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Feeling sorry and not feeling sorry at the same time
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<blockquote data-quote="LauraH" data-source="post: 761618" data-attributes="member: 22877"><p>Update: My son called me a couple of hours ago to let me know that he had made arrangements to stay at a homeless shelter. Not exactly what every mother dreams of for her children, but at least he did it on his own (with no help or suggestions from me) and it's far better than a park bench in the bitter cold of Chicago in January. So in a bizarre way, I was proud of him. But here's where the story goes south, and quickly.</p><p></p><p>I asked him what he would do with his belongings and he said that a friend was going to let him bring them to his place. He didn't ask me for any help but simply said that it would be a pain in the butt to take his two suitcases and several bags on the bus or train. I offered to call an Uber for him to transport his belonging. He said thank you and he would call me when he was ready to go to his friend's. When he called he said he had no way to get home on the bus and asked if I would pay for a round trip Uber so he could get back to where he is staying tonight. I said "Well, apparently you had a way to get to your friend's on the bus..." when he interrupted and snapped at me with "What makes you think that? When did I say that?" I said that saying it would be a pain to get his stuff to his friend's on the bus makes it sound like he has the capability but that it would be a major ordeal and inconvenience. At which point he blew up, yelled "You know what, just forget it, don't help me!" and hung up on me. He called back a few minutes later and I did not pick up. He then texted me the following (edited for language):</p><p></p><p>Don't "f" bother ever calling my phone again. As far as I'm concerned I have no parents. Period. You are completely selfish and the most ridiculously impossible person on any cooperative level. You have made the worst situation of my life literally "f" impossible.</p><p></p><p>I can't say that didn't bother me but I am not rattled to the core as I was the last time he was so nasty and hateful. And it makes me even more suspicious that he is using again. For the last several weeks he has been anything from argumentative to condescending to downright rude and nasty. Could be the holidays, I know holidays affect a lot of people like could. Could be he's using again. I really have no idea and at this point I'm not sure I want to know. But he has to know I didn't "make" his situation anything. He got to where he is and is paying the consequences all by himself with no help from me. I told him years ago that from that point on I am no longer an active participant in his recovery or his life, just a cheerleader. I said that meant that the credit for his success were completely on him, but that likewise the responsibility and consequences for his failures was also on his shoulders. </p><p></p><p>And he has the nerve to call me selfish. I gave him an "early Christmas present" in September or October, but two days before Christmas I wanted him to have something so I put $50 on his transit card. A few days ago he asked me to call him an Uber because he had missed the bus and would otherwise be late to work, which I did gladly. And the Uber tonight was my offer, he didn't ask me to. None of that sounds like selfish behavior to me. I wonder if he really believes that or is lashing out trying to make me feel guilty for not doing even more? Well, the guilt trips don't work on me anymore. I have done what I can, within the limits of my boundaries and my capabilities, and I've done much more than some parents would under the circumstances. I have absolutely NOTHING to feel guilty about. Bitter disappointment and resignation knowing that nothing has significantly changed with him and may never change, yes. Anger that he still feels entitled to talk to me the way he does, absolutely. </p><p></p><p>I don't even know what to pray for on his behalf anymore, so when I pray I simply say God, it's in your hands, and let it got at that.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="LauraH, post: 761618, member: 22877"] Update: My son called me a couple of hours ago to let me know that he had made arrangements to stay at a homeless shelter. Not exactly what every mother dreams of for her children, but at least he did it on his own (with no help or suggestions from me) and it's far better than a park bench in the bitter cold of Chicago in January. So in a bizarre way, I was proud of him. But here's where the story goes south, and quickly. I asked him what he would do with his belongings and he said that a friend was going to let him bring them to his place. He didn't ask me for any help but simply said that it would be a pain in the butt to take his two suitcases and several bags on the bus or train. I offered to call an Uber for him to transport his belonging. He said thank you and he would call me when he was ready to go to his friend's. When he called he said he had no way to get home on the bus and asked if I would pay for a round trip Uber so he could get back to where he is staying tonight. I said "Well, apparently you had a way to get to your friend's on the bus..." when he interrupted and snapped at me with "What makes you think that? When did I say that?" I said that saying it would be a pain to get his stuff to his friend's on the bus makes it sound like he has the capability but that it would be a major ordeal and inconvenience. At which point he blew up, yelled "You know what, just forget it, don't help me!" and hung up on me. He called back a few minutes later and I did not pick up. He then texted me the following (edited for language): Don't "f" bother ever calling my phone again. As far as I'm concerned I have no parents. Period. You are completely selfish and the most ridiculously impossible person on any cooperative level. You have made the worst situation of my life literally "f" impossible. I can't say that didn't bother me but I am not rattled to the core as I was the last time he was so nasty and hateful. And it makes me even more suspicious that he is using again. For the last several weeks he has been anything from argumentative to condescending to downright rude and nasty. Could be the holidays, I know holidays affect a lot of people like could. Could be he's using again. I really have no idea and at this point I'm not sure I want to know. But he has to know I didn't "make" his situation anything. He got to where he is and is paying the consequences all by himself with no help from me. I told him years ago that from that point on I am no longer an active participant in his recovery or his life, just a cheerleader. I said that meant that the credit for his success were completely on him, but that likewise the responsibility and consequences for his failures was also on his shoulders. And he has the nerve to call me selfish. I gave him an "early Christmas present" in September or October, but two days before Christmas I wanted him to have something so I put $50 on his transit card. A few days ago he asked me to call him an Uber because he had missed the bus and would otherwise be late to work, which I did gladly. And the Uber tonight was my offer, he didn't ask me to. None of that sounds like selfish behavior to me. I wonder if he really believes that or is lashing out trying to make me feel guilty for not doing even more? Well, the guilt trips don't work on me anymore. I have done what I can, within the limits of my boundaries and my capabilities, and I've done much more than some parents would under the circumstances. I have absolutely NOTHING to feel guilty about. Bitter disappointment and resignation knowing that nothing has significantly changed with him and may never change, yes. Anger that he still feels entitled to talk to me the way he does, absolutely. I don't even know what to pray for on his behalf anymore, so when I pray I simply say God, it's in your hands, and let it got at that. [/QUOTE]
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