Feeling sorry and not feeling sorry at the same time

LauraH

Well-Known Member
By now you know that my son blows through money like the rest of us blow through toilet paper and Kleenex. Three or four days ago he got a $700 check from cashing in his 401K and it's all gone. He's been staying at an AirB&B and just squeaking by paying for it. Also he has to be out tomorrow because they don't rent long-term. In the meantime he quit his most recent job because he says his coworkers are talking smack about him and his supervisor is a jerk (my words, his were much more "colorful", although he has been getting out on the bike to deliver for Uber Eats. Of course he doesn't have another job lined up.

Well today he tested positive for COVID. Symptoms are mild because he's had the first two shots. He was planning to get out on the bike tonight but now can't, obviously. So he's playing the sympathy card (I guess I'll have to sleep on a park bench or bus stop, etc). I feel bad for his situation, but I also know that a lot of what is happening to him is due to his own poor decision making skills, so in that regard I don't. All I can do for him, and all I am willing to do for him, is pray. And I haven't ad won't waste my breath reminding him of all the foolish decisions he's made that contributed to him being where he is now. I hope and pray he can come up with a solution, but I won't contribute to it, it's entirely up to him.
 

Acacia

Well-Known Member
It's smart to share your concerns and frustrations here with those of us that struggle with our difficult children. I know it helps me keep my boundaries better when I say things out loud or on paper.

Our difficult children know how to make it seem that they are asking for help for a perfectly reasonable thing right now, but they don't want to acknowledge all the poor choices that have led them to this point. I keep hoping my DS and daughter change for the better, but I am finally at at point where I'm ready to say uncle. There's always a chance, but for now I'm trying to accept the reality of their bad behavior and choices are who they are until they decide to change. I'm done with denial and am working really hard on keeping my boundaries. Hands off, heart on. Two steps forward and one step back, but I'll get there and so will you.
 

LauraH

Well-Known Member
It's smart to share your concerns and frustrations here with those of us that struggle with our difficult children. I know it helps me keep my boundaries better when I say things out loud or on paper.

Our difficult children know how to make it seem that they are asking for help for a perfectly reasonable thing right now, but they don't want to acknowledge all the poor choices that have led them to this point. I keep hoping my DS and daughter change for the better, but I am finally at at point where I'm ready to say uncle. There's always a chance, but for now I'm trying to accept the reality of their bad behavior and choices are who they are until they decide to change. I'm done with denial and am working really hard on keeping my boundaries. Hands off, heart on. Two steps forward and one step back, but I'll get there and so will you.
Amen to that! And you know...as the months and years go by, the boundaries keep getting easier to maintain because he has lost the power to psychologically blackmail me with his verbal abuse. I'm about to post an update following a brief conversation I had with him earlier.
 

LauraH

Well-Known Member
Update: My son called me a couple of hours ago to let me know that he had made arrangements to stay at a homeless shelter. Not exactly what every mother dreams of for her children, but at least he did it on his own (with no help or suggestions from me) and it's far better than a park bench in the bitter cold of Chicago in January. So in a bizarre way, I was proud of him. But here's where the story goes south, and quickly.

I asked him what he would do with his belongings and he said that a friend was going to let him bring them to his place. He didn't ask me for any help but simply said that it would be a pain in the butt to take his two suitcases and several bags on the bus or train. I offered to call an Uber for him to transport his belonging. He said thank you and he would call me when he was ready to go to his friend's. When he called he said he had no way to get home on the bus and asked if I would pay for a round trip Uber so he could get back to where he is staying tonight. I said "Well, apparently you had a way to get to your friend's on the bus..." when he interrupted and snapped at me with "What makes you think that? When did I say that?" I said that saying it would be a pain to get his stuff to his friend's on the bus makes it sound like he has the capability but that it would be a major ordeal and inconvenience. At which point he blew up, yelled "You know what, just forget it, don't help me!" and hung up on me. He called back a few minutes later and I did not pick up. He then texted me the following (edited for language):

Don't "f" bother ever calling my phone again. As far as I'm concerned I have no parents. Period. You are completely selfish and the most ridiculously impossible person on any cooperative level. You have made the worst situation of my life literally "f" impossible.

I can't say that didn't bother me but I am not rattled to the core as I was the last time he was so nasty and hateful. And it makes me even more suspicious that he is using again. For the last several weeks he has been anything from argumentative to condescending to downright rude and nasty. Could be the holidays, I know holidays affect a lot of people like could. Could be he's using again. I really have no idea and at this point I'm not sure I want to know. But he has to know I didn't "make" his situation anything. He got to where he is and is paying the consequences all by himself with no help from me. I told him years ago that from that point on I am no longer an active participant in his recovery or his life, just a cheerleader. I said that meant that the credit for his success were completely on him, but that likewise the responsibility and consequences for his failures was also on his shoulders.

And he has the nerve to call me selfish. I gave him an "early Christmas present" in September or October, but two days before Christmas I wanted him to have something so I put $50 on his transit card. A few days ago he asked me to call him an Uber because he had missed the bus and would otherwise be late to work, which I did gladly. And the Uber tonight was my offer, he didn't ask me to. None of that sounds like selfish behavior to me. I wonder if he really believes that or is lashing out trying to make me feel guilty for not doing even more? Well, the guilt trips don't work on me anymore. I have done what I can, within the limits of my boundaries and my capabilities, and I've done much more than some parents would under the circumstances. I have absolutely NOTHING to feel guilty about. Bitter disappointment and resignation knowing that nothing has significantly changed with him and may never change, yes. Anger that he still feels entitled to talk to me the way he does, absolutely.

I don't even know what to pray for on his behalf anymore, so when I pray I simply say God, it's in your hands, and let it got at that.
 

Copabanana

Well-Known Member
Laura. You did and said nothing that deserved that tongue lashing from your son. Nothing you could have ever said or done, warranted that he behave this way. You deserve respect and care. He acted very badly, actually abusively and certainly disrespectfully. Unless he can apologize, tell you that he acknowledges what he did wrong and changes, I don't believe he is safe to interact with until he does take responsibility for his very poor behavior towards you. That's just my take.

Everybody deserves to make their own mistakes and to learn from them or not. But they don't deserve to last out repeatedly at their mother. I am so sorry this happened to you.

You are setting reasonable boundaries, it seems. Maybe it was a mistake to offer the first uber to deliver the stuff. Maybe it was opening a can of worms, that you won't open again. But even so, you didn't warrant that response.
 

LauraH

Well-Known Member
@Copabanana ever since he was a child, if I offer an inch he asks for a mile. If he asks for an inch and I give it to him, he asks for a mile. And if I give him the mile, he asks for 10 miles. Nothing is ever enough, whether I'm offering or he's asking, he always tries to up the ante. It's just sad that his mindset and behavior is still in many ways the same as when he was 10. And that was even before his meth (now meth and heroin) addiction.
 

Copabanana

Well-Known Member
It's just sad that his mindset and behavior is still in many ways the same as when he was 10.
Dear Laura

Many if not most of us here have adult children who are functioning in limited or troublesome ways. Most if not all of us have been unable to help our children in meaningful ways. We've come to the place, many of us, that we need to help ourselves, and to find a way to love our children in a way that we're not hurt.

It's sad that your son seems to not be able to accept limits or boundaries. Either from other people or in himself, as in addictive behavior. But really, this is not about that. It's about how he treats you. He lashes out at you. That is not right.

I think the issues here are really accepting what he's like. That is, an addict who is adding more drugs to the mix, and somebody who does not control his aggressive behavior. I think the bigger issue is the latter. You have no control over what he does in his own life. You do have control to how you respond to somebody who repeatedly hurts you. That's what I think.
 

LauraH

Well-Known Member
I think the issues here are really accepting what he's like.
You are exactly right. I enjoy the times when we have pleasant and reasonable adult conversations while knowing that there will come the time when conversations like tonight's happen and not worrying about that eventuality until it happens. I can live with that. In the past, when things were going well between us, I would get hopeful that we had reached a turning point and things would be rosy from now on. Now I know better but I don't plan ahead mentally, just knowing it will come at some point is all I do. I have a wonderful life. I have a supportive loving husband, five cats, a few good friends, and a lot of not so close friends and acquaintances. I have even become friends of sorts with the members of a local band who in many ways are my mental health therapy without even knowing it. I'm seeing them Saturday! I have very few wants (not meaning that I have most things I want, just that I never really much in the first place), and all my needs, physical and emotional, are being met. The only thing I could wish for was that my son could be a part of this life in a meaningful way, but if that's not meant to be then it's not meant to be. That is my current reality. Who knows what tomorrow (the "down the road" tomorrow, not "tomorrow" tomorrow) will bring. At least my life is not boring! :)
 
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