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Substance Abuse
Finally threw down the gauntlet....
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<blockquote data-quote="Mikey" data-source="post: 43518" data-attributes="member: 3579"><p><div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Quote:</div><div class="ubbcode-body">am confused. I do not see any real ultimatum in what you have written. You said he will loose the benefit of the family. What does that entail? Are you going to have him committed to a rehab if he continues to use? Are you going to evict hime or charge rent? What is going to be different? -RM </div></div></p><p></p><p>Well, more than anything else, he's used to 'acting the fool', then turning on the charm and expecting us to forget what he's done ten minutes later. That, for one, will stop.</p><p></p><p>But there are other more tangible things. He can find his own car insurance instead of riding on my policy (extra hundred bucks a month, if he can find it). He can <strong>try</strong> to get a mobile phone on his own instead of being on my family plan (good luck at 8.50/hr, less than a week on the job). Oh and he can either find a way to finance the remaining 2500 bucks he owes me for the car, or I sell it and he starts riding the bus and mooching off his friends again.</p><p></p><p>Out of gas? So sorry, call one of your pothead friends for a few bucks. Won't answer your cell phone when we call? Guess it's been stolen and I need to cut off service. Nope, you are NOT going to dinner with the rest of us unless you pay your own way. Won't clean your room? We won't wash your clothes. </p><p></p><p>What? you don't like Sears ToughSkins jeans? Sorry. I'm only obligated to buy you some clothes - I don't think I'm obligated to purchase anything that actually LOOKS good. And by the way, I wore them when I was young - what's the big deal? Don't like it? Buy your own.</p><p></p><p>Oh, and while you're living under my roof, from now on I won't just flush your pot: I WILL call the police if you bring pot (or any other drugs or illegal substance) in my house. Curfew will be reasonable, but if you consistently break curfew or stay out all night I'll report you as a runaway to the police. And if I think you're in danger, or engaging in any illegal activities, then I may call the police then as well.</p><p></p><p>There are many, many ways to do this. It's very possible to provide what I'm obligated to under the law without giving a stranger more than is required. I hope I don't have to do any of them, though, or if needed I hope to get by with only throwing one or two at him at a time until he knows that I'm not laying down any more.</p><p></p><p>But ultimately, he's a pretty insecure person, and has always known that we'll keep taking him back no matter how much dung he slings at us. I think that treating him as someone in the house but outside the family will do more to get his attention than anything else. Or, maybe not. If it doesn't, then he truly isn't the child I raised, and is truly a stranger living in my house. As someone earlier said, realizing all this is a disturbingly liberating feeling. </p><p></p><p>As to your other questions: No on the rehab - already checked for three states around. No Residential Treatment Center (RTC) will take him against his will unless he's judged to be an immediate danger to himself or others. Being a disrpectful, lazy pothead doesn't count. </p><p></p><p>No on the eviction and rent as well. State law says I'm obligated to provide shelter, food, and other reasonable care until he's 18 <strong>and</strong> out of school. As long as he's in school, I don't have a choice unless I can find someone else qualified to take him.</p><p></p><p>Like I said, I hope I don't have to do any of this. But I'm prepared to do all of it. His next 18 months under my roof will be as good or as bad as he chooses to make them. And if/when he chooses to leave when the time comes, he can leave as a well-loved member of the family, or he can be shooed out the door like an evicted apartment dweller (which is already going to happen to two of his friends - I'm certain because their parents have already told me so).</p><p></p><p>I'm hoping that he'll start to get the hint when we don't back down any more and enable his acting out. Or Maybe he'll just freak and go into ODD overdrive. But I can't control him. All I can control is me. I can treat him with respect and dignity without demeaning him, and still require that he act like a member of the family to be treated like a member of the family.</p><p></p><p>And there's a glimmer of hope. He pushed hard on staying out with his pothead friends the night I gave him the letter. Answer back was a firm NO, and he understood that he could either directly disobey my authority or comply with my reasonable request. He complied. That doesn't sound like much, but it's the first time in a long time that he got a stark, black-and-white response from me; no wiggle room, no way to con me. </p><p></p><p>Either disobey or comply. From now on, that will ALWAYS be his choice. I will not be unreeasonable or tyrranical. But neither will I intentionally (or unintentionally) "build in" some wiggle room to every answer I give him. Before, I left myself some leeway hoping to see him act like the adult he wants to be treated as. Didn't work, so now it's back to sixth grade. The queestion isn't "do you want veggies on your lunchplate?" The question is now "do you want peas or carrots?"</p><p></p><p>Whew. How's that? And yes, this is major change for me from just a week ago. But when he went out of his way this weekend to shun and hurt his mother on Mother's Day - when she did <strong>nothing</strong> to deserve it...</p><p></p><p>Well, my kids will have the chance to make their own life. But MY life is with my wife until I die. I won't have anyone treatinig her like that, for any reason. Not even my own children.</p><p></p><p>Okay, time to let the fingers rest.</p><p></p><p></p><p> :whew:</p><p>Mikey</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Mikey, post: 43518, member: 3579"] <div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Quote:</div><div class="ubbcode-body">am confused. I do not see any real ultimatum in what you have written. You said he will loose the benefit of the family. What does that entail? Are you going to have him committed to a rehab if he continues to use? Are you going to evict hime or charge rent? What is going to be different? -RM </div></div> Well, more than anything else, he's used to 'acting the fool', then turning on the charm and expecting us to forget what he's done ten minutes later. That, for one, will stop. But there are other more tangible things. He can find his own car insurance instead of riding on my policy (extra hundred bucks a month, if he can find it). He can [b]try[/b] to get a mobile phone on his own instead of being on my family plan (good luck at 8.50/hr, less than a week on the job). Oh and he can either find a way to finance the remaining 2500 bucks he owes me for the car, or I sell it and he starts riding the bus and mooching off his friends again. Out of gas? So sorry, call one of your pothead friends for a few bucks. Won't answer your cell phone when we call? Guess it's been stolen and I need to cut off service. Nope, you are NOT going to dinner with the rest of us unless you pay your own way. Won't clean your room? We won't wash your clothes. What? you don't like Sears ToughSkins jeans? Sorry. I'm only obligated to buy you some clothes - I don't think I'm obligated to purchase anything that actually LOOKS good. And by the way, I wore them when I was young - what's the big deal? Don't like it? Buy your own. Oh, and while you're living under my roof, from now on I won't just flush your pot: I WILL call the police if you bring pot (or any other drugs or illegal substance) in my house. Curfew will be reasonable, but if you consistently break curfew or stay out all night I'll report you as a runaway to the police. And if I think you're in danger, or engaging in any illegal activities, then I may call the police then as well. There are many, many ways to do this. It's very possible to provide what I'm obligated to under the law without giving a stranger more than is required. I hope I don't have to do any of them, though, or if needed I hope to get by with only throwing one or two at him at a time until he knows that I'm not laying down any more. But ultimately, he's a pretty insecure person, and has always known that we'll keep taking him back no matter how much dung he slings at us. I think that treating him as someone in the house but outside the family will do more to get his attention than anything else. Or, maybe not. If it doesn't, then he truly isn't the child I raised, and is truly a stranger living in my house. As someone earlier said, realizing all this is a disturbingly liberating feeling. As to your other questions: No on the rehab - already checked for three states around. No Residential Treatment Center (RTC) will take him against his will unless he's judged to be an immediate danger to himself or others. Being a disrpectful, lazy pothead doesn't count. No on the eviction and rent as well. State law says I'm obligated to provide shelter, food, and other reasonable care until he's 18 [b]and[/b] out of school. As long as he's in school, I don't have a choice unless I can find someone else qualified to take him. Like I said, I hope I don't have to do any of this. But I'm prepared to do all of it. His next 18 months under my roof will be as good or as bad as he chooses to make them. And if/when he chooses to leave when the time comes, he can leave as a well-loved member of the family, or he can be shooed out the door like an evicted apartment dweller (which is already going to happen to two of his friends - I'm certain because their parents have already told me so). I'm hoping that he'll start to get the hint when we don't back down any more and enable his acting out. Or Maybe he'll just freak and go into ODD overdrive. But I can't control him. All I can control is me. I can treat him with respect and dignity without demeaning him, and still require that he act like a member of the family to be treated like a member of the family. And there's a glimmer of hope. He pushed hard on staying out with his pothead friends the night I gave him the letter. Answer back was a firm NO, and he understood that he could either directly disobey my authority or comply with my reasonable request. He complied. That doesn't sound like much, but it's the first time in a long time that he got a stark, black-and-white response from me; no wiggle room, no way to con me. Either disobey or comply. From now on, that will ALWAYS be his choice. I will not be unreeasonable or tyrranical. But neither will I intentionally (or unintentionally) "build in" some wiggle room to every answer I give him. Before, I left myself some leeway hoping to see him act like the adult he wants to be treated as. Didn't work, so now it's back to sixth grade. The queestion isn't "do you want veggies on your lunchplate?" The question is now "do you want peas or carrots?" Whew. How's that? And yes, this is major change for me from just a week ago. But when he went out of his way this weekend to shun and hurt his mother on Mother's Day - when she did [b]nothing[/b] to deserve it... Well, my kids will have the chance to make their own life. But MY life is with my wife until I die. I won't have anyone treatinig her like that, for any reason. Not even my own children. Okay, time to let the fingers rest. [img]:whew:[/img] Mikey [/QUOTE]
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