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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 647574" data-attributes="member: 1550"><p>We adopted an eleven year old boy after having adopted four others. You are right...there is no such thing as a well adjusted foster child. Most have attachment disorders of varying degrees and psychiatrists really don't know much about it, although they should. They diagnose our kids wrong a lot of times. That ODD/ADHD may be a component of attachment disorder...or, if the bio. mom used drugs while pregnant, there is also that component in there.</p><p></p><p>Three of my adopted children came very young and bonded right away.One came from an orphanage from another country at six. He was always a very well behaved and brilliant boy, but he did not seem to be bonded to us. He obeyed, but he didn't want us to "parent" him and often spent his time at other's homes. It is eight years now that we haven't seen him and he is grown. We also adopted an eleven year old who was so dangerous and abusive we dissolved the adoption. He sexually abused our youngest two kids (also adopted), stole, killed our animals, and was, in general, not fit to live in a family. We had been told that he was a really nice boy except for being a little cognitively delayed and his foster parents of five years loved him. He was always so helpful with foster mom and her young children she babysat for. I bet he was. He was a young sexual predator and was found guilty of that in a court of law in our state after there evidence proving he had done things to his young sister and brother. The courts charged him and he was found guilty. We actually had nothing to do with it. I know he had to be on a sexual predator list. Whether he still needs to be, I don't know. He is twenty-two now.</p><p></p><p> 11 Year Old Bo was very good at hiding his worst so we loved him like all the other kids and never dreamed he was scaring the young ones so that they were afraid to tell us all he did. We didn't even suspect him of killing our first dog. The second one...that was where his act fell apart. After he left, my youngest kids started talking about all the things he had done and it was horrifying, but they said nothing until he was gone as he had promised to kill them and had stolen a knife and held it to their throats many times. My daughter still has a tiny scar on her neck, although she told me, when I noticed it, that the cat had scratched her. Poor younger kids were only four and seven. The county was awesome. They paid for so much therapy and help that we made it as a family, but the boy who had perpetrated had to leave. For good.</p><p></p><p>You certainly don't have to dissolve your adoption like we did. We don't consider any child throwaway, however we needed to protect the children we had whom he hurt and they were terrified of the thought of having any connection to him ever again. Plus, to be honest, I doubt either me or my husband could have ever looked at him again without feeling sick. He continued to be a child predator in his locked down Residential Treatment Center (RTC) and cameras caught him stalking other children and trying to touch them. Wish we'd had a camera, but he was also so obedient and sweet to any adult's face that we didn't feel the need. I feel very guilty and naive when I think about it. </p><p></p><p>Not all children can live at home.</p><p></p><p>We adopted to have more children to love and we adopted a few hard-to-place children on purpose, to give them a chance to know family life. Sadly, neither of our older adopted children ever wanted to be in our family. In the case of the child from the orphanage, he did get married and make his own family from somebody who was of his own heritage and he is happily married and fruitful. Although he won't see us, at least I know he is doing very well...just did not feel like we were his "real" family. The one who is eleven is in and out of jail. We have checked court records. I would not be surprised to find out one day on the news that he murdered somebody.</p><p></p><p>Anyhow, I got off track.</p><p></p><p>You are doing all you can for your kids. You are also protecting yourself (and YOU matter too) and your daughter. Your sons may or may not heal. Those early years when they were abused by family or tossed from foster to foster make huge impacts on their brain's wiring. One social worker told me that 99% of the kids in foster care are sexually abused somewhere. We believe it too. Obviously this child had been abused, although he has no memory of it (it is common to block out sexual abuse). He had perped on children in all of his foster homes, but we did not find that out until he was gone.</p><p></p><p>I wish you luck and hope your children continue to improve and to heal. Some attachment disordered kids do heal and learn to bond even without therapy. But usually therapy is very helpful.</p><p></p><p>Welcome to the board! <img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite1" alt=":)" title="Smile :)" loading="lazy" data-shortname=":)" /></p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 647574, member: 1550"] We adopted an eleven year old boy after having adopted four others. You are right...there is no such thing as a well adjusted foster child. Most have attachment disorders of varying degrees and psychiatrists really don't know much about it, although they should. They diagnose our kids wrong a lot of times. That ODD/ADHD may be a component of attachment disorder...or, if the bio. mom used drugs while pregnant, there is also that component in there. Three of my adopted children came very young and bonded right away.One came from an orphanage from another country at six. He was always a very well behaved and brilliant boy, but he did not seem to be bonded to us. He obeyed, but he didn't want us to "parent" him and often spent his time at other's homes. It is eight years now that we haven't seen him and he is grown. We also adopted an eleven year old who was so dangerous and abusive we dissolved the adoption. He sexually abused our youngest two kids (also adopted), stole, killed our animals, and was, in general, not fit to live in a family. We had been told that he was a really nice boy except for being a little cognitively delayed and his foster parents of five years loved him. He was always so helpful with foster mom and her young children she babysat for. I bet he was. He was a young sexual predator and was found guilty of that in a court of law in our state after there evidence proving he had done things to his young sister and brother. The courts charged him and he was found guilty. We actually had nothing to do with it. I know he had to be on a sexual predator list. Whether he still needs to be, I don't know. He is twenty-two now. 11 Year Old Bo was very good at hiding his worst so we loved him like all the other kids and never dreamed he was scaring the young ones so that they were afraid to tell us all he did. We didn't even suspect him of killing our first dog. The second one...that was where his act fell apart. After he left, my youngest kids started talking about all the things he had done and it was horrifying, but they said nothing until he was gone as he had promised to kill them and had stolen a knife and held it to their throats many times. My daughter still has a tiny scar on her neck, although she told me, when I noticed it, that the cat had scratched her. Poor younger kids were only four and seven. The county was awesome. They paid for so much therapy and help that we made it as a family, but the boy who had perpetrated had to leave. For good. You certainly don't have to dissolve your adoption like we did. We don't consider any child throwaway, however we needed to protect the children we had whom he hurt and they were terrified of the thought of having any connection to him ever again. Plus, to be honest, I doubt either me or my husband could have ever looked at him again without feeling sick. He continued to be a child predator in his locked down Residential Treatment Center (RTC) and cameras caught him stalking other children and trying to touch them. Wish we'd had a camera, but he was also so obedient and sweet to any adult's face that we didn't feel the need. I feel very guilty and naive when I think about it. Not all children can live at home. We adopted to have more children to love and we adopted a few hard-to-place children on purpose, to give them a chance to know family life. Sadly, neither of our older adopted children ever wanted to be in our family. In the case of the child from the orphanage, he did get married and make his own family from somebody who was of his own heritage and he is happily married and fruitful. Although he won't see us, at least I know he is doing very well...just did not feel like we were his "real" family. The one who is eleven is in and out of jail. We have checked court records. I would not be surprised to find out one day on the news that he murdered somebody. Anyhow, I got off track. You are doing all you can for your kids. You are also protecting yourself (and YOU matter too) and your daughter. Your sons may or may not heal. Those early years when they were abused by family or tossed from foster to foster make huge impacts on their brain's wiring. One social worker told me that 99% of the kids in foster care are sexually abused somewhere. We believe it too. Obviously this child had been abused, although he has no memory of it (it is common to block out sexual abuse). He had perped on children in all of his foster homes, but we did not find that out until he was gone. I wish you luck and hope your children continue to improve and to heal. Some attachment disordered kids do heal and learn to bond even without therapy. But usually therapy is very helpful. Welcome to the board! :) [/QUOTE]
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