Finding peace even though she tries to steal it..

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by treasalin, Jan 26, 2010.

  1. treasalin

    treasalin New Member

    It's been rough but we're doing better here. I think we just had to get to the point where we could detach from the situation and move on.

    18 yr old daughter has rented a dumpy little house in a bad area and encouraged friends to "embrace total freedom" and leave their families too. I guess misery has to have company. She skipped out on her previous rental and then called the sheriff on the landlady who changed the locks on the barn until she came to talk to her. Yet another bridge she burned as the landlady had formerly been a great friend and mentor to her.

    My family continues to "remind" me that husband and I should be supportive of our daughter. Hello? She ran away to be with her lowlife boyfriend and now thinks that a flippant "Well I said I'm're just not good parents" will fix everything. We've moved on.

    It's hard to admit that I really don't care anymore. I can't sit and worry about her when I have no say or input as to her life choices. I don't even want to know. Just go away and enjoy the life you've chosen. Our world was shaken to it's core by her actions and the only way to rebuild is to detach from her poison.

    Anyone else gotten to the point where you just really don't care and would prefer not to even know????
  2. Lori4ever

    Lori4ever New Member

    Detachment can be a good thing. It seems the family or friends not suffering life with them always have input. If only they lived with it, they may understand!
  3. tawnya

    tawnya New Member

    Yep, I'm there. I am only the "stepmom", but I can't deal with difficult child anymore. She keeps getting evicted, losing jobs, blaming us, etc. etc. I've been there for over 16 years.

    I've had a lot of other family stuff to deal with lately, but I can't take it anymore.

    I've made bad choices, too, in my life, but I'm totally, totally sick of the entitlement. The world doesn't owe me anything.

    I'm sorry you are feeling bad today. It stinks.
  4. aninom

    aninom New Member

    Almost. I'm tired of trying to help, even if it's just a kind word, and getting a brick wall. I'm tired of expressing even minimal worry about her grades / living / behavior and getting that brick wall exploding over me. And what makes me almost the more tired is the way that two days later, she acts not only like none of those horrifying words ever left her mouth or she didn't act completely out of line, but as if I am at fault, the parenting is at fault, everybody else is at fault. And I can't just forget all the things said and done because it stays in you like shrapnel.

    It's almost like they don't want you to care so they can be at freedom to burn every bridge in sight. I'm tired.

    I hope there's a less tired day waiting just around the corner.
  5. ThreeShadows

    ThreeShadows Quid me anxia?

    "And I can't just forget all the things said and done because it stays in you like shrapnel." Wow! What a statement for a young girl to make. My father had shrapnel from his service as a Marine in WWII. I could see it move up his arms and legs. He suffered in bad weather. I was shocked when I was told he could never get rid of it. It was always there, on the surface. How sad for you aninom!
  6. Bean

    Bean Member

    I cycle in and out of it. On good days, I have my life, my sanity and it does not revolve around what my kid is doing. I really feel good and detached. Not loveless, but just... like I'm not on puppet strings, waiting to be yanked back into her messes.

    On other days I can't get it out of my brain or my heart.
  7. Star*

    Star* call 911

    I disagree....

    I think you will always care to some degree; otherwise you wouldn't talk about it at all. It would have no meaning, no emotional up or down in your life whatsoever. It would be like talking about a street sign. Just flat. Uninvolved. Non-concerning.

    I do believe that as parents we get to a point where we learn to watch our kids live their own lives and not be involved. It's like we say to ourselves "I no longer will say "I allow, or do not allow." Maybe that's what detachment truly is; I don't know I'm in the newbie stages of detaching where I take a stand, then back down a little, then take a bolder stand, then back down less, then all of a sudden I have this epiphany and think WHY AM I DOING THIS AT ALL?

    One of the most confusing little sentences to me has always been: No one can take advantage of you unless you let them. In some ways I think it's true, in other ways it seems like the person that wrote that never met my x or my difficult child. Then I LEFT my x, and have nothing to do with him and he can't take advantage of me. So is it a true statement after all or not? See what I mean about confusing?

    I've spent a lot of time this week not just thinking about difficult child but about a lot of people who take advantage of not only me and how they talk to me but how I see others talking to others and I we really treat each other like dirt. What gives that person the right? It's been a very long week. A very high difficult child week.

    I'm sending you a container and a 3 lock box for your peace dear. Hope it helps. And a pit bull, and a biker, and a nasty cat....with an attitude to guard the peace box. ;)
  8. Mom2oddson

    Mom2oddson Active Member

    I don't think we ever stop caring. But I do think we change the relationship somewhat.

    In order for me to hold onto my sanity, I've had to let go of difficult child-S. It's not that I've stopped loving her or caring about her and hoping for the best for her. But now, it's more like how I feel for my nieces and nephews. I love each of them dearly, but I'm not vested in their lives. Does that make sense to anyone?

    I've had to step back from my daughter. It hurt every time she refused to return a call or text. Or gave a one work response. It hurt actively watching her throw her life away. So now, I sit back and let her call me if she ever decides to. I hear stories through friends and family about difficult child-S and all of them are about how wonderful and happy she is. And I sit back and am glad that this is what they see, even though I know it's all part of her act (or maybe the drugs...she used to get very happy on some of them).

    difficult child-A will call or text me several times a week. All his stuff is still at our house, but he chooses to live with different friends. Occassionally he'll come home for a visit to see me. With him too, I'm sitting back and seeing where he's going to go with his life. I'll give him advice if he asks, but I don't make him take it.

    I think easy child helped me get to this point though. I had to let go when easy child went to an out-of-state college. They are each living their own lives and I'm still a part of it, just not an active part. Kind of like my folks are with me. They are a major part of me and my life, but they are no longer my whole life nor am I theirs.
  9. cakewalk

    cakewalk Member

    I'm detaching more every day. Some days are good and strong, some days not so much.

    As I read the CD posts, I have to admit that I'm thankful that our lives are no longer filled with constant drama, anger, tears, and fears. However, he's my kid and I miss him terribly.

    He's still lying when it benefits him, which is often. He's not being responsible with college coaches and his work (they continue to call here when he doesn't return their calls). My calls to him are also not returned. Emails, few and far between, come from his account but are direct-speak from my sister's mouth to me. He is doing much better in school, which is a good thing.

    In two months he will be 18. In three months he will graduate from high school. I am not included or welcome in his life right now. I have no idea where he'll attend college. My sons attend the same high school and rarely speak, usually addressing each other with a "head nod" as they pass in the halls. I struggle with all of that.

    Each day is getting easier. The few times I hear from him it's because he needs or wants something. If it's a realistic request, I do it. If not, I say no and let it go. But, whether our conversation is good or he gets what he wants, I still hear nothing from him again until his next request or favor. It is what it is... sigh.
  10. Nomad

    Nomad Guest

    I'm so sorry.
    I am not there...but understand in a major way.
    Our adult child is also adopted and has "special" needs...termed difficult child here.
    She is on disability and this makes things easier in away. We can afford to put a roof over her head. She has worked in the past, she takes her medication and for the great majority of the time, she is repsectful to us.
    If she is disrespectful to husband or I, we pull back in a major way.
    Our help to her is greatly limited and we have, for the most part, detached.
    IT is still hard though...saw her this morning and it was a tough tug on my heart.
    We started detaching a little when she turned 18. At 21, it was pretty much in full force.
    Do not concern yourselves with- what others think.
    You might if you are able, offer medical and psychological care for your child/children. Are both of them out of the home? Are both of them having problems?
    Let her (them?) know that this will always be available to her and that you will do your best to provide this for her.
    You might give her the appropriate numbers for food stamps.
    But, especially if she is rude to you, not willing to help herself, causes chaos repeatedly for you....I would not do much, if anything more than that (Offer to pay for medical services and give her the number for foods stamps/other social services).
    Consider googling Families Anonymous, Alan Anon or NAMI and see if any of these groups would be appropriate for you and attend a mtg.
    Be sure to take some time for yourself.
    Wishing you well...hang in there!
    Lasted edited by : Feb 4, 2010