OMG.........Tonight, for the first time in my world - not at a memorial or around family - but just me - I am really feeling the loss of my precious sister, H. I can't get out of my mind, that she died drowning - and what that might have been like. And what if she did this to herself. What if she was SO sad that she walked into a pond and sucked in water as her last breath. And died. And I wasn't there. I wasn't there, like big sisters are supposed to be. I was here, and she was there - all alone. Why didn't she call me? Why? She knew I would have made it better. She knew I loved her, unconditionally. How could she have left me, here, alone? The pond was small, only 6 ft deep. H. swam miles every day at the gym. I know what happened. I know. I want her back. I want what could have been. I want her. I want her so infinitely badly, that it hurts when I breathe. This is the first time I really let myself cry. I knew it would be like this - and that is why I never wanted this to be real. My precious sister. She was so kind, and smart, and so inexplicably intertwined with my soul. I loved her so much. Over the years do you know how many times I called her half suicidal and crazed with emotion? There is no one else I would or will ever trust like that. No one. See, now the pain seems endless. Like I will never see the light. This is why I did not want to feel it. This is why. And why oh why does difficult child have to be such a flippin pain in my rump? Now, is just not the time. I just cannot get out of my head how it must have felt for her to die. All alone. Sucking water. Why didn't she call me. Cuss words are all I can think of right now. Many, many profanities.