Feels so "unmom"

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by tryingtobestrong, May 7, 2019.

  1. As many know the long road with my alcoholic son (24 years old) i have been on, I am still torn if I am doing the right thing.
    Last week he sent me a picture of his sobriety date and that he was 30 days sober. A day later it was a video of something he seen before work and the next day was a video of his sponsors cat.
    I replied to each and then there is no more communication. I don't reach out to him, I don't send him a card, etc.
    This past Saturday he sent me a text asking about his tooth, etc and I advised him about seeing the dentist he seen before out there since they accepted our insurance prior. I have not heard anything since.
    Silence and no contact worries me....
    I did send him an email with more dental insurance information so he has it to provide to the dentist. I haven't heard anything since Saturday.

    The mom in me is telling me to text him and see if he got an appointment or ask how he is doing. But then the other mom in me is saying to stay disconnected.

    I actually dread a text message from him. I fear he may ask me about our dog we had to put to sleep or he may hint for money. I won't give any money. I have learned that part.

    I shouldn't dread hearing from my son. That is what hurts.
    Am I being terrible by not texting and asking how he is doing? He did send me 2 videos and that was nice of things he seen last week but there is never a text asking how we are doing or how his grandparents are. Just needed to vent, share and ask for your opinions.
  2. BusynMember

    BusynMember Well-Known Member

    How are you doing is a phrase just asking for him to bombard you with stuff to make you feel guilty. I would ask no questions and send empowerment posts. Things like "There is sunsine even on stormy days." You can find better ones.

    This shows you care but does not beg for him to overwhelm you. A cute picture works too, like another cat or a joke is good too.
  3. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet


    I remember feeling that way too when our son was in Florida to go to sober living and then college (as we hoped) but he instead did the "Florida Shuffle" as some call it. I did not want to hear any bad news so when he'd call I'd freeze. Eventually when I realized he was not staying sober I cut ties emotionally as best I could and my husband/his father took over. I just could not bear the pain any longer.

    So I do get it. I think it's a defense mechanism that we use and I think it's just fine to use it.

    Your son has to get to a place where he wants to change his life for good. Only HE can get there. Mother's can beg and plead but as we all know, until they are ready it falls on deaf ears.

    In the meantime you need to do what YOU need to do to be okay and keep your sanity. Do not feel guilty. It is okay.

    My son has been back with us since November after completing a 13 month faith based program (God answered my prayers actually). We've had some bumps but for the most part he is doing well and said and is proving that he wants to move forward in his life. He does not hold anything against me that I had to do for ME. We don't talk about it either. The mother/son love is there like it always was.

    Keep praying if you are a believer.

    Hugs because this is tough!
  4. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    I agree with Busy, the part about sending uplifting pictures or memes, that neither invite nor ask for responses. That's where we run into trouble, or I do. Pushing for specific outcomes, or opening to his complaints, desires to "share" his plight and feelings with me. Tanya on this site is the champion of uplifting, yet neutral visual messages. I think she finds them online.

    This is the tough spot all of us are in: being a mother, in all of its aspects, brings us misery. Worry. Helplessness. FOG: Fear, obligation, guilt. That's the issue at hand. Not anything to do with your son. Over him, and his situation, as am I, you are helpless.
  5. Thanks for your feedback. It is killing me. I did find a picture of a breed of dog he likes and it had a funny saying so I sent that to him on Wednesday. I got back "lol". Haven't heard from him other that "lol" since last Saturday.
    My fear is relapse. When it goes silent, that is usually the reason.
    Praying for a sign I am wrong.
    If anyone knows how to reach Tanya for an uplifting message please let me know.
  6. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    Anybody can be contacted through private message in inbox. Or you can do a search for her posts, above right in the white search box. She has a caring, positive, realistic, and detached perspective.

    This is hard. There is no way around it, in my experience, except through it. I wish there was.

    PS I went to images.google.com and I entered "uplifting memes" and "memes." A lot came up.
    Last edited: May 10, 2019