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Fighting the Guilt Demons
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<blockquote data-quote="Childofmine" data-source="post: 659730" data-attributes="member: 17542"><p>JKF, ugh. I am so sorry about this. I can so understand your confusion right now.</p><p></p><p>I have often thought that the worst thing for me and Difficult Child would be (has been) him getting sick or hurt and then...what is my role? </p><p></p><p>Last summer when he got stabbed by the girlfriend we put him up in a motel for a few weeks. Emphasis on motel, not hotel. He had been homeless at the time and he was released from the hospital to wherever...not to my house. Not to his dad's house. They said he had to have antibiotics, etc., and if he didn't and didn't take care of himself he might not regain full use of his arm.</p><p></p><p>I was confused. I sat in the car and cried and cried, and then I called his dad (my ex-husband) and we formulated the plan to put him up in the motel---at first we got a "nicer" one and then we ended up getting others for longer periods of time. I think by the time it was said and done, we paid for between three and four weeks for him. Plus got him some food, etc. He didn't have a car, and couldn't ride his bike for a long time, so we got him some bus passes and he walked. </p><p></p><p>Then slowly he started riding his bike, and he was back homeless again. </p><p></p><p>It was hard to know what to do, but one thing I knew, he couldn't come and stay at my house. It felt harsh at the time and I guess it IS harsh, but it's reality. Reality is what I am trying to deal with, and do it in a kind and honest way.</p><p></p><p>I love my son, but....</p><p></p><p>I am sorry about your son's diagnosis. I think his comment about resources for himself was very telling. As usual, they want us to pick up their slack.</p><p></p><p>Many of us have learned the hard way that if we do...then we have two very dysfunctional situations and people on our hands, instead of one. </p><p></p><p>I don't know if it's right or wrong in the final analysis, but I do know that today, I'm 51% and he's 49%. That is a good measure and visual for me to hold on to, perhaps it will help you too.</p><p></p><p>People act, and then they have to accept the consequences of their actions.</p><p></p><p>Last night my Difficult Child was told that their hours at work are being cut back to 8 hours a day (instead of 10). He texted me and called me multiple times last night talking about getting a new job, i.e., I can't afford to work here anymore. I responded "Okay." Then he wanted to know if I know of any jobs. I said "Tons of companies are hiring." Then he wanted to know who, and did I know anybody, etc. I was going to girls night out and I put my phone up, only to see that he kept on calling and texting. Shades of the past.</p><p>Then he called again last night at 10:30 long after I was in bed, and my phone was charging in the kitchen.</p><p></p><p>I haven't called him back or texted him back again. If he wants to find a new job, he can have at it. That's his gig, not mine. </p><p></p><p>Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries. Even when they are doing better, we still have to be vigilant. Ugh. </p><p></p><p>Hang in there and keep us posted. We're here for you no matter what you decide to do. Warm hugs.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Childofmine, post: 659730, member: 17542"] JKF, ugh. I am so sorry about this. I can so understand your confusion right now. I have often thought that the worst thing for me and Difficult Child would be (has been) him getting sick or hurt and then...what is my role? Last summer when he got stabbed by the girlfriend we put him up in a motel for a few weeks. Emphasis on motel, not hotel. He had been homeless at the time and he was released from the hospital to wherever...not to my house. Not to his dad's house. They said he had to have antibiotics, etc., and if he didn't and didn't take care of himself he might not regain full use of his arm. I was confused. I sat in the car and cried and cried, and then I called his dad (my ex-husband) and we formulated the plan to put him up in the motel---at first we got a "nicer" one and then we ended up getting others for longer periods of time. I think by the time it was said and done, we paid for between three and four weeks for him. Plus got him some food, etc. He didn't have a car, and couldn't ride his bike for a long time, so we got him some bus passes and he walked. Then slowly he started riding his bike, and he was back homeless again. It was hard to know what to do, but one thing I knew, he couldn't come and stay at my house. It felt harsh at the time and I guess it IS harsh, but it's reality. Reality is what I am trying to deal with, and do it in a kind and honest way. I love my son, but.... I am sorry about your son's diagnosis. I think his comment about resources for himself was very telling. As usual, they want us to pick up their slack. Many of us have learned the hard way that if we do...then we have two very dysfunctional situations and people on our hands, instead of one. I don't know if it's right or wrong in the final analysis, but I do know that today, I'm 51% and he's 49%. That is a good measure and visual for me to hold on to, perhaps it will help you too. People act, and then they have to accept the consequences of their actions. Last night my Difficult Child was told that their hours at work are being cut back to 8 hours a day (instead of 10). He texted me and called me multiple times last night talking about getting a new job, i.e., I can't afford to work here anymore. I responded "Okay." Then he wanted to know if I know of any jobs. I said "Tons of companies are hiring." Then he wanted to know who, and did I know anybody, etc. I was going to girls night out and I put my phone up, only to see that he kept on calling and texting. Shades of the past. Then he called again last night at 10:30 long after I was in bed, and my phone was charging in the kitchen. I haven't called him back or texted him back again. If he wants to find a new job, he can have at it. That's his gig, not mine. Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries. Even when they are doing better, we still have to be vigilant. Ugh. Hang in there and keep us posted. We're here for you no matter what you decide to do. Warm hugs. [/QUOTE]
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