born, in fact other of mine has many times stated he wishes he wouldn't had. But still somehow, on emotional level, one expects some rewards from all the sleepless nights, all the diapers changed, all the homework fought through, all the sacrifices, all the time, attention and money. And all you get is more sleepless nights and worry. Why did we bother at all? Ache has lately been in good enough shape to play and one night we were watching him play from the tv. He was having a great game, some highlight reel plays, commentator shouting how good he is, even the crowd chanting his name a short bit. While watching it, I wasn't feeling even the smallest bit of joy or excitement and when I looked my hubby next to me, and he has always been very much involved and dedicated to our kids sports, I could see he wasn't feeling any either. We were anxiously looking for Ache's body language, body language of his team mates and coaches, trying to figure out how he was really doing. One of Ache's team mates was having a great game too and they showed his parents on the crowd, looking so happy and proud and celebrating. You could even hear it through the tv broadcast that they were shortly interviewed in the arena about how happy they were to be able to see their son play live and how proud they are of him and how well worth it all the effort they put to their son's sport now feel and how they always try to catch all of their son's games even though there is quite a time difference. They are foreign and were apparently spending a week there to visit him and his wife. I of course do not know those people at all and I'm happy they are having a great son and good time watching him play. But I can't help but feel cheated. It is of course not like we would had put all the time and money we used to Ache's sport in hopes of him being a pro one day and us there happy and proud watching. We did it to help him develop and all the great memories we hoped he and us would gain through those junior years. Well, guess what, that didn't pan out either. Instead of great time it was struggle after struggle after struggle. And it hasn't changed from that nor does it show any signs it would. I feel resentful over whole thing, I have to admit. And even more so I resent myself feeling resentful over it, because I do know I have no right. Ache does not owe us anything and it is not his job to make us proud or happy. This is also not about Ache shutting us out and not talking to us, though he is now talking with Joy again and according to him it seems Ache is trying to work out some solution to start contact with us while saving his face too, just a vain cry to the universe: "Why me?!?"