Fetal Alcohol Syndrome (FAS)/Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) parents - Would you adopt again?

[CopingWithRad]

My answer is "no". We adopted 2 bio siblings from Ukraine when they were 5 and 8, now 16 and almost 19. They have put us through hell. With no biological children, it's all about grief and loss for me. They manipulate and lie and cannot bond. It's been very hard. Can't wait for this job to be over.

I'm very glad I can be candid here and write exactly what I feel because it's totally anonymous.

This type of adoption should never be done without experience on the part of the would be adoptive parents. You need to really learn as much as you can before you even think about adopting children with these severe issues. The maternal drive however will make you think you can handle anything. But now I know, sadly, after it's too late, that thinking this way was very wrong.

Our "daughter" cannot hug us and will not open up emotionally. Our "son" didn't even think of calling or texting me for Mother's Day. He is no longer home with us and I expected at least something from him, even if it's awkward. So this is the reward after all the hell he's put us through.

Again NO!!! No is the answer.

 

[Liahona]

Welcome to the board CopingWithRad.

 

[Malika]

You need to really learn as much as you can before you even think about adopting children with these severe issues. The maternal drive however will make you think you can handle anything.

This is very true. Although I adopted my own son when he was 3 months old (having first met him when he was a week old) and we are reasonably well bonded, I was absolutely driven by my own drive to be a mother, I now realise, and was totally sure that everything in the garden would be wonderful and rosy.... Though I'm the type of person who usually does a lot of research before embarking on things, for this I did almost NOTHING. Wasn't even aware that I could have been adopting someone whose mother had drunk/used drugs during the pregnancy.
Would I do it again? Well, in my case, yes I would. But I would be less rosy-eyed about what it would all involve. Or... maybe I wouldn't. Maybe it was that overwheliming desire to adopt a babythat enabled me to do it with so much passion and desire.
I'm really sorry about your experience. You adopted your children very late and it's very hard for the adoption to succeed in these circumstances, I know. I could only hope that in the future things may still change.

 

[buddy]

Hi CopingwithRad, Welcome. It was cool to see this thread pop up again. I read my response and thought, wow even in the last few months....I might say no. I think I need a little time to recover, puberty is kicking my butt. I find myself thinking it might be fun to live in an old folks home (LOL). I mean, who WANTS to live in a senior citizens complex?

Malika, I think it is true when you just want a child so much you move forward pretty intently. I DID do a lot of research and was even part of a Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD)/Adoption discussion board where I ran referrals past them. They were great and I can't find the forum anymore...I suspect they have morphed their name etc. so I can't find them. But I really did honestly at least say to myself, can I love a child who may not be able to love me??? I think I prepared myself emotionally for that. But having experienced a lot of rejection from him, I can say it is obviously easier said than done. If he never showed any attachment I might not have made it. I treasure that he does genuinely hug me, thank me, say I am the best mom ever, say he always wants to live with me, tells me his secrets...even if it is not at the same level as other kids. MOST of the time I am in his way, the reason he can't do things or something happened to him, etc. The target for any upset. Some days are rough to say the least. I still have no regrets. I love my kid beyond words. I still would take on other kids....but what I am more experienced working with outside of his needs....physically impaired kids, daughter, etc. (but never know...so it is always a risk, just like Q there can be a multitude of diagnosis).

CWR, (copingwithrad), I hope you start a thread on your own. Would be great to learn of your situation and walk through the next years with you. TRUST me when I say this....you are not alone. I just spent a day at the zoo with one of our board members who is in (age wise) a very similar position with RADish twins. One at home, one placed out of the home...looking toward the finishing line.

She is moving to this forum (but of course we can post anywhere, I mean symbolically her kids are hitting 18 now)....Really an amazing woman. Hope she sees your post.

 

[BusynMember]

This is an older post.

 

[buddy]

Yes, but CopingWithRad just joined.

 

[BusynMember]

Oh, ok. Yeah, she should probably have her thread turned into a new one. although maybe going to Parent Emeritus would be better.

 

[springsa]

I have adopted. Often times, I want to adopt again as well. I feel guilty, as the one we have is such high "maintenance" (ADHD/sensory processing disorder (SPD)/now being labeled ED as an ending Kindergartner/) Our adoption was domestic and local and it wasnt "cheap" by any means.
I feel as though if you have the means to adopt and can, go for it, just thing really long and hard about how much time and effort you have to gove to your children you have already and if it makes sense for you to do. In our case, I gave up adopting again(current daughter is 6 and will sadly, be an only child) I gave up the idea bc we never found the means financially to be able to do it again and the child we have takes a lot of our time and can be very intense.
I will sadly admiot, I get "jealous" of friends who are having these precious babies and just starting out, as I feel like I would love to have a younger brother/sister for our 6 year old and I would also like to do it ovwer again because I blame myself a lot for many of her current problems, although most who work with her daily have all said we are great parents giving her all we can and parenting her better than the most average child. I still blame myself, feel as though I have failed as a parent, failed her birth mother, etc, and sometimes I want to do it all over again just to have another "chance" at it.
Then, after thinking that way, I beat myself down and think, I have the one child for a reason and she takes so much time, that is the reason for her being an only.
Sorry...I kind of got off your topic there!
I think if you can afford the adoption, and have thought about how it will effect your current children and if it will add more stress to an already atressful parenting situation, then go for it!