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Substance Abuse
First family therapy session a disaster!
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<blockquote data-quote="slsh" data-source="post: 50237" data-attributes="member: 8"><p>CAmom - another mom who thinks therapist was appropriately pushing buttons. </p><p></p><p>I think what disturbs me most is that after all this time, it seems to me that your son *still* is not accepting the real consequences (loss of trust) of his choices. He has absolutely no right to get upset with- that. He's not going to come home if he's not trusted? Um... ok. His way or the highway? At what point did he earn the right to dictate the circumstances under which he will come home? As I've told thank you for years, trust is freely given the first time around. Violate the trust and it's ten times harder to *earn* it back. Fact of life. Sorry it bites but... we're not talking minor violations of trust here.</p><p></p><p>While it may not feel therapeutic, my take on this is that therapist was feeling out how difficult child is going to react to confrontrations. From your description, and I may be reading it wrong, it feels to me like difficult child thinks he's coming home, things will be as they were before, and this will all just be a memory. in my humble opinion, that's a recipe for disaster. Therapist pushed uncomfortable issues and correctly pointed out to difficult child that going home is *not* a given, or at least shouldn't be. So difficult child's solution is that he's only going to discuss with- you and husband, not with- therapist's involvement... you guys are known, he's been able to manipulate you in the past... therapist isn't going to let things slide, which is a very *good* thing. Therapist may not "know" your son and your family terribly well, but it does sound like therapist has experience with- difficult children. I really don't think it was out of line to call difficult child on his bluster at all. He is too old and you guys have been at this far too long to have him deflect and redirect conversations this way (just my opinion).</p><p></p><p>I know it's been a long road and I know how desperately you want him home. But I have to tell you, if you think first out of home placement was hard, it's nothing compared to a second or third. You may think his comments are bluster and bravado, and having the King of Bluster for a son, I don't doubt you. But at the same time, that bluster does convey an underlying mindset or at the very least, an impulsiveness that I really think doesn't bode well. He has apologies to make, trust to rebuild, and reparations to make to the entire family - not for the family, but for *himself*; I think it's an indication of acceptance of responsibility for his poor choices and with responsibility hopefully will come the willingness to make better choices. It doesn't sound like he's ready to even acknowledge that. </p><p></p><p>Given his response to the family therapy session, and his overall performance at the group home, what specifically do you think will be different when he comes home?</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="slsh, post: 50237, member: 8"] CAmom - another mom who thinks therapist was appropriately pushing buttons. I think what disturbs me most is that after all this time, it seems to me that your son *still* is not accepting the real consequences (loss of trust) of his choices. He has absolutely no right to get upset with- that. He's not going to come home if he's not trusted? Um... ok. His way or the highway? At what point did he earn the right to dictate the circumstances under which he will come home? As I've told thank you for years, trust is freely given the first time around. Violate the trust and it's ten times harder to *earn* it back. Fact of life. Sorry it bites but... we're not talking minor violations of trust here. While it may not feel therapeutic, my take on this is that therapist was feeling out how difficult child is going to react to confrontrations. From your description, and I may be reading it wrong, it feels to me like difficult child thinks he's coming home, things will be as they were before, and this will all just be a memory. in my humble opinion, that's a recipe for disaster. Therapist pushed uncomfortable issues and correctly pointed out to difficult child that going home is *not* a given, or at least shouldn't be. So difficult child's solution is that he's only going to discuss with- you and husband, not with- therapist's involvement... you guys are known, he's been able to manipulate you in the past... therapist isn't going to let things slide, which is a very *good* thing. Therapist may not "know" your son and your family terribly well, but it does sound like therapist has experience with- difficult children. I really don't think it was out of line to call difficult child on his bluster at all. He is too old and you guys have been at this far too long to have him deflect and redirect conversations this way (just my opinion). I know it's been a long road and I know how desperately you want him home. But I have to tell you, if you think first out of home placement was hard, it's nothing compared to a second or third. You may think his comments are bluster and bravado, and having the King of Bluster for a son, I don't doubt you. But at the same time, that bluster does convey an underlying mindset or at the very least, an impulsiveness that I really think doesn't bode well. He has apologies to make, trust to rebuild, and reparations to make to the entire family - not for the family, but for *himself*; I think it's an indication of acceptance of responsibility for his poor choices and with responsibility hopefully will come the willingness to make better choices. It doesn't sound like he's ready to even acknowledge that. Given his response to the family therapy session, and his overall performance at the group home, what specifically do you think will be different when he comes home? [/QUOTE]
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First family therapy session a disaster!
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