Foiled Romantic Getaway-vent

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by hearts and roses, Mar 20, 2008.

  1. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    So Witz, I thought of you a lot last night after H and I had an argument about whether I said Sat-Wed or Sun-Tues...and he backed out of our little getaway. Let me explain. :D

    I have to go to FL for work on 4/1-4/2, so I called H on his cell at work and suggested we go a few days early and make it a little romantic getaway for us. I said, "We could go on Sat and I only have to work on Tues, so we'd have almost 4 days to play." He said, "Yeah, okay book it. Maybe we could fly into Orlando and see my parents." I said we couldn't really do that because it's too expensive to fly in one place and fly out another (my FL office is in Tampa), but I did suggest that maybe we could meet them halfway and spend a day with them and have an early dinner instead. He said okay. I was ecstatic! I have our travel agent at work figure out the flights, the hotel, the rental car, etc. I knew we could use H's travel rewards on his Amex card for the hotel and the cost would be half.

    After work, I rush home, I'm getting dinner ready, and H comes into the kitchen I instantly know that something is wrong with him, he's clearly annoyed about something. So, later after coloring eggs with monkeyboy and difficult child, I asked H if he wanted to go on line and see how his points would work with the hotel. He stares at me for almost an entire minute and then turns away back to the tv (he's lying on the couch). I said, "Hello? The points for the hotel? Do you want me to check that out?" Again, he turns to me, stares for about 30 seconds and then says, "Sure go ahead", in the tone of a nearly dead person. *My H is definitely depressed and could use a getaway like a jailed man could use a file, okay? So, I'm thinking in my head "Whew - just in the nick of time, we need to get this man into some sunny weather!":redface:

    I figure out that in using his reward points, the hotel will cost a total of $225 for 3 nights, plus the cost of his flight so his cost will be less than $500 for 5 days in FL, great right? I told H and he freakin blew up on me, yelling that I said Sun-Tues (I wouldn't have said that because A) we agreed on Sat and B) I had to be in my office on the Tues, so he knew it was until Wed). I argued with him for about a minute and then when he screamed, "THIS ALWAYS HAPPENS. YOU SAY ONE THING AND THEN IT ENDS UP COSTING ME $1000!!! WHO'S GOING TO TAKE CARE OF difficult child?!?! WE CAN'T LEAVE HER HOME ALONE FOR 5 WHOLE DAYS!!!" :sad-very:Well, I would have lost it then, but instead I turned to him very calmly and said, "You know what, H? I'm going to cancel this trip and I will just go down on my business and we'll do something another time." But he wanted to fight, so I let him argue with himself - justifying his reasons for not going. difficult child can't take care of herself for 5 days at 18 and half?? Even if she does get into trouble, it's her problem, not ours. I could even have my nephew stay at the house to make sure it doesn't burn to the ground - my nephew would be THRILLED to do that for us, seriously. I turned back to the computer and cancelled everything on line and went to my room to read. When he came in later he tried to fluff the blankets like he was trying to be fun, because it's difficult for him to rest if he knows everything is not okay. I ignored him and went to sleep after difficult child came home.

    I was so furious for so many reasons. One, it would have been nice for us to get away by ourselves, he needs a shot in the arm and to get away from work, we never do anything to nurture our marriage and I can see certain behaviors in him that make me worry he will fall off the wagon or worse, exacerbated by his current depression. I thought it would be a nice thing. And it would've been affordable. It's not like we're pisspot poor or can't swing even $1000, but it only would have been about $650 out of pocket. I don't understand him. He's stuck and he thrives on being a martyr and I'm tired of it. At our ages and with our grown daughter's we should be able to live a little and I am ready. I don't want to melt into my couch now at the age of 45 and do nothing until we die. But that's what he seems to want to do. He behaves as if his best years are behind him and now he's just an old dog that he needs to survive until he one day drops dead. That's not MY plan and I refuse to cave to it.:surprise:

    This morning he was able to come back into the bedroom while I was getting ready because I stupidly forgot to lock the door and he tried to be cute:laugh: and ask me stupid question that I couldn't give a rat's @$$ about, but I deflected him. You see, H can't have a good day if he doesn't trick himself into thinking that I am not mad at him anymore. Well, I didn't really care about that this morning. I was worried that we were going to incur cancellations fees and I was nervous that I wouldn't be able to cancel the flight for a refund and would have to take a voucher (thus paying for his ticket even though he cancelled), which would have been in his name and he'd never use it because he just wants to melt into our couch and die.:sheepish:

    I am leaving for PA tomorrow morning at 7AM for the weekend by myself with my mom and sisters and I can't freakin wait to be away from home. Away from H and visit my mom and stay at a hotel and just be away from it all.:whiteflag:

    I called our agent this morning and since she hadn't confirmed the trip, I was able to cancel and make the changes without incurring any fees. Thank God. I'd have made H pay anyway. So, instead I'm going for the one night by myself for work only. Poop. I'm sorry this is so long but I had to get it all out. :faint:
  2. gcvmom

    gcvmom Here we go again!

    Wow, he IS depressed. It's great that's he's been sober a year, but how has he addressed the issues that led him to that in the first place?

    I can SO relate to the fight-picking and the martydom and the reactivity. My husband to a "T" -- but much better since he's started medications for various things.

    Hope you enjoy your weekend with your mom and sisters -- go get a massage or some other well-deserved pampering! Maybe husband will have an epiphany while you're gone and seek therapy with pharmeceutical support!
  3. Star*

    Star* call 911


    THIS is what I live with and I could not for all my words described it MORE PERFECTLY than you just did. It was like you rooted around in MY head and came up with my absolute picturesque story. -Alone but not single. In love but with Mr. I Don'tfeelgood.

    Melt into the couch and wait to die like an old dog.

    I guess when you talk to people here every day it's really like you being to know them and what makes them happy and what they need and what would hurt and it was as if I was sitting somewhere having coffee with you and felt the same thing you did.

    I am so sorry you have to do things alone so much. I know the feeling. Hoping the get away with your "girl side" does you much good.

    Hugs Star
  4. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    gvc, He grew up in an alcoholic family - I mean real raging alcoholics and so from the early years it was learned behaviors, but in recent years his alcoholism is an unhealthy way of dealing with his stress and boredom and frustrations. It's been a battle for a few years and back in Dec '06 things came to a head and difficult child was involved indirectly, I tossed him out of the house for a few days and when he returned he promised not to drink anymore and seek counseling. Well, he had a drug/alcohol counselor who was good, but he felt he didn't 'click' with the man and said he'd find some one else. He never did, so in answer to your question about how he's dealing with those emotions that led to his alcoholism...he's not. Unfortunately, my H is VERY strongly against medications and it's in large part because every other commercial is another drug being pushed. I swear, if they didn't have all those stupid commercials, I think more people who actually needed the medications would seek them out. But now he's afraid to put them in his body, thinks depression is BS and that working and exercise can cure it. Seriously. He thinks his vitamins and laborous work will save him. Thanks for sharing.

    Thanks Star. I'm just exhausted by the whole thing. I really feel that I am coming to a crossroads with H. I do not want to spend the rest of my life doing nothing. I've worked so freakin hard to provide a home and family for my dds and now that I'm almost free, I want to live the life I've been waiting to live. I thought H was right there with me, but he's not. And although his problem is likely chemical, if he won't seek help for it, am I supposed to just sit idly by and live my life alone but stuck? It's too much.
  5. Star*

    Star* call 911


    I hear ya girlfriend. Hey - I haven't seen that you had thought about coming or getting in on the girls reunion from the board - maybe you should consider it? Give you something fun to look forward to.

    I have immersed myself in other things since DF is disabled and unable or unwilling to participate in activities with me. In part I think some of my being overweight is due to him not being able to get /go/do. It's like we got fat together because we had health issues and I'm not one to get sick - I have enough problems with "things". I know you do too.

    So just know today - somewhere there is a person sitting in her office in SC thinking of you - and even a little bit jealous that you get to go have a weekend with your family -

  6. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat


    I know that there is nothing you can do about this, but H needs to get himself into AA.

    He is dry. Not sober.

    He's an alcoholic, just without the booze.
  7. Tiapet

    Tiapet Old Hand

    BBK kind of said what I was going to say ( as our Beloved Pico once told me about my ex one time long ago in a long phone conversation). Your H is a dry drunk (that was her term for the behaviors). It's not fun. {hugs} Do what you can for you when you can and try not to let him get to you (as you did try to do).
  8. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    I know BBK - coming from a long line of alcoholics myself I am aware of the lingo and the state of things with H and his so called sobriety. I know its just a matter of time. He's gone without alcohol for over a year before and then he talked himself into thinking that a glass of red wine was more important for his heart health than the danger of his alcoholism. Thanks for your note.

    I feel so stupid to have married another person with addictions. In every other way he's a good man, has been a good father to my girls. I know that easy child would be devastated if we broke up, not that I'm ready to jump ship yet.

    Star, I think I have it in me to live my life, whether H travels with me or not. He's lost in his own little world right now and as BBK said, he really should be treating his alcoholism. I can't stop living because he chooses not to and I can't force him to do what I think is right for him (or us). He needs to make the choice on his own. Of course, it will be difficult to listen to him try and guilt me every time I choose to get out there and live with or without him, Know what I mean?? I already make plans to meet a friend out for dinner occasionally or for coffee in the mornings and I drive up to see easy child at her school and I go to the salon to have my nails done, etc., on the weekends to get out. But I do think it's time to kick it up a notch. I've been kind of doing little things for myself while still also trying to keep things balanced at home. Last Summer I went up to Maine with a girlfriend to visit another girlfriend and we had so much fun. I also go down to WV to visit my oldest sister and spend time with her on the river on a cabin. H chooses not to join me, so I go anyway. It's just that this was different. It was spontaneous and supposed to be fun and I was so excited that he agreed and then WHAM! He changed his mind. I don't know how I'm going to get through this evening - we have to go pick up the new mattress set I bought for easy child's old room. I suppose I will just have to.

    Thanks for the support ladies.
  9. janebrain

    janebrain New Member

    Hi Jo,
    I know you cancelled the trip but I was hoping you were going to tell him "fine, I'll just go on my own then if you don't want to come. You can stay home and take care of difficult child while I go relax and have fun." I'm glad to hear you do fun things on your own and with friends, that is so important. So sorry he wrecked your plans.
  10. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    Oh Jane! I was so tempted! I was even going to take difficult child instead, but then I thought about it - all the expenses would then be incurred by me alone and since I have tentative plans for a trip to Difficult Child mid-April and then again another trip this summer to DE, I thought I'd rather just go for the business trip and have more spending money for those other trips.

    It's okay the way it is - I'm sure he will feel like a real heel at some point. I'm in no rush.
  11. WhymeMom?

    WhymeMom? No real answers to life..

    Sorry the trip didn't work out......can't really add to the good advice you have already received. He was obviously looking to sabotage the trip.....does he not like to visit your family? Better luck with another trip when he might be more receptive.....
  12. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    I am sorry. It sounds like things are really hard.


  13. janebrain

    janebrain New Member

    Oh Good, Jo--I am glad you have trips planned for the spring and summer. You have my permission to spend as much as you want....