Fighting the urge to rescue just so I feel better

Lost in sadness

Active Member
So, he has lost his job. They have given him a weeks notice for being late in the mornings and for the incident that took place outside of work which he goes to court for tomorrow. We have tried to help him by writing to the company about their general treatment of staff including our son and they are taking this further and the decision to let him go may be overturned. We told him that in the meantime he must continue to go to work on time and be professional. Yesterday he never went. Today, I suspect the same.

On Saturday I took him back to the shop to return his playstation so that he could pay his rent as he has no money left. They only gave him £200 for it rather than the £350 he paid as it was in a used condition. I suggested he gave me the £70 cash for rent and I will pay the landlord online which he did. He was staying at ours that evening to spend time with my daughter as we were going out. When we got home my husband tried to talk to him about setting up a direct debit for his rent as he does not agree that my son gives us the cash and we pay it. He feels my son should take full responsibility for it. My son lost his temper and said he didn't want to talk about it. He also demanded the £70 back and went out to the pub slamming the door. I told him on the way out that we were not having this behaviour in our home and he could not stay. We went out and left his bags round the side gate. We got calls at 1am and 2am - probably wanting to come back, we ignored.

I got into an argument yesterday on the phone about him not going in to work and he says he was applying for jobs. I see no signs of this. In fact I have applied for about 6 jobs on his behalf. He told me he had paid his rent. I have also seen a message last night from his landlord asking for the rent. I can also see on his emails he has been increasing a bank overdraft but will still not have enough to pay it. So it seems he spent the whole £200 on Saturday night and now has a £450 debt on his bank account. I can see he bought weed on Saturday night.

So, today I sit here tired with worry, teary and in despair. He now has no job, no money and has not paid to keep a roof over this head. My husband sent him a long message last night telling him we were back ing off again until he sorted his life out. He has told me I should take all his washing back and his suit (which I clean every week) and put £5 in his pocket for him to get himself to court tomorrow and sort out his own life out as I am not to help him.

My question is this: Should I take him to court tomorrow as I originally promised or is it time to let him sort himself out again. I want to because that way I ensure he goes. I am so worried that he will be back where he started and he seemed to be doing so well. I want to stop this slippery slope before it gets unmanageable but my instinct says I must not. It feels like loving him is conditional, like we are sending the message to him that we will be in his life and love him if he does what we want, and that doesn't feel fair. Shouldn't be love him and be here for him whatever he is? Are we not damaging him emotionally by continually withdrawing our support every time he messes up? It all feels so confusing. Thank you xx
 

Sam3

Active Member
I really relate to your doubts. My son is the same age and we have withdrawn supports, one by one, as he has broken through boundaries and failed to meet expectations.

It’s a terrible role we have to assume in our difficult adult children’s lives. It seems like most of them are delayed in taking on age appropriate responsibilities and goals.

Their peers might be motivated by grades, money, earning potential, legal consequences, employers, landlords, etc

But without all that real life happening for our kids, we parents are often left to step in and mimic life’s consequences.

I’ve even said to my son, when holding firm, things like: “the natural consequence of an adult not having a job is being broke.” “The natural consequence of violating the landlords rules is eviction.” “The natural consequence of crime, is jail.”

I’ve had to learn that appropriate support for a kid off track is different than one on track. When my other kids don’t study, they bomb a test. They can keep in mind that grades are important for their longer term goals, learn from their mistake and adjust. Sometimes they even listen to our advice and don’t even need to learn the hard way.

Difficult kids may wish for good adult lives, but they have a harder time protecting the outcomes now, for whatever reason. Then they seem to resort to avoidance, self-sabotage, or rationalizing away their mistakes and hopes. And further take themselves out of the game.

It hurts me too, to watch my son wounded, even if it is self-inflicted. Unfortunately, still, the only cure for immaturity is growing up — getting help for self limiting issues, taking on responsibility and handling and learning from setbacks.

Why would he ever if the consequences are magicked away? A wise family therapist once told us that a lot of DCs need to fall apart before they want to start picking up pieces.

Loving these guys seems to mean a lot of tough loving until they want a healthier life. It’s still love.

But yeah, while they are stuck, it sucks for parent and child. Parents want to ease pain and burden and bring joy. But at the end of the day, they need to be able to self soothe and self realize, which will mean they need problem solving and life skills. We know there is joy and satisfaction on the adult side.
 
Last edited:

StillStanding

Active Member
Lost,

If he were my son, would take him to court if I said I would.

My observation is that you know a lot about what he's done or hasn't done. It made my life a little (little!) easier when I stopped keeping track of his money, his rent, when he went to work, etc.

Good luck.
 

Lost in sadness

Active Member
Lost,

If he were my son, would take him to court if I said I would.

My observation is that you know a lot about what he's done or hasn't done. It made my life a little (little!) easier when I stopped keeping track of his money, his rent, when he went to work, etc.

Good luck.

I have decided to go with him. You are right, everyone tells me to stop monitoring his life and allow him to live it even if he fails. Its become an addiction and I cannot seem to stop 'checking'. Its almost as if, if I keep him on the straight and narrow at least I can sleep at night. Its a pointless, thankless task.xx
 

Lost in sadness

Active Member
I really relate to your doubts. My son is the same age and we have withdrawn supports, one by one, as he has broken through boundaries and failed to meet expectations.

It’s a terrible role we have to assume in our difficult adult children’s lives. It seems like most of them are delayed in taking on age appropriate responsibilities and goals.

Their peers might be motivated by grades, money, earning potential, legal consequences, employers, landlords, etc

But without all that real life happening for our kids, we parents are often left to step in and mimic life’s consequences.

I’ve even said to my son, when holding firm, things like: “the natural consequence of an adult not having a job is being broke.” “The natural consequence of violating the landlords rules is eviction.” “The natural consequence of crime, is jail.”

I’ve had to learn that appropriate support for a kid off track is different than one on track. When my other kids don’t study, they bomb a test. They can keep in mind that grades are important for their longer term goals, learn from their mistake and adjust. Sometimes they even listen to our advice and don’t even need to learn the hard way.

Difficult kids may wish for good adult lives, but they have a harder time protecting the outcomes now, for whatever reason. Then they seem to resort to avoidance, self-sabotage, or rationalizing away their mistakes and hopes. And further take themselves out of the game.

It hurts me too, to watch my son wounded, even if it is self-inflicted. Unfortunately, still, the only cure for immaturity is growing up — getting help for self limiting issues, taking on responsibility and handling and learning from setbacks.

Why would he ever if the consequences are magicked away? A wise family therapist once told us that a lot of DCs need to fall apart before they want to start picking up pieces.

Loving these guys seems to mean a lot of tough loving until they want a healthier life. It’s still love.

But yeah, while they are stuck, it sucks for parent and child. Parents want to ease pain and burden and bring joy. But at the end of the day, they need to be able to self soothe and self realize, which will mean they need problem solving and life skills. We know there is joy and satisfaction on the adult side.

Thank you so much for you time in writing your insights, I know you speak wise words. I would say them myself. Emotional pain seems to strip us from any resilience to cope with things and do the right thing but its a journey we are all on of no choosing. I see friends with lovely families and I wonder where it went wrong. Its almost as if I am wishing my life away just so that he is older and I will not feel so guilty by just walking away. Thank you xx
 

StillStanding

Active Member
I have decided to go with him. You are right, everyone tells me to stop monitoring his life and allow him to live it even if he fails. Its become an addiction and I cannot seem to stop 'checking'. Its almost as if, if I keep him on the straight and narrow at least I can sleep at night. Its a pointless, thankless task.xx

Trust me when I tell you we all understand this addiction to "check". If only you could keep track of his money then... If only he would let you manage his money... If only you knew if he was at work... Sadly, none of these things make any difference. My list of "if only" would shock any reasonable person.

You're not alone.
 

Kathy813

Well-Known Member
Staff member
I would probably take him to court and this is all.

I want to stop this slippery slope before it gets unmanageable
The problem is that it is not in your power to stop him from sliding down the slippery slope. He is the only one that can do that.

~Kathy
 

Kathy813

Well-Known Member
Staff member
My therapist kept telling me that there was nothing I could do to change my daughter's behavior. She was going to do what she wanted to do. When I finally realized that she was right, it changed me. I stopped spending my time trying to change her, fix her, or rescue her from the consequences of her behavior.

Ironically, when I finally stopped, she got sober on her own.

~Kathy
 

Kathy813

Well-Known Member
Staff member
Someone shared this with me at a NAMI meeting. It has stuck with me to this day:

“I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in.
I am lost... I am helpless.
It isn't my fault.
It takes forever to find a way out.

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don't see it.
I fall in again.
I can't believe I am in the same place.
But, it isn't my fault.
It still takes me a long time to get out.

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in. It's a habit.
My eyes are open.
I know where I am.
It is my fault. I get out immediately.

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.

I walk down another street.”

Author: Portia Nelson

The sad part is that they have to keep falling down the hole until they figure out how to avoid it. Your falling down the hole with them or constantly pulling them out doesn't help them.
 
Last edited:

Lost in sadness

Active Member
Someone shared this with me at a NAMI meeting. It has stuck with me to this day:

“I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in.
I am lost... I am helpless.
It isn't my fault.
It takes forever to find a way out.

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don't see it.
I fall in again.
I can't believe I am in the same place.
But, it isn't my fault.
It still takes me a long time to get out.

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in. It's a habit.
My eyes are open.
I know where I am.
It is my fault. I get out immediately.

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.

I walk down another street.”

Author: Portia Nelson

The sad part is that they have to keep falling down the hole until they figure out how to avoid it. Your falling down the hole with them or constantly pulling them out doesn't help them.

Thank you Kathy for this poem. I have read it before, I am not sure where I got it from. I also sent it to my son back then, he never replied. Probably too high to understand the meaning. xxx
 

Lost in sadness

Active Member
Thank you all. I thought he hit 'rock bottom' when he was in the homeless hostel. Well, he worked hard to get a job etc so he could get out. It is almost as if they forget the mess they were in when things are going well and then end up back where they started. If you met my son you would be surprised. He is good looking, articulate and genuinely has a heart of gold, BUT.... something in him can change in an instant. When I really look at his life, he has no real friends anymore, seems to struggle in relationships with girls, always arguing and will pick a fight in an instant but yet manages to make you feel bad about it. He does not seem to register the truth. He was recently 'diagnosed' with Borderline (BPD) (in 22 minutes) but yet sent away with no help. I suspect he does have this but my husband thinks he has more control than what he demonstrates as he doesn't speak to everyone like a piece of sh*t on his shoe. I think knowing he has this makes things harder as I try to imagine what it must be like in your head with this and I would never want him to feel he has been abandoned which is a Borderline (BPD) fear! I know he feels this. He tells me he was pushed out of the family but yet cannot see this was because of HIS behavior. His vision of it is, he turned like he is BECAUSE of being pushed out. Its a constant battle or arguments as this comes up every time! x
 

Unhappymom

New Member
My son, 40 yrs old, is manipulative, rude, ungrateful, has a sense of entitlement and its been going on, enabld by me for years. I finally said ENOUGH! Its been 7 weeks since i cut off communication. He has drained me mentally and physically. When he was young he was violent, we slept with deadbolts on our doors. We sought help from child protective agencies who came and evaluated the home etc.....hard to find my son in need of protection living in an upper middle class home with two loving parents and all of lifes luxuries....spoiled rotten..it was our fault. Only when we had pointed out the danger this son posed to our younger son did they remove him from our home. Life was good, until he turned 17 and he was at our front door. Here we go again. The rest is history. Id do anything to.get him out of the house, pay his rent, buy him food, find him jobs, all to no avail. I was working 16 hour days so he could be lazy and do nothing. I have finally learned that unless you allow your children to fail and learn to problem solve, history will keep repeating itself. If we keep "saving" them everytime they use poor judgememt they will never learn to problem solve. They need to hit bottom, suffer the consequences of their poor life choices. It is the hardest thing i have ever had to do. But i am important too. I worked my whole life to be able to enjoy my retirement amd this kid was just sucking me dry, draining my savings, insulting me. Im trying to make it thru the holidays. Luckily he does not live near me.....i am so thankful for the support i have found on this site. It is comforting to know i am not alone. Thank you all.
 

RN0441

100% better than I was but not at 100% yet
Welcome Unhappy! Glad you saw the light and even though your son is 40 and that is NOT young, hopefully you can regain your sanity and take your life back!

I started to detach from our son at age 20 because I did not want a 30 year old on my couch asking me what was for dinner after I worked all day and I saw it coming!

Lost in Sadness: Many of our sons are very good looking with high intelligence. They are articulate and gentle and kind when they are sober.

That is what makes us all sick to death. Knowing what my son's life can be like gives me hope for him. I have to protect myself and my heart in the process and live MY life.
 
Top