Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by guest3, Dec 15, 2007.
No, I don't get it at all......what is he implying? He's watching you and so is his son? Your father beats you? It makes no sense.
Regardless, I know enough to know that this is harrassment! Have you taken this to the police, or DA and filed a restraining order? If not, you need to do that ASAP before this spirals any further. He already beat you and your son up, you will be able to get a restraining order in a heartbeat.
Please, please do this now..........before someone gets hurt. He sounds beyond sick, and getting sicker. You need to protect yourself and your boys.
Hang in there, and I am so sorry this is happening.
thank you he is quite dilussional
Dillusional and unstable. I know you hate to be the "bad guy" but you need an order of protection.
If the situation with your parents and husband is too much, you can always contact your local domestic violence shelter. Actually, even if you don't go there to stay it would be a good idea. Generally they have some awfully good counselors and such you can talk to for free with lots of experience with all this sort of thing. And if you go thru them to get your OP usually you can get it very quickly.
I'm so sorry ex is being a major @ss. If it were me I'd print out every email he sends to you. You can use them in court too.
Sending you many warm ((((hugs)))). Hang in there.
Unstable it right.
At the very least you need to stop reading the notes. Block him!
You need some 'ME' time and this will not allow it to happen!
Hi! Get copies of all of this stuff and get it to the police for a restraining order NOW!
Not being scary here, but one of our members has two boys stitched up and her daughter in the hospital with a lacerated liver, pneumonia, and now an infection in her blood. Her ex had the kids for his weekend and killed his girlfriend, sliced up her daughter and our members 3 kids.
You think you know somebody, right. I don't know their circumstances, what could have provoked it, but we're all on here trying to learn from each other and form friendships. This poor woman is a warrior through and through, and my heart breaks for her every time I think of her situation.
As your friend I'm saying this to you:
Lost: you've GOT to wake up and get this dope away from you guys. Learn from her situation and know that sometimes people aren't always what they seem. And your s2bx is nuts! Funny how he's got the $'s to "get you a really nice gift" and has the $'s to have video and digital surveilance. While you're at the police station getting the restraining order, hit him up for some dollars to support the kids. He's obviously got money somewhere!
He's a total useless tool!
Hope I didn't offend, people (and I use the term loosely) like him p me o because they're bullies through and through!
I also think you should get a protection order as soon as possible. Don't go out alone either. Those messages are very threatening and unhinged. I am worried for you.
Another vote for a restraining order - quite frankly, I'd take these to your local police station right this very second. They definitely have a threatening undercurrent. It needs to stop.
So very sorry you're dealing with this.
Then, move. And leave no forwarding address or number.
Change your email address. Change your cell phone #.
Done and done.
well I noticed in one of S2BX's posts he quoted something from CDC boards. I googled my old handle and it went to an old message but the new handle was on it, so I have asked moderators to delete me
These boards are my sanctuary and I have nothing to hide, but I do not trust S2BX.
But I did finish printing out all the emails and I will be heading to the police station soon.
thank you all and Merry Christmas
Lost, you can always re-register under a completely new name. That way your old posts won't be linked to it.
I'm so sorry you're going through this. He is definitely unstable to say the least. My heart truly goes out to you. I wish you were here so I could tuck you and your boys safely away and give you a big hug.
I'm glad you're going to the police. Change your email and phone numbers, too, like BBK said. Also, contact your local domestic violence shelter as others have suggested. The police should be able to give you that info.
So sorry you are going through all this.
this is really scary. Please do go to police, sooner rather than later, and please let us know when you do.
I hope you went right to the police. We are all worried about you. Please don't wait.
I am urging you once again to call a local womens shelter and seek some advice. You are going to need a safety plan.
SAFETY DURING AN EXPLOSIVE INCIDENT
1.) If an argument seems unavoidable, try to have it in a room or area that has access to an exit and not in a bathroom, kitchen, or any where near weapons. Identify which doors, windows, elevator, or stairwell would be best.
3.) Have a packed bag ready and keep it in an undisclosed but accessible place in order to leave quickly. Find out what things you will need to put in this bag so you don't ever have to go back to the home. Birth certificates, social security cards, bank books, check books, jewelry, Medicaid cards, etc.
4.) Identify a neighbor you can tell about the violence and ask that they call the police if they hear a disturbance coming from your home. Don't worry about the person that chronically says "we don't want the police involved." Ignore such statements.
5.) Devise a code word to be used with your children, friends, family, and neighbors when you need the police or know the situation is going to get out of control.
6.) Decide and plan where you will go/hide if you had to leave home. EVEN IF YOU DO NOT THINK YOU NEED THAT NOW.
7.) Use your own instincts and judgment. If the situation is very dangerous, consider giving what the abuser wants to calm him down (yes that means what you think). You have the right to protect yourself until you are out of danger.
ALWAYS REMEMBER YOU DON'T DESERVE TO BE HIT OR THREATENED
B. THE FUTURE
1.) Open a savings account in your own name to start to establish or increas your independence. Think of other ways you can increase your independence.
2.) Leave money, an extra set of keys, copies of important documents and extra clothes with someone you trust so you can get out and leave quickly.
3.) Determine who would be able to let you stay with them or lend you some money. Don't disclose this to ANYONE but that person.
4.) Keep the shelter phone number close at hand and keep some change or a calling card on you for emergency phone calls.
5.) Review your safety plan as often as possible in order to plan the safest way to leave your batterer. REMEMBER -
LEAVING YOUR BATTERER IS TEH MOST DANGEROUS TIME!!!!!!!
In their minds you are their property, you belong to them and they will stop at nothing to get your back or harm, even kill you.
Plan to attend a women's or victim's support group for at least 2 weeks to gain support from others and learn more about yourself and the relationship.
Battering: Assaultive behavior between adults in an intimate, sexual, theoretically peer, and usually co-habitating relationship.
FOUR FORMS OF BATTERING: Physical Battering, Sexual Battering, Psychological Battering, Destruction of Property/Pets.
PHYSICAL BATTERING: pushing, hitting, pulling hair, pinching, pounding, stabbing, spitting, choking, shooting, kicking, burning, clubbing, throwing chemicals
SEXUAL BATTERING: unwanted pinching of breasts, buttocks, private parts, sexual activity accompanied by physical assaults, rape, involving someone else with rape.
PSYCHOLOGICAL BATTERING: No contact with the victim's body; psychological weapons rather than physical attacks, done in context of a relationship where physical violence has already occured (as opposed to emotional abuse).
**variety of behaviors
-threats of suicide, violence, deportations, custody
-forcing the victim to do degrading things
-controlling victim's activities (sleep, eating habits, social relationships, access to money, constantly calling checking up on them, etc.)
-constant attacks on the victims self esteem ie: name calling, telling them they are not good enough, not worthy, worthless, fat, too thin, not wild enough, to meek, stupid, dumb, not worth the abusers time, clumsy, idiot etc.
-contact via email or through mail with threats, ill thoughts.
DESTRUCTION OF PROPERTY/PETS
NO contact with the victim's body, but assault still meant for her. Destruction not random; not merely "ventilation".
Same impact on victim as physical assault.
Destroying objects during arguments, breaking victim's favorite property, removing lug nuts on victims car, sending them dead flowers or pets in a box. Attacks on her pets, poisoning her pets.
SIMILARITIES OF FOUR FORMS OF BATTERING:
1. Done without concern for victim's mental or physical well being
2. Done to show dominations: to control the victim; to punish.
3.) Reoccurrent: Often escalates in severity and frequency.
MYTHS OF ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIPS
1. The battered women syndrome affects only a small % of the population
2. Battered women are masochistic
3. Battered women are "crazy".
4. Middle Income women do not get battered as frequently or as violently as lower-socioeconomic group women.
5. Religious beliefs will prevent battering
6. Women of color are battered more frequently than others
7. Battered women are uneducated and have no job skills
8. Batteres are violent in ALL their relationships
9. Batters are generally unsuccessful and lack resources to cope
with the world.
10 DRINKING ALCOHOL AND USING OTHER DRUGS CAUSES BATTERING BEHAVIOR
11 All batters are psychopathic personalities
12 Police can protect the battered women
13 The batterer is not a loving partner
14 A batter of women always beats his children
15 Once a battered woman, always a battered women (see Star) NOT!
16 Battered women deserve to be beaten
17 Battered women cal always leave home - no plan; no leaving
18 Batterers will cease their violence "when we get married"
19 Batterers will eventually forget their victims
20 Things will never change
WHY SHE STAYS......
Women who stay in a violent relationship or go back several times after trying to leave undergo gradual steps of reasoning to reconcile the violence in their minds. The reason she stays may change as the violence in the relationship progresses.
At first, she stays because:
-she loves him
-she believes he'll grow up or change
-she believes she can control the beatings by doing as he says, cleaning the house, keeping the children quiet, having a dinner on time, etc.
-she believes she can convince him that she loves him (and end his jealousy)
-she believes it is her duty to make the relationship work
-she believes she can reason with him
-she believes him when he says he's sorry and won't do it again
-she's embarrassed for him and herself, she seldom seeks help believing she can do it on her own.
-she's afraid of what will happen if the police get involved.
Later, she stays because:
-she loves him, but less
-she hopes he'll change or get help
-she's under pressure from family (his or hers) & friends to stay
-she believes he loes and needs her
-she's afraid to be alone
-she believes she can't support herself
-she believes his promises that he'll change and they'll start living the life she dreams of, he promises to get counseling, go to rehab, that he'll stop abusing drugs or alcohol (See myths above)
-she is confused
-she is increasingly afraid of her partner's violence and my see lethality in his out-of-control behaviors
Finally, she stays because:
-fear: he has become tremendously powerful in her eyes
-he threatens to kill her or the children, her family or pets
-she has developed low self-esteem (NOT self confidence)
-she believes no one can love her
-she believes she can't survive alone
-she is very confused and feels guilty: "he cares, he beats me, I must be bad I must deserve this, I don't know why."
-she believes she has no control over her life
-she feels hopeless and helpless
-she believes she has no options
-she has developed serious emotional or physical problems
-she becomes suicidal and homicidal
Don't drag your feet on this. Get to the police and then find a safe place in case you have to escape.
I'm sorry for you.
If you don't think - you could EVER make it to homicidal - PM me -
I'm really worried about you. The worst thing I ever said to myself regarding my ex was "I know him better than you - (battered women's shelter counselor) he won't hurt me.
With my son in the car LYF - he loosened all the lug nuts on my car, he sent me dead animals, dead flowers - sent sympathy cards to my parents telling them he was going to do something to me - threatened to kill us all. I didn't know him better than they did then - I went into hiding, and for three years I got about 2 - 3 hours sleep a night. Emotionally I had severe PTSD.
Don't compare my situation to yours = but DO read the things I've written about please. Get some help, and I mean more than going to the police - seek help at the womens shelter. IT does NOT mean that you have to stay there - it means you are willing to talk to people who KNOW what these men are capable of and they KNOW how to keep you prepared "in case". NO one is saying he will do something - but honestly - he's already done more than you thought he would when you left the court room that day and bought up all the everclear in an effort to save him -
I'm so sorry for your situation. I can only tell you it will get better, but you've got to be willing to say "I DON'T know this man and I Don't know what he will do."
I have more information if you'd like it about how this is affecting your kids - where to point you in your area if you don't know. I'm here - I'll help. I can even tell you things about how to erase stuff on your computer so he doesn't get it and see where you've been going if you think that's possible.
PM me - I'm here, I've been where you are, and I really care.
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