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Substance Abuse
Fighting the urge to rescue just so I feel better
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<blockquote data-quote="Sam3" data-source="post: 723443" data-attributes="member: 19290"><p>I really relate to your doubts. My son is the same age and we have withdrawn supports, one by one, as he has broken through boundaries and failed to meet expectations.</p><p></p><p>It’s a terrible role we have to assume in our difficult adult children’s lives. It seems like most of them are delayed in taking on age appropriate responsibilities and goals.</p><p></p><p>Their peers might be motivated by grades, money, earning potential, legal consequences, employers, landlords, etc</p><p></p><p>But without all that real life happening for our kids, we parents are often left to step in and mimic life’s consequences.</p><p></p><p>I’ve even said to my son, when holding firm, things like: “the natural consequence of an adult not having a job is being broke.” “The natural consequence of violating the landlords rules is eviction.” “The natural consequence of crime, is jail.”</p><p></p><p>I’ve had to learn that appropriate support for a kid off track is different than one on track. When my other kids don’t study, they bomb a test. They can keep in mind that grades are important for their longer term goals, learn from their mistake and adjust. Sometimes they even listen to our advice and don’t even need to learn the hard way.</p><p></p><p>Difficult kids may wish for good adult lives, but they have a harder time protecting the outcomes now, for whatever reason. Then they seem to resort to avoidance, self-sabotage, or rationalizing away their mistakes and hopes. And further take themselves out of the game.</p><p></p><p>It hurts me too, to watch my son wounded, even if it is self-inflicted. Unfortunately, still, the only cure for immaturity is growing up — getting help for self limiting issues, taking on responsibility and handling and learning from setbacks.</p><p></p><p>Why would he ever if the consequences are magicked away? A wise family therapist once told us that a lot of DCs need to fall apart before they want to start picking up pieces.</p><p></p><p>Loving these guys seems to mean a lot of tough loving until they want a healthier life. It’s still love. </p><p></p><p>But yeah, while they are stuck, it sucks for parent and child. Parents want to ease pain and burden and bring joy. But at the end of the day, they need to be able to self soothe and self realize, which will mean they need problem solving and life skills. We know there is joy and satisfaction on the adult side.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Sam3, post: 723443, member: 19290"] I really relate to your doubts. My son is the same age and we have withdrawn supports, one by one, as he has broken through boundaries and failed to meet expectations. It’s a terrible role we have to assume in our difficult adult children’s lives. It seems like most of them are delayed in taking on age appropriate responsibilities and goals. Their peers might be motivated by grades, money, earning potential, legal consequences, employers, landlords, etc But without all that real life happening for our kids, we parents are often left to step in and mimic life’s consequences. I’ve even said to my son, when holding firm, things like: “the natural consequence of an adult not having a job is being broke.” “The natural consequence of violating the landlords rules is eviction.” “The natural consequence of crime, is jail.” I’ve had to learn that appropriate support for a kid off track is different than one on track. When my other kids don’t study, they bomb a test. They can keep in mind that grades are important for their longer term goals, learn from their mistake and adjust. Sometimes they even listen to our advice and don’t even need to learn the hard way. Difficult kids may wish for good adult lives, but they have a harder time protecting the outcomes now, for whatever reason. Then they seem to resort to avoidance, self-sabotage, or rationalizing away their mistakes and hopes. And further take themselves out of the game. It hurts me too, to watch my son wounded, even if it is self-inflicted. Unfortunately, still, the only cure for immaturity is growing up — getting help for self limiting issues, taking on responsibility and handling and learning from setbacks. Why would he ever if the consequences are magicked away? A wise family therapist once told us that a lot of DCs need to fall apart before they want to start picking up pieces. Loving these guys seems to mean a lot of tough loving until they want a healthier life. It’s still love. But yeah, while they are stuck, it sucks for parent and child. Parents want to ease pain and burden and bring joy. But at the end of the day, they need to be able to self soothe and self realize, which will mean they need problem solving and life skills. We know there is joy and satisfaction on the adult side. [/QUOTE]
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Fighting the urge to rescue just so I feel better
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