feeling the sorrow

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by Steely, Mar 14, 2008.

  1. Steely

    Steely Active Member

    OMG.........Tonight, for the first time in my world - not at a memorial or around family - but just me - I am really feeling the loss of my precious sister, H.

    I can't get out of my mind, that she died drowning - and what that might have been like. And what if she did this to herself. What if she was SO sad that she walked into a pond and sucked in water as her last breath. And died. And I wasn't there. I wasn't there, like big sisters are supposed to be. I was here, and she was there - all alone. Why didn't she call me? Why? She knew I would have made it better. She knew I loved her, unconditionally. How could she have left me, here, alone?

    The pond was small, only 6 ft deep. H. swam miles every day at the gym. I know what happened. I know.

    I want her back. I want what could have been. I want her. I want her so infinitely badly, that it hurts when I breathe.

    This is the first time I really let myself cry. I knew it would be like this - and that is why I never wanted this to be real.

    My precious sister. She was so kind, and smart, and so inexplicably intertwined with my soul. I loved her so much.

    Over the years do you know how many times I called her half suicidal and crazed with emotion? There is no one else I would or will ever trust like that. No one.

    See, now the pain seems endless. Like I will never see the light. This is why I did not want to feel it. This is why.

    And why oh why does difficult child have to be such a flippin pain in my rump? Now, is just not the time.

    I just cannot get out of my head how it must have felt for her to die. All alone. Sucking water. Why didn't she call me. Cuss words are all I can think of right now. Many, many profanities.
  2. tiredmommy

    tiredmommy Well-Known Member


    You have to know that if your sister intentionally drowned herself that she must have already been mired so deeply in depression or some other acute mental illness that she saw no other way out. You and I both know that you would have gone to the ends of the earth to help and comfort her, but her thought process must have been muddled. I know it's hard, but you mustn't allow yourself to feel guilt. You were in no way responsible for any of this.

    Allow yourself to feel the pain. It's there whether you acknowledge it or not.
  3. ML

    ML Guest

    We love you so much Steely. I hope you will allow us to help you through this painful time. Your sister knew how much you loved her. She saw no other way to transcend her pain. In time you will find a way to find peace with it. For now, just let us support and love you.
  4. Nomad

    Nomad Guest

    I am so sorry.
    If you have spirtual faith to call upon, I do hope you are able to do that.
    Do you have a minister or other type of religious counselor?
    What about a therapist? Many are very familiar with grief counseling and can help you through this tragedy.
  5. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    Adding my hugs and prayers...I wish I knew how to help you.
  6. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful


    Sending many gentle warm ((((hugs)))) to ease your broken heart.

    It's okay to be angry at her too.

    It's life shattering when the center of your Universe is gone.

    But it does get better. You've stepped onto the path. One of the hardest one's you'll have to walk.

    Talking to a pastor, or grief therapist might not be a bad idea. Someone right there with experience for you to lean on.

    Fight the guilt Steely. It will eat you up if you give it a chance.

  7. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    I' so very sorry.

    Lisa is right. This is the first step back. Your difficult child is getting older, and his life will be changing. Yours can change too. Whatever happened, I know H would want you to be happy. She also knew you would grieve. But she wants you to move on and be strong.
  8. timer lady

    timer lady Queen of Hearts

    All I can offer is a cyber shoulder to lean on; an ear for listening. Curse all you want - I believe it's pretty appropriate given the circumstances. It's all very tragic & I'm sure you're torturing yourself with the what if's & should have beens.

    ((((Hugs))) for you this morning.
  9. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I wish I could do something to help ease your pain. Know that we are and continue to be here for you. You are in my daily prayers. Gentle hugs being sent to you.
  10. mstang67chic

    mstang67chic Going Green

    I'm a big sister myself and I can't even begin to imagine what you're feeling.

    Please, please, please don't feel guilty. Unless you saw her every minute of every day (and even maybe not then) there was nothing you could have done. If she did do this to herself, what she knew (that you were there) and what she felt were to far apart from each other for her to be able to reach out to you or anyone else for that matter. Logically, you may know that. But logic, of course, does absolutely nothing for your heart. I've done the what if's so many times in regards to someone I lost. While my brain knew it didn't do me any good, my heart just couldn't stop doing it.

    I've said this before but get it out. You want to scream, cry and cuss? Do it. Go get a baseball bat, drive out into the country, rail at the gods and beat the h e l l out of the ground. You need to get that anger out.

    And yes, things are going to be hard for a long time. But you WILL see the light at some point. You will. And H will be with you every step of the way. Sometimes you won't know it but other times you will feel her with you. I'm not much of a religious person when it comes to organized religion but I do believe. I've had experiences after losing a loved one that I truly believe weren't just dreams or my imagination. I know that it was that person helping me deal, holding me or simply checking in and saying Hey.

    We are here for you and we will always be here for you.
  11. dizzymum

    dizzymum Sarah

    Hello Steely,

    I am sorry you are alone, I am sorry you have to go through this without the one person who may have made this situation bearable.
    Grief has seven stages apparently and you sound angry. Get this for anger..... when I went to view my twin in the chapel of rest, the first thing I did was cuss him and shout at him. The funeral director had to leave. How could he do this to me? Didn't he know? It was absolute agony and he had done this to me, B*****D!

    I remember being surrounded by people but I was so alone. My personal pain put me on an emotional island. I could not feel. When for brief moments I forgot and laughed, I felt guilty.When I woke in the morning, before reality struck I could breathe, but had the huge come down of realisation shortly after.

    Please keep talking and go to bereavement counselling. I thought I was going mad but it was all part of the process.

    IF is a small word with many meanings. My favourite is.... IF my aunty had b***s she'd be my uncle.

    Wishing you a safe warm harbour and much love....... Dizzy.
  12. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    {{{Steely}}} I'm so glad that you keep posting, keep reaching out.

    I know there is no one who can replace your sister in your heart or life, but continuing to reach out for support and understanding is so very important. Please continue to do so.

    We all love and care about you so much - you're in so many people's daily thoughts and prayers.

    Sending you some very warm and gentle supportive hugs~my heart grieves for you.
  13. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    (((HUGS))) I'm so sorry that you have to go through this. When the passing wasn't as peaceful as we would all want it to be, it seems that having to deal with that fact alone kind of adds an additional "phase" to the grief process.

    Many hugs are being sent your way...
  14. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911


    If it were possible I would sit next to you with a box and as all your "What if's?" came to the world, I would pluck them out of the air and put them away so you never had to hear them again.

    I am so sorry you're hurting like you are, but I think it's very natural. Grieving is the only way sometimes that we can truly get rid of the what-ifs. Doesn't mean they disappear forever, just means we're trying to make sense of a seemingly senseless loss.

  15. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat

    Oh sweetie.

    I feel for you. I so know what it is like, holding it off till you can't anymore, and then you just have to feel it. But this is the beginning of healing. It does not feel like it now. It may not feel like it for a very long time. But you are on your way.

    We are all here, open arms and strong shoulders. I am so very sorry for your hurting heart.
  16. Estherfromjerusalem

    Estherfromjerusalem Well-Known Member

    I just want you to know that I truly feel for you. I pray that you find the strength to get through all the stages that are necessary for mourning to be a healing process. I have a friend who is a grief counsellor, and she says the only way to come out "whole" is to go through all the stages. I think "talking it out" with all of us here is a really good way of coping with your loss. It's really like therapy.

    Sending you a warm and gentle hug,

    Love, Esther
  17. Steely

    Steely Active Member

    You guys are so amazing. Truthfully, I feel bad posting here so much. I feel like I am just selfish and sucking up all of your time. However, you keep responding to me with such amazing warmth and grace - I will try to keep reaching out without feeling guilty. (Can you tell I suffer from a lot of excess guilt? Sigh.)

    Anyway. I am, evidently, starting to finally really feel this - which I guess is a sign I will be whole again someday - but yet it so painful it is physically palpable.

    It is interesting. When difficult child heard about his H dying, he raged. He was so furious with her - unabashedly furious. Truthfully I could only watch him rage - and then look at him - and say I understand - despite him cursing at her, and tossing things around. My response totally stumped him, (he seems to think anger is an exclusive emotion only to him) but the truth of the matter is that we all feel that way when someone dies. The problem is that sometimes, due to societal constraints, we do not act on our true feelings because it seems irreverent.

    I guess I am rambling. I just thank you all for listening....

    PS. I am in counseling - and believe, me - I would be in sad shape if I could not see her every week. But I may look into a grief group.
  18. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat


    Do you have any idea how much it helps us to help you?

    OK, I won't say that I am speaking for everyone on the board (but, I bet I am). When I am wallowing in self pity, the best way I know to get out of it is to get out of myself. To help someone else. To give back to those who have helped me.

    Everyone on this board has had their share of issues, griefs, problems, and that is why we keep coming back. We are all there for eachother, and that is what makes us family. I, for one, look forward to your posts (at this particular time) whether you are grieving, complaining, or what have you, because at least that lets me know that you are still with us. At other times, there were other people whose posts I kept my eye out for because I was worried about them.

    Don't you ever feel guilty for posting too much. by helping you, we are helping us. And I've seen you jumping in to help others quite a bit.

    Big, bad, kitty-hugs.
  19. Steely,

    My thoughts and prayers are with you at this time.. Many, many gentle hugs are coming your way.
  20. tiredmommy

    tiredmommy Well-Known Member


    Don't think you are posting too much. We are all here to help each other. You get support when you really need it today and you give support when you can.

    That's how it works. :)