Female insecurity, envy and jealousy mini vent

[Nomad]

I apologize if this comes off wrong...
Why is it that many women tend to be insecure?

I've had two experiences recently that have troubled me deeply.

First of all...a little background. I lost a fair amount of weight doing WW. Prior to that, combined with health issues and difficult child issues, I rarely dressed nicely and frowned a lot. Today, I am usually either at goal weight or very near it. I worked very hard to get there. I like to dress nicely. What I mean by that is that I pay attention to colors, I usually wear a little heal, I often have a little make up on and a little jewlery, etc. I don't dress NICELY all the time. If I go to the food store...I might not dress the best. If I go to the gym...I might look really bad actually...I don't care. But for the most part, I have my make up on and try to look my best. In addition, since my kids have moved out I have done some exciting things with my life. I am happier and it shows.

Of late, I have noticed that if I go to church without my husband...I am treated with COLD STARES by the women. And the men barely talk to me. I think it is possible that they have been told by their wives not to.

I'm not the greatest attendance wise...but my husband is even worse.

The last time this difference in the way people treat me...well it was VERY noticeable.

YET...I have NEVER been flirtateous, etc. not even a little. nada.

Today (not at church) I was talking about how dressing nicely makes a person feel better and how we can dress to hide figure flaws and someone got really upset with me and said that all that matters is what is inside. I totally "get" that...but I still think it doesn't change the fact that most of us like to dress up sometimes (when it is appropriate) and to hide our figure flaws so that they don't stand out.


I know this is so totally about folks feeling insecure...but ya know I have my moments too. For example, I would like to go to church by myself and not be treated like a tra-p (esp. when I haven't DONE A THING). This has upset me so terribly...husband says he will do his best to go and when he can't, I shouldn't go. I think there is a small chance that if he doesn't enjoy it...that we'll stop going.

Also, is there anything I can do short of dressing differently and putting the weight back on to stop narly women from treating me poorly?

 

[gcvmom]

I doubt you can stop the stares from the shallow ones at church. I think I'd be shopping for a different church that was more accepting of me for what's on the inside instead of how I look on the outside.

 

[trinityroyal]

{{{Hugs}}} Nomad,

I don't understand why some women behave that way either.
Some people do seem to assume that if you take some time or trouble over your appearance, that you're rubbing their faces in their own shortcomings.

In a way, this is akin to our difficult children' behaviour when they blame their troubles on others. The effort you are taking with your appearance is highlighting someone else's discontent with theirs, and instead of doing something about it, they blame you.

This sort of thing used to happen to me a lot when husband and I first got together. He is quite a few years older than me and when we first started going to social events in his circle, the wives greeted me with great suspicion. Since I was Wife version 2.0, it was almost as though the other wives were afraid that I would either give their husbands idea about dumping them for younger women, or that I would be after all of their husbands too.

I found that the best thing was to just hold my head high and behave as though they were all welcoming me with open arms. If someone said something that could be interpreted either well or badly, I would always react as though they meant well. After a very short while they got tired of trying to set me up for a fall, and they started to get to know me. Now some of these women are very close friends.

Others are still b*tchy, but I react as though they're the sweetest women on earth. They may think I'm a bit of a bimbo for not "getting it", but they are getting the frustration of seeing their best catty comments miss the mark totally. And...the nicer ones are starting to see the others for who they really are.

Hold your head high and don't let them chase you away from church. You're not doing anything wrong, so don't let them make you behave as though you are. If you stop going to church, they will feel that they've won and some will assume that "where there's smoke, there's fire".

Sorry they're being so gnarly. Hope they see the light soon.
Trinity

 

[Big Bad Kitty]

Know what? Females simply s*ck. We do. It is in our hard-wiring.

I contacted a male friend through myspace, someone I had worked with for years. He told me that his new girlfriend immediately started having a cow. And I DON'T look good. WTH?

 

[trinityroyal]

I think a lot of us are socialized from a very early age to view other women as competition. Especially competition for boys. Which leads to a whole lot of catty and insecure behaviour. (I guess the boys aren't complaining too much when they have a bunch of women fighting over them...)

I just think of the number of possible friendships that will never happen because we're too busy hating and mistrusting each other. Makes me kind of sad.

Trinity

 

[flutterbee]

I'll play devil's advocate.

Is it possible you're misinterpreting the looks? They may simply be admiring, maybe a bit envious. Are you nervous or anxious when you attend church alone? That could put off an air that is often mistaken for snobbery.

I know when I was insecure and I cared what other people thought, I noticed looks from others. I know I misinterpreted some as hostile. Now that I'm secure with who I am, I don't even notice the attention I do or do not get. It's not even on my radar. I have also noticed that if I walk into a room with a smile on my face, I receive smiles in return.

Just food for thought.

 

[Andy]

I think we need to trade churches. I get those looks because I do not dress up. I use to enjoy dressing up until I became a mommy. Now I go for comfort. Sometimes will wear dresses, sometimes shorts. When I did enjoy dressing up, I did makeup for only a few years and a tad bit of jewelry. I remember having fun with the coordinating of everything.

I also understand about wanting to stay with which ever denomination you are with. I had a friend who encouraged me to change churches but I told her that I went to church for my belief not to find a social group. Is there another congregation with the beliefs you are looking for?

I also figured out that people do not know how to introduce themselves. They are curios but everyone expects everyone else to make the first step in an introduction. They are probably just very curious about who you are.

If you would like to stay with this church, try meeting people by attending a bible study, attending any church get together, offering to help in Sunday School (if there is a VBS this summer, offer to help with that), offering to help in the kitchen or setting tables for a church event. I know anyone who came to me and said they wanted to help with Sunday School or VBS would be my forever best friend.

There is nothing wrong with wanting to dress up. There is nothing wrong with not wanting to dress up. We just have to feel good and you are right, dressing up does make you feel better (though that isn't going to make me dress up unless I want to Know what I mean??).

I have always worked on looking past how people dress. I am secure enough to dress in casual shorts, walk into a business meeting and make everyone look past what I am wearing and listen to what I say. (and I am not a good looking person who can easily pull that off - just years of practice.)

 

[Shari]

While Heather does have food for thought, what you think you're seeing, in my humble opinion, is quite possible, too. Women, for whatever reason, seem to be that way.

As for the church thing...I rarely go anymore because of judgements regarding difficult child. Just wasn't worth it. Still have my faith, I try to live it, I just don't like being persecuted by the very people who claim they don't do that...

 

[flutterbee]

I wasn't trying to imply that it wasn't happening and I apologize if it came across that way. I was just trying to offer another perspective.

I, too, have noticed those kinds of look from people. I tend to smile brightly and say, 'B!tch' under my breath. Makes me feel better.

 

[TerryJ2]

Nomad, if it's that bad, I'd change churches. Unless the minister is so fantastic that s/he makes up for it.
Our church is so laid back that we often wear shorts in the summer. We had a guest speaker once, a woman who waaaay overdressed--she was very nice looking, but frankly, she looked like she was going to speak at a women's cosmetic convention ruffles and pearls and spike heels ... and since I was the one who made the contact and arrangements, I should have warned her. But the only comments I heard were, "Ohh, someone should have warned her that we're really laid back," and they felt badly for her.
I cannot imagine being mean about it. I just don't get that.

But back to your issue ... yes, women can be petty. In fact, the former minister for my husband's church had a column in their weekly church paper on exactly that topic. It was a make-believe conversation at a church softball game, between a holier-than-thou know-it-all and a sincere church member. The holier-than-thou woman was uptight because the women on the team were wearing shorts (I know he made that up because it's the team uniform, but clearly, something had happened, probably more similar to what happened to you). And of course, his point was that the point of being a Christian was to love, not judge your neighbor.

Keep dressing nicely and taking good care of yourself. If I went to your church, I'd be right there next to you, asking you where you shop because I'd love everything you have on!

 

[Nomad]

Thank you everyone. At first I thought it was my imagination...but this last church visit seemed inappropriate enough to make me think otherwise. I know when I feel a twinge of jealousy toward another, I make a mental note to look within myself to see what I might need to be working on. Usually, it's simply because I don't feel like I'm trying my best at something. IT is ashame that some women can be so insecure as to snipe in public....but I do recognize that I can't take on the problems of the entire world. I will keep on going to church when I want and I assume husband will do so. Socialization was part of the reason I wanted to go and if they are so uncomfortable with my attendance patterns that they can't get accustomed to it (there are signs that this is actually improving), then I might chose to go back for Chistmas and Easter only....which is what they seem to teach the public to do.

 

[TerryJ2]

Heather, ROFL! Somehow, I think you're supposed to pray for them, instead. LOL.

 

[flutterbee]

Heather, ROFL! Somehow, I think you're supposed to pray for them, instead. LOL.

Well, I've never claimed to be perfect.

 

[Lothlorien]

People in churches should not be judgemental. I find that if you are in a church that makes you feel that uncomfortable, something is not right. You should probably seek out another church. The last thing you should be thinking about, while at church, is what others are thinking about you. They should be happy for you that you lost weight and look and feel better.

If you want to dress nice at church, great. If you don't have the means to dress nice, well that's fine too. It's what's in your heart that matters and not how you dress.

 

[Fran]

Has anyone said anything in church? How do you know why they are looking at you? I'm just confused. The whole church is making you feel like you are a loose woman? Being dressed and well groomed doesn't scream loose morals to me.
Maybe this is about something else. I don't really notice people that microscopically. If I were getting looks I would tend to think I had said something off the wall as opposed to thinking someone was jealous.
Hopefully, this is just a one time thing and you won't be looked at weirdly the next time.
I'd dress the way I want. Up or down. It's no one's business especially at church.

 

[KTMom91]

Unfortunately, there does seem to be a lot of this in churches...which is the main thing that kept me away from organized religion for years. And was a deciding factor in changing to the church we're in now. If you're not in the "holy huddle", you get passed over.

If you feel uncomfortable, look around and find a church that feels welcoming. Churches have their own personalities, like people, and this may no longer be a good fit for you.

 

[Nomad]

Thank you for your responses.