Fetal Alcohol Syndrome (FAS)/Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) parents - Would you adopt again?

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by BeachPeace, Jul 23, 2011.

  1. BeachPeace

    BeachPeace Guest

    This is my secret place - I sometimes feel like coming here is the only place in the world where I read about others like me.
    After adoption - the guilt of what my family has been through dealing with Blue's Fetal Alcohol Syndrome (FAS) and emerging mood disorder/Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) has been so hard on me.
    I know it is not my fault and I do see him making progress - healing - having more good days than bad.....
    I have a deep desire to adopt again - as hard as it is some days - I would love another child. And so I feel guilty about that - like "how dare I want another child when some days we live in the house of insanity"
    What do you guys think? Especially adoptive parents - would you do it again?
  2. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip

    I'm not exactly an adoptive parent, more like a stepparent, but yes. I'd take them on again. Baggage and all.
  3. timer lady

    timer lady Queen of Hearts

    Never again..... Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) children tear your heart into pieces, have to control every situation in any means possible, & the treatment is never ending with a poor prognosis. I think I would go childless before I did this again.
  4. JJJ

    JJJ Active Member

    I'm with Timerlady...never again. Kids like Kanga should never be placed in family homes, ever.
  5. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I have adopted four kids. One was out of foster care and has special needs.

    In MY situation, my son is going to need help as an adult. He is going to turn 18 in a month and then the fun begins, geting guardianship and making sure he gets an appropriate job and housing and services for as long as he needs them. Since he dodged the Fetal Alcohol Syndrome (FAS) bullet (trust me, this is NOT due to his birthmother) t here may come the day when he can live alone, but it will be at a much older age and he will still need a caseworker peaking in on him. For ME, I am seeing the end of raising a child who has been damaged by drugs/alcohol in utero. I worry about him a lot. I would not want to adopt a c hild again unless I could be 100% assured that I won't have to worry about these adult issues ever again. One of my children (bless his heart) has said he would be Sonic's guardian when we are gone. I can not ask my other kids to take care of two of them.

    You have to do what you feel is right, but look to the future. The chances that anyone with Fetal Alcohol Syndrome (FAS) is going to be self-sufficient AND successful that way is extremely unlikely. If you adopt through the state, the child profiles are often so wrong as to be useless. If you adopt privately and strike up a good rapport with the birthmother you have a better shot of knowing if your baby will grow up to be self-sufficient (this happened with Jumper's birthmother and Jumper IS a great kid who will be self-sufficient). If you adopt overseas, there is also that alcohol spectrum risk, espescially if you choose Eastern Europe.

    Think future. It comes sooner rather than later and decide what you can handle, what your family can handle, and what your alternatives are if the child grows up to need ongoing help even after you are gone (this is just my advice...you can actually do what you like :) )

    Adopted kids have a much higher rate of different disorders and issues.

    If all this is cool with you...go for it! If not, best to wait for that biological clock to calm down. You can always wait and see how your difficult child is doing as he nears adulthood. Your child is only eight. Wait until he is sixteen or seventeen (my .02 only).

    Take care and let us know what you've decided. Hey, we care :)!
  6. Rabbit

    Rabbit Member

    I would do it all again. Issues and all. I must add difficult child 1 (adopted at 7 years old from a Russian orphanage ) is finally getting his act together. difficult child 3 has major issues and I do not know what the future holds. difficult child 2 never be able to live on his own. ( mental retardation) . Hugs Rabbit
  7. wethreepeeps

    wethreepeeps New Member

    Someone contacted me last week about adopting a 6 year old boy and I nearly had a panic attack. It hurts my heart that I am frankly just too scared to parent again. I feel like a failure. Like there could have been more I could have done, I should have *been* more for my son. I can't get past that insecurity and fear to even think of doing it again, even though I know I have room in my heart for another child.
  8. ready2run

    ready2run New Member

    if i had proof somehow that the child would not be difficult child i would consider it. i'm not an adoptive parent but i am somewhat like an adoptive parent as i took my step-son out of fostercare when i met him, he was 2 then. worst mistake i ever made. i love him but he makes everything into a constant struggle and i'd rather not have to go through this with him, or maybe do it from afar and have him in foster care and only have visitation. i think if i went back to the beginning when we found out he was in care and was about to be adopted out i'd have okayed husband to sign the papers and let him go somewhere else. yes, i know that sounds horrible.
  9. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Honestly, I just don't know. I love both of my kids (as we all do) so much. However, I'm so worn out and so still living in the daily battle field so to speak that right now I would probably say no, other days I might say yes. Truly for me though, I don't think I would have the energy.
  10. pepperidge

    pepperidge New Member

    I would tell a friend who was considering to do everything she could to find an infant who was not affected with Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) or Fetal Alcohol Syndrome (FAS). Let's just say it doesn't add to the parenting experience which is hard enough under any circumstance. Doesn't mean you don't love what you have but it is so much harder, with so much more heartache and less rewards. We're talking pretty severely affected children here. For many it is hard to say would you do it over again knowing what you know now --probably for many it is hard not to imagine having the children that you have, but for a friend embarking newly on the journey, the answer would be no.
  11. Malika

    Malika Well-Known Member

    Hello BeachPeace. Such a hard question you have posed... There is nothing wrong with you "wanting to do it again" - and there's nothing to say that if you did adopt again, it would be the same. I know quite a few adopted children (adopted at the same time as my little difficult child - just the luck of the draw) who seem basically "normal" and pose no specific problems. To frame the question differently, would I change the child I have adopted, which is another secret, guilty question that we probably all have asked ourselves? Because I sense that nothing comes out of the blue, without sense or meaning or opportunity, I would have to say no. The child I have is the one that it is right for me to have. That said, it is hard to understand sometimes exactly why it is so hard a path (with also many joys) - but such a question is beyond rational answering in my humble opinion. Does having my difficult child constantly force me back to the drawing board, force me to look at myself and my past life and experiences in a deeper, more intense and radical way than having an easy child would? Yes. Is that good or bad? Don't know. But it forces me to be present to something.
  12. BeachPeace

    BeachPeace Guest

    Wow. You guys are incredible.

    Biological clock? That is an idea that for some reason had not occured to me is likely lingering in my Subconscious - probably very true since I am mid-thirties.
    Also the comments about the energy and intensity and the future planning - those feeling resonate deep. Midwest Mama was right too - Blue will need lifelong assistance. Very overwhelming at times and could I ask my sister to be willing to take "another" child in the event that something happen to us.

    Maybe these thoughts are more of a grieving process..... the fantasy idea that by adopting again I could do it without the struggle - the guarantee that there would be no brain damage, no FASD, no attachment problems....... the sheer overwhelming intensity.

    Parenting for many of us did not turn out like we had planned.... is that fair? no. not to us and certainly not to our children. You guys make me feel normal with the guilty feelings that somehow I have "failed the motherhood test" by having kids like mine. That I have failed my family by wanting a second child that has ended up being a lifelong, intense, difficult challenge. To feel envious of people who don't have to give tons of dangerous medications just to have a child that does not rage into psychosis. To wish that I did not have to lock the pantry and deadbolt the front door.

    Maybe I don't want another child. Maybe I just want another chance.
  13. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Im not an adoptive parent but we were contacted about 5 years ago to see if we were interested in adopting our niece who was being taken by the state of SC from my SO's brother and his girlfriend immediately upon birth. This baby was known to be exposed to crack, cocaine, meth and alcohol in utero. I just couldnt do it. I had always wanted a girl but there was no way I could have taken on a baby girl at my age then with my health issues that would undoubtedly have many mental and physical disabilities. I was just about to have my first granddaughter too.

    I said no and the little girl was adopted by a doctor and his wife. Probably the best thing for her.
  14. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    BeachPeace, I understand about wanting another chance. During the worst times with Miss KT, I asked Hubby to have his vasectomy reversed, so we could have a child together, just so I would have that chance, and I was in my early 40's.

    Now I'm glad he was the voice of reason back then.
  15. JJJ

    JJJ Active Member

    Just to be clear, adoption isn't the issue. It is the extreme difficult child-ness.
  16. timer lady

    timer lady Queen of Hearts

    Adoption was the issue for me & my late husband. We had to go to court & sue the state we adopted the tweedles from to release critical information. We needed that info for the appropriate treatment & such for kt & wm.

    We were flying blind until that information was released. My late husband & I were livid that we had to go to such expense to find out just what was going on with kt & wm.

    BeachPeace I can understand wanting to parent ~ to possibly have a more positive parenting experience. I would love that as well, yet I'm beyond burned out. I would be fearful of the residual emotions of parenting kt & wm. I would be ever fearful of the same issues & diagnosis's that kt & wm carry.
  17. Fran

    Fran Former desparate mom

    No parent expects a child to be as difficult child as our kids are. Makes you shake your head when folks complain about a easy child who has behaviors that are a piece of cake compared to what we live with. It's the luck of the draw.
    I would never willingly walk into that role again. I am not an adoptive parent but a bio. I still wouldn't do it again. It's insanity to expect different results.
  18. JJJ

    JJJ Active Member

    I agree that the pre-adoption experiences of our difficult children are the issue. I meant that the act of adoption didn't cause this, but most certainly the abuse that led up to it IS the HUGE factor.
  19. skylar1953

    skylar1953 New Member

    No. Didn't know my daughter had been exposed to alcohol in utero. Behavior problems began at birth (not sleeping, couldn't keep food down, constant crying), but I could deal with that. However, once she started school, poor behaviors escalated to the point where children wrote letters to the principal asking that she be kept away from them. I sought help for her from many "experts" in Fetal Alcohol Effects (FAE)/Fetal Alcohol Syndrome (FAS), but even though she has an average (tho low) IQ, she continues to make poor decisions, is confrontational, can't keep friends, exposes her 10 y.o. son to dangerous situations (spending the weekends at homes of guys she just met). Stealing began at age 4 (impulsive), asking boys to f**k her in 6th grade (don't know where that came from). No matter how many medical interventions, medication interventions, psychiatric interventions I tried, she continued to decline. Began sneaking out at 14, in jail at 15, pregnant at 16. She did finally get her GED, but continues to be unemployed by choice. I am only in her life because of my grandson who turned out to be an amazing, intellectually gifted child. I try to keep him safe and expose him to a "normal" life. You can't change or "fix" a child like this, so unless this is a calling from God--think twice.

    27 y.o. girl, adopted at birth, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD), ODD, ADHD, Fetal Alcohol Effects (FAE)
  20. buddy

    buddy New Member

    Such a good question. when I was in my late thirties and early forties I thought about this more. I never once considered it because I knew my son needed me exclusively, and he is still young. I have thought many times that I would consider doing foster care once he is out of the home though. I would not adopt internationally at this point (I would have loved to) because I know that I can get supports in terms of therapy and insurance and stipends through foster to adopt in the US. I am not saying that because I dont want to spend money, but because like what happened in our case, if you are forced to really fully care for your child 24/7 and can't maintain your out of home job... or if their therapy needs go beyond standard insurance, then the public assistance for them is really needed (I dont get any public assistance for ME, just he does and that includes my staying home to care for him).

    I have no regrets but I don't have a child (at this time, and I hope not ever) who is a danger to others or society in general. We have had times like that but it is not the standard that I have to live with.

    I would actually be more likely to accept placement of a very daughter child, a physically impaired child, a deaf child....but Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) is not exclusive of these things so I would definitely need open records. I was even allowed to talk to the foster mom before accepting placement and she had him from seven months till he came to me at 2 yrs 10 months... I got the personal scoop including about her visits with the bio parents.

    I think I am too old now (48) to adopt a young child. I would (if no Q in my home) take a child into my home for sure... an older child. But would I adopt?? Just would all depend.