first post

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by lostwith3adhdboys, Feb 7, 2012.

  1. lostwith3adhdboys

    lostwith3adhdboys New Member

    I'm lost and so depressed. I thought we battled the demons and came out ahead. It was all a dream. History 17 year old son, adhd, oppisitional defiant alll adhd medications failed and progressively getting worse. Last year at this time, as a junior, punching wholes in walls, flunking school not going to school, we had him taken from our home and sent to Utah for a wilderness program. he was there for 13 weeks and came home. He seemed changed. For summer and 1st semester senior year went to an all boys college prep boarding school in Ohio. We live in Midwest. We have gone into debt put a second mortgage on our home to just pay for all this. We were told to send him to a therapy HS but who has $70,000. we dont. The school year started out ok but progressively became a nightmare. He was almost expelled. He blamed it on the school not him. it is always someone else. He begged to come home, said all the right things, manipulated the sitiation and uis. He was accepted as a 2nd semester senior at a private school... 5 weeks into it he is back to flunking, detentions and not going to school. This morning trying to get him to morning detention, he put a whole in the wall.. back to that. husband out of town.. wants me to call the police in the morning if he does not go to school and get them to take him to the hospital for mental health assestment. has anyone done this? what should i expect? I can't beleive i am back to this! All the money and heartache and hopes.....lost
  2. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Welcome. I'm sorry you are so stressed..and rightfully so. You've put it all on the line and sending hugs your way because it sounds like it's not working. Have you ever had a Neuro/psychiatric evaluation done on the children? Sometimes ADHD is rather randomly designated when other problems exist. Others will be along with input and caring before long but I just wanted to let you know that you have found "a soft place to land". Hugs. DDD
  3. buddy

    buddy New Member

    Hello, yes there are some here right now that actually just recently called the police when children did not go to school. I am hoping one mom in particular finds you ... I will pm her.

    I too wonder about the say no medications work, and other issues happen.... of course that doesn't mean it is not that but often there are issues that go along with adhd or adhd is a symptom of bigger umbrella issues..... so, unless you have already been there done that with the trip through neuropsychology, speech/language pathology (inc auditory/language processing) and Occupational Therapist (OT) (motor and sensory integration evaluations) it could be helpful.

    (by the way, I have a hole in a wall too... ugg)

    What kinds of testing has he had... Have you ever wondered if he has any problems understanding what people say in noisy places? Does he cover up when he doesn't fully understand things, act like a clown or tough to cover up?

    how has he done socially in the past? What hobbies/interests does he have... any other mental health diagnosis? any significant birth history or family history for developmental issues or mental health issues? Not being nosy, just asking so others who can relate can jump in and we can support you as much as you want...

    There will be others along but I wanted to say hi and let you know you have found a large group of parents here who understand this is a really hard and often sad journey.

    HUGS and welcome.... hope you check in again soon....
  4. TeDo

    TeDo Guest

    I have the same questions as the others. I do have one additional question though. Can you tell us all the medications they have tried him on and how long he was on each? That can maybe help us steer you in the right direction.

    My difficult child 1 was diagnosed with ADHD (which still stands) and ODD. Before that he carried ADHD and Bipolar. So in other words, the ODD replaced the Bipolar and now Asperger's (along with others in my signature below) have replaced the ODD. As far as most of us on this board agree, ODD only explains the behavior itself, not WHY they are acting the way they do. It does a real disservice to many kids because the "treatment" for ODD is generally strict punishment because the behavior is seen as intentional. In most cases, it is not intentional but their reaction to certain underlying issues that they don't know how to deal with.

    Definitely seek out a neuropsychologist. We also HIGHLY recommend the books The Explosive Child by Ross Greene and also What Your Explosive Child Is Trying To Tell You by Dr. Doug Riley. They will help you better understand what is usually behind the behaviors and how to deal with them.

    Welcome to our little corner of the world. The wealth of knowledge from the wise parents here is better and more REAL than anything you will find anywhere.
  5. StressedM0mma

    StressedM0mma Active Member

    Lost, I am so very sorry that you had to find us but I am glad that you did. husband and I just recently had to call the police on our difficult child. She was refusing to go to her Partial hospital. Program. They cam to the house and were willing to take her down to the program if she didn't go willingly. It was a hard call to make but I am so glad that we did.
    Just today we had to take her down to the ER and have her admitted to the psychiatric hospital. When and if you decide to take him to the hospital. you will meet with someone who will ask you son if he wants to hurt himself or others, and then when he gets to the behavioral health ER (if your hospital has one) you will meet with a social worker and an MD. they will ask you all kinds of questions as well as your son. The MD will do a quick one over on him. Then the decision is usually made as to whether or not they will admit him or recommend other services. This sounds like it is a quick process. Not so much. We were at the hospital. for a little over 6 hours. But, please do not let this discourage you. Also, if you are fearful of him, you can refuse to bring him home. I did not do this on our first visit to the hospital. This time I told them I did not feel safe to bring her home, and that she HAD to stay. They found a bed for her.
    I hope that you can call tomorrow if needed and take him to the hospital. It is a hard thing to do, but it sounds like it is something he needs right now.
  6. lostwith3adhdboys

    lostwith3adhdboys New Member

    Yes when was 9, 4th grade, he was diagnosed with ADHD inattentive type, tried the concerta but kept him up all night.. he had great grades and lots of friends. We knew his behavior was an issue. 6th grade went to a therapist but that lasted only a few months because we had to take him kicking and screaming. All the issue began in jr high, lost of his elementary school friends and started hanging out with the "punks". Jr hi he took stratterra but never saw a change. Then high school he would start out strong but refused to get involved. Again he was dropped by his peer group and The ODD started getting worse and the group of boys he did hang with was worse. smoking, bad grades, smoking, stealing. WHen he was 16, I finally did the Neuro psychiatric exam. I could not do it earlier because of cost which was not covered under our insurance. It came back with Learning Disability (LD) in Math, ADHD inattentive type. ODD depressive disorder and extremely intelegent when the data was presented in a way he could remember. Also, the Dr said he scored low in executive functioning skills. By the middle of his junior year, we had an escort pick him up and take him to a wilderness therepy program in Utah. He stayed in the wilderness for 13 weeks and my happy boy was returned to me. The wilderness therapist strongly recommended us to send him to a theraputic high school, but i'm sorry i don't have $90,000. we hired an educational specialist and was recommended to send him for summer school, $5000 and senior year 30,000K to all boys college pred boarding school in OH specializing in ADHD. He did great over the summer there and even in the fall but come November the angry ODD boy returned You see we were mislead by the school and the educational specialist. None of the other boys went thru wilderness all of them had just as many problems as my son.. some even worse. and he was stuck with them all day and night. We only agreed to send him there 1 semester because we could not afford the entire year plus he hated it soo much. By december, he was inches from being expelled. He begged, to come home..made promises of doing homework and following all the house rules. total manipulation. He has been home less than 2 months and i wish he was gone! He has been excepted into several colleges,and a juniior college all in the next state over but if he does not graduate HS he is not going. He has refused to do homework and has 7 lates. Last week he had a meltdown and walked off. He has missed an entire week of school. School refusal and putting another hole in the wall, wednesday morning i had enough and called the police to take him to the hospital to try and get him evaluted again. it backfired he convinced the social worker i was over reacting and they released him within the hour and told me to call the police again if he gets angry again. it was a joke! its been awful since last week.. The only positive thing was that he was due to see the internest. We talked to him and he called my sons therapist. Our son went to the his apptmt and he left with an anti depressant perscription and this doctor actually convinced him he should take it. We then contacted the HS. The catholic HS wanted him out because now he has missed so much school and his lack of following rules. We told him this was his last chance. It was finish or get GED. If he took the GED he would not be able to leave in the fall. We begged the school to give him a second chance. He is on a 2 week probation, if he is on time, behaved and hands in homework he can stay and graduate in May. Its 3 months, 45 school days. He has all this homework to do to catch up.This all happened on Friday. Now it is Sunday, dId he do the homework some not even half. Had to go hang out all day saturday. We did not give him the new medications yesterday because we were afraid he would be drinking. We gave it to him this morning with a big breakfast. Of course, he would have the adverse side effects. The tutor came this afternoon, and he felt like throwing up. I'm so on edge. He only has half the work done. I don't know whats going to happen tomorrow.We decided we will give him his second dose with dinner and see what happens. The dr put him on a new medication called Vilbryd How long will it take to maybe see a change? I am not expecting much nothing ever works.. why should this be any different.. I'm sorry this is long and rambling.. is there anyone on this board like me? It so hard to be judged by everyone. Now, by calling the police, the neighbors saw..ughh. I could use some success stories if any? I need some hope that this is just one chapter in our lives and things will get better. I just don't know what to do with this kid. he turns 18 in april. we give and give and he refuses to do his share. I get so angry at him or I am so sad for him because he can't help it. I go back and forth. What i need more than anything is an escape from my family!
  7. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Nobody else brought this up yet, but I went through this with my daughter when she was a teenager and it's common with difficult children. Is he using drugs? No matter what is wrong with him, drugs makes everything worse and makes it pretty impossible for any treatment to work. Have you ever had him drug tested at a hospital? Ever searched his room to see if anything suspicious was there? Read his Facebook or cell phone? I know this sounds invasive, but when your kids are in trouble sometimes privacy has to go away.

    Most kids will admit to "I tried pot" but few tell the extent of their drug use. I suggest checking this out. I'm sorry you have to go through all is so hard. (((Hugs)))
  8. StressedM0mma

    StressedM0mma Active Member

    I am so sorry that the ER didn't help you more. The first time we took our difficult child, we received the same answer. The second time they admitted her. The worrying about the neighbors I totally get. I felt the same way. We live in a small town, and word spreads so quickly. But, I finally decided that I was tired of trying to pretend that things were good when they were far from it. I hope that things can settle down and he will be able to graduate on time. HUGS
  9. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    I am so sorry for everything you are going through.
    Does he have a driver's lic? THat's a good carrot-and-stick approach for most kids. Just take away the keys.

    I have never heard of the medication you mentioned. I have heard of the stimulants, though. Too late now, but as the others mentioned, there is something else going on. The stims are only part of the picture. He seems to need a mood stabilizer, but you are right--it he is drinking or doing drugs, the other medications won't help.

    I would find something that he really likes to do and really hold it over his head until he graduates or gets his diploma. Having a tutor is a good idea. I would also ask which teachers can stay after school with-him. Clearly, he can do the work and he has a brain.

    Many hugs.
  10. lostwith3adhdboys

    lostwith3adhdboys New Member

    Thanks for your responses. yes, he has been drug tested and no he does not use. He tried pot and puked his guts out and has not done it since. I have checked his room becaus i am the one that cleans it. His drug of choice is ciggerettes and alcohol on the weekends. He is not on on any stimulants, he refuses any ADHD medications. Yes he drives, but in otder to get to school he MUST drive it is 30 mins away and we can not drive him. Plus taking things away has never worked with the ODD it just makes thing worse. I took the car keys last week and that started the whole mess with calling the police. I am at a complete loss.. i pray this anti depreesant starts working quickly and the side effects stop so we can just get on with it. I am broke, depressed, exhausted now sick with another sinus infection,all because of this one child of mine and i have to keep it together for everybody else when all i want to do is climb under the covers and hide....
  11. buddy

    buddy New Member

    Do you have the books:
    The Explosive Child, by Ross Greene?
    What your explosive child is trying to tell you by Douglas Riley?