Female complaints...

[klmno]

It must be a combination of female stuff ... I'm agitated and have a list of complaints a mile long. Since this is the only place I can safely list them, here goes-

1) Bifocals- what fool invented these? Well, maybe it's just mine- I don't know and that's a big part of the problem. I just got my first pair and I can't see diddly out of the lower half. If I hold a magazine a certain distance, in a certain position, and hold my head a certain way, I can read about 3 inches on that page. Whooopeee!! I told them man at the place I bought them- he said I was just getting used to them. HUMMM..

2) The computer has this darn trojan/virus/ spyware again. ARGHHH!! And- it's the type that as it is advertising to sell software to rid your computer of unwanted materrial, it pops up heavy porn all over the screen. Wonderful!

3) My boss was supposed to get back to me on the job/medication insurance issue. Then he went on vacation and didn't leave me enough work to do...

4) I'm still bugged about my bro sending this card. It isn't so much this "one" card. It is that it is obvious that he won't go away and leave things alone. And, I can see through how he words things in these cards to difficult child- "he can't help how difficult child's mom (me) feels". Like he isn't trying to instigate something? His actions prove otherwise. I understand that difficult child has rights to certain realtionships with family members. However, difficult child has said he doesn't want to call his uncle. And if he did want that or more, this is still my house, my phone, my mailbox, and although difficult child is not my property, he is my 13 yo son and as long as I am legally responsible for his actions, I will have the final say-so over how much somebody else is going to be involved in his life- short of a court order. The judge didn't even put the agreement for difficult child to be allowed to call if he wanted (with me listening in) in a court order. So, technically speaking, I don't have to do that. Fortunately, difficult child hasn't wanted to. Bro just wants to instigate stuff then act like he had nothing to do with it- he's just trying to "rescue" difficult child from me.

5) We're supposed to visit my mom in a few weeks. Our relationship has been pretty strained since she contributed to my bro starting all that last year. Really, it's been strained for years. I feel like she sold out our relationship over and over again through the years- and she knows I feel that way. she apologized and acted like she was so sorry and loved us so much last year. I have been trying to rebuild some kind of relationship with her, figuring that she IS my mother, no matter what, and she won't always be here. So, I've tried to make sure that difficult child and I see her more often, but still keep visits short, stress-free, and simple. I did tell her that we would like to take her to a dinner show (comedy) while we were there this trip. She said she would like to go. Then, last weekend, she calls and says the only 2 friends (really, they are 25 years younger than her and mostly just help her out when she needs it), would like to meet me. She says they offered to cook out and have us all over for dinner while we're visiting. Dummy me just says that sounds great and accepts the invite. Then, mom says that they all felt we should meet so they would feel more comfortable calling me when/if something happens to my mom. Ohhh.

By the next morning, I had those feelings all through my body that something is wrong with this story. First, to meet only requires them coming over for 1/2 hour, the way I see it. If we're going to talk funeral planning, we aren't going to do it over dinner the first time we meet. Second, my mom just wouldn't go about things this way. What she would do, is ask them to spend time with difficult child and me to see if they think anything is wrong with difficult child or my parenting. Yep- that would be her. That HAS been her. And I really don't want to spend one of my vacation evenings that way. And difficult child would just be trying to entertain himself without either family focus or other kids around. So, I emailed my mom and asked as graciously as I could - tried to bow out of this, saying I really thought we'd be too tired and we'd prefer to stay home and relax and why didn't they just stop over for a little while to meet rather than going through the trouble of cooking for us. She emails back and says -but they already said they would (we're talking 3 1/2 weeks from now), they are going to grill steak for us, she just doesn't know what she would say to them now about it because they offered and they will even have to work that day, but if I really don't want to, just tell her asap. Geez...

6) I can't get my color scheme to something I like on my profile page. I feel so cyber-challenged!!!

7) I just don't like feeling like I am getting old....my body aches half the time. It hurts to carry in groceries. Fortunately, difficult child helps but I'm starting to think about how things will be in the future when he won't be here to help. I liked things a lot better when he was young and the biggest problem with him was a call from school or day care. My body didn't hurt then. Now, I'm suffering pms and menopause at the same time- and I didn't even know that was possible. I'm grumpy and impatient. I. DO. NOT. WANT. TO GET. ANY. OLDER. LOL!!

 

[Star*]

So what yer sayin' is you are sorry you didn't get that loaf of bread that was on sale and got hotdog buns instead and left the coupon for the bread at home and found out the coupon for the hotdogs is not any good?

I so know the feeling.

Tell me what colors you like -
I'll do my page that way-
If you like it I'll write down how to for you to do it -

It's about the only problem I can solve for ya hon.

As far as your Mom and her friends? ONLY YOU are thinking they are going to disect your parenting. There is another post here on lack of trust and issues leftover from people who have burned us. Your Mom burned you, you don't trust her. If you can't trust her you dont' want to be parading your son in front of her for MORE fuel for her fire. I get that. But what if it's something else? What if everyone maybe didn't have the money for a night out and just wanted your Mom to be comfy? Hard to tell, but you've got some great parenting skills, AND like I have always said - Cinderella went to the ball, but it didn't mean she had to stay when the clock struck 12. Know what I mean??

And as far as your mondo bizzaro brother? There are hypenated adult words you CAN use to get through all this - you're just not used to using them, but maybe it's time you start. LOTS of words can be placed in front of the word OFF to give your statement some hair. GET OFF, BACK OFF, JERK OFF, and the list is essentially long but use your own judgement.

Also this MAY be a good time for your son and you to sit with your Mom and have HIM tell your Mom that he's just against your brother - he's JUST kid - and when HE is ready to make contact - then he will. My son did this at 10 yo. When they (xmil * clan) didn't back off - I wrote a scathing letter - I told you I'd write one for you. Believe me it was a smoker. And NO ONE bothered me - no one even bothered to get ahold of me and tell me that she died (of course her son ran over her with her own car so I can only imagine how THAT call would have gone) but you get my drift?

Let me know about the colors......I'll be glad to help.

 

[susiestar]

I am sending a big ole basket of HUGS. Every time one of those nasty cards from your bro comes, these HUGS will surround you with love and keep the nasties out. They will also work to give you the stones to call your mom and back out of this whatever it is. Say your vacation was cancelled, whatever. BUT your instincts are telling you that something isn't right here, LISTEN TO THEM!!!!!!

I am concerned because the card from bro and the visit to mom with the cookout just seem too close together. She may be trying to get ammo for your bro.

Stop. Think. Go to a waterpark or something else FUN that day instead!!!

as for bifocals, they happen. we thought my mom was going to LOSE IT when she got her first pair. She could hardly walk and chew gum they were so confusing. Now she has had eye surgery for a problem and they fixed it all.

husband got contacts - one for near vision and one for distance. I think it is strange, and he had trouble adjusting, but they seem to work well.

I am sorry your body aches from groceries and stuff. How are your vitamin levels?? Maybe some extra vitamin B would help?

You really do need to stand up to your mom though. It may or may not be worthwhile keeping the relationship. Sometimes the sanest choice is to NOT have a relationship with a relative.

Remember we love you!

 

[Sara PA]

1. He's lying. Insist they redo them. That's what my optomestrist friend tells me tell my friends when they make the same complaints. Are they the kind with the line or graduated? Either way, they should be better than that.

2. Spybot -- http://www.safer-networking.org
AdAware -- http://lavasoft.com/products
Both free. Download, update, immunize the Spybot.
Consider using a browser other than IE. Opera is my favorite. Most others prefer Firefox. Both are free.

3. My boss never goes on vacation and I have way too much work. Can't help you with that one.

4. Yes, he can help how you feel. He can stop being a poor excuse for a human being. That would help a lot about how you feel. Maybe we should switch brothers for a while. I only hear from mine at Thanksgiving and Christmas only because he likes my cooking. You need a brother break and I can handle a jerk for a while.

5. Just tell her "I'm sorry, I've changed my mind. There shouldn't be a problem because they surely haven't bought any food this far ahead. If you need to tell them something, tell them I'm rude, you didn't raise me right." Or maybe not.

6. No suggestions here. Color scheme? If it ain't red it doesn't matter.

7. It could be worse. Instead of feeling like you're getting old, you could be old. But us crones have to worry about neither PMS nor menopause. There are some advantages to getting old....especially when you consider the alternative. (One of these days I'm going write a blog about how being 60 is nothing like I thought it would be.)

 

[hearts and roses]

Sending hugs - I can certainly relate!

 

[KTMom91]

Yeah...me too. Bifocals vacuum. But yours do not sound anywhere close to being right. Go in and throw up on the guy. Tell him they've been making you sick.

Spybot works great.

I'm not working right now, can't help with that one.

For bro and mo? Go somewhere else for vacation. Do the Nancy Reagan and JUST SAY NO.

Colors? I poked buttons till I got something I liked, and I'm not really sure how I did it.

Sending hugs for the feeling old part...I have days like that and I hate it.

 

[klmno]

Thanks, everyone! I had this big response typed up a few mins ago then all this porn popped up and I couldn't get rid of it without exiting out of everything. So, I'll have to send bits and pieces until I get one of these downloads completed- Thanks Sara & Mary.

These things have to be illegal don't they? Why can't the government stop them?

 

[Hound dog]

Yeah...me too. Bifocals vacuum. But yours do not sound anywhere close to being right. Go in and throw up on the guy. Tell him they've been making you sick.

Your bifocals definately need redone. Same thing I told my Mom when hers were making her so sick and dizzy she could barely make it across the room. I never had a problem with mine, had them for years now.

Cancel on the cookout if it really makes you uncomfortable. I understand the whole trust issue thing, been there done that. But it's possible brother's card has got you on edge too. Think of it this way, if it didn't work last time.....odds are it never will. And forget about it. You're a great parent. Bro is a jerk with issues. I'd have already completely broken contact with him if it was me.

Getting old?? Yeah. Menopause blows. Doesn't help that my Mom pretends now that she never had a symptom and laughs at her 3 daughters who are right in the middle of it.

I'll tell you what's really bad about getting old.........not recognizing yourself in the mirror! OMG is that really ME?

Can't help with the color thing as I don't know how to do it either. lol

(((hugs)))

 

[Wiped Out]

I agree that the bifocals need to be reworked. I had no trouble adjusting to mine other then they made me feel old!

I would cancel on the cookout-it sounds like it will be too stressful which you don't need right now.

I think I'm more cyber-challenged than you-I didn't even know we could have color schemes and when I looked at it I was totally confused!

Getting older complaints-I'm right there with you!

 

[everywoman]

2) The computer has this darn trojan/virus/ spyware again. ARGHHH!! And- it's the type that as it is advertising to sell software to rid your computer of unwanted materrial, it pops up heavy porn all over the screen. Wonderful!


Had this same issue. I used http://www.malwarebytes.org/ It's the only one that worked for me.

 

[klmno]

Ok- I've tried to download 2 different ones of the virus protection. It won't let me and goes to "server not found"- this happened before once the virus had gotten into windows or something. Anyway- since yesterday, I have a new "toolbar" that says "security toolbar 7.1" I think it might have come with the virus. But I'm not sure. Does anyone know how to get rid of that toolbar (you can't find it in the list when you right-click , then try to check it off). Does anyone know how to get around it (the virus) not letting you download a file?

 

[DammitJanet]

I will ask Billy to come work with you on the virus aspect in a little bit.

As to the colors for the profile page...there is a website for any HTML color scheme challenged people.

This gives all the color codes for all the pretty colors. Or most of them.

Just plug in the color you like and hit the key to preview.

Now as far as the other issues. I learned some new techniques today in my DBT training that may be helpful. I say learned...well maybe I should say I was introduced to them.

I am going to write them out for you here and maybe you can get something out of them too.

Interpersonal Effectiveness SKills.

F>A>S>T

Self respect is the goal of this skill. This skill helps you balance investing in others and yourself.


F= Fair to Self
A= Apologize less
s= Stick to Values
T= Truthful with Self

For maximizing self-respect, DBT recommends you be Fair to yourself and the other person, avoid overdoing Apologies, Stick to your values without selling out, and be Truthful about your needs and feelings (don't act helpless when you're not, or make up excuses).

Decide when FAST is useful in relationships and when it is not. Decide ways you can use FAST in your relationships.

Distress Tolerance


Radical Acceptance

The distraction techniques above offer the opportunity to change our experience for a least a brief respite from emotional pain, while we rebuild our strength. The dialectical balance to this emphasis on change is a powerful statement of the idea of acceptance as a way out of extreme distress. The concept of Radical Acceptance suggests that we suffer less if we let go of struggling with what is occurring. This does not mean that we endorse as 'good' what is going on, or that we never try to make changes in the long run. Radical Acceptance suggests that in this moment, what is happening is happening, whether we like it or not. Screaming about it in our mind will not help, but merely exhaust us. Acceptance mode is the fastest way out of pain; we save our strength until we can find a way to change the situation.




Basically Radical Acceptance is about acknowledging what you have control over and what you don't. You have control over your thoughts, feelings, impulses, and behaviors. You can influence and impact other people but you cant control them. You can influence and impact the environment but you cant change it. RA is sometimes misunderstood as resignation, approval and being passive. It is not; it is about investing your time in energy in what you can control: yourself.

 

[nvts]

K! I have to admit I laughed with the junk your mom is pulling. I've been watching reruns of the Soprano's at like 3 am (I've had insomnia throughout my life) and she's starting to sound like Tony Soprano's mother.

Guilt, guilt, guilt.

My advise: keep the bifocals that make you want to hurl until after the trip. While you're there, keep acting like you're throwing up - therefore the perfect "out" for the barbecue.

Contact a chryogenics lab and ask them to mail you some brochures. If any conversation turns to funerals, tell them that your motto is to put the "fun" back in "funeral" and you've decided to preserve Mom and your brother so that once whatever ailed them to cause their demise is cured, they can be brought back and they can live together for all eternity! Then hand out the brochures.

Virus? I hope Janet's help will get rid of the bloody thing.

PSM & Menopause? That's what I thought my problem was! Double up on birthcontrol! lol!

Feel better hon, we're in close proximity in age and all I can say is: the last time the OB/GYN brought up the "well, you know, you're 44 and things change" I told him I'd hit him in the head with a brick if he brought it up again! Once you hit 40, start telling people you're 52. That way they'll always tell you how great you look for your age!

Beth

 

[Sara PA]

Try downloading Opera or Firefox then downloading the SpyBot and Adaware using one of those browsers. Depending on what has corrupted your IE, it won't let you download those programs. And, as far as I know, those hijacking taskbar prograams don't install themselves in Opera or Firefox. Or much less commonly.

Most of the spy ware installs itself so that they start up when you start Windows. Some are programed to circumvent the spy ware remover programs. You have to go the Start Menu, the Run then type in msconfig and go into the Startup tab. Then you have to uncheck all the stuff that you don't need up and running the second you turn on your computer. That's pretty much everything but your mouse, keyboard, monitor and the actual Windows operating system. SysTray is one you need. Everything else will start just fine when you click on the program. Trouble is, it's hard to tell what's what. I've done google searches on the programs listed and turned off those known to be malware as well as those that just don't need to be running from the second I turn on my computer. It only takes a second longer for the program to start when I need it rather when I boot. (Doing this cuts the time needed to boot the computer.)

Once you turn if off in Startup, then you have to reboot. You can get caught in a circular problem of the malware is running and when you turn it off in Startup, it immediately reinstalls itself there. Sometimes you have to go into Alt-Ctrl-Delete, turn off the program, go immediately to Startup and turn it off there and reboot. It can get tricky and time consuming. That malware can be nasty.

I learned all this when I spent five hours cleaning my exBIL's computer when it was so messed up they literally couldn't navigate with IE. Didn't matter, they ignored everything I told them to do -- and not to do -- and were back in the same boat within days.

 

[butterflydreams]

Ahhhhhh I am sending a bunch of hugs.

I would definitely pass on the bbq if it makes you uncomfortable. If you are uncomfortable difficult child will be too.

Bifocals - I'm on my second pair. Yuk. It does sound like your prescription might be off.

The whole virus thing - try Windows Defender it is a free download. When I had a real bad problem with this at work, this is what they downloaded and installed on my computer.

Christy

 

[klmno]

Thanks, all!! I'm working through the computer issues so haven't been posting much since last night. I think I'm getting rid of the problems- little by little. It is taking more than one program to do it, but that;'s ok- it is still better than the darn virus getting to the point of corrupting windows like it did a couple of months ago.

I'll try to get back on later this evening and give better responses to all these great ideas on the other "issues". Janet- that's a pretty good strategy- it sounds kind of like a method of living by the serenity prayer (which I love).

Some of you ladies had me RMAO!! Star- thanks so much- I'll respond more specificly later. You were weirding me out with all those avatar changes for a while, but now it looks like POOTIE!!

Love ya guys!!

 

[klmno]

Ok- I feel soooo much better- here's my update!

1) I didn't know prescription glasses could be messed up like that but now that I do- I'll be making issue about it at difficult child''s appointment.

2) I'm getting there with the computer- it's a lot better than it was last night- thanks to all for that one!

3) I'll guess we'll see how things go next week when my boss is back. If I have to relocate or sell the house and start over, next year would be the best time since difficult child will be (should be) between middle school and high school.

4) As far as bro- I think I might call the attny and see what he says- if he writes a letter or advises me, it should help in the future if this ends up in court again. If I end up sending a message to him myself, I would love your input, Star!

Really, I think his actions for the past 3 years have been more to get at me than anything. He cares for difficult child, but these actions aren't signs of love, they are signs of resentment, lack of respect, and trying to have a battle of wills (toward me), in my humble opinion. No one who cares for a child acts sympathetic and friendly towards the child then steers the child or aids them to do inappropriate things while at the same time, uses that information to lead other family members to believe that the child is doing horrible things (the very things they aided in), and also uses that information to tell legal authorities how bad the parent is. I will never believe that those actions were done out of love for difficult child or were signs of love. He set difficult child up and tried to set him up more. He didn't do that to try to get difficult child sent to detention, he really thought it would give justification to me being a bad parent so he could get custody. But what fool does things like this and can actually think that a kid who is already in trouble legally couldn't potentially be sent to a loong-term detention or who knows where? I can never even imagine forgiving him. Not to mention the things he was yelling to difficult child about on the phone last year- not things like "get your act together- stay out of trouble" like some of us do when we're mad at the kid. But things like "your mother doesn't love you" - "if it wasn't for me (bro) difficult child would be going to foster care". ARGHHHH!!! difficult child did tell my mom last year that he did not want to live with my bro. He alaso told the GAL that and that he didn't want to talk to him anymore. difficult child told bro these things, too. I'll see what the attny says first- Star, I think it is my bro who needs to get the point that difficult child will let him know if he ever wants to talk to him again.

5) I don't trust my mom- I know that sounds horrible but I have every reason and then some. But, I do still love her and after the heartbreak that difficult child feels over bro's actions, I don't want him to have to face another one right now regarding his grandmother. I will talk to her this weekend. I will tell her what I have no problem with, but what I am not comfortable with. I guess we'll see how it goes from there. She says that she has had no contact with my bro since last year when she wouldn't come to testify that difficult child should go live with him- she wouldn't take any action to back up his efforts. She also says that the reason they haven't had any contact and the reason that I never need to worry about him getting info from her again or otherwise causing me problems with her involved is because "he won't call her or communicate with her anymore". And anytime I try to discuss how angry I am at him or that I don't think his actions are proof of love for difficult child, she just says "well, how do I think she feels- he mislead and lied to her".

What makes this seem so absurd to me is that my dad's parents (who raised bro after our dad died), tried to do the same thing to my mom to get custody of me. The EXACT same thing! And she fought it. She documented EVERYTHING and had a legal order of guardianship drawn up, even tho she was my bio-mom. And, as screwy as she was and acted many, many times, i have to say that I never once wanted to live anywhere other than with my mom. And I grew to resent my grandparents' tactics a lot. I really felt that their actions were not out of love for me- if they were, they would have been trying to help my mom and me- not take me from my mom after I'd just lost my dad.

So, my bro- I can see why he's a jerk. My mom has NO excuse in my book. This was the "talk" we had last year. So what do I believe? I don't know if she's still in contact with bro or not. My mom is not normal. That was clear many years ago. I just still love her and try to overlook her and try to not let myself get in situations where she has too much info about difficult child or me. She cannot be trusted with it. And, she does not always think rational or deal with things rationally. If I have any conversation with my new friends that she is pushing- it will be that someone might need to help me communicate with mom's dr about mental competence, because she gets worse as she gets older. Although, she has been taking anxiety medications and they seem to be helping- the day will probably come when she stops them or they aren't as helpful anymore.

Contact a chryogenics lab and ask them to mail you some brochures. If any conversation turns to funerals, tell them that your motto is to put the "fun" back in "funeral" and you've decided to preserve Mom and your brother so that once whatever ailed them to cause their demise is cured, they can be brought back and they can live together for all eternity! Then hand out the brochures.

That has just become my backup plan!!

6) I'm going to play with more colors this weekend! Janet's link to the color thing is great!!

7)

Getting old?? Yeah. Menopause blows.

I guess that is all that can be said about that! At least difficult child helps me out around the house and does yardwork- for now anyway.