florida update

[sooooo tired]

Well as I expected my daughter is already complaining that the girl she is staying with in Florida is not her type, maybe because she doesn't smoke pot and works a full time job!!! and of course there are no jobs she is interested in, because she cant find a job that pays BIG BUCKS and offers her a manager job or something when she practically has no experience in anything! So basically this has been a free vacation for her and she will be home soon and back to her same old routine!! She gets angry at me because when she talks to me I am not overwhelmed with joy and hope that she is finally gonna get her life together! I have tried to be supportive sooo many times!! Its hard to keep it up! When I took my grandson back to his dads yesterday, I asked him for my grandsons clothes so I could wash them, since they have no washer and dryer! So he took me inside and showed me where my daughter keeps all the dirty clothes, out on the sun porch! I am not kidding there were clothes stacked up a foot high from her and her 2 oldest boys and my grandson! Now I am not siding with him because he does have a huge anger issue....but my daughter is a slob!!!! She always has been and when he says she sits on her butt all day and does nothing I do believe him! Now it is up to me to be able to keep my gaurd up when she comes home! because she is going to be twice as bad because she has been in paradise for awhile and she has to come back to reality!!!!! Lord give me strength!!!!!

 

[BusynMember]

in my opinion its best not to engage her. If you feel you MUST listen to her, let her do the talking and if you cant listen to her excuses and misplaced blame, put the phone away from your ear close enough to hear she is talking yet far away enough not to understand the words. Every so often mumble, "I see." "Hmmmm." "Oh my." Do not offer advice or scold her about her messy house. It is her house and although it may alarm you, she has a right to be an uber slob and to do things in ways that make you crazy. In other words....shaddup you fo not need to visit her nor allow her to visit you. It is hardest to detach if they are in the house. And most dangerous.

You wont change her and will only make yourself sick if you continue to over-engage her. There is no point other than to cause predictable drama that changes nothing. You do not need to talk to her each time she calls(or ever...it is your time, so it is your decision) nor do you have to read her texts at all nor do you need to respond to them. I fear that until you detach, you will have no peace. She is not you and you are entitled to a good life surrounded by those who appreciate your kind heart. She never will. The defination of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting things to change.

I hope you can find it in you to detach and find happiness and peace...even accepting that your daughter is who she is. Period. To have any life, contact with her is probably minimized. Hard to imagine, I know, but as long as you stay in her life as often as you do, you will be swept into her borderline world and will have much angst.

Take care.

 

[New Leaf]

Sooootired, as I was reading your post, I was thinking of my two. Drama is such a part of their lives. It seems so for their friends, too. The idea of living a "normal" life, having jobs, paying rent seems to disgust them. They get bored easily and want "excitement" and partying. This leads to a lot of poor decision making and pretty chaotic living.
Stepping way back has helped me. I miss them, but not the stress and turmoil that swirls endlessly around them.
They are like whirling dervishes but I am the one who gets dizzy from it.
I like peace and quiet.
I guess that makes me old and boring. Too, bad.

We are entitled to peace and quiet.

I was thinking of Tornados boyfriend Volcano. His grandparents were the sweetest people. They just came to the great grandkids birthday parties, brought presents, loved on them and went back home.
They were clueless to what was beneath it all.
They didn't want to know details, or be involved with all of the craziness.
There was an amount of respect and care for them, because they were elderly.

That is where I got my cookie baking grandma idea from. I don't want to be rescue grandma. It is too hard. I know I cannot raise my grands, and I cannot have them all living here.
I am not even going to be rescue mom.
My two need to figure their own lives out.
The more I stepped in, the more they resented it, the more they took advantage.
It was crazy.
We are their parents ST, but we are done parenting.
We do not have to know every little detail of their lives.
It is too traumatizing.
We can't change it anyways.

Try to focus on the only person you can change- YOU.
Find something that gives you joy.

(((HUGS)))
leafy

 

[SuperG]

I needed to hear that response Somewhere. Walrus, I can completely relate to your feelings.

 

[Childofmine]

So tired, I'm so sorry you are still having to hear this even when she's in another state!

I agree with SWOT...she is 39 years old. Nothing is going to change unless and until she is sufficiently miserable enough with her life as it stands today ... to be motivated to change herself.

Talking doesn't work. You already know that.

So I would go silent and keep my distance. Take care of YOU.

She needs to feel the full consequences of her decisions. Protecting her, providing a soft place to land, and cleaning up her messes for her...again...as you well know...doesn't create any change in her.

We change when we are completely sick and tired of our current situation. So...the idea is for us to "let them" get completely sick and tired, to the point that they are so miserable and so sick of today that they are motivated to change tomorrow.

Let her go. Release her to the Universe. Focus on YOU. You deserve peace and joy and serenity and contentment. Letting go of the tail of the tornado is the way to get there.

Warm hugs this morning!

 

[AppleCori]

Hi ST,

I'm sorry that your daughter is still doing the same things and yet expecting different results.

Think about this, ST. Maybe it is time to stop being your daughter's emotional 'tamp*n' as we say around my house.

Maybe SHE needs you to stop, so that she can move on. Maybe she needs to not have this any more, so that she can try some other coping skills.

Don't know if it will work, but it isn't accomplishing anything the way things are right now.

Please take care of yourself, first.

Apple

 

[Tanya M]

While you hoped that she might finally get it together, you were realistic in knowing that this would happen.

Now it is up to me to be able to keep my gaurd up when she comes home! because she is going to be twice as bad because she has been in paradise for awhile and she has to come back to reality!

And I have no doubt that you will be able to keep your guard up. She can be as nasty as she wants to be, just let it roll off of you.
If you start feeling "drained" I want you to imagine all of us here, surrounding you. You know like in the old westerns when they would circle the wagons, that's us. Draw on our strength.
Hang in there ST.

 

[sooooo tired]

I have not spoken to my daughter since she has been in florida. According to my other daughter, she is coming back home. This is where I have my problem....I feel guilty for not keeping in touch, but I really don't want to talk to her. But this is what she will do....she will eventually call and try to make me feel guilty because I didn't call her and I must not care about her and she will tell me that she wishes she had a mom that she could talk to!! And she will tell me I can't handle anything, and her friends are way more supportive of her than I am, and its nice that I can not talk to her but I can talk to my other daughter. I just never have any good responses, so I end up feeling defeated and guilty! I want to be a strong person and know exactly what to say to her that will let her know Im not feeding into this drama anymore! But when she calls I get all nervous and upset and usually end up in tears. I need help to change the way I deal with her!! What is funny is she wants to make me feel like a bad mom, yet she has a 12 year old daughter that she never sees, and didn't think twice about leaving her 4 year old behind and going to Florida!! But if I say anything she always has answers, and excuses,or just tells me off!

 

[Albatross]

ST, yikes. To me it sounds like one of those minefield conversations. No matter where you step, there's going to be an explosion. If it were me, I would bank a few pat responses that don't give her anything to argue with, that all basically mean "I'm sorry you feel that way." Her feelings are her feelings, even if they are not justified. If you try to defend yourself or convince her how wrong she is, she will just dig in harder.

 

[BusynMember]

I wouldnt even listen to that. The truth is there isnt a mom on earth who can deal with abuse, lies, watching horrible decisions and being a scapegoat. She is lucky you choose to talk to her at all. She abuses you and if she were mine, I would refuse to listen to any abuse. I'd hang up. I have done that when one of my sons used to get abusive and he learned that to talk to me, he has to be resoectful or the conversation will be over and I won't pick up the phone again for several days. I say,"when we can have a mutually respectful conversation, call. Until thrn, we need to calm down." +click+

Yes, he gets mad, but I won't hear it. Hes a man now and either talks to me like one or finds somebody else to insult. It wont be me. Yes, I do have less trouble interacting with his siblings. Any mother would. They are reasonable and kind and fun to talk to. I dont let him do the sibling comparison thing either. She is manipulating you. She knows full well that her sister is more pleasant. Your problem is you LISTEN to her abuse and believe her silly accusations. Cut her off or you'll spend the rest of your life feeling as is she controls you and crying. You cant change her or what she says, but you have 100 percent of control over how much abuse you will listen to. Your child or not, she abuses you. Would you let anyone else talk to you that way?

You didnt call her BECAUSE of how she treats you. Period. Who would aak for THAT? Too bad if shes angry. She can talk more easily to her friends? If she is mean to them, I doubt it, but if she can...GOOD. She is 40???? Shes a bit old to expect mommy care like she got at age ten. Let her bug her peers. She's too old to expect you to dry her tears and you're to old to handle a tantrum from a middle age woman. in my opinion you should not allow her your precious time to stress you out.

Now you are also a grown women, like your daughter. You can choose to continue to indulge your.daughter's abuse and we cant stop you. But unless YOU show guts and self respect to this daughter, plus set boundaries about her abuse, NOTHING will change. That is a guarantee. For your life to change for the better you need to make serious changes in managing this daughter. If you don't, you will be writing about how she abuses you and makes you feel guilty forever. I know its hard to change. But most of us did. There is no reason to listen to anybody's abuse of you for any length of time.

Her arguments are bsloney to make you feel guilty and as long as she can accomplish her goals, she wont stop. As long as you'll listen, she'll make you cry.

I hope soon you can embrace a you who puts her foot down on listening to abuse...because you are worth it. If you dont, well, abusers abuse. Its what they do.

Many hugs and good vibes. Stand strong. Youre a warrior mom; a soldier. Respect yourself!!!

 

[Tanya M]

Hi ST,

I feel guilty for not keeping in touch, but I really don't want to talk to her

There is nothing for you to feel guilty about. When your daughter talks to you there is always drama and chaos attached. You have tried to help her and she has rejected it. You have offered her sound advice of how to get her life back on track and she has rejected it. There is nothing more you can do for her.
I feel the same way about my son. When all he does is complain and never takes advice of how he can straighten his life out, I don't want to talk to him. This doesn't mean I don't love him just like it doesn't mean you don't love your daughter. How they interpret that is on them, not on us. You, I and many others here have tried over and over again to help our adult children because we love them but at some point we have to recognize that "helping" isn't helping.
I like the quote by Albert Einstein, "Insanity: Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result"
This is the cycle we can get stuck in with our adult children. We hope they will change and they hope we will solve all their problems. We come to understand we can't change them so WE have to change. This is where you are ST, you know you have to change.

But this is what she will do....she will eventually call and try to make me feel guilty because I didn't call her and I must not care about her and she will tell me that she wishes she had a mom that she could talk to!! And she will tell me I can't handle anything, and her friends are way more supportive of her than I am, and its nice that I can not talk to her but I can talk to my other daughter.

Our d_c's can be so good at drawing us into a circular verbal assault. They can start with the complaining then when we don't "fix" things for them, they turn on us and start blaming us.
My suggestion is this, keep your responses short. As you have said, you know what she will say but this is where YOU can change the dynamics. Let her rant and when there is a pause and she is waiting for your response, you can say something like "I'm sorry you feel that way, I hope things work out for you. I've gotta go, I love you, goodbye"
The biggest thing is to not defend yourself, your love for her, or your actions with your other daughter. You have demonstrated your love over and over again, you do not have to defend it. If you try and defend yourself you will only get drawn back into the circular verbal assault.

The KISS method: Keep It Short / Simple

You can do this ST.

 

[Tiredof33]

They use our love against us and try to make us feel guilt so we will give in to their requests.

The best thing I ever did for my self and my son is learn to detach. It's painful in the beginning, but you deserve a life too.

My son actually went no contact with me, threatening suicide, I called the police and they did check on him and he told them he was not suicidal. The emotional blackmail of not supporting his lifestyle of drugs, alcohol, unemployment was ruining my health.

Whatever guilt we feel from their childhood (I had a lot!) learn to deal with it, it happened and you can not change that. Our children are adults or we would not be posting on this forum.

I can say, I received so much criticism from friends and family for abandoning my son. So, I stopped discussing him, his sister and my hubby are the only ones that understand.

My life is so much better, my health is better, the pain of detachment from the lies, drama, stealing from me, drug and alcohol use, fights with girlfriend where she would call me then he would call me, was so worth it.

I know my son was living in the woods with not in a penny in his pockets fighting alcohol withdrawal. And there was absolutely nothing I could do. Worry is not the answer!

Hugs and blessings!

 

[TheWalrus]

Your daughter sounds exactly like mine. I have not spoken to my daughter since her arrest and, like you, I don't want to. When I do, she will do the same - I didn't call HER, I didn't support HER, I haven't been a good mom to HER.

I've learned this is emotional blackmail and a way for her to avoid taking responsibility for her choices and consequences. She doesn't want to hear what I would have to say about whatever her latest drama is, so she doesn't call (because she doesn't REALLY want to hear from me) while acting offended because I don't call her. Works out really well for her, actually.

At one time, I was like you and would tear myself up, because I immediately threw myself into guilt mode: I should call her, but I don't want to call her, and if I don't call her she will feel neglected, but if I do it will turn ugly, so what do I do? Then I would feel so guilty because what kind of mother doesn't want to speak to her child?

She is an adult. She left. She came back. If she wants to speak to you, she knows how to get in touch with you. The responsibility doesn't fall on you to reach out to her. Anymore than it falls on me to reach out to mine.

 

[BusynMember]

Walrus, you have come so far. Bet your life is better now.

 

[TheWalrus]

It has been a long, tough rode, but yes, my life is so much better. The weight I was carrying with all those negative emotions, on top of feeling like it was my fault so "if only I would do this _____, I could fix her," was exhausting. I can't fix her. I know that now. And that was the most freeing thing I have ever felt was to let go of that responsibility, which was never mine in the first place.

 

[JMom]

You deserve to be loved and at peace. I know you love her, I can feel the hurt in your post. I know you want the best for her and your grands.

You will be doing her a disservice to help. You will not be there forever and she will need coping skills and survival skills when you're gone from this earthy world. Better foe her to figure it out before she's left without you.

Remove the safety net. Trust my experience, sometimes it gets a lot worse without us in the beginning but it's rewarding to watch them grow, mature and figure things out on their own. Her good friends will cut her off as well when they get tired of the abuse that will shift to them.

Take care of you. Take a bubble bath, read a book, take a walk, watch birds, plant flowers, a garden, go swimming. ...anything that YOU enjoy. Your health and well being is something YOU can control. I learned how to sew. Made baby blankets for coworkers. They're not perfect, but it gave me peace and I had the joy of giving.

My son became homeless when I quit engaging but he's figured it out on his own and is more grateful now. Lots of apologies came my way after 3 months of living on the streets. He's figuring it out. At least I know if I die, he can survive and he knows if I die it wasn't because he made me suffer so much. Hang in there!
♡Jmom

 

[sooooo tired]

She has not contacted me since she returned....I worry about her and start to call but then I freeze and think do I really want to know what is going on, do I really want to hear all the drama or better yet the guilt she may throw my way! My life is peaceful when she is not in contact with me...Then my head goes to my grandson! I want to see him I Love him so much, and I know he misses me! I know I am his only stability and he feels safe with me! But I hate to have to call her in order to pick him up! I wish I had a stronger personality!!! I just hate all the drama!! Thank you for your input!!