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feels like I’m watching son slide off a cliff
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<blockquote data-quote="New Leaf" data-source="post: 729030" data-attributes="member: 19522"><p>Your post reminds me so much of my eldest daughter at that age. She was hell bent on partying, disrespectful, unmotivated. Stayed out all night, slept till 10:00, just thought she could do whatever she pleased. It was frustrating and totally disrupted the peace in our home.</p><p>That was 20 years ago.</p><p>I had two of her younger siblings to raise and was not going to put up with it anymore, so out she went. She ended up living with friends, couch surfed.</p><p>It was hard watching her drift along. Of course, in her eyes everything was “my fault”.</p><p>I often ponder on that time and wonder if I would do the same now.</p><p>In a heartbeat.</p><p>When kids grow up and fail to launch, abusing the privilege of living in our homes, what can we do? It seemed like a standoff. Like she was goading me with her actions and attitude to give her the boot.</p><p>I think it was Cedar who wrote that when we bend every which way to house and try to help our grown kids, it is as if we have clipped their wings. They were meant to grow and stand on their own. We are telling them they are not capable. They are, if they choose to be. Maybe that’s what all the disrespect is about. They become resentful. They are going to do exactly what they want to do.</p><p>I think of my parents who inculcated from a young age that once we were 18, we would have to find our own way. We could stay at home if we went to college. None of us wanted to stay home. Most of my friends were the same.</p><p>What is different now? Rents are expensive, there is so much out there for a “flailing” young adult to get messed up with. We are fearful, I think. Rightly so.</p><p>You are in a hard spot EM, I am sorry for your troubles. I am glad you are going to Al Anon, it is helpful to be able to vent and get feedback, find ways to sort through all of this.</p><p>One true thing, we cannot control another human being, even our beloveds. They are going to live as they choose. I wish there was a remote control where we could push the “responsible” button. Sigh. That would be awesome. A “wake up and smell the coffee” or a “respectful” button would be great. Or even a “remember all we taught you” button.</p><p>Those attributes are all there somewhere locked inside.</p><p> I know that having a disruptive, partying, hanging with friends, 18 or 19 year old living at home is so heart wrenching and difficult. The thing is, if they continue as is and refuse to tow the line, by having them live at home, <em>we make it easier for them to continue as is.</em> We are taking care of their basic needs and they don’t have to even think of that. More money left over for them to party.</p><p>Just thoughts early in the morning. I know it’s hard EM. You will figure out a way through this. We all must do what we are comfortable with.</p><p>Many hugs to you.</p><p>Be kind to yourself, <em>you matter</em>. I know how it feels to be the “bad” guy. The one frustrated, worried and pushing for change. It is hard.</p><p>(((Hugs)))</p><p>Leafy</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="New Leaf, post: 729030, member: 19522"] Your post reminds me so much of my eldest daughter at that age. She was hell bent on partying, disrespectful, unmotivated. Stayed out all night, slept till 10:00, just thought she could do whatever she pleased. It was frustrating and totally disrupted the peace in our home. That was 20 years ago. I had two of her younger siblings to raise and was not going to put up with it anymore, so out she went. She ended up living with friends, couch surfed. It was hard watching her drift along. Of course, in her eyes everything was “my fault”. I often ponder on that time and wonder if I would do the same now. In a heartbeat. When kids grow up and fail to launch, abusing the privilege of living in our homes, what can we do? It seemed like a standoff. Like she was goading me with her actions and attitude to give her the boot. I think it was Cedar who wrote that when we bend every which way to house and try to help our grown kids, it is as if we have clipped their wings. They were meant to grow and stand on their own. We are telling them they are not capable. They are, if they choose to be. Maybe that’s what all the disrespect is about. They become resentful. They are going to do exactly what they want to do. I think of my parents who inculcated from a young age that once we were 18, we would have to find our own way. We could stay at home if we went to college. None of us wanted to stay home. Most of my friends were the same. What is different now? Rents are expensive, there is so much out there for a “flailing” young adult to get messed up with. We are fearful, I think. Rightly so. You are in a hard spot EM, I am sorry for your troubles. I am glad you are going to Al Anon, it is helpful to be able to vent and get feedback, find ways to sort through all of this. One true thing, we cannot control another human being, even our beloveds. They are going to live as they choose. I wish there was a remote control where we could push the “responsible” button. Sigh. That would be awesome. A “wake up and smell the coffee” or a “respectful” button would be great. Or even a “remember all we taught you” button. Those attributes are all there somewhere locked inside. I know that having a disruptive, partying, hanging with friends, 18 or 19 year old living at home is so heart wrenching and difficult. The thing is, if they continue as is and refuse to tow the line, by having them live at home, [I]we make it easier for them to continue as is.[/I] We are taking care of their basic needs and they don’t have to even think of that. More money left over for them to party. Just thoughts early in the morning. I know it’s hard EM. You will figure out a way through this. We all must do what we are comfortable with. Many hugs to you. Be kind to yourself, [I]you matter[/I]. I know how it feels to be the “bad” guy. The one frustrated, worried and pushing for change. It is hard. (((Hugs))) Leafy [/QUOTE]
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