Feeling Torn - Needed By S.n. Kid/ Me Time

[ME & THE BOYS]

Hi there,

I am sure many of us feel this with our special needs children. Especially if we are spending 85 + of our time with them. They worry us, they need, us, they test us, they torment us, they drain us.

I feel torn........I mean, I feel he needs me to do the better job (HIS DAD DOESN'T DO), AND I feel guilty not always being there and making ME TIME.

It is a horrible place to be in.

I am so exhausted (mentally/physically/emotionally) DRAINED, yet if I make "ME TIME", I feel just awful. However, I also feel great making "ME TIME.".

I imagine soon my husband and I will separate and through womans groups, am learning I need to make ME TIME (LESS THE GUILTY FEELINGS).

How do I go about insisting my husband have my S.N child more than 4 days out of the month? I will go insane having him 26 days. Life with him is EXTREMLY EXTREMELY HARD! DRAINING! NOT MANY SMILES IN THE DAY.

God, I feel awful feeling/saying this.

Thoughts? Does anyone feel like me? What do I do about my guilty feelings asking my husband help me out more once he leaves?

Thank you in advance for your responses.

[email protected]

 

[Big Bad Kitty]

First of all, you totally need and deserve me time.

You can only take care of your kids if you are as good as you can be. If you do not take time to relax, refresh, and replenish, you are not going to be on top of your game (and we all need to be on top of our game with our difficult children).

As far as getting hubby to spend more time with them, I suppose that during the divorce proceedings you could request that he take them more often, but unless her agrees to it, the judge is not likely to enforce it. And if he does, hubby could be resentful and take it out on the kids. It's a fine line and a balancing act.

Is there a pre-K program he could join? Something that caters to difficult children? That might be a win-win situation, if the boy is getting help he needs and you are getting the rest that YOU need.

 

[witzend]

My advice would be for you to slow down and think this out again. If your biggest gripe with your husband is that he doesn't spend enough time with his child, it seems contradictory to divorce him and expect him to take the child more than the usual 4 days a month. Many dads of difficult children won't take them at all.

I don't know what you have tried with your husband to work this out, so maybe I'm off base. If it were me, when he came home from work, I'd pick up my purse and tell him "It's been a hard day and I need to get out of the house before I crack. I'll be back at 9:00 (or whatever)". Then when I came home I would tell him it's too much to expect me to do all of the parenting, and you are going to start by taking two evenings a week for yourself. If he doesn't like it he can leave and you'll take half of everything he owns plus daycare and health care for your son for the next 11 years.

If you are going to seperate, think it out first. Will there be enough money so that you aren't stuck with difficult child 24/7. Can there be if you get a good enough attorney?

 

[LittleDudesMom]

D,

As someone who has been there, let me assure you that your children will survive, and will ultimately benefit, from you taking time for yourself. I agree with Witz - don't ask, just do. When he comes home from work, or wakes up Saturday morning etc., just say "I'm going out for awhile."

I appears that you and your husband have been having trouble for several years. Is he still seeing another woman? Or, were you guys unable to mend what he did years ago?

I can tell you that I was married for about the same amount of time you are when my bonehead and I seperated and ultimately divorced. He never takes the children. I believe he has had difficult child for two overnights since we seperated the summer of 2004!

As you go through the divorce stuff, if that is where you actually head, you will need to agree upon the custody and visitation of the children. If your husband wants out of this marriage more than you, it benefits your needs. You demand that he take the children every Wed afternoon until after dinner, and every other weekend from Friday at 5 until Sunday at, say 3:00.

My seperation period was pretty long, our divorce was not finalized until January. Bonehead was supposed to take the kids every third weekend but my kids were not interested anymore. Their dad has moved on to a honey half his age who lives with him and, while she is very nice to the kids, they are not really interested in leaving their space. Their father comes to see them every evening after work and sat evenings as well. So they see him on their own turf. A little in my face, but the kids love their dad so......

I wish you strength. It's a tough time. I wonder if your son's psychiatrist or therapist can recommend some strong behavior mod programming for difficult child to make your home a little less stressful. Have you read The Explosive Child yet? That might be something you want to do if you've done it yet.

Hugs.

Sharon